I wanna go out but I wanna stay home - YouLookFab Forum

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I wanna go out but I wanna stay home

Janet

(website)

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Subject line courtesy of Courtney Barnett, one of my favorite new artists of the past few years:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZOGlFdReMM

As an introvert by nature, I struggle with this all the time. Last night I really *should* have attended an arts function, but I've been feeling a bit in retreat mode lately, so I ended up staying home and finishing my Netflix binge of Bloodline. (I felt in a way like I had maxed out my social time a couple of nights ago at a big outdoor concert, but usually I'm up for some social life after a day spent alone. Not so much yesterday)

I never regret making the effort to go out, but it's always such a struggle to convince myself to put on makeup, find the right outfit for the occasion (and my mood), and drive the half hour or 45 minutes to go into town for an event. I can talk myself out of it way too easily.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this. After all, Courtney wrote a song about it. Are you an introvert? How do you get yourself out when you're feeling ambivalent? Or do you?

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Latest reply was from jenanded

Runcarla

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Introvert, but on the cusp. , I hate going out, but once I'm in a group situation, I do okay. I do a lot to avoid group situations, though. The commute on the train and walking through crowds in the Big City is enough exposure for me!

I usually go to activities at DH's instigation. He's on the cusp, too, but tips to extroversion.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm very similar, Carla, although I suspect I'm not quite as cusp. I'm more like a natural introvert who has trained herself to function well in situations that I find draining, as long as I can retreat and recover afterward. My husband is also more on the cusp leaning toward extroversion. He's a big, energetic personality (as his whole family is), so sometimes I actually need recovery time after just spending time with family! But my family growing up was quite small and fairly quiet people. We never had big, bustling family gatherings, and my mom was agoraphobic -- avoided big crowds and unfamiliar places at all costs.

JAileen

Veteran

I also dread going out. Yet I signed up to go to Seattle. Strange, huh? In theory and in the future, events, get togethers, etc. sound great. Then as it gets closer I get less enthused. I usually have a great time, so I'm not sure why this is. Friday night I should have gone to a concert, and today I should go to a play and reception following. (We go to community theater, and one of the actors we have seen many times wrote a play, and it is going to at the Fringe Festival in NYC this summer. It's actually very exciting for him. We've seen the play and it's really good.)

Anonymous

Oh, I cant tell you the amount of times I've had to force myself to go out. There are times when I could easily stay home all the while and never go out. I love my own company...but I also love to get dolled up and go out too...weird!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

JAileen, I know exactly what you mean. I have a little bit of anxiety before something like a big YLF meetup, but it dissipates quickly once I'm there and actually interacting with people. And I never regret going out! It's just *getting* myself out. I'll buy tickets for a concert, all excited to see a band I like, and then the day of, I actually have to drag myself out and steel myself for dealing with the crowd.

rachylou

Veteran

I did one of those super-scientific (not!) online tests and came out exactly in the middle. I find I have to live totally in one mode or the other. I can't do introvert one day and extrovert the next.

Any-ways, I can't say I go out like I used to. Something has changed and I don't feel it's really me. Well, maybe it's a little me. I'm not good at passive entertainment anymore - movies, theater, music. Not even tv. I have to force myself to sit and stay. But the quality of restaurants has plummeted - this the epicenter of the foodie revolution where I live. And my mom came home early from a play this week, that bad. And the effort to get anywhere has quadrupled - so much traffic etc. AND I find the new energy-saving streetlights energy saving in all ways. Night time is a little depressed. The new lights have a way of being blinding while leaving everything dark...jus'saying.

I also find while I love my own company, I'm compelled to leave my house every day. Get out of my own little world. I just don't want to converse with anybody, lol. That is the real hard part.

...so um yeah, I pretty much don't. Lol! Btw, extrovert's secret - extroverts don't really say anything either. They just do it loudly. Whoop and squawk a lot.

Anonymous

I'm 99% introvert, and would do quite well on a desert island, since I hate crowds or large groups, and noise. My SO is more extroverted, as are most other people I know. I have to drag myself by the ear out of my cozy nest, because I know it's good for me and I get to dress up and show off my latest finds, but usually I can't wait to get back home to my books, music, garden, and animals. I live in a very vibrant city, and once in awhile I get a case of FOMO, but it usually passes pretty quickly. The one exception to my homebody tendency is going on extended trips abroad. I enjoy every minute and never get homesick (except for missing pets). Once I'm home, though, I'm back in my cocoon mode! OMG, I'm so boring!

ETA: Bloodline is definitely worth staying in for! Just finished my Season 2 binge-a-thon!

Diana

Veteran

This is how I feel about every single social event with more than 4 or 5 other people. I always have a little feeling of anxiety before these things although I think often anticipation is the worst part. depending on the event I do often enjoy it when I am actually there (YLF meetups def fall into this category!).

It helps to go with my husband as he is the type who talks to everybody and is a real social butterfly. He claims to be a bit of an introvert but I think for him it's less overt shyness/awkwardness than needing some alone time later to balance things out.

deb

Veteran

I have learned to force myself to go out because if I don't I have tendency to burrow down and seem to just go deeper. I am actually more social now that I am apartment living because I need to take Arlo out and he brings comments from everywhere.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

According to Myers-Briggs, I took it eons ago. I'm 50-50 on the introvert-extrovert.
I do ok in small groups. Big parties I feel like a dope.
I have to go out, otherwise I sit at home and fall into bad habits. Plus if I don't get out I WILL be alone.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to expand my circle.

marianna

Veteran

Major introvert... the pic below basically sums it up for me.

I prefer to be at home but like the option of going out sometimes. I much prefer small groups where I know people. I feel very awkward in large groups and don't know how to interact. Two-three people is my best.

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catgirl

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I am a TOTAL extrovert, although I am also happy alone for days on end. I am fascinated at how many are introverts here! What is the proportion generally, I wonder?

bj1111

Veteran

marianne,

that is a great cartoon--right on the money for me as well.

Anonymous

I'm an outgoing introvert. I'm not scared of people at all, nor shy, but do I want to be around people? Not really. I find constant chatter excruciating , and can go from having a good time at a gathering to needing to leave NOW in the flash of a second. One thing I do to get around my introversion and to make sure I don't turn into a total hermit is to entertain. We entertain on a large scale a couple of times a year. I love everything about it because it allows me to control my environment and to feel like I'm part of the action without having to constantly talk. I hover in the background being a bartender and food server, and make sure my guests have a great time. Which they do - but I bet you no-one notices they never had a chance to talk to me

At work gatherings I'm good because it's all a show, right? But in a social gathering, I'm ok one-on-one , but fade into the background noise in a restaurant with a group. The one thing I wish I could change is my disinterest in having over-night visitors or staying at someone else's home or cottage overnight . That about kills me and I'm not good at it nor do I enjoy it at all.

I think we've had this conversation before on the forum, and you're right AG - you're in the minority. I know Angie says she's an extrovert...

Sally

Veteran

I'm also an outgoing introvert. I work in an area where most people are extroverted so I am quiet compared to a lot of my colleagues but I'm not shy. I hate parties and just don't do them because I often find it exhausting making small talk and excruciatingly boring unless I have a real connection with someone. I think that is why I can teach 4 classes a day and be fine but hate parties. My son always tells me I talk to strangers too much and if I end up at a gathering Im ok.
I used to live in a small coastal town i NZ and realised that when I was turning down invitations in the weekend to stay in the cottage all weekend to read my book, I needed to get back to the city. Sometimes I worry that I need to get out more but Im getting more accepting of myself as I get older.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Outgoing introvert reporting for duty!

We're a huge majority on the forum and a big minority in real life.

I always have to psyche myself up to go out, even with one person! Two social outings in one week are probably too many, especially if groups are involved. And I consider 6 a "large group." But I'm not at all shy. I just prefer small groups or one-to-one, intimate, "real" conversations, and like Lisa, when I'm ready to leave, I am READY. C'est tout. Finis. That's it.

I recover alone, but socially -- like on YLF!! Or by reading novels or memoirs (another sort of social thing in a way). Or by exercising alone.

A lot of us (me, me!) are INFJs on the Myers Briggs scale as well. Another rarity in real life. Angie's an ENFJ.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

INFP here.

Sally

Veteran

I did that test awhile ago and I'm an INTP. Interesting

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I'm an INTJ and totally an introvert. I definitely have to make myself go out and do social things sometimes. It's always a balancing act; sometimes you're genuinely not up to it and going out will backfire. Sometimes you just need to get through the first five minutes and you'll enjoy yourself.

I used to be a lot shyer and more socially awkward; the social anxiety has dimmed a lot thanks to life experience, learning how to talk to people and realizing that even if things don't go well I won't literally die. It still feels like an effort, though, and tiring that I want to balance with spending time alone.

catherine

Veteran

Absolute introvert here. I have a lot of anxiety anytime I have to go to a social gathering, even with extended family. Terrible at small talk and very shy.
I think most of the time people think I am arrogant or unfriendly.
I did spend a lot of time trying to be different, which was a failure.

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rachylou

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My last take of a free MB, I was an incredibly marginal ENFJ in all areas, lol.

catgirl

Veteran

ENTP here.

Aquamarine

Veteran

Another introvert here. I am perfectly fine in my own company. I have to force myself to go out to social gatherings, but generally do ok when I am there. I have always preferred smaller gatherings. It helps that I am married to an extrovert, so I can sit back and let him do the heavy lifting in a big group

I am just so glad that introversion has finally received recognition ("Quiet") as a normal, albeit less prevalent, personality trait.

Mochi

Veteran

I think it's very natural to find many introverts on an online forum, because we have so much control over our interactions.

I'm an INFP. Moderately introverted. I do love to have real face time with people, as well as spend time alone. I don't like too much of either. I have moderately developed extravert skills (I'm terrible at small talk, though, which supposedly is one sign of introversion).

I'm not sure if it's introversion, also, or just getting older, but I also find I have to fight a lot of resistance around all the bother of going out, when it would be sooooo much more comfortable to stay home and read. I'm probably an inert introvert.

ETA YES about the DONE! Ready to go home now! suddenly happening.

UmmLila (Lisa)

Veteran

INTJ. I love to get dressed up and go out -- but only with my husband, because he is much better at small talk and knows more people in the area. I have to work harder if I am out and about without him.

I find Courtney Barnett a bit depressing but perhaps I have not heard enough different songs from her. I've been watching Season 2 of Bloodline -- I have one more left and that's been my latest craze after the Night Manager.

Diana

Veteran

I am an INFJ, sometimes INTJ. (IIRC, i was around 50/50 F vs T, but something like 90+ I last time I took it). Both of those are apparently quite rare in the general population but seem to be a lot more common on YLF. Imaginary internet friends are a lot easier to deal with in many ways than real life ones, at least in the first, getting-to-know-people stages.

Heh, I just got home from a rather taxing (for me) social event. An awards banquet with a lot of politicians and other members of a community that I am technically a part of but do not really feel like I am (my husband is involved with a related organization). Anyway, I did OK (although he did most of the talking/socializing) but am so happy to be home right now with my imaginary internet friends and my knitting and books.

Anonymous

Another INTJ here. But I didn't know we were rare birds!

catgirl

Veteran

I just read something that made a lot of sense regarding rarity - even if you are only 1% of the population, that's in comparison to 15 other personality types taking up the rest of the pie chart, rather than an otherwise homogenous 99%. Even the largest type appears to be only about 11% of the total. So don't feel quite so alone out there!

anne

Veteran

I'm another social introvert, or about half way between on the tests. I absolutely relate to so much of what has been said - needing to gear yourself up to go out, but enjoying when there, needing time alone or at home to recharge, preferring one to one or small group gatherings to large ones. (though this last is partly because I'm finding it harder to hear people)

My job is not particularly interactive- in fact I'd rather it was a bit more so, but my home life is, as the wife of a church planting pastor. We have people over at our place several evenings a week. I love it, but do relish a night alone. I also feel like all my relational energy (and my limited time) is spent on these relationships, and on my kids and very little is left for me to pursue friendships with people my own age.

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