How much do you care about the reaction of others? - YouLookFab Forum

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How much do you care about the reaction of others?

catgirl

Veteran

In flouncing around today (okay, I never really flounce, but...) in this sequin get-up, I realized that (aside from when I'm at work), I generally care very little about whether the public, or even my spouse, thinks I'm out of my mind. This despite the fact that this is a pretty small town and I am more than likely to see someone I know unexpectedly during the day. I'm enjoying myself way too much to worry about it.

I do, however, require YLF approval now, especially for my more sartorially challenged moments.

I had a moment of doubt when the guys who hang out the windows of the international hostel across from our office yelled down to me, but it turned out they were commenting on Kona. ;-0

You?

General

44 replies

Latest reply was from Cilleena

Aida

Veteran

Also very little I don't really care if People In General don't like the particular outfit I'm wearing, but I do care greatly about what said outfit says about me, the impression it gives (if that makes sense?). Of course it's always a big bonus if people DO like what I'm wearing, and I do care more if others that I view as stylish like my outfits. Too elitist? -_-

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I care more about how I feel among people while wearing something, not necessarily what they may or may not think. Although I can have moments of feeling conspicuous if I'm stepping pretty far out of my comfort zone. At those times I sure I imagine that people are staring and muttering when they probably don't notice any more than usual. I can feel equally conspicuous being over or underdressed by the way. As Aida says, it is always nice if people do like what you are wearing.
As for on the forum, I think we all have our own personal likes and dislikes that may color our opinions, so I take advice with a grain of salt. More often that not, the majority is right, of course

Queen Mum

Veteran

A little care and a little don't care. I don't think I can sit firmly in just one camp.

I don't care that I'm usually more dressed up than most everyone else around me. I don't care that I might try a new combination that others don't quite get.

BUT, I do care that I am perceived in a certain light by those I come in contact with... friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Part of my wardrobe planning includes pondering how I want others to see me. Do I want them to see me as a professional? not really. So, I don't wear suits, pumps, dress pants, and other styles that I tend to associate with office wear. Do I want others to see me as flirtatious? not really.. Therefore I don't wear tight mini skirts or super low cut blouses I want people to see me as a mature, responsible, youthful, confident, fun, approachable woman. So, my clothing choices are usually in line with that persona. So, it is along those lines that I do care what others think.

I know that isn't exactly what you are getting at with your question, but I can't say "I don't give a rip what those around me think" because I do.

catgirl

Veteran

That is a great answer, QM. It is along the lines of what I was asking, or rather the "Why or why not?" behind it. And I'm not sure I'm entirely right about my own answer in that context.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

The only time I seriously question my clothes is when it comes to dates. I definitely tone it down then. Otherwise I could give a rat's patootie.

If this shirt wasn't so stupidly expensive and borderline trashy I'd be all over it
http://www.net-a-porter.com/product/113138

rosee

Veteran

I tend to do my "own thing" but I also do care a bit about how others perceive that -- not enough that I might change what I am doing though. I don't like to look sloppy, frumpy, flirtatious, or too serious. I do want to look appropriate for the occasion but still with a little creativity. I do want to wear complimentary and flattering things so that I don't look bigger or older or even too much younger. I have some pieces which I like a lot but they may be questionable on me, so I try to wear them when I am less worried about what kind of impression I might make on others that particular day.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Well, after this week's confession that I often swap my skirt and heels for jeans and converse before I pick up my kids from school, I guess I have to admit that I must care a little. But I like what I like, and in that respect other people's opinions don't matter much -- for example, I still wear my flared 90s jeans when I feel like it, and I don't care if they look dated.

I think it comes down to this: I fully understand that image counts for more than we'd like, and since it does, I use it. We all know that what you ARE is way more important than what you look like, yet people judge other people all the time based on how they look, because let's face it, that's all most people get to see. The guy at the checkout at Safeway, or the receptionist at the doctor's office, or, since I seem to be fixated on them this week, most of the other parents at the playground -- they have no idea how good-natured or funny or neurotic I am, or what books I like to read, or what my political leanings are, or what topics I find endlessly fascinating, or any of the important stuff that makes me ME. They just see the face I present to the public, and all we exchange are polite nods or a brief conversation that begins with would you like help to the car with your bags, ma'am. So, since any actual verbal exchanges are minimal, my demeanor and clothing end up speaking for me. It's worth paying attention to them, so they say what I want them to say.

Queen Mum suggested that perhaps the reason I change out of my "nice" clothes before picking up the kids is that I don't want to give the impression that I am a lady of leisure, when all the other parents are working their butts off to keep all the balls in the air. That was insightful. I wasn't sure why I was changing, but I think that's a big part of it (since most of the time I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of dropping the balls!). I want to look like I've got my shit together (don't we all?) but I don't want to look like it's all handed to me on a silver platter. Because it's not.

Diana

Veteran

In general, I do not care what others think of my clothes, since I think I am a harsher critic regarding the things I DO care about than anyone I come into contact with. By things I do care about, I mean like whether or not my skirt is too short, not whether or not my style is weird or something.

The one exception is when I get catcalls or other sexually charged comments (generally from men). I respond VERY negatively to that kind of attention. Usually the guy gets a dirty look, but inside I really want to run away and hide and put on a big shapeless sweater or something. I realize that this is at least somewhat irrational, as when I get non-sexual positive comments about the same clothes, I am flattered. (So, if someone says "I love your skirt, where did you get it?" I am flattered, but if someone says "That skirt is great, it makes your ass look so hot" I am totally offended.)

MsMary

Veteran

I care that I have credibility at work. DH is often away from home so when he's here I like to wear things he likes. I really like it when you all like what I'm wearing, but as you know sometimes you (all) and I agree to disagree about some of my more A Lot Going On ensembles. LOL

Beyond that, I don't really much care!

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Funnily enough, now I almost don't care at all! Why? Because I generally feel good about what I wear and because I'll never wear what I don't feel good in. Therefore, what matters most is how I feel, and I generally dress to feel good... does that make sense?

Before, I didn't think about whether I care or not, although if I felt something was not right that would bother me to the point that I'd feel everyone is disapproving, while all the time it was me who was the main disapprover. But, I could not put my finger on what didn't work and - why.

Now, as we've said many times, thanks to Angie's ability to demystify fashion, style and everything clothing related, which my tecchie brain needs (you've guessed it: I love her formulas) I feel I am no longer at war with my wardrobe and feel confident in my choices - or at least attempts.

For me, knowledge of how things work (or having reliable source of information, aka YLF) = more confidence in my choices = less awareness of what others think/say.

Marley

Veteran

I don't think I care all that much - except for the fact that I don't want to dress like everyone else, and so if I end up in an outfit that "fits" in too well with what everyone else is wearing - then I'm not comfortable and am concerned that people think I must not have any imagination at all!
I also LOVE getting compliments about how I am dressed, so I guess that in that respect I really care alot about the reaction of others.
Have I answered the question??

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Just wanted to add that I honestly never thought before about what my clothes 'say' about me. It may sound obtuse, but I've always just figured something looks good on me or not. I mean, I get that tight and short says sexy, etc. but I mean a little deeper as you guys are explaining it. Food for thought.

Beth

Veteran

Like Mary, I care very much about credibility at work. It drove nearly all of my clothing choices in my earlier career years (I was wearing Talbots at the age of 27...oh dear). At this point though, I've come to understand that my inner confidence in what I'm doing and what I have to say carries as much weight as what I look like.

Combine that with the fact that work is my primary fashion outlet, and you see why I'm wearing things like my black lace-up Fryes with pencil skirts, which is pretty outre in an elementary school. I've gotten some interesting comments, but they've all been positive.

I care much less what others think in other settings. Other than you guys:)

Aziraphale

Veteran

Mo, you're not obtuse. Many people don't really think much about what their clothes say about them, although most of them do at least want to look attractive, and are aware of other people who look attractive. But think about the people around you that you see but don't talk to. You automatically make judgments about them -- and I don't mean this in a negative way. The clothing they wear sends obvious signals about what they do, what they like, what they identify with....it's not so different from kids in high school, wearing clothes to "belong" to a group. Only in high school, their efforts are less sophisticated.

Here's an example. Sally from Already Pretty has a blog post listed under her "favourites" that explains how wearing a button-down shirt sends a clear signal of grown-up-ness (d'ya like how I freely make up a word when I can't think of the real one?), if only because it is an article of clothing that is worn so rarely by adolescents. This is true. And how you wear the button down, and where you wear it, says more. Say you see a woman in a casual restaurant on a Friday night wearing a button-down. Is it under a business suit? Is it plaid, and she also has wild eff-the-establishment hair and heavy black eye makeup? Is she wearing it loose and untucked, with a colourful silk scarf around her neck? I think anyone could make a few guesses about what this woman is like, and what type of profession she is in, and they would probably not be off by a mile. (Or maybe not. There are exceptions). You can't see the details, but often you can get a good impression from the clothes.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Great visual, Elisabeth! I own very few button downs, and they each have a little flair in one way or another. Okay, here's a social experiment: me in my white button down. What does this say about me from a stranger's perspective? Go!

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Katja

(website)

My knee jerk reaction to just seeing the thread title was "A lot! I care a lot about the reaction of others!"

But then I started thinking about it, and realized that I honestly don't KNOW the reaction of others. And that's part of my insecurity about how I present myself to the world. Do I look like a fool in what I'm wearing? Does it fit right? Does it convey the message I want it to convey? Is it age and context appropriate? No clue, because apparently I spend my life amongst people who do not comment on others' clothing. So I err on the side of overdressing, especially at work, where I want to be taken seriously.

The closest I've come to getting a clue is taking photos and a) looking at them and b) asking for feedback here.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Haha! I'll answer quickly, cause I've got to start getting the kids to bed. Mind you, you're not a complete stranger, because I've been reading your comments and looking at pictures of you in various outfits for a couple of months now, so that throws this experiment a little. But OK, for argument's sake, suppose you are a complete stranger. Where are you when I see you in this outfit? Is this what you're wearing in the morning on the way to work? Or is this what you're wearing on Saturday, out and about shopping? Or to the pub with your friends on a Friday evening? All that stuff matters. If you see a guy in a suit, say, at the office, it doesn't tell you much about him...but if he's wearing it on a Saturday night, it's a different story.

I probably won't get back to this for a couple of hours, but I'm game, I promise.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Ha! Game on Out to casual dinner with the BF on a Saturday night, late winter, in FL.

EDIT: I should say *ready* to go out for a bite at a casual dinner place but he ended up working late and we never went But I now have an outfit ready for the next time it's under 75 degrees!

taylor

Veteran

I won't deny I care very much what people think, more so about those who matter to me and strangers to a lesser degree...I think that is why a total strangers compliment can make my day .
I do try to look my best for ME mainly...but I care what others think. otherwise I wouldn't bother at all. I want my look to reflect who i am and how I feel about fashion.

Aziraphale

Veteran

OK, quickly....your face and figure tell me you're healthy and fit, so you probably like to exercise and are into some kind of outdoor sport. The fact that you are wearing small, as opposed to big, chunky and funky jewellery supports this. Your clothes tell me you are chic in a casual sort of way. Your smart casual jacket says you care about fashion and presentation, but you're not overly "girly", or you'd be wearing a dress or skirt, and possibly higher heels. Or maybe a gauzier, floatier or frillier blouse with your jeans. Your hair being loose and falling over your shoulders, in a relaxed sort of style, contributes to the impression that your are "sporty feminine" and not "girly feminine". Now, I know you're not a mom of young children, but your tiny waist would be a tip-off if I didn't know this. (Not that moms can't have tiny waists....but they normally have to work damn hard to get them back!). You probably have a relaxed personality, too, and an easy laugh. You are not loud or brash, and you're not particularly attention-seeking, but you're sociable and you have plenty of friends. How am I doing so far?

Perhaps I'll add more later, but my daughter just informed me that our aging dog has peed on the rug again, so gotta go. And get those kids to bed, too!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Bingo Elisabeth - you should do stunts at the fair where you guess all about people

I am very sociable in circles where I know people, and slightly more reserved where I am a stranger. I like to stay active and being outdoors rejuvenates me. I do like a good glass of wine and food with others the best though!

Do I get to do a 'button down' guess on you now??

EDIT: I should add that neither button downs nor any jackets/blazers came into my life until I was 35. I didn't realize there were less 'officey' ways to do those items, and my world is definitely not officey!

Sally

Veteran

I would have said not really at all...but I usually dress quite predictably and wear what I know suits me, so I feel comfortable zone. It was interesting that the other day I wore a vintage trench coat (not a modern one) and it was a different colour than I would normally wear. I went to work and my boss kept looking at it (not saying it was nice ) but her gaze kept going back to it. I felt so uncomfortable that I went and took it off for the rest of the day.....so I suppose I care a lot! But if I now go and parade in front of my friends in this new trench coat, and they say that is really cool....I will be more confident about wearing it next time. Maybe I need to do a WIW and then take it out on the town.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Hehehe I'm not sure that I'm necessarily better than anyone else at making guesses based on appearance. We all give out plenty of clues. Your appearance tells me a little something about your lifestyle and personality, but not necessarily much about what kind of movies you like to watch, say, or your political views, or your appreciation of music.

My point was, we're all tuned into nonverbal messages other people give, whether we are aware of doing it or not, and the clothes we choose to wear to various events play a part in that. The thing that far fewer people do is to actually spend time thinking about the messages their own clothing (and physical demeanor) sends. And if for some reason a person suddenly becomes aware of the messages their clothing sends, they still may not change how they dress -- in fact, they probably won't -- but at least they might keep it in the back of their minds.

I think there is one exception to this. I believe most women are aware of the sexual messages clothes can convey, and they are careful to dress so as not to give the wrong ones. Most women don't want to look slutty on purpose (although I'm not knocking the ones who do. It's a free country).

ETA: sorry, Una, this is getting a bit off topic...I hope I'm not hijacking your thread!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Hey! I just thought of a neat thought experiment -- sort of a reverse one. I'm not a complete stranger to people on this forum, either, but I've never posted a picture of myself. Malina (or anyone else), based on what you know about me, could you take a guess at what I might wear out to a casual dinner with my honey on a Saturday night? Assume it's late spring in the Pacific northwest, so probably the same temperature as midwinter in Florida. I'm 38, white as white can be, short, and I have a youthful figure. Feel free to guess about hair, jewellery, and makeup as well as clothes and shoes.

This is fun! I'm interested to see if we can make assumptions about how someone might dress based on the way they comment on others' outfits.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

I must confess that I care a great deal about how others perceive my looks. I can explain why, and it goes back to Elizabeth's point.
As a member of a visible minority, speicifically one with an obvious disability, I've had to get used to facing stereotypes on a regular basis. The fact that I am now overweight frankly plays into one of the most prevalent stereotypes, i.e. that blind people are either lazy or just generally inactive. Common assumptions state that those people will then put as little effort into their appearance as they do into their health (I'm not making this up, I've met people who think like this). Every day, I dress in a way to try and counter that image. I want to appear polished, not slovenly. I want to look current in order to send the message that I know how to keep pace with the sighted world and interact with it appropriately. I want to look confident, because I don't always feel that way and it's a key message to communicate in both my circumstances and my profession. And I want to look sophisticated and classy because that's my personal preference. These qualities all make it difficult to introduce youthful elements sometimes, but I care about that too. I'm only 30, and I don't want to look older than I already do due to my weight. In short, I turn to my clothes to help restore some balance to my public perception. Since that perception drives my choices, it stands to reason that I'm unusually pleased by complements and surprisingly stung by harsh criticism, particularly from loved ones. YouLookFab has been the best thing to ever happen to my style -- it's only since finding this forum that I've discovered the joys of dressing in a way that makes me feel good first. With your guidance, I can be sure that if it feels right for me, it probably looks that way too.

Aziraphale

Veteran

And you know what, Michelle? You're doing a fantastic job of helping dispel any stereotypes. You look lovely, polished and pulled-together in all the pictures I've seen of you, and I am very impressed, especially given that you are unable to do something that we all rely so heavily on and take for granted. You go, girl.

I have to add that your thoughtfully-worded comments often showcase your intelligence and insight.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

This was an interesting read! I actually think that the people on this forum, who say they care very little, care a lot more than they might expect to care. Otherwise, why would you expend the time and energy that you do here on YLF

Michelle, your comment brings heartfelt happy tears to my eyes. You just rock in EVERY WAY.

*Of course* I care what others think of my outfits - that being said, I totally defy my environmental norm, so how much I really care is a debatable point. I must talk my talk wherever I am - shopping with clients, doing the errand run, working at home or traveling. This is extremely important to me and YLF.

Elisabeth, Sally's perception of button down shirts is completely cultural (no school uniforms). When you grow up in the British schooling system, all kids and adolescents wear button downs for a good 12 years of their life. Food for thought!

MsMary

Veteran

I want to change my answer.

Angie's right.

I TOTALLY CARE!!!

I TOTALLY WANT EVERYBODY TO THINK I LOOK GREAT!!!

Ahem.

Carry on.

Lisa

Veteran

I care a lot. Maybe not enough to change everything I wear or do but certainly enough to want to avoid criticism at times. Wearing a scarf to work recently I had a lot of comments, if there had been only one or two, I'd probably wear one again and not worry about it. But when you feel like you have to defend yourself all day long, you wonder if it's worth it to wear the item in question.

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