I haven't had time to read all the other posts, but when I do, I'm looking forward to going through them. This is an interesting thread.

Here's my two cents. I love (most) school uniforms, and I think kids look adorable in them. I see how it eliminates (or helps minimize) one variable when it comes to the many things a child has to think about when it comes to school and socializing.

But -- and it's a big "but" -- I absolutely would not enforce a dress code for a child who is attending public school. That's not to say that I think it's OK for kids to go to school in their scrubs (or, when they're older, ridiculously revealing clothes). They need to look presentable. But why why why would you want to make clothing a battleground? Because at some point, your son is going to notice that he's the only kid wearing collared shirts, and it's going to become an issue, UNLESS all the other kids are wearing collared shirts. Kids care a lot about what they wear, and what others wear. They NOTICE and they RANK each other, and one of the criteria they use is dress. (That's part of why school uniforms can be handy).

I say this because I was the kid who was forced to wear dorky clothes that my mom liked, and it didn't matter much in the primary grades, but by grade six, I and the other kids were aware that my clothes were different. This was not a good thing. The clothes I wore were not ugly by any means; in fact, in retrospect, they were cute. But it wasn't what all the other kids were wearing, and I was WELL AWARE of that. And so was everyone else. It made me very, very unhappy. I might as well have had a "kick me" sign on my back by grade seven, when all the other girls were wearing their jeans and cool Flashdance sweatshirts with the neck hole cut out, and I was still wearing collared shirts and corduroy skirts with knee socks. And apparently, I still haven't gotten over it, because I still feel angry when I think about it!

Now, if your child chooses to dress in a "different" way, and he's happy with that, and he's not getting harrassed by the other kids, it's fine. By high school, lots of kids choose to make themselves stand out by wearing something completely different from what the other kids are wearing. It's a statement. But it's got to be the kid's choice to do that, not the parent's.

I feel very strongly about this.

What a fascinating thread. My son has very little opinion on what he wears as long as it's comfortable. He refuses to wear jeans (too constricting and stiff), turtlenecks, or button-down shirts. Frankly, I have little interest in arguing. My rule is "nothing torn or dirty" for school, and that's about it. I also don't let him wear t-shirts with anything obnoxious or violent printed on them.Oh, and I make him wear Indian tunics on picture day. Here's first day of school last year.

My husband feels more strongly about proper dress than I do, so we've compromised on these Old Navy athletic pants that are a step up from sweats, but still have a comfy waistband. Our battles tend to be over wearing shorts when it's snowing or other practical concerns.

I completely agree with QM and Jonesy on this subject. I do try to set an example by how we dress and talking to him about respectfulness. And if we have a "real" event, I clean him up a little. But otherwise, I let him have his freedom and set restrictions in other parts of his life (diet, behavior, schoolwork).

Just to add, there is an adorable little girl in my son's class who is a total tomboy. Her dad is in the military and both her mom and older sister are very girly-girl dressers. Still, her parents allow her to come to school in traditional boy clothes (button-downs, boy jeans, baseball caps - she wore a tie in her school photo), and all the kids are fine with it right now. In fact, my son loves her because she roughhouses with the boys at recess. I absolutely admire them for allowing her to be herself.

Hi I’m new here.
I have a 19 year old son and thinking back we did have a dress code for school but I actually never really thought about imposing one. It just happened when we went clothes shopping for the upcoming year. After school and weekend wear tended to take a lot more abuse than school wear and that was my reasoning back then. At one point he started wearing his after school/weekend pants to school because they were so comfy. They happened to be a pant from a popular mountain climbing gear store here and looked better than sweatpants which most of the kids wore and could go through a war and not rip or get worn away. I had just picked them for weekend wear as they were pretty much indestructible...
He was in grade eleven or twelve when one of the girls told him she was going to take him clothes shopping for some designer jeans. Are you nuts he replied, I can get blah blah blah sporting equipment for the price you want me to spend on a pair of jeans...
Our city is conservative and super athletic so I think that has probably made it easier as it fits my son’s personality too.
Thank you so much for the wonderful memories and my suggestion would be not to jump ahead too quickly. Get a few things for him to begin school and find out if he’s comfortable and happy in them before buying a whole wardrobe or making a new family rule. Whatever you decide will be your best try to equip your son for years ahead and nobody can ask for more than that. Good luck and enjoy each other!

Jonesy, your food story made me laugh and cringe. I just took my sister's 6 year old on vacation with us, and my sister sent me a long e-mail about making him eat broccoli, not giving him sugar, blah blah - not because of any health or allergies, just out of being a control freak. Plus he's vegetarian and she wants him to eat only certain brands of veggie burgers, and he is super-picky on top and hates eating (can't imagine why!).

I am all about healthy eating for kids, and my son eats only wheat bread and lots of fruits and veggies, but honestly? On vacation? Where they may not have Morningstar Farm fauxsage at the local grocery store? I wrote back and said of course I would do what she said, and then I went ahead and let him eat whatever my son was eating (except meat) and he did just fine - in fact he tried new foods and his eating habits improved from not having someone hover over him.

I so agree with everything you've said!

I like AJ's suggestion: two capsules, Mom chooses what's in them, DS chooses what goes on from them.

I suspect, Paige, that he'll get some of his ideas about the importance of dressing appropriately from watching Mom. And since it's important to you, I'm sure you're setting a good example.

Yes, the food stuff is wild! We also eat very healthily (lots of whole grains, mostly vegetarian, no mammals, lots of fruit and veggies and yogurt) but we are not opposed to the occasional Pringle or Cheeto or Breyer's coffee ice cream :). Most things in moderation! Throw in some exercise and you are good to go! I think if you are too restrictive, your child will have a tendency to develop some weird ideas/feelings about food. For example, a friend of mine was restricted from all sugar growing up. They would have plain yogurt for dessert. As a result, she started hoarding those tubs of ready-made chocolate frosting in her underwear drawer, once she was old enough to have an allowance and make it to the grocery store. I think she still has all sorts of mixed-up feelings related to sugar, guilt, what's forbidden, etc. etc.

Interesting thread! My two cents: if the goal is to teach him to dress appropriately for a given situation, then it seems to me that jeans and t-shirts ARE appropriate dress for school, as long as they're clean and not too worn, faded or torn. And I tend to agree that imposing a dress code may work for a while, but he will probably rebel against it at some point in time.

My kids attend/attended a school requiring uniforms through 8th grade, then a public high school with a very loose dress code. The uniforms sure make dressing easy! But my kids do dress appropriately even when they're choosing the clothes.

I think the most important way children learn is by example, and it sounds as if you're setting a great one. I don't think you need to impose any strict rules in order to teach him this skill.

Wow, thank you everyone for sharing! It seems like I am hearing that a dress code like the one I am kicking around seems overly strict but that most people have dress codes that they do uphold within their families. Collared shirts seem to hit a button with a lot of people. I am thinking that my idea of a collared shirt and what it brings to mind for others might be different. The ones I am thinking of are seen on all sorts of playgrounds and parks every day and don't evoke strangeness in the slightest.

My parenting instincts really do tug in the direction of a dress code at school; I am not comfortable in my parenting skin with okaying an anything goes attitude towards dress at school. It intuitively does not seem appropriate. Its so good to hear feedback so I can refine these boundaries before drawing them out for my son.

I have a dress code for my daughters...which I have never actually verbalized, it's just done through example. I wear only dresses and skirts to church, for example, never jeans, or anything overly casual. My daughters have always been dressed that way and now instinctively pick out dresses themselves when they are getting ready for church.

At a recent kindergarten event, my eldest picked out her own outfit - her best summer dress (with the fullest skirt) and instructed me to wear a dress as well. So our dressing up for church (out of respect for the occasion as well as out of respect for our fellow church-goers) has carried over into other areas in our life to which we attach importance.

I have noticed this on many other occasions as well...if we are expecting a guest (grand parents, for example), my eldest wants to dress nicely, get her hair braided, etc.

I have to say, if there's one rule that I would enforce, it would be a neat and tidy appearance. Nothing torn, stained, no dirty faces, wild hair... I like the idea of stepping it up a notch if they have a presentation at school...even just subtly.

One thing that comes to mind for me is how terribly hot collared shirts can be, especially for a active child at recess or if the building lacks air conditioning....please consider that.

I'm on the 'not worth the energy' camp.

I think it's best to lead by example, take pride in your appearance (which I'm sure you do!) and only have clothes available that are neat and acceptable (perhaps some 'painting/craft clothes would be good to keep but to be clear that those are only for crafts etc.). If you only buy clothes you are happy for him to wear, he will feel independent choosing for himself and you will be fine with whatever he wants to wear.

I think things like encouraging him to clean his shoes and check that his clothes are neat will instill a sense of pride in his apparence and praise when you particularly like his choices will reinforce the behaviours you want to continue.

So interesting!

My DS just turned 7 and my DD just turned 5. We're in the UK so they wear uniforms to school, so that's easy. Our similar situation is in going to church and I've been trying to avoid too strict a dress code for DS (DD is happy enough to dress up at the drop of a hat!) for various reasons.

I can enforce certain standards (with various amounts of grumbling). More important, though, are the conversations we have about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate and why, and the drip feed of that at relaxed moments (ie not when we're getting ready to go to church...) is very effective. It's a heart-warming moment when I send him to get dressed for a smart occasion and he comes back dressed in exactly what I would have picked.

I have had similar success with drip feeding DD who until recently was a hard-core pattern mismatcher. When we introduced the 'one pattern at a time allows you to enjoy that pattern' guideline life improved immeasurably! Again, it's lovely when they do that themselves - DD picks out her own clothes and makes much better choices these days.

Look forward to hearing what you decide to do!

Interesting thread. I never really sat down and tought about it but I guess I impose some standards for my dd(she's 3), mostly by example.
Sometimes when we have time for it we even decide together what mommy is going to wear.
It was very interesting to read all the comments.Thank you.

Thunalata, I love your term "drip feed" in terms of parenting! And Celia, involving your children in the decision of what YOU are going to wear for an occasion is super smart.

Hi wilson.
Newbie here. I've been thinking about this post a lot. I went to four different school systems growing up. Some with specific dress codes, some without. I actually preferred the ones with dress code, because it seemed to promote less clique formation. The dress code for boys at the schools that had one was nonetheless somewhat less restrictive than what you suggested. Mainly the bullet points for boys were the following:
*shirts must have some sort of sleeve: no tanks/muscle shirts
*no see-through shirts, mesh sports jerseys must have a shirt under them
*no advertising for products or brands or offensive pictures; sports teams and activities memorabilia is okay
*no shorts shorter than two inches above the kneecap
*no ragged hemlines, holes, rips etc. in pants
*no baseball caps or other non-religious hats indoors
*pants must fit properly: no tight or sagging pants
*no large, spiky, or clanging jewelry

This set of rules to me seems to me to be sufficient to make a child think about dressing appropriately for an occasion, without making him stand out as a nerd.

Also, I don't know the economic status of people at your child's school, but you should realize that some parents dress their kids in sweats because they can't afford separate school wear, play wear and pajamas, and the sweats cover all those bases. Consider yourself lucky that that isn't your situation.

The other thing I would say, is that I always had at least 50% hand-me-downs growing up. Actually I wore about half hand-me-downs until I was about 25 and had completely paid off my college student loans. And there is some value in just letting kids accepting that they get what the parents can afford and that is that....

On the idea that uniforms reduce the ranking/judging that kids do:

This doesn't ring true to me at all. It's human nature to rank and judge others, and by eliminating clothing, you only move the ranking elsewhere. In my female cousin's uniformed school, the haircut and hair accessories wers huge; it was such a BIG DEAL that I was terrified of buying her accessories. When I was growing up, the plastic bag you used to ferry your gym clothing made a difference. No, I'm not kidding; I still remember desperately wishing for a Gap bag to replace my Safeway one ...

@Charmian.... I'm not sure if you were responding to me or to me and a number of other folks, with regards to the idea that uniforms "reduce the ranking/judging people do."

Certainly, that was not what I was getting at. I mentioned "reducing clique formation." So, my experience was that things were different and improved in schools where kids aren't allowed to be as expressive with regards to showing membership to a certain type of style: say those that dressed like punk rockers versus those that imitated hair metal bands (ah the eighties). In schools that were a little more restrictive with regards to dress, one couldn't immediately judge someone by what kind of clothes they wore, so one had to actually get to know them a bit, and ask them questions about their tastes and interests, in order to form an opinion. That meant more kids took time to get to know other kids, hence fewer cliques and more social fluidity.

For example, in a school with a strict dress code, I was friends with child prodigies, many "cool kids" and some kids living in trailer parks who frightened the teachers a bit. In schools that I attended which had no dress standards, the lines between cliques were much sharper, and it was difficult to approach "the goths" or "the jocks" or whatever, if you didn't dress just like them... so you had to preemptively decide what kind of person to be friends with by picking a dress style, before actually getting to know people who wore that style, which I found disconcerting. Eventually I ended up part of what I think was the only multi-cultural clique in that school.

As far as it being human nature to be judging, I think maybe you are conflating being "judging" with being "lookist." Being "lookist" is a modern cultural phenomena fueled by advertising, consumerism, etc.... Previous to this century, people were judged more based on what they could contribute and by their natural physical appearance (indicating health and vigor) not by what items they possessed. I can get into sources for this assertion, if you care....

@3style -- sorry for the delayed response, I was out of town. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to my (dashed off) comment. I was referring to the thread as a whole, and hope I didn't come off as singling out a specific comment.

I would absolutely LOVE to read some of the work that you reference. I went to a public school and felt very very judged by my appearance (this is in the 1980s/90s). In talking to some of my younger cousins (who went to schools that required uniforms) I found that they'd had similar experiences as well. Because of the time spans and distances involved, I assumed that our shared experiences were universal truths. Now I'm really curious to find out more!

Great ideas already. I have a 3.5 year old going to Montessori school. So far it is easy to set up a dress code. He has PE on Tuesdays so he wears a t-shirt on those days. The rest of the time, I dress him in something like a polo shirt or woven shirt with rolled up sleeves. In cold winter days, we have a few v-neck argyle sweaters that add warmth. I will try to keep this dress code up for as long as I can, but I'm sure it will get harder as he gets older.