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I Want to Establish a Dress Code for My Child

wilson

I just posted a photo reflecting my six year old son's personal style and AJ's response reminded me that I am contemplating enforcing some fashion rules for school next year. I'd love to get your feedback.

Next fall he will be in first grade. He goes to a public school and I am kicking around the idea of having a family rule that only certain types of clothes can be worn to school. It would look somewhat like this: Monday through Thursday are days to wear collared shirts and trousers or jeans. He could wear whatever he wishes on Fridays (tees, sweats, whatever). Shoes and accessories (belts, suspenders, vests, whatever) are free game every day. All items, including the collared shirts and trousers/jeans, would be chosen by him and wouldn't need to be solid or stuffy, but would have to meet the criteria, such as being collared. Hair would be free game too.

My reasons for wanting to do something like this stem from wanting to impart a sense of appropriateness to him. A lot of little kiddos at his school, all grades, look sloppy (I absolutely do not judge them or their families in any way, that is not the point of this). What I am concerned about is my son learning the skills of presenting himself well, especially as the world gets smaller and smaller and it is more likely than not that he will be competing for jobs and opportunities against other candidates worldwide, not just his American peers.

We had a few rules this year for kindergarden such as no tees with prints that might be scary to others (fierce dinosaurs, graphic dragons, etc.) and no fake tatoos during the school week. What I don't want to do is stifle his creativity and the way he expresses himself with clothes or set the stage for control issues.

What do you think, is this a battle not worth picking? My thoughts are that I can always loosen the dress code but once he is a little bit older it won't be as easy to reign it back in.

Dressing

48 replies

Latest reply was from LoP

AJ

Veteran

Why not sort his clothes into capsules: one for school and one for play? He can pick whatever he wants in the appropriate capsule.

Steph

Veteran

I am not a parent, so take my advice for what it's worth. I remember being a kid and how important it was to fit in. I also remember how important it was for my brother to fit in--I almost feel like it can be more difficult for boys to be "different" than it is for girls. My brother was shy and he just wanted to look like his peers so that he wouldn't stand out or be picked on.

If all of the other kids are wearing tee shirts or sweatshirts and your child is in a collared shirt every day, he will stick out. Maybe it won't be a big deal at all, but it might result in him being teased. Now, are kids going to get teased for one thing or another? Sure. But why potentially create something that will make him appear different? I think there are other ways to instill a respect for clothing and appropriateness than to make him wear collared shirts every day.

Although we may not think of collared shirts as stuffy, for a six year old kid, it very well may appear to be the case. I don't think that wearing tee-shirts at the age of six is going to put him behind in the global market as he grows up.

Like I said, not a parent. And I do think your guidelines about not wearing fake tattoos or shirts that might scare other kids are fair ones. But the collared shirt thing seems to be one that could potentially set your son up for being made fun of. Additionally, although we might think of collared shirts and a polished appearance being important as adults, those things aren't necessarily as important to children. There are also valuable lessons to be learned about understanding your peers and environmental norms. It seems like a lot to potentially saddle a young child with, for reasons that can most likely be achieved in other ways.

AJ

Veteran

By collared shirts, are you mainly referring to polos? Those are much more casual than button downs. I do agree that button downs might seem severe for first grade. Plus there's also the recess factor and he may not feel comfortable running around and playing on the monkey bars in a button down shirt and trousers.

Granted, I homeschool, but my boys only wear collared shirts to church.

I think there are lots of cute and not sloppy option for boys that also includes cargo shorts and fun appropriate tees.

wilson

I really value your insights Steph and really appreciate you taking the time to respond to this with thought. Setting my son up to be made fun of would be a horrible thing and I don't want to enforce things that would set him apart in an off way; definitely not what I want to accidently accomplish. What ideas do you have for instilling this type of appropriateness? My idea for doing this with school centers around school being his "work" where he strives to do his best each day. We don't do a whole lot of activities that require dress codes for six year olds. Even the plays and recitals we go to are casual dress as well as most weddings. I don't mind the super casualness of where we live (at all) but I do want to give him skills to go anywhere in the world and show up appropriately. My idea for collared shirts is very loose and includes collared jersy tees w/graphics, polos as well as along the lines of what these boys are wearing:

http://www.jcrew.com/kids/boys.jsp

Although we can't afford these jcrew clothes new we do find alot of crewcut type clothes secondhand. Collars shirts under tees and tees under collared shirts would be totally ok by me: it fits the criteria so would be appropriate.

Briefly, I had an experience this semster that really showed me the importance of presenting yourself well when necessary. I was in a mathematics class and all students had to give a presentation to the rest of the class. Some students gave presentations in gym wear, some in flannel jammie pants with disheveled hair and some in nice clothing (not expensive, just nice). All the information was intelligent and obviously researched but the ones who knew to dress appropriately had an edge. All of us are competing for grades to get into a highly competitive program so I pondered why they didn't dress appropriately for a presentation when a part of the grade for the project was its presentation. I want to give my son the skills to create all the edges he can.

wilson

AJ, I am thinking just plain old collared, whether a button down or polo. If he wants to stitch a collar into a crazy tee, that would not only make me smile but be fine because it fits the criteria. What I want to accomplish is to teach him how to appropriately meet dress criteria and instill a habit of thinking about it. We aren't stuffy type people and I don't want to squelch his creativity or like you mention restrict his movement.

The shorts would be something to think about because we do live in the high desert and early fall is really, really hot and they are necessary for part of the school year. Hmm...

Fruitful

Veteran

Wilson, if this dress code is what you as a parent are moved to try, then why not? We are all in different circumstances and it sounds like you are responding to your unique circumstances. It is different to what I do, but we have different circumstances - and I can't say I don't need to lift my game anyway.

We all have our own ways of expressing dress code, whether implicit or explicit. Every day I remind my son to cover his socks with his pants, because it's what I care about. I make him wear 4 layers in cool weather while I see others running about with bare legs and arms.

My son often enjoys wearing collared shirts of a casual type such as you showed, or more "surfer chic" button downs. It's funny but I've never told him to, he just likes them. Also, he doesn't pick out his own clothes yet (he's 7 :)), I pick them out, but if he complains, I give him a different item. Different personalities, different family styles, it's all good. Your son seems like he has a different attitude to clothing than mine does - and you have a different method of guiding him than I do!

I didn't let my son wear graphic tees to kindergarten either (he went to a Steiner kinder and there are specific reasons not to, but I like that you put your own thought into why that might not be appropriate). He had one plain jacket that we called his "kinder jacket", so I guess it was a way to experience setting-specific dressing.

He went to a uniformed school for nearly 2 years and I can't tell you how confronting that was for me! Now he's at a school where they wear their own clothes and I love it.

Sounds like you are a conscious and caring mum and I'm sure whichever way you go with your son's clothing, it will be done with love and awareness. Parenting's all a big experiment, don't second guess yourself too much - try out your dress code and enjoy it!

wilson

How funny Fruitful, my son went to preschool 2 years at a Waldorf/Steiner school and I intended for him to go through all his schooling there. Circumstances changed for us and he is now in public school but he had a school-imposed dress code as a preschooler, probably the same your little guy had

Steph

Veteran

Wilson, I guess I would think of a few ways that you could instill the importance of wearing appropriate clothing. One would be for places like church, going out to dinner with the family, on class photo day, going to weddings, recitals, etc. I know you said that weddings and recitals in your area are casual, but it would seem odd for him to be prohibited from wearing tee-shirts to school but allowed to wear them for those occasions, which are unquestionably more formal. It seems like those situations would be good ones where you could explain that because it is something special, you want to dress up a bit more. Since they are not as common, it isn't likely he would stick out at those. And, of course, it's not like he'll stick out by wearing a collared shirt one day to school. But to never be allowed to wear a tee-shirt (or only one day a week) does seem like something that could end up getting him singled out.

I think even more important than the actual occasions, however, would be discussions with him as he grows up about what is appropriate and what isn't. It's very sad that the people in your program would give presentations looking sloppy, but it seems to me that there is a big disconnect between being able to wear a tee-shirt to school as a six year old and not knowing that you should look polished when giving a presentation. Since you are so aware of these issues, I am sure you would instill those values just by talking to him. When he has special days at school--performances, presentations, etc., maybe those would be days where you could sit down and discuss what he is going to wear and why. After all, you, I, and the women on this board know what's appropriate for a presentation, right? I know I wasn't prohibited from wearing tee-shirts or sweats to school, yet I still understood what was appropriate for different situations, because my parents taught me that, and showed me that through their own behavior. They dressed a certain way when going to work, a different way when going to a wedding, etc.

I'll give you the flipside of the story you told. When I was growing up I was in a program for gifted children. One of my classmates in the program was a boy who only wore collared shirts and never wore jeans. He was clearly different and had few friends. His clothing made him look uptight (and his demeanor was also uptight). I am sure he has gone on to be very successful in life, but it's sad for a kid to have few friends because he doesn't fit in. Now maybe this kid really liked wearing collared shirts every day and that's who he was--it is certainly probable that is the case. But I also wonder if he wasn't pushed by his parents that school was something formal, and as a result had not only a formal look, but a formal attitude. He never learned the valuable social skills of making friends, running around the playground, and being a kid.

I certainly don't mean to tell you how to raise your son (of course!), and I hope you don't read this that way. It seemed like you were interested in me expounding further, so that's why I went into this detail.

Louise

Veteran

This is a tricky one, on the one hand you want him to develop an appropriate dress sense for his future work life but on the other you don't want him to stand out like a sore thumb. I don't have children of my own but I do work with them (3-7) and I know how important it is to many of them to 'fit in'.

I think Steph makes some good points about encouraging him to dress smartly for church, weddings, meals out etc. and discussing why making an effort is important. Does the school give any guidance on clothing? My school has a school uniform however the nursery (3 year olds) aren't required to wear it and we encourage parents not to send the children in their best clothes as they inevietably get messy which is half the fun of play.

I like AJ's ideas of capsules 1 for school, 1 for play and perhaps 1 for dressier occassions. Is he into choosing his own clothes could the 2 of you shop together? I'm a firm believer in teaching children the value of money as soon as possible and by taking him shopping he can learn how to make choices on a budget. Then allow him the freedom to choose his outfits from within those capsules? x

suzanne

I'm so sorry to but in without contributing anything, but I find this very intriguing. In South Africa 99% of schools (except international schools) wear some type of uniforms. Don't American schools have some sort of dressing code guidelines or does this differ from school to school or are the children really allowed to wear whatever they want? [Even the international civvies wearing schools here usually have some sort of guideline, e.g. hem lengths/no jeans] This is SO interesting! Well, in any case: good for you!

Isis

Veteran

I totally agree with what Steph said. It is just as important for a kid to realize what the social norms are, and adjust appropriately. It is really important for kids to feel like they fit in.

And I want to add one more thing: choose your battles. Clothing choice was something I let my kids have almost complete freedom in. I focussed on rules about homework, politeness, table manners and other things. Clothing rules were very loose, centered around no violence or advertizing images. My son wears casual jeans, shorts and t-shirts (now a high schooler), my daughter wears jeans, shorts and t-shirts as well. My daughter loves dresses as well. They both lead very active lives and got quite dirty when they were little (a good thing....)

I would save your clothing rules for church, plays, social occasions. Fitting in with social peers is difficult as it is, and is itself an important lesson.

wilson

I really enjoy hearing all your thoughts you guys. His public school district has very little dress restrictions (closed toe shoes only and no profane graphics, must be fully dressed).

He doesn't wear tees to recitals and weddings and such events. But those times are so few and far between. It doesn't seem enough to get him in the habit.

crwilson

Veteran

If your son is comfortable with it, I don't think it's a problem. Also, you wouldn't have to establish it as "rules" as much as here are the clothes you can choose from for school, and all of those clothes could meet your requirements.

All that said, he is only 6, and he has a lot of time to learn how to dress appropriately for more formal situations. Also, if he's at all like my daughter, who is younger (4), he'll still be getting pretty messy at school. M comes home most days covered in paint (she's at a Montessori school and gravitates to the art works), dirt, and grass stains.

It's interesting to think about all the different possible approaches to this issue, and there are merits to each approach. I've let my girls pick out their own clothes as soon as they've been able to do so. This means that my oldest daughter gets to wear graphic tees because she absolutely loves them. She wears a lot of sparkles and glitter too. The only time she wears dresses is when she can wear leggings underneath and then they're not dresses, they're "long shirts." These aren't the choices I would make for her, but it's her body, and as long as she's clean and the clothes are facing the right direction (at least in the morning when she leaves), I'm more or less fine with it.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

This is an interesting thread.

Suzanne, we wore uniforms too, which made things very easy. In the US 99% of the kids don't wear a uniform so to speak (although jeans, tee, hoodie, sneakers and backpack comes to mind!!)

I have no wisdom to add. Just chimed in for Suzanne.

Isis

Veteran

I just saw your other post with your son. I LOVE the idea that he picks out his own clothes! Keep doing that! My son in preschool wore pink pants! (impossible to find for boys; he wore his cousin's castoffs every day they were clean). He stopped once he was in kindergarden, figured out it wasn't the social norm.

Your son looks adorable!

wilson

I think its adorable too Isis, I love what he picks out and wouldn't change that part. It would just have to meet a few criteria but still his choice.

suzanne

Thanks, Angie! Now I know. Apparently pressure from South African parents is the only reason why we haven't gone over to civvies - they believe it's still less expensive to "invest" in school uniforms. Still. I actually enjoyed wearing a uniform - great equalizer – doesn’t flatter even the best of figures

Queen Mum

Veteran

Suzanne... no, very few public schools have uniforms, and the extent of the dress code is usually 'no gang colors" me... "so they want you go come naked?" LOL- actually at my kids schools it's that they can't wear more than one item of red or blue at a time.

Wilson... I'm sitting here flip flopping my opinion on this. 10 years ago I'd have joined you in the dress code enforcement parade... hindsight makes me wonder if it would have really accomplished anything.

My boys are 19, 17, 15, and 14. True, when I still had more power, I could have enforced a dress code... merely by only buying stuff I wanted them to wear. But very slowly and without realizing it's happening, I've had to eat many "My kids will never... " statements. Don't get me wrong... my boys (as far as I know) have been good kids. We've had the normal battles, but we've been very fortunate to not have had any major problems with them. As I look back, what they have worn over the years is really trivial. They actually didn't attend school at the elementary ages, so I can't really comment there, but there have been many Sundays at church when I've been embarrassed to claim them as mine. They have been through the ratty tee shirt stage, long hair stage, baggy pants stage, shoes that looked like they dug them out of the dumpster stage..... I'm sure there were years when they didn't OWN anything with a collar. I distinctly remember about 5 years ago one Christmas Eve I sent them to Kohl's with my ATM card and instructions to buy themselves a new shirt WITH A COLLAR to wear to church for Christmas Eve. They complied, but sat in church with their hoodies zipped all the way up the whole time. I'm sure they never wore the shirts again...I should have spent that money on new shoes for myself... LOL
I think after that the only times we really put our feet down were for weddings , funerals or family photos.

This story does have a happy ending though. They have each found their own style and most of the time look presentable if not nice They often wear collared shirts and seem to take pride in dressing smartly at times. #2 and #3 have even been known to wear ties to school.
Not too long ago, my two oldest had to attend a funeral. I didn't say a word about what they should wear... and they both emerged from their room in dress pants, dress shirts and ties. In fact #2 was wearing a full suit.

I'm sorry to be rambling.... and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but as I look back, I think a dress code might have worked for a very short time. They form their wardrobe preferences VERY EARLY and will battle to the death if you try to get them to wear something they don't want to. (probably ages 9-14 are the worst) I really don't see that setting a "collared shirt standard" is really going to accomplish what you're attempting. If you have a compliant child, he will wear the shirt and not complain, but if you have an independent child he is going to push the limits as far as he can.. and how is stitching a collar on a tee shirt really being any more presentable than a normal tee shirt? While I think it's an ingenious idea, it is still not really dressing appropriately for the occasion ... which is your ultimate goal. I'm not criticizing you at all.. I'm just looking back over my experiences with my kids. They will put sooo much energy into doing whatever they can do to look like they are complying, but really getting their own way... so that is just encouraging them to be even more rebellious I think.

okay... I'll shut up now

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

My kids are 3 and 5. I let them pick their clothes every day. The key for me is getting rid of the clothes that I don't like or that aren't seasonally appropriate. Anything they have access to has to be in perfect pristine condition, that way no matter what they choose, they look clean, neat and well groomed. They haven't had a bad day yet.

Today is Fancy Friday, my son picked out his favorite dark wash jeans and a light blue button down shirt. My daughter was already dressed in a floral romper when I woke up. Maybe it's not as dressy as the rest of the kids, but she looks pretty, neat and clean, and she was so proud that she got dressed herself.

suzanne

Oh, my goodness! QM, I would have paid good money to be a fly against the wall on that Christmas Eve. Big smile. (It's so nice to have so many boys in a family - as one of only 2 girls I was stunned when I dated the youngest of 5 brothers, they had such camaraderie and love for each other, but expressed in the most bizarre ways - such fun!)

wilson

Not rambling at all Queen Mum! This is exactly what I'm searching out: would it be a futile attempt? I hope you visit this again because I am really curious if they had any criteria they had to abide by that was imposed by you.

mrgn

I went to school in Florida, which had a dress code similar to this (there's a few exceptions, like we actually could lose short privileges if we misbehaved): http://www.tulsaschools.org/sc.....scode.shtm

Also, our pants, skirts, shorts all had to reach our fingertips with our hands put on our sides. Most dress codes I've seen are surprisingly loose compared to my schooling. The kids at school in most Hollywood movies would have all been sent home for dress code violations if they attended my school district.

But my ex-school district has mandatory uniforms now: http://www.osceola.k12.fl.us/R.....iforms.asp

Tessera

Might as well throw my two cents in - I have two sons, ages almost 9, and 11. Part of my job as a parent is to teach them situation appropriate dressing, along with table manners and how to keep a home. We have always had a dress code and it's never been a problem. When they were in private school, they wore slacks and polo shirts to school and church. Now that they're in a homeschool/charter school situation, they can wear polos or nice tee shirts (meaning with some sort of pattern, usually stripes, but no logos or pictures), and dark wash jeans that are in good shape. (Slacks just don't hold up well to recess.) Hair style is free choice but clean and groomed. They don't have any problems fitting in with peers. In my experience, children are aware that different parents have different rules and they accept this like they accept the weather - with a shrug. My sons know they need to dress one way for "work" (school) and church, another way for sports, and another way for casual playtime, just as my husband and I do.

P.S. My 11 year old loves purple. It's hard to find purple clothes for boys!

Queen Mum

Veteran

hmm, I'm trying to remember.....
Like I said, they didn't attend school at the elementary ages, but I think I gave up the wardrobe fight pretty early It just got too tiring to always battle. They HATED wearing collars and wouldn't have been caught dead in anything other than jeans. But, I'm sure nobody ever attended a wedding in a tee shirt. For weddings I would say "collared shirt and no holes in your jeans."
Actually, the fact that most of the time I didn't say much probably helped on the rare occasion that I did intervene. As a parent, you certainly do need to set some standards, Yes, school is their work, but it is their social world as well. They want to fit in with their peers.
I would think a more appropriate school dress code would be no dirt, no holes in your clothes, no bed wear and no offensive or scary tee shirts. I'm just not seeing a correlation between a collared shirt for a 6 year old and getting into an Ivy League school (but what do I know... none of mine are in an Ivy league school.. I guess I just disproved my point

I don't want to give the impression that I'm a loosey goosey permissive parent either. We have always expected obedience and respectfulness. We were very strict about what they watched on TV, movies, language, curfew, chores, etc... I tried to be strict about food too, but lost that battle....

So in summary, I would venture to say that imposing a school dress code as you are describing could be a futile attempt. You do want your son to be comfortable and be able to express himself in his clothing choices... and if he is the only kid in the school wearing a collar, he's going to feel really out of place.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I'm not a mom but my instinct says, no, this isn't a battle worth fighting. Like QM's kids, I was not told directly what to wear, but our household was not permissive either. Dinner was always at 7:30 sharp, heck for a few years we had no TV because my brother did something stupid and so I got the shaft in the punishment as well . . . but I digress. There were definitely rules but not with our clothing - as long as it was in decent shape and we weren't exposed. Now, I know they weren't happy the year or two I painted my fingernails black and wore supertight parachute pants with concert tee's. But I wasn't forbidden to do it. And I grew out of it. All my friends were doing it, so I did, too. And then one day I didn't want to anymore. I was in the gifted classes and still did my work and what I wore didn't make the difference in my education.
So in my experience, being able to navigate the world of school and dressing appropriately was something I learned on my own, given the space and opportunity to do so.

Sarah

I want you to take my opinion with a grain of salt because I have no children, but I am a Kindergarten teacher.

In my opinion, every kid in my class comes to school to learn, it's not a fashion show. That being said, I come to school every day dressed as a professional because not every child that walks into my room will have experience with a professional job in their lives and it is my job to give them exposure to appropriate business attire even though they are only in Kindergarten. I work in a lower income, rural school district where most of the students' parents work blue collar jobs. I grew up in a blue collar family so I definitely do not see this as a problem, but I was also exposed to appropriate business attire and the hidden rules of the middle class (I'm actually taking a class on this right now). It is important to teach your child appropriate dress and the formal register of speaking, but you don't want the other kids to ostracize him.

This seems like a jumble, but here is the point I am going to make, in Kindergarten and 1st grade I have heard very little talk about what other kids are wearing, the other kids simply don't seem to care until they have hit 2nd grade and higher. I would say instill this in your son now, but if he has any reservations about what he wears, allow him to talk about it with you. He's going to know if the other kids are teasing him, hopefully you guys have a relationship that allows for that type of discussion. I got teased a lot in school for being a chubby girl who was primarily dressed by her grandmother (and not fashionably. ) and I know how traumatic that can be. Maybe you guys could work together to choose outfits the night before that fit both of your needs!

Queen Mum

Veteran

I don't want to leave you with the impression that I'm advocating a dressing free for all for your family. I'm just not sure that creating a dress code such as ... collar and slacks... conveys the spirit of the rule. While they are young, yes, certainly demand that they wear clean presentable clothing to school... that is what you are trying to instill in them more than the fact that clothing needs to have certain random features such as cuffs, collars or beltloops. It has also been my experience that once they hit a certain age, they will fight your dressing standards to the death. That is when it might be time to let it go.

I am reminded of a post from JennyK from a while back when her boss decided that denim would no longer be allowed on casual Fridays. She confronted her boss with the fact that her premium denim jeans were much more professional looking than some of the other women's elastic waist polyester pants that were 3 inches too short, but yet, under the dress code, that was allowed.

AJ

Veteran

I think just conversing with him frequently when you see examples as you go about your day on what looks appropriate for the occasion, will be more helpful than a dress code. Then you can furthur emphasized what you talked about when it comes time to buying the clothing and/or planning what to wear for a specific event.

Maybe while he is still young, you can sit with him the night before so he can show you what he has planned to wear the next day or plan for the week. That would be a good time to discuss why you think an item is/is not appropriate. (I also think it's good to give kudos for the right choices as well.) Make it fun as well as informative.

Hopefully starting this feedback session will continue and as he gets older, he'll want to ask you for your opinion on what he should wear for the more important events.

Jonesy

Veteran

I 1000% support Queen Mum's thoughts on this. I have two kids (a son who's almost 13 and a daughter who's 9) and I teach child development and have worked for lots of years with kids and families. I think you want to strike a balance between being overly permissive (not good!) and overly restrictive/controlling (also not good!). Some kids need a bit more restrictions, some need a bit more permissiveness, but there is a middle range that works pretty well for just about most kids. Empirical evidence does support the idea that the most positive outcomes for kids are associated with parenting that is authoritative (some structure but lots of warmth and support, and a democratic decision-making style that adapts as the child develops over time) vs. permissive or authoritarian (controlling, cold, harsh).

QM is absolutely right about how some children will be compliant and passive, especially when they are younger, but that tends to go out the window as they age. Personally I think children who are over-controlled by their well-meaning-but-too-controlling parents are being done a disservice, as are children who are allowed to do whatever they want.

For example, we have relatives with an only child. She has had some mild food allergies that are mostly resolved, but now they are super-anxious and super-controlling about her food (she's 8). She is not allowed to have sugar, soft drinks, candy (including at Halloween!), birthday cake, etc. We were all traveling together last summer on a car trip, and we stopped at a gas station to get something to drink. The child's mom raced inside to intervene with my SO, worried that he was purchasing her a soft drink. She is a very anxious and compliant child, but I can see that there will come a day when she rebels and wants a candy bar or a piece of birthday cake at a birthday party :). My point is that I see controlling behavior as about the parent's issues more than about what's best for the kid, typically.

OTOH, my brother is an overly permissive parent. His daughter has essentially set her own bedtime, has free access to multiple tech devices at all times, etc. etc. She seems sort of lost, like she is craving structure and guidance. This over-permissiveness can be especially risky for adolescents--it can facilitate their getting into risky situations that they can't handle and shouldn't have to handle. This is a sub-optimal parenting strategy too!

So, from my perspective, I'm not sure your plan is the best one, especially as he gets older. I like the idea of establishing basic guidelines, but then offering freedom within those. The guidelines have to take his social context into consideration (his school, his peers) in order to be respectful toward him, IMHO. Also, I think that framing the issue as being about his competitiveness in the world marketplace as an adult strikes me as veering into "cart before horse" land.

I am being quite direct, so I hope it doesn't rub you the wrong way.

ETA: You were wondering about what specific criteria some of us use. Here are mine for my kids' clothes for school: No sweatpants, track pants, or lounge pants; no short shorts (must have a several-inch inseam); nothing explicitly military (e.g., no camo); nothing with anything offensive written on it (including stuff like "princess"); nothing sexualizing or adultifying for my daughter (e.g., no halter tops, high heels, midriff-baring tops, tight miniskirts, nothing too blingy); no leggings without long tops that cover the rear end; no "sagging" for my son (i.e., wearing pants or shorts deliberately low so they show the boxer shorts underneath). I think that about covers it! It's certainly possible that some of these will be up for renegotiation as they get older, but these are the current rules.

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