Is there a polite way to tell someone they need a makeover

Bianca

There are lovely woman I know be it acquaintance or family member (husband's side) that I just wish I could take them shopping, redo their closets and give them a makeover. They are beautiful women and various stages of life. Is there a delicate way to broach the subject with them. I feel like there appearance is weighing them down. Am I opening a can of worms that ought to be left alone??? I don't want to insult anyone.

13 years ago

General

32 replies

Latest reply was from Stagiaire Fash

Kristine

Veteran

You could find a reason to go shopping together, then encourage them in a fun way to try on things. That's what a friend did for me and it ultimately did lead to a change. Or tell them you're in training to be a stylist and ask if you can practice on them. But I definitely don't think there's a way to tell them they need a makeover without causing offense, especially if they're not close friends.

13 years ago

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Ooooooh I must admit I'm sitting here and I do feel a tad concerned as I thought about your post and possible implications of your post.

Firstly, I have to say that I *totally* understand where you are coming from! I have some family members and friends who seem incredibly similar to the women described in your extended family (are you sure we aren't related?!).

For me personally however, I decided to let it go and just let them be. If they are happy the way they are - who am I to tell them otherwise? I recognise that even if it is not how I would present myself to the world, they have chosen to and that is their right.

The biggest reason is that I feel for my family, there is no way I could raise this as an issue without it hurting feelings or causing offence. And that is even with my best intentions in the world. It could backfire even worse if it was done now, at Christmas, when emotions tend to run high. Maybe your family is more direct though?

However, if you felt strongly enough about this as an issue, I do think there are possibly some ways that you could provide assistance.

IF, for instance, you were out shopping with XYZ, you could probably do the whole "Oh look over there at that - it would really suit you. Come on let's go look!" line. If they have a beautiful face and hiding behind their hair, you could possibly say in a gentle, playful way (only IF you have a great relationship with them) "X, you have such a beautiful face, if I was you I'd be showing it off! Why do you hide behind all that hair?" That is probably the extent of what I'd do.

Best of luck and Merry Christmas!

13 years ago

elpgal

Veteran

I am not sure what the best way to start such a conversation would be. Perhaps you could indirectly broach the subject by gushing about YLF and how you have learned style tips that you never knew before. Or you could suggest items that you think will suit them and talk about those. Or maybe start with a compliment and see where the conversation goes. So much depends upon your conversational style and relationship with them.

13 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

Oh man! I just had this conversation with a friend about another friend of ours. She is beautiful and has a great figure, but her clothes are so outdated. I know lots of women here who really just don't care about their clothes, and when that is the case, I don't see any point in making a big deal out of it. But this particular friend puts time, money and effort in to her wardrobe.

We decided that next time she asks me to shop with her, I will just urge her to try on some jeans from this decade or a different cut of top. I think she would be really hurt if I came right out and said something direct. If she is happy with who she is, then so am I. But if she asks for advice, I will be stepping up!

13 years ago

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

No, there really isn't a polite way to tell someone they need a makeover.
You could invite them shopping with you and make some suggestions to see if they are open to trying new things. Really though, that is one of those things better left unsaid. If they wanted your opinion they would ask for it.

13 years ago

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Giving them a book about makeovers is NOT a good idea - LOL! A really good friend of mine told me that they wanted a makeover, so I got them a makeover book for their birthday and they were SUPER insulted that I didn't like their style.

I usually talk about how making a few changes in my closet made myself feel really good, and see if they chime in. If they don't, I let them be

13 years ago

LeahJanes

Active Member

Some people aren't interested in fashion. Just like I couldn't care less about sports or cars.

If they feel like they need to change and they express that need to you, by all means - offer to help. But if they honestly don't care all that much about style then that's their prerogative.

13 years ago

MsMary

Veteran

Let's try a thought experiment: Think of an area of your life that isn't a high priority for you, but is definitely of keen interest to some other people. Maybe it's finances/investing, or home decorating, or nutrition, or travel, or religion, or square dancing.

Now imagine that a well-meaning in-law corners you at Christmas and says something like "Bianca, you are such a lovely woman but you would be so much lovelier if you had proper nutrition. I really wish you would let me teach you about carbs and protein and food combining and so on. It's really fun and interesting and would do you a world of good! I just feel like your poor eating habits are weighing you down!"

I think it's unlikely you would be receptive to something like that, and I think it's unlikely your in-laws would be receptive to a fashion intervention. I think some things are just none of our business.

13 years ago

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

No, there really isn't a polite way of telling someone they need a makeover.

13 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

I like some of elpgal's suggestions.

I say that if they compliment you, it is an opening for something. You could talk about the piece and then encourage them to try something. I think that it would be appropriate if someone compliments you, for you to say that you are really happy with the piece and then ask what their favorite "piece" from their wardrobe. If they say they have nothing or very little, what a wonderful opening to talk about how life is too short not to surround yourself with beautifuI, useful and loved things. I think suggesting a total makeover can be insulting and overwhelming. Start small.

Good Luck !

13 years ago

Maya

Veteran

This is like asking if there is a polite way to bring up someone's BO and offering them a stick of deodorant as a gift. I can't speak for anyone else, but I couldn't do it.

13 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

Maya, that is a great point. Sometimes though people are really feeling a bit lost and just don't know how to bring it up - but I believe that one needs to follow their lead, not our own desire for them.

A few years ago, a wonderful friend of mine bought a really funky jacket. She was anything but funky, think female Tim Gunn. I was shocked and so were the other two women we were with at the time. She then said that she had been really unhappy for sometime with how she looked. I couldn't believe it since we NEVER talked about clothes or style. But it is a very tricky and slippery slope, especially with in-laws.

13 years ago

Bianca

Veteran

What you have all been saying, is how I have been feeling....hence the reason I have never brought it up. I would never, ever bring any of this up over the holidays or ever for that matter. I just wondered if you guys were ever in this predicament. I would never judge anyone for their appearance and like you stated, they may have other interests fashion not being part of them. You all confirmed what I have thought, and I will reserve bringing it up. They are lovely women and I value our friendship too much.

13 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I am on Team Leave it alone. Glad you chose that Team too, Bianca

13 years ago

Mammylizard

Member

I say live and let live. Personally, if I had someone tell me I need a makeover...wouldn't be my friend for long. Whatever happened to not judging others? Everyone has opinions. I think opinions should be kept to ones self unless solicited.

2 years ago

Mammylizard

Member

Here is a very good article I read and I agree. I would like to share it for purposes of those who think it is OK to tell others they need a makeover...

I don’t need a makeover (and neither do you ) OCTOBER 29, 2012 TOPH BEIFONG ATHLETIC, ATHLETIC GIRL, BEAUTY, CLOTHES, CONFIDENCE, FASHION, FASHION SENSE, HAIR, HAPPY, I DON'T NEED A MAKEOVER, I LOVE BEING A TOMBOY, I'M BEAUTIFUL, MAKEOVER, MAKEUP, STOP TELLING ME I NEED A MAKEOVER, STYLE, TOMBOY, TOMBOYS 2 COMMENTS

Picture, if you will, a confident, happy, athletic young girl. One of her friends says she needs a makeover. The others girls nearby start to chatter about what they would do to fix her hair, face and clothing. Picture this confident, happy, athletic girl, listening to all the little ways her friends find her inadequate, not feminine enough, and generally lacking. Watch while she tightens her ponytail and brushes her hair out of her face self-consciously. Suddenly, playing football with the boys every morning before class is embarrassing. Winning arm wrestling contests is no longer allowed to be a source of pride. Watch her face fall while her friends tell her with great enthusiasm that her priorities are all wrong, that her appearance is a problem, that her favorite activities are something “tomboys” do (read: not ok). Her best friend looks her up and down, and says, “Yeah, we could do a lot for your makeover.”

I struggled to find a group of friends who did not do this to me on a more or less annual basis. I’m 28 now, and I’ve finally built good friendships with people who know me well enough to see that I have my own fashion sense, my own concept of beauty, and my own set of standards for what I find admirable and feminine. I thought I was past all that childish B.S. Silly me.

One of my coworkers made an off-handed comment today: “I should give you a make-over.” It took all my strength not to throw my purse at her fat face.

First: What the "BLEEP" goes through people’s heads just before they say “You need a makeover”? Do they really think their opinion about someone else’s appearance would override that person’s own opinion?
Second: What do they think people’s reactions will be? “Thank GOD you brought it up. I’ve been sitting in my cubicle for years just WAITING for someone to FIX me!”

When I told her that was insulting, she said, “No it’s not,” because she would know, being the recipient of the comment OH WAIT, NO, that was me. I asked her what was wrong with what I was wearing, to which she (naturally) replied, “Nothing,” and then, “it’s just to enhance yourself.” What does that even mean? Why do I need enhancing? What the hell was she talking about?

2 years ago

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Mammylizard, if I understand correctly, the story about the tomboy is from elsewhere and the one about the co-worker is an experience you just had. I am sorry that happened to you. It’s awful. In this thread, I see several people explaining how inappropriate it is to for other people to make assumptions like that. I agree. However much of little attention you want to pay to getting dressed, I hope you wear things that let you focus on what’s important to you and enjoy your life.

2 years ago

lyn67

Veteran

Hah, a 10 yrs old thread!:-)

2 years ago

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Lyn67, yes, an old thread resurrected by someone who apparently needs support now. This isn’t a unique, 1-time only issue; people making decisions about how others (should) look is unfortunately as old as the idea of fashion itself.

2 years ago

Synne

Veteran

These old threads are always ressurected by brand new members, often with links in tow. What's up fellow new fabber?

2 years ago

Anonymous

I can imagine how hurtful was and how the implications are even deeper than the unrequested makeover, especially because it wasn't asked for.

Mammylizard, this is a "keep it with them" situation for sure, your coworker might have been motivated by the desire to experience a feeling of superiority, etc.

I've only seen gentle support for fashion choices here and opinions almost entirely limited to specific items unless the poster asks for general feedback.

2 years ago

Anonymous

Synne - lol. Exactly.

2 years ago

Anonymous

It doesn't bother me when people choose old links as an intro, especially since it's not unusual but I feel like there's a shaded significance to it recognized by some if not myself. Could someone please elaborate on this? Why the resistance?

2 years ago

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Phoebe, I think it’s just the general resistence on the site to background/history, same as the desire to have people post multiple threads when something takes several turns, instead of keeping it all in one place so people coming into the conversation can trace what’s coming from where. I liken it to not wanting to know the history of a fashion piece, like how Bobbie socks have a rebellious root.

When someone enters the forum like this, I think it’s the best way. We immediately know something about them and what they want to talk about. It’s far more informative and interesting than knowing they live in Tacoma and like paisley, Ralph Lauren, and Zendeya, but can’t stand itchy seams. In this case, she’s made it clear that she’s upset about something.

2 years ago

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

The skepticism is because it’s a common SEO tactic to find posts on various forums that are tangentially related to something you’re promoting and respond with a link. The search engine algorithms see that as social proof of your content and increase your visibility.

That doesn’t mean mammylizard (hi there!) isn’t a perfectly nice person trying her best to grow a blog or business, but long experience says there’s reason to be cynical.

ETA: Another tipoff is that it's not just a single link to a blog post, it's a list of about twenty links to the post, each using slightly different keyword tags and search parameters. That's an SEO tactic not really used in natural language.

2 years ago

Echo

Veteran

Agreed. It is extraordinarily rare for someone to dig up a decade old thread and actually need help with anything. They're phishing.

2 years ago

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Jenn, when I see those, I flag them as spam. But what do you think MLiz is trying to sell with a 9 year old blog post?
The original post from a decade ago feels much more fake to me than this recent comment on it. Besides, when I started here I dug through the archive & tried to start a couple conversations about various things myself.

2 years ago

Sloper

Veteran

I think that, many times, the person was googling around with just this same question, and up popped YLF. As a matter of fact, that's how I found YLF.

Sometimes of course, it does look like they are looking for clicks, i.e. when they include a link to a manufacturer or their own blog, etc.

2 years ago

Anonymous

Fashintern it seems like a natural venue to me too.

Even after reading Jenn's response I'm thinking that the older post could be one of the results from a search on a topic and the searcher didn't check the date.

Thank you all for answering and a quick search of the term SEO was pretty enlightening!

2 years ago

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