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If you were adopted, would you want your full birth certificate?

Aziraphale

Veteran

I am an adoptee. My parents got me when I was ten days old. I don't remember anything, of course. We know my birth parents were young teenagers, and we know their ethnic background, but that's about it. And for my whole life, I've always resisted the suggestion that I search for my birth parents, for several reasons. One, I don't want to hurt my real parents' feelings. Two, there's a very real possibility for disappointment -- I mean, there's every chance that they are (excuse the phrase) white trash. Three, it seems self-indulgent. Four, what if my birth parents are needy and/or obnoxious, and I've opened a can of worms that cannot be closed? Five, what if they aren't interested? So many reasons to let sleeping dogs lie. (Sorry, I'm full of cliches today).

But lately I've been wondering if I should at least apply for my unabridged birth certificate. Then I could consider searching out my birth parents later. What if there's some medical history I should know about? I have children now, so a medical background seems a good idea. What if I put it off so long that my birth parents die, and then it's too late?

Here's the thing. I've had a good life so far, and I've been happy and fortunate. My extended family has never treated me any differently from the natural offspring. I didn't grow up feeling excluded. My parents never tried to hide the fact that I was adopted, and expressed gratitude that they were able to raise a baby despite their infertility struggles. But I've always felt different. I'm not sure if it's all in my head, or what.

But there's one thing that I remember. I was at a party years ago, and we had all had a bit to drink, and the topic of adoption came up because one of the guys there had initiated a search for his birth parents. It turned out that three of us had been adopted (through the public system in BC) as babies. The 70s was a prime decade for local adoption, apparently. Anyway, all three of us were very emphatic that we would never adopt a baby ourselves -- even though we had all had good upbringings (better, probably, than we would have had by our underage birth parents). At the time, I couldn't explain why. I still can't. On a rational level, adoption makes sense. But I would never have done it myself. The idea made me feel sick to my stomach.

I haven't talked to anyone about this except my husband. I'm just curious to know what you would do.

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90 replies

Latest reply was from fern

ironkurtin

Veteran

I think you might try talking to a professional to work this out. There is obviously something going on here that you should put to rest. Between your fear of what you might find, and your fear of what you might be missing, there is a lot of explore.

As a side note, I don't know why you wouldn't adopt. The feelings that bring up are very worth exploring as well.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thanks, IK. I has come up before with a professional, but as a side note, not a focus.

The fear of what I might find is real. I know several people now who searched for and found their birth parents. Disappointment all round. Plus I've read about it -- apparently happy endings are rare.

I think I do know why I wouldn't adopt, though. I am an island. Or, I was. Now that I have children, I am upgraded to a peninsula.

ETA let me put it another way. When I look at their faces, I see my own reflected back at me. This is something that most people take for granted -- you grow up seeing yourself reflected in all the family around you. Adopted children never know this feeling of connection until they have children of their own.

So people who were natural children, who later find themselves infertile, are grateful to adopt. I suspect adopted people have a harder time because already they are little genetic islands.

I can't speak for other adoptees, but I would have been more OK with infertility and no children than somebody else's children.

Sal

Veteran

I agree to talk to a professional. I know people who have found birth parents where it has been a positive/wonderful experience, and I know others where it has been disappointing and sad.

I honestly cannot say what I would do. I would say that if you have a strong relationship with your adopted family it will survive either way it goes with your birth parents.

Good luck!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Huh. I think you can see yourself in any child you have raised. (Shoot, I see myself in my cat, and he never got a single genetic component from me.) Also, I look nothing like anyone in my family, nor does my daughter look even the slightest like me. We're all happy genetic islands over here!

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I think adopting a child who would otherwise go without a family is a great act of love. But then, I am - as far as I know - a natural child, so of course other mileages may vary.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Ah, but you know you're not an island, even if you're not a dead ringer for your mom or dad. That's the difference! FWIW, my kids look more like my husband than me, but it's not just looks that run in families. It's not just what you look like, it's what you are like. And it's true that there is always a combination of nature and nurture (ah, the old nature vs. nurture debate!) and it's also true that adopted children absorb a lot of the values of their adoptive families.

BUT. I can remember surpassing my parents in certain ways. My family was lovely, but I remember feeling 'outside', even though I was well aware that no one was trying to make me feel like an outsider.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

One of my good friends, whom I've known for nearly twenty years now, is adopted and in the last few years was contacted by her birth parents. I think she always imagined that they were nonfunctional people in some ways but it turns out they are actually pretty successful, at least nowadays. They had her when they were in high school and ended up staying together, getting married and having two more kids. So it turns out she has two full biological siblings that she never knew about who are adults now. It's been a bit weird for her getting to know them all, and in a strange way she's sorta mad that they aren't the dramatic 'white trash drug addicts' story she imagined when she was a kid, because it makes the fact that they gave her up for adoption less understandable, if that makes any sort of sense?

I can say this only from the outside because I'm not an adoptee, but biological ties aren't all that. I think it's one of those 'grass is always greener' kind of things. I have absolutely nothing in common with my extended family other than some genes, and I often feel really guilty that I don't feel a stronger connection to them and can't seem to forge one.

Jules

Veteran

I think it's pretty common for adoptees to want that genetic link with their own offspring. It applies to all the adoptees I know anyway. Lots of adoptee forums/support available on the Internet if you want to seek that out.
As for family history, you've made it this far and have healthy kids too, right? I know there are many adult-onset genetic diseases or predispositions but with a few big exceptions, I'm not convinced knowing in advance is helpful if you can't do any prevention. And the general lifestyle/health prevention stuff is something we should all probably do anyway, right?
Complete sidebar, I read an interesting article recently about Canadians with known risk factors who are actually avoiding genetic testing because they want to avoid "genetic discrimination" when applying for insurance, etc.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Az, trust me, my whole life I've felt an island, and there were times when I devoutly wished no genetic link to anyone I knew. So... families. They're complicated. Like Laura says, there's no one answer. You can only do what makes you feel whole.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Kiwigal -- thanks! I do have a good relationship with my real family. I'm not worried about destroying that. The only difficult relationship was with my mother, but she's pretty far along the dementia path now (in fact that's why I went for counselling, nothing to do with adoptive parents) so it's kind of all gone for sh*t anyway.

I'm not thinking that meeting my birth parents will replace my parents in any way. Parenthood is a relationship, and you can't just hop in there 42 years down the road and be like family, you know? But part of me wants to just find out.

Laura, interesting to hear about your friend. Thanks for the anecdote.

Jules, yes, I agree, the medical records thing is a minor concern. But it's an added pro in the pro column. It's a pretty small pro column, other than the 'wanting to solve the mystery' reason. And that's the thing -- the pros column is short, and the cons column is long! It's like trying to talk yourself into buying a fabulous pair of shoes that you know you won't wear very often. The cons column is long, and the pros column pretty much boils down to 'but I want them'! It's not a good reason, but it's flashing red.

Mochi

Veteran

Hi, Aziraphale. I want to give this topic all the attention it deserves. I happen to be really tired this evening, but didn't want to hold off completely, so I'm throwing stuff out there kind of abruptly (and didn't read most of the comments, which I really want to do).

I was adopted as a baby. I met my birth parents at around 29, when my daughter was about four. They'd actually married six years after giving me up. They were not nice people. I disliked them (the father especially). Yet I am very glad I went through with the search and found out about them. Not knowing, or at least doing my best to find out, was untenable for me.

I have to add that in my case, getting an original birth certificate would not have made a difference, because my bio mother made up a name. A really stupid first and last name that had nothing to do with them. It was acceptable for the New York State birth certificate. I never would have found them with that, without the help of a matching organization and my bio-parents' having registered on it (they were also searching for me; my birth date, time and location was how we were matched up).

I like to think I would have loved to adopt (I have one biological daughter. Yes, it's extra-special to me that she's my only blood relation.) I feel like I would have really identified with an adopted child. However, my husband's side of the family would not have accepted this. They're Japanese and it's not done.

Hopefully there will be more to add later.

Jules

Veteran

I actually didn't get from your OP that this is something your heart is calling you to do. Maybe passion should outweigh logic in this situation. For the record, I know of at least two really positive, like amazingly so, experiences. And then of course some mixed ones
I thought it interesting that you said your birth parents are probably "white trash" then later said you "surpassed" your parents in some ways. Even if your birth parents' circumstances aren't middle class or stable or whatever, meeting them might be worthwhile for you. But there are no guarantees, obviously you get that.

Aziraphale

Veteran

IK -- lol, see, I need to hear stuff like that -- that even biological children can feel like an island! (Are you the family 'black sheep'?). But yes, joking aside -- I do know what you mean. Biological children can be very different from their families. But it's a little complicated for adopted children, because you always wonder, do they not get this because they are fundamentally different from me? You start out with the knowledge that you ARE different, and you hope that it doesn't matter. And maybe it doesn't. But, speaking for myself at least -- you always feel a little bit like you don't fit.

(You have kids. Do you not see behaviours in them that you recognize? Like, in a more specific way than just kids in general?).

And there's no ideal way to handle it as an adoptive parent, either. You can hide the adoption from your child, but that's idiotic, because that child will feel betrayed when she finds out. Or you can tell them, as my parents did, but the adopted child always feels the burden of not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, while at the same time having a natural curiosity about her origins.

Mochi, it's interesting to hear your perspective. At 29, the last thing I want to do was find my biological parents. It's only now, as I'm realizing that my life will not, in fact, go on forever, that I'm wondering if I should seek them out.

It's not surprising that you didn't like them. I haven't heard one personal positive account of a reunion yet, although I've read about them. Everyone I know personally who was adopted who subsequently found their birth parents was disappointed. Mostly it was just that, though -- disappointment. Not active dislike.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Yes, Jules, I realize those two comments sound contradictory. Let me explain.

My dad is a middle-class white Canadian. Seventh-generation, I think. My mom was born an inner-city, working class Londoner. My dad earned several university degrees and had a respectable middle-class job. He was bright but lazy. My mom, on the other hand, was ambitious and hard-working, and also possessed a certain amount of 'street smarts', but was really quite dim in other ways. She never could understand why the sun rises in the east, for example. She was also self-righteous and proud of her ignorance, which was frustrating. So by my early teen years I had well surpassed her in terms of academic achievement. With my dad, not so much, but he never talked very much, so it was hard to tell.

The reason I assume my birth parents were 'white trash' is because that's what the balance of probability says. But who knows. Maybe they're not. And even if they are, it doesn't mean they are stupid.

Kim

Veteran

I cannot speak to the happy ending about finding your own birth parents, but I can tell you a story about a semi-happy ending that happened in my own family this year.

Almost exactly a year ago my sister found a page on Facebook where someone was searching for my mother's sister. My sis was also doing a quick search for her as she had estranged herself from our whole family some 25 years ago, and occasionally we looked for her. On this facebook page we discovered that 40 years ago she had had a secret baby!!! That baby was looking for his birth mother and had created this Facebook page.

We were soooooo shocked!! We had no idea he existed and immediately got our Mom to make the first contact with him. He had started looking for his birth mom after he had had his own baby 9 years ago, and was about to finally give up the search and take down the facebook page. Thank God we found it first.

We've gotten in touch with him, met him, his wife and daughter and been able to help him make some sense out of what happened in his life 40 years ago. My aunt is still out of the picture and refusing to contact any of us, so there's likely no happy ending there, BUT he has found a family that gets his sense of humor, and understands just how much he looks like our grandfather...He sees himself in us and we see ourselves in him. We've been able to give him pictures of his birth family and tell him stories about his mother and his grandparents, and help him to come to terms with why she did what she did.

It's likely that he'll never get the closure he'd like from his birth mom, but I'm sure glad that we've found each other. Perhaps that's the happy ending.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Kim, what a lovely anecdote. I'll add that to the pros column.

I have to admit that a big part of this, for me, it simply curiosity. I'm not sure that I need closure from my birth mother -- I can imagine some very good reasons why one might not want to raise a child, as well as some scenarios which might lead to a teen pregnancy in the first place. I harbour no ill will.

Of course, if teen pregnancy happens now, the solution is much more likely to be abortion. I'm assuming that option was not available back then.

Mochi

Veteran

Aziraphale, about the class thing, you never know. My bio-dad (heretofore I'll just call them mother and father, to make things easier) was from an educated, middle-class Jewish background in Berlin, Germany right before the war. The family fled as refugees to London, and eventually he attended the University of Edinburgh on scholarship and in the 50's joined IBM as one of the team that developed their first computer. He is educated up the wazoo--he's just a mean-spirited bastard! My mother was smart and well-read, but never finished college. Both of them had traveled extensively, lived in New York City in a big apartment filled with antiques and were not stupid. Just very very strange people....incidentally he was 40 when I was born, my mom was 27, so not the stereotype of the college students who couldn't raise a baby. He just didn't want to marry her (at that point--they married six years later, as I said) and at that time being a single parent was not an option.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Mochi, my brother's birth parents had a similar bio. The birth mom was a 21-year-old law student, and I think the father might have been a prof? Anyway he was a lot older, and unwilling to marry her.

My birth parents were high school students from a small mill town. That doesn't sound promising.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I realize my above posts sound classist. Not my intention. I don't think middle class is somehow 'better' than working class. I also don't think more education necessarily means you're more intelligent. My working-class uncle is clever and perceptive and broadminded. On the other hand, I've met several people with graduate degrees who are meatheads.

More education generally accompanies a wider perspective, though. And in my mom's case -- well, there's a wilful ignorance about her. An unwillingness to learn or admit that she might be wrong. Like insisting on calling African Americans 'negroes' no matter how many times we explain to her why we don't do that anymore. Argh.

Kristin SF

Veteran

I was adopted as a baby and I actually did go back (to Asia) to find out additional details of my birth when I was in my early 20s. However, I only wanted to learn more about the circumstances of my birth and birth parents; I had no desire to meet them or form a relationship. It was more intellectual curiosity. I feel like my bond with my parents is pretty strong and I never felt like anything was missing.

As for the thought of adopting children, I always thought it would be a wonderful and amazing thing to do. If DH and I experienced infertility, we would have gone that route. However, with 2 children already in our family, we're pretty much done. Kids are expensive propositions....!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Az, you wrote: (You have kids. Do you not see behaviours in them that you recognize? Like, in a more specific way than just kids in general?).

No. I think any kid raised with me from a young age would start to emulate some of my and my husband's behaviors, jokes, and expressions. I don't think it's genetically coded. I do think personality comes preloaded, but it's not necessarily inherited: my daughter was a happy baby and so far has been a happy, outgoing kid, whereas I apparently was an unhappy, self-absorbed weirdo. So there you go.

I mean yes, my daughter likes to read and write, and I like to read and write. She likes fantasy, and I like fantasy. But she also likes dancing and gymnastics and cute animal videos and doing makeup and Wii (yawn). And my husband builds things, like furniture and cars, and she is totally uninterested. So it's a total crapshoot.

Honestly, I felt like I was an alien my entire upbringing. I took it very personally that my parents didn't get me. In retrospect, that is asking far to much of any human being. Being blood doesn't mean connection. Unfortunate, in some ways, but fortunate in that it allows us to make others of our own choosing.

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I definitely don't have any wisdom about what you should or shouldn't do... I'm just chiming in to say that I'm so interested in this thread and the thoughts that you and others have expressed because there is so much adoption in my family. Of our nine nieces and nephews, five are adopted (into three different families) and four of the five are different races from their adoptive parents. (On a side note, the remaining four nieces and nephews are children of my step siblings so also not biologically connected to us.) Because of this, I have such a heart for, and love of adoption from the perspective of a relative on the receiving end... But I have given thought to how it must feel to be a child who feels like an island - like you said. I do worry how alone they must feel on a deep, instinctual level, and I wonder what it must be like (particularly as they grow older) for them to look so drastically different from their parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The other interesting twist is that both of my step siblings were adopted by their parents (their father married my mother after we were all grown). My step sister had two biological daughters and then later chose to adopt a child. I will have to ask her more about her feelings and thought process. All I know is from the perspective of knowing that I couldn't possibly love my nieces and nephews any more had they been born naturally to their parents... Somehow this multi-faceted, and colorful family feels all the more special because of it.

All that to say, I will be reading with interest. I'm sure that you will be able to make the decisions that feel the most peaceful and in keeping with your own needs. And those decisions will be the right ones for that reason - no matter what the outcomes are.

Echo

Veteran

My father was adopted and never once wanted to seek out his biological mother. She had abandoned him and he and his sister were found as babies. Had they not been found in time, it is quite likely they could have died. From his perspective, why would he want to know anything about a person who could abandon her own children? He meant nothing to her, so she in turn meant nothing to him. So while his adoptive family has extensive history, no one knows a thing about his biological one.

But you must also keep in mind that your biological parents might not want to be found. At least in the United States, adoptions at that time were often "closed", meaning that the adoptee was not entitled to know anything about the biological parents. The biological parents often went about life and never told anyone about the child they had given up. For them to be found and for them to be forced to tell their families about their past was often met with anger and resentment. In a closed adoption, I do not agree with trying to find biological parents unless both the parents and the child seek out one another on adoption reunion sites, for example. It is potentially too disruptive and unwelcomed otherwise. But adoption policy might have been different in Canada.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thanks for the kind words, Sarah. And growing up always feeing a little different was not such a bad thing. Also, I was not alone; my brother, too, was adopted. So we were both in the same boat. Plus, he feels like my sibling despite there being no blood ties, just like my parents feel like my parents. I call them my 'real' parents if I want to differentiate them from my 'biological' parents. I've never called them my 'adoptive' parents. My parents couldn't have loved us more -- just as your family couldn't love its adopted children more.

BUT I would be lying if I said I had no curiosity about my origins. And from all the adopted people I've talked to (I've met quite a few, especially those in my age bracket), it seems that it's pretty common to have vague sense of dislocation. This obviously can happen with biological children, too, as Ironkurtin has just made clear. But I think the chances of feeling 'like an alien' are higher with adopted children.

Like I said, it's hard to argue against adoption. It makes such good sense. Here's a baby a woman can't care for; here is an infertile couple who desperately want a baby. It seems like a win-win. But Mochi's testimony is the first I've heard of this type -- i.e. an adoptee who would have adopted a baby. Every other adopted person I've talked to about this has said nope, no way, wouldn't adopt my own, would rather go childless. Which I think is interesting, and unexpected. I mean, wouldn't you think that an adoptee would be all for adoption? But, so far as I can see, we're mostly not.

Here's the thing. I suspect some real damage is done to a baby if he/she is removed from its natural mother -- the same as if the mother died. For infant adoptions, the child won't remember, but I suspect it damages them. It doesn't doom the adoptee to a life of unhappiness, but it's a non-ideal starting point in life and adds a complicating layer to the childrearing endeavour.

And never mind the baby -- what about the birth mom? Can you imagine giving up a baby? I can't. It must be so heart wrenching.

Of course, if there weren't unwanted babies, adoptive couples would have to go childless, and that would be heartbreaking, too.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Echo, you're quite right, if my adoptive parents have filed a disclosure veto, I won't be able to find them. That's fine. I'm ambivalent about the whole thing anyway. I actually have a disclosure veto in place, so I can't be contacted. I filed it in 1996, when the law changed to improve access to adoption records -- at least for government-mediated adoptions.

If I can't contact them, I'll just take it as a sign that it's not meant to be.

ETA: also, regarding your father -- yeah, I don't think I'd want to find a woman who left me to die, either. It's a bit different with my own biological parents. I know they were fifteen, in high school, had an 'oops', and gave the baby up for adoption.

MsMary

Veteran

This is a very difficult issue. My former husband was adopted and found his birth mother when he was in his late 40s. It was disappointing -- there was no question he's been raised in a much better family, in pretty much every way, than he'd have had if she'd kept him. But then he always felt like an outsider in the family that raised him. There are no easy answers.

But I have to say it really hurts me ears when I hear the term "white trash." People may be poor, they may be uneducated, they may not be as sophisticated as we'd like, but that doesn't make them trash. Trash is trash and people are people and... ouch.

Gaylene

Veteran

If I was adopted, would I want my full birth certificate? Short answer--yes. I might choose to act on the information--or I might not--but either way I'd feel more in control of my life. I think, as a mature adult, having that kind of information becomes more a matter of investigating your genealogy than about trying to find another family.

As for the whole teenage pregnancy thing, I think it's important to consider what being a pregnant teenager was like in the 60s and early 70s in a small town. I know quite a bit about it because a very close friend of mine became pregnant back in the late sixties when we were just finishing our last year of high school. "Carol" was a "nice" girl from a "good" family--a straight A student who was planning to leave our small town and go to university with the rest of our group. Abortions were illegal so her choices were to have a procedure performed by a highly dubious "doctor" working out of a private home, to be hastily wed to her high school boyfriend who was also just graduating that year, or to "visit an aunt"--the euphemism used to describe the situation whereby a young, pregnant teenager went to work as an unpaid, live-in servant to a family who lived in another town until the child was born and could be put up for adoption. Keeping her child as a single teenager was never an option. As long as Carol agreed to not be seen in public in the small town where we lived until after the child was born and to never mention the child, the fiction of "going to visit an aunt" could be maintained, and Carol would be allowed to pick up her life, with a slightly tarnished reputation, after the year's hiatus.

The reality, of course, was quite different. My friend suffered dreadfully from postpartum depression. She failed her first year of university and ended up back in our small town working as a waitress. A year later, Carol found herself pregnant again and this time married the father of her second child and had two more children with him. By the time, I was finishing my graduate degree, my friend was a divorcee with three small children, working days in a diner and nights in a bar. It wasn't until Carol was in her early thirties that she managed to find a sympathetic therapist who helped her come to terms with her teenage pregnancy so she could overcome her feelings of failure and loss. My friend went back to college, studied accounting while caring for three small children, got hired by an accounting firm, and ended up as a chartered accountant. To this day, I don't know how she did it, but I do know she is a person who I admire endlessly--smart, funny, wise--the whole package.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Sorry, Mary. It's a terrible term, I know. I shouldn't have used it. I also clarified somewhere in the middle of the thread that I don't think working class people have less value than middle class. (Oh, and I also said above that even if they are, it doesn't mean they are stupid. And hell knows, there are plenty of educated people who are plenty stupid).

I think I use the phrase 'I bet they are white trash' as a kind of self-defence...because it's too easy, as a adoptee, to have romantic notions of your birth parents being wonderful, exceptional people, and that's almost never the case.

But you're right. It's a really unkind term.

I meant it this way: 'white trash' it's a kind of shorthand for people who are wilfully ignorant, who take pride in their ignorance and lack of education.

Desmo April

(website)

Veteran

I am adopted.
I was adopted as an infant and did not find out until I was 18, talk about traumatic. My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the years but it did get better. I'm definitely the black sheep of the family and I live on the other side of the country. My family also wasn't necessarily the greatest, my father left when I was six, I never saw him again and we were pretty poor after that. I'm intrested in finding out about my birth parents but I've never put any effort into it. I've always been under the impression that it wasn't that easy.

As for kids, I've never wanted them so the question of adopting has never even crossed my mind. I doubt I would if I even wanted children.

****Any reference to family is my adoptive family.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Gaylene, your words are wise, as always. And the situation you describe is likely exactly what happened with my birth parents. I know abortions were not really an option in the 60s and 70s -- like I said, I know a lot of adopted people of European descent in my age group, which means white Canadian women were giving up babies. That doesn't happen much anymore. The only young adoptees I know are Asian, with one exception -- a little girl whose mother was a heroin addict, and the couple adopted her knowing that she may have brain damage. When it became clear, AFTER TWO YEARS, that she didn't, her birth mother filed a suit to get her back. She lost, thankfully.

I digress. So, yes, I can imagine the scenario. You're 15, you're pregnant, you can't get an abortion and you can't keep the baby. What else are you going to do?

Actually, I do know a little more than I should. My dad ran into a university friend en route to picking me up. The friend said he was heading up to mediate an adoption, and my dad said, that's funny, we're heading up to adopt a baby. Of course, small world, it was the same baby. So he told my parents a few things about the kids -- they were from 'nice' families, they were both on the honour roll, that sort of thing. So assuming there was no fibbing going on (on the part of the social worker, or later, of my parents), the situation probably was not as bad as I sometimes make out. Like I said to Mary, denigrating my birth parents is probably something I do out of self-defence, so I don't get my hopes up.

ETA about the impact on the biological mother -- I mentioned that upthread, too. Never mind the negative effects on the child -- can you imagine giving up a baby for adoption? How hard that would be? I don't think I could do it.

No, bottom line: there should be no unwanted babies. If wishes were horses, sigh.

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