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Introspection

Deborah

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HI Ladies,

Some things recently have got me doing a little bit of self reflection:)

I am not really sure how to explain this but I used to be very outgoing, keen to be part of everything, chatty and enjoy being with people. In the past couple of years (perhaps since we relocated), I seem to have become much more introverted. Keen to become a part of where we live now, I have been serving on a number of committees in order to get to know people, and input into our new community. There are also some other avenues where I have become involved too. But these are kind of driving me crazy. Perhaps I haven't chosen the right things to commit to. Game playing, people pushing their own agendas and small mindedness are things I just dont have much tolerance for these days.

Socially, I am finding I have lost the art of small talk and I find myself not wanting to go to some of the social events we 'have to' attend. I had a very busy week last week with an event I was managing taking place on Friday night, so I was able to use being tired as an excuse, and sent DH off to a party (not friends, more acquaintences) on his own Saturday night (he didn't really want to go either but did for a short while).

My realisation is that I have become more introverted, enjoy my own company, find that some of the friendships here on YLF actually run deeper than some real life connections, and that I really prefer to work on projects on my own!

I have my sister and a few very close girlfriends that I speak to every few days, and I love hanging with DH and DS.. these relationships are immensely fulfilling.

I really hope I am not sounding like a grumpy old cow, but I really needed to try and put what I was feeling and thinking into words. It's almost like I am having a slight shift in my personality??

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Do we change as we age? Have I just become too complacent with my life? Is it my hormones? I can't be far from the "M" word lol

I know I have mentioned it before, but I am still processing what I think I want to focus on career wise. The change in my work life since our move has been quite major and I do recognise that I can be a little up and down about that.

Thoughts, any wisdom you can share? And if I sound a little confused, I probably am:)

xxx Deborah

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36 replies

Latest reply was from Vicki

Krista

Veteran

It sounds like you are taking great pleasure out of the small things in life and really valuing what they bring to you. It also sounds like you are more settled in your new area and the friendships/connections you were looking to create have been made and now you can "step back" from that. The only thing I would say is that if your "introversion" becomes "isolation" then you may have to look a little deeper and explore that idea. But I can relate - I used to be so busy running from this to that to this and over time, I just got tired of it and scaled back. I much prefer my time with my dog and my husband, visiting my parents and connecting with good friends in a small setting once in a while. This fulfills me - its a quieter life, but I am good with it.

Also, if you are still in the process of figuring out your career, you may be simplifying your life so that you can focus on that instead. It's the whole idea of "getting quiet" so you can figure out where to go; if you are too busy doing everything else, you would never figure it out. Do you know what I mean?

Nebraskim

Veteran

This totally describes how I feel right now. I used to be very extroverted and outgoing and was involved in lots of activities. Now, I am very choosy about what I commit to, and am shedding obligations like crazy -- I try to dump two for each one I accept. I'm 58 and while I don't think I'm burned out, I think I need bigger doses of recharge time. I was forced into a career change last year when I was Reduction-in-forced from a job I'd held, and loved, for 23.5 years. My new job, in my same field but for a different organization is good, but not the same, obviously. Perhaps I am still grieving that loss. I think we are at the stage where we are distilling our lives down to the very essence, and we will emerge like a concentrated powerhouse. Thanks for sharing your introspections.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I wonder if this feeling is just part of getting older because I feel it too. Part of it here is that we are actually somewhat isolated. I mean we have neighbors but not anything like the big city. Most of our friends are quite a bit older than us since it is such a retirement community. People our own age seem to be still pretty busy with kids and not really interested in a friendship outside of that circle. I used to have no problem throwing a party, getting people together for a spur of the moment happy hour or dinner, etc. Maybe when we reach a certain age we start looking ahead to our older age and try to assess what we want our lives to "say"? That might make it harder to accept some people's opinions, motivations, etc. I know I stopped attending the monthly community meeting here because it was overly political feeling and made me feel stressed, instead of happy. It seemed everyone had their own agenda and it didn't feel right as I like to focus on true priorities, not personal agendas. Maybe I'm too serious these days.

I feel a little dependent on YLF for "fun" and I wonder if that's healthy sometimes - but right now I don't feel like giving it up.

I know this doesn't really help other than to say I think I know at least somewhat how you feel and it is nice to "talk" about it.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I think this is probably a very natural process, Debs, but if you have worries that you are becoming too isolated, then perhaps you might want to consider a change. Otherwise, if it is working for you --- go with it!

I do think as we get older our priorities shift and we narrow our focus at times. That can be good or bad, depending, but it sounds to me as if you have a good balance. I do think we winnow the chaff from our lives as we age and tolerate less of what we consider "time wasting."

Example. My husband and I used to enjoy watching a lot of movies together. But I am now a very picky movie watcher and cannot stand to watch something that bores me. So, much as I regret not spending the time with him, I will just excuse myself from the movie. He understands. I would rather spend time on YLF than a movie that I am not enjoying!

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Suz - that is so true of me with movies these days too. If it's not really catching my attention, I'm off to do something else. I did watch a rather strange but enjoyable (to me) movie the other day. It was called "Greenberg" and Ben Stiller was the main character.

Liz A.

Veteran

It is completely possible to switch from extrovert to introvert, especially if you were only slightly extroverted to begin with. And you may even switch back eventually, but don't feel that it's not ok either way. Introverts get such a bad rap nowadays!

However, if you feel that you may be a little depressed, why not talk with a counselor? Even a close friend may be able to help assess your situation.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Major life changes can throw you for a reset. I think it's normal. It's OK to go with how you feel right now. If it helps, I'm having a total mid life crisis and am whining all over my friends, so at least you're not doing *that*!

rachylou

Veteran

My family is sort of *known* for being... withdrawn... and yet we are party people... but anyways take this with a grain of salt: In my family we say that "adults do not have friends."

It sort of reflects a belief/feeling that friends are for teenagers, young people, when they are supposed to go out and find their true loves and vocations and so forth. But when you're an adult, you have a life then - your home is your life, etc. etc. - and a certain natural withdrawal occurs. You don't socialise all the time with "outsiders" in the way that you're used to. Maybe not even on a weekly basis...

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think society places a lot of social stress on us to have plenty of friends. You know, how in those "studies" where they say having friends is one of the best things for your health, etc.? But to have friends that aren't really sharing your beliefs, goals, morals, etc., can be a challenge. At least to me it can. Not that everyone has to be like me to be my friend, but there has to be some common ground. And maybe as we age the common ground is more important (and more elusive) because we've already had those internal debates with ourselves to set a certain path in life.

Carla

Veteran

Amen, sister!

Make a list of 10 or so things you REALLY LIKE to do. Are they social or solitary. If you feel energized after highly social activities, then you are an E. If a solitary walk, or time in a garden is rejuvenating then you are an I.

Nothing wrong with being an I...just a temperament.

I work in a social setting. At the end of the day I'm exhausted. The last thing I want to do is socialize. Sometimes, even going to the mall is too much!

Carla

Veteran

*sorry, duplicat*

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I think for a lot of women getting older produces introspection like it produces wrinkles I think this is a really great thing (not the wrinkles) but confusing at the time.

Imo if we have been focused on giving to others, the change in our hormones at peri-menopause seems to alter this balance & we become more self focused.

In my case it manifested in different ways but the lack of tolerance for a lot of so called normal social behaviour (i.e. all the games) became VERY low.

I would also question the accepted wisdom that lots of friends = a great life. 3 or 4 friendships are as much as I can handle, these are deep long-lasting friendships though. Any more than that & the friendship isn't nurtured because I don't have the time to do so

Adding relocation to the above really compounded things for me too.

No real advice but as with style/fashion so with life, you are not alone; enjoy & learn from the process. xxooxx

MNsara

Veteran

I really think this is a very normal, yet profound, change for lots of women in this mid-life time. (I happen to think some hormone changes are a factor here, but even if they're not, the internal psychological/emotional shift is very real. . .)

I think I started noticing these changes in myself in my late 40s: I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin, more sure of myself, less willing to put up with various 'crap' in life - even behavior in my own family (dh and kids), and I started to speak up about it. I actually feel (a bit) sorry for my husband that I was no longer operating by the same 'rules' that I had for the previous 25+ years!!

It was like I was finally coming into myself, or something. I also saw how those outspoken, assertive, slightly in-your-face middle aged women come about (or I am the only one who sees them as a phenomenon?)

I also agree with nebraskim about needing more recharge time! I'm much less eager to commit to the former constant assortment of activities, commitments, and entertaining.

So, put the lack of desire to DO everything I used to do, together with my newfound lack of putting up with the things that no longer seem fulfilling or worthwhile, and it sounds a lot like what you're experiencing

I'm interested in this discussion - this sort of change does make you wonder which is the 'real' you?!

deb

Veteran

I think that introspection comes with wisdom and visa versa. Although, not for everyone. A move can be one of the most stressful time in one's life. Are you unhappy with your current feelings? If not, then I say just roll with them for a while and see what coms of it. I am very selective with my friends and will not feel obligated to go somewhere. It just builds resentment in me. It took a long time but I finally learned to say no to commitments that are not important to me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Also, as we've said a number of times, it's really no mystery why so many of us here on YLF are introverts! It's not at all the the stereotyped "nerdy computer a-social" thing. On the contrary.

We like this site because here we develop deeper connections than we are able to in the small talk of daily life or the ceaseless shallow newsreel of regular social media!

Or at least that's how I feel. I know these relationships in no way compare to or replace real-life friendships. But for me, they are better than almost all real-life acquaintanceships. Because they are created around a genuine shared interest, and nurtured with compassion, on our own time, they're more meaningful.

There. Spoken like a true introvert.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I have talked about this with a friend recently and we both felt that we no longer felt the need to have a lot of friends but were content with a few. We all go through phases (it isn't just kids) and sometimes a change in circumstances like a move enforces a change that makes us realize that it is welcome even though it wasn't sought.

Deborah, thank you for posting this. It is comforting to know there are others and clearly from the responses there are quite a few.

Classically Casual

Veteran

I suspect you're really going to enjoy the decade of your 50's. For reasons I certainly don't understand, the changes in our bodies & hormones can lead to a big burst of creativity. For me this was a time to reinvent myself.
(These were fairly subtle changes to the observer, but meaningful to me.) And I recall feeling badly that men don't get to undergo this same type of metamorphosis. I say enjoy the rich relationships in your life, and embrace whatever comes next.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Deborah - I think it's all just a normal part of life...

On Saturday, our family went to a family social/work function and we saw people that we used to hang out with socially 10 or 15 years ago, when we were all in our early 20's. We were laughing about how back then we used to work and party so hard. Friday afternoons started at the pub at lunch and went on into the night and the more people we could gather the better. And we would and could be awake until all hours, a couple of time a week. Now, we all have children of assorted ages and we are all a whole lot more sedate. We value early nights, quiet time, spending quality time with family.

I like having company over and entertaining a bit, and I love my girlfriends to bits, but I they are few and they're chosen and they are important for this stage in my life. I have also found this year, where I have worked more than ever before both at my day job, and the baking business we are building and my doula work that I value quiet time in more than ever before. There is nothing I love more than a time out with my computer.

Anyway - that's my 2c worth. Hugs! x

Anonymous

Textyle's second comment really rings true for me and perhaps it is a part of what you are experiencing.. 'But to have friends that aren't really sharing your beliefs, goals, morals, etc., can be a challenge'. I have known 5 friends for about 9 years and to be honest nearly all of them have different interests to me and non are into fashion like myself. I actually had a mini meltdown a few weeks back at a gathering. and ended up crying and leaving early. However I would never go out at all if it wasn't for them so I have changed my mindset and now I think of them more as a means to an end. Don't get me wrong We do still get along well (we met up last Fri and it was fun) but I have to have my 'fix ' of like minded people on here. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company either Deb. I agree with the others that it probably is just a part of getting older and also the dreaded M. I'm officially in that at the moment and I have found myself getting 'Introspective' and trying to figure what I want from life. I also get depressed which is all part of it and as for the exhaustion... well it's quite a cocktail of feelings to deal with.
Don't be hard on yourself Deb and do some soul searching as to what really is important to you. Take care xo

Deborah

Veteran

Well firstly "thank you" and secondly, I got a bit teary reading your responses.

Krista, I relate to what you are saying. Up and until our relocation, I was crazy busy with 'everything' and constantly on the go. I thrived on it. When we relocated I decided to take it easy and not load myself up. That worked for a while and then I started taking on commitments. And I guess that just because that worked for me before, it is not necessarily right for me now.

Nebraskim, thank you for sharing. I love your comment 'distilling our lives down to the very essence and we will emerge like a concentrated powerhouse"... I found myself saying "YES" "YES". I may have to type this up and pop it in my wardrobe. It's almost like a time of rediscovery.

Texstyle, being able to talk about has actually allowed a load to shift from me, particular as I see I am not alone in how I am thinking and feeling. And I think you nailed how important common ground is. For me people who share my beliefs and values is incredibly important.

Suz, I agree. Im not isolated and my work is very people oriented so I feel 'integrated'. I do the same as you Suz, my DH and I often like very different movies and do the same as you. Time wasting is one of my pet peeves:) And you know like you I really value my friendships here and would be loath to rate them against my real life friendships. Both are important and both are valuable and both feed my soul:)

Liz, you know I think I might really be an introvert. I have always pushed myself to be more social, develop my people skills and put my self "out there". I prefer one on one interaction and find groups a bit overwhelming and large gatherings a bit uncomfortable, unless I know a lot of people. I really appreciate your comment, I think I might be feeling a bit 'down' but would certainly follow up if I thought it was anything more.

Dana, maybe I am having a midlife crisis! Maybe I should go buy a red sports car lol. I suspect I will start unpacking this with my real life friends soon and I suspect that communicating about it is actually part of the process that brings us out the other side. I am kind of freaking out about being in 'midlife' ... in my mind I am still 30

Rachy that is a really interesting thought. I have 4 very close girlfriends one of which goes back 20 years and I do feel very satisfied with these relationships. I am close to my mum and sister (dad has passed) and also to DH's mum. I told myself I had to integrate here and make friends, and I have, but I think I have to accept that it's ok if they are casual friendships and my existing relationships are enough and that is ok.

Carla, great exercise! I am going to try that. Like you I get a great deal of social interaction at work:)

Caro, if I accept the introspection, can I skip the wrinkles:) Nurturing my friendships is now not as fluid because I am 2.5 hours way, so it actually takes more of me (and I am sure of my girlfiends) to look after our relationships. This of course then leaves less time to pursue friendships here.

MNsara, oh I relate to you. I have become more outspoken but it can be badly received. I always try to be polite and sensitive but generally I find people like to gloss things over and pretend all is fine.

deb, I have been learning to say 'no'. I am happy with my situation and I do like living where we are so I think I do need to just roll with it.

Dianthus, thank you for your comment. I am encouraged that this is something women like yourself are also thinking about and discussing.

CC, thank you for you encouraging words. I do feel like this is a time of reinvention:) I have taken on some new interests that I am enjoying so much and I find invigorating - they are somewhat solitary pursuits I wonder if what I am feeling are 'growing pains'?

I hope I haven't missed anyone, I appreciate your thoughts, your encouragement and assurance that I am normal more than you know. Thank you. xxx

Deborah

Veteran

Hil and Diane thank you... we cross posted. I will read now and get back to you both xxx

Anonymous

Dear Deborah, I found myself nodding along to so many of your points. I get you girl! I think I started going through some of this when our (big) church dissolved a few years ago. I had been completely involved there and it met my social needs and being on the worship team was a huge creative outlet for me. We are still on good terms with everyone, but we just don't run into everyone every Sunday anymore. Our small group kept meeting, and in time we decided that we would be a church; these folks are my close friends.

Around that time I joined Facebook, but after awhile that began to feel juvenile, in part because it's something my kids do. Everyone was always taking pictures with their "besties" and "BFF"s and for some reason that made me feel left out. Similar to Rachylou, I guess I feel like grownups shouldn't have "best friends", especially more that one. What's with that anyway? If one person is your best friend, how can you have another? It seems like wrong word usage to me. A short time after I found YLF, I deleted my FB account. I had added too many friends (people from elementary school that I haven't seen in 35 years) and I wish I had just kept my circle small.

I guess I'm at a place in my life where I have some choices about what I get involved with. DFS was a lot of fun, but the dress code (and freezing boutique) was always a challenge and I could never volunteer enough to satisfy the never ending need. Add in some petty "full-time" volunteers and you begin to get the picture. Now with DH's new domicile assignment, I don't just happen to be downtown each week when the boutique is open; he drives himself and I am without a car. I gave them my notice a few months ago. Next, I volunteered with my friend, the landscape architect, on a one-month trial. After that month was up, I was so DONE with that! I could see doing that kind of volunteer work if I was angling for a job with the city like he is, but seriously and (you said this in an earlier thread) while it interested me, it didn't excite me. Ditto for the free online class I signed up for and dropped quickly on Into to Interior Design.

I'm getting very picky about what I do! I don't want to go to a movie I'm not interested in and I don't want to go somewhere and freeze wearing clothes I feel ugly in. Life is too short! No more volunteering at places that won't let me wear jeans. I guess I'm at the age and stage of life where I only want to do something that has meaning for me, and those opportunities seem few and far between. I might just have to create them for myself instead of getting involved in an organization, ie. helping to clean the house of a friend of a friend who has small children and late-stage cancer, visiting another friend's mom who is in a group home, etc.

So anyway, you see I can relate! I appreciate your no-nonsense approach and don't find it off-putting at all. And I love YLF for the same reasons you do. I have yet to find any one of my friends or acquaintances that is half as interested in fashion as I am, although we do get into deep discussions about other important things. I never thought it could have anything to do with hormones, but with midlife in general for sure. I imagine the older and wiser we get, the less time we'll have for petty, trivial situations and we'll focus on what's truly important.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

No wisdom just a kind of sympathy for not having the time or patience for a lot of people and situations. Like Caro and others I can really only keep up with a few really good friends, along with my sister. I do keep in contact with a sort of second tier of good friends and just can't imagine any more than that. The whole idea of facebook as a way of keeping in touch with everyone I have ever met leaves me cold. On the other hand, I love contributing to YLF and I get a lot out of interacting with intelligent, thoughtful women (with shared interests!), so maybe Suz is right that this fulfills a lot of the broader social needs of this confirmed introvert.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I also understand this. I was raised by an extremely introverted mother! I am naturally pretty introverted and have a high tolerance for solitude. I have to actively nudge myself out of being a homebody and make myself go out and do social things, especially when my husband isn't around to provide the additional nudge. Just within the last week, I've had two occasions -- an outdoor concert event and my neighborhood picnic -- that I was momentarily tempted to skip, but went and had a great time. I connected with people I hadn't met before, and reconnected with people I already know and deepened some friendships.

All the same, I have less tolerance for making commitments to things and people that don't truly inspire or excite me. I think this is all part of getting older and more confident in ourselves and our true preferences.

Kudos to you for the introspection. I think these times of unease are critical for personal growth.

JulieJohn

Veteran

Hi Deborah. Though I am sorry you are going through this, it's good to read because I thought it was just me. Especially the part about no time for small talk anymore. It's just such a waste, and there are so many more interesting things to discuss!

I am peri-menopausal, enjoying intermittent bouts of insanity sprinkled with moments of clarity and joy. It is a time for assessing, and then re-assessing, and then re-re-assessing. I'm trying not to be bitter, it's just like you said, "growing pains". When we reach puberty we go through the same feelings: uncertainty about what life is about, why many people seem shallow, where we are headed as individuals. Just when you thought you knew yourself, it's "Puberty II - The Sequel".

I don't have any great words of advice except to say that I find your introspection a great sign of your wisdom and mental health. It helps me to know I am growing in compassion and self-forgiveness. And wondering what I was thinking when I thought I knew what life was about?!? Back to beginner's mind .... ((hugs))

Anonymous

Lol! JJ ""Puberty II - The Sequel" !! love it I just had to chime back in

DizzyLizzy

Deborah, thank you for going public with your thoughts. I recently went through the same thought process. I joined a couple of business womens networks thinking that I had become too withdrawn. I enjoyed the events, and certainly the company, but I also realised that there hadn't really been any 'problem' to start with. I was simply happy with my own company and that of my nearest and dearest.

I think as we get older (I'm 48) we become more emotionally stable, more conscientious and more compassionate. I enjoy authentic relationships over aquantanceships these days, and think it's just a sign of maturity and a busy, fulfilling life.

Committees drive me NUTS. It is usually impossible to change the ingrained habits and attitudes of individual members agendas so remember it's okay to step away and it's okay to say no.

Sending virtual hugs from a newbie.

Lyn D.

Veteran

I missed this Deborah, but things that are important have a way of presenting themselves, so better later than never!
When we are changing inside it is natural to crave more 'me-time', to think things through and decide on a course of action.
I am surprised that more relationships don't break-up during mid-life, when we start to feel things so much more deeply and clearly.
When we are being treated unfairly we speak-up, when others are we shed tears more readily too!
To top it off our parents and older role models are growing old with all that this entails- a tough time.
I think my last 5 years have been the most trying but wonderful of all, and you are about those many years behind me in your life.
So, it must be getting nearer to the time our real lives cross, 'cause maybe we can share some stuff and help each other just a bit?

Deborah

Veteran

You know I could just hug you all. I was feeling a bit down on myself becausemofmhowmimwas feeling and your support and encouragement..and your willingness to share how you feel has been medicine for my soul.

Lyn, yes, we do need to meet up soon. I have a few commitments to get through and then I'm working out tasking some leave which I'm hoping will include time in Melbourne x

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