How do I get out of my own bridal shower? - YouLookFab Forum

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How do I get out of my own bridal shower?

Diana

Veteran

Fair warning... I am feeling rather cranky right now and just want to vent.

So despite having said eight million times that I do not want a bridal shower, that I hate them, and that they just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable, somehow I have been hoodwinked into having one anyway. Basically, J's mom and aunt just decided that they were having one. They are inviting their friends. Of course I have been told I can invite people but I do not want to subject my own friends to this, plus most of my friends that I am inviting for the wedding do not live here in Boston. So... this is going to be even more awkward. I really hope they at least listened to me about how much I hate hate hate stupid shower games. If they try to pull one of those, I swear I am sitting down on the floor and throwing a tantrum.

What annoys me even more than the fact that I don't want to go to this is the fact that they basically just ignored my (very adamant!) wish not to have one. Plus they threw in a healthy dose of guilt. (As in, Auntie C. went all the way across the world and brought back these party favors so now you have to have one otherwise she'll be so sad and offended... never mind that she already knew at the time that I DID NOT WANT a shower).

I realize I have a really terrible attitude about this but it is unlikely to change. Every time I think about this it makes me fume and I can't say anything because obviously they have already made up their minds =P So, any way I can get out of this without offending everyone? Or, perhaps more reasonably, how do I make this less awkward?

At least I know nobody is going to try to throw me an unwanted bachelorette party - my bridesmaids are my sisters and I know they wouldn't do that to me! Just having a wedding is about all I can handle.

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41 replies

Latest reply was from Diana

kellygirl

Veteran

Ugh, you have my sympathy. Truly. I didn't want one either. Sounds like getting out of it is going to be more trouble (and guilt) than it is worth. I wish I had some great advice.... I can only say that 10-15 years down the road you pretty much forget about it. It's like a root canal--uncomfortable during but not so bad after it is all over.

I hope someone can chime in with some good advice. Hang in there.

Louise

Veteran

Stamp your foot and refuse to go!! Life's too short for doing things you don't want to especially when you were specific from the outset that you didn't want one x

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Sorry you have to go through this. My MIL threw me a party also just because she wanted her family and friends to get to know me. She couldn't attend the party that my friends had for me because she was in another city.Yes, it was very uncomfortable but I knew it was my future dh's family and so I did it for my him. All I can say is that at least you'll get some fun gifts out of it and you get to meet some interesting family members.

If you're so against it, you have that choice to say no.

Good luck.

Raisin

Veteran

That would make me pretty mad that they did that too, honestly. They're basically having a party for themselves, by only inviting their own friends, and saying it's for you. Ughh....I guess you could get really sick the day before that and the day of the party

missvee

Veteran

Well I look at it this way - they are excited for you and want a chance to make a fuss of you and show you off to their friends. It's nice in a way that they are so enthusiastic. I would just treat it as an opportunity to meet some new people. After all it's not the worst thing that could happen - they could detest you and refuse to be a part of the wedding at all. Weddings seem to bring out all kinds of strong emotions and sometimes it makes sense just to roll with things. This too shall pass!

Laurinda

Veteran

Parties like these are why they invented champagne punch :*}

MNsara

Veteran

Sort of out of the loop, but are these the same people that take holidays Very Seriously?

If so, their NEED to have a shower is consistent. These are your various future in-laws, right? If not, ignore my entire following logic

They've probably thrown shower after shower for other family members - wedding/baby/etc. and to NOT have a shower would be NOT honoring you the way they think necessary.

I hate showers too and still remember how awkward my wedding shower of my circle of friends was, but I lived through it, have some fun pictures and it taught me some graciousness of being in the unwelcome spotlight for a bit.

Sorry, if I sound like your mom (or mother-in-law!) but I'd suck it up and do my best to be gracious and accepting of this event. If they play games (which they probably will) just deal with it. . .you'll live through it

I don't think your conceding to this event will set a lifetime precedent of their getting their way, but that's the only reason I'd consider appropriate for creating such a ruckus that they back down here. If you did that, you'd definitely set a different tone for anyof their expectations in the future. . . !

P.S. If you do go, try to take one good understanding friend along for moral support

MsMary

Veteran

I think you have two choices:

1. Refuse to go. Just say, "I'm sorry but I'm just not going to do it. I warned you in advance, I'm sorry you ignored my wishes and went ahead anyway, but I will not be there." Period. If they have it anyway, don't show up.

2. Go and be gracious. Smile, nod, laugh at their jokes, suck it up, take one for the team. Pretend you are an actress playing the role of a bride who enjoys her bridal shower!

Either one of these is fine. But I strongly urge you NOT to succumb to the urge to pick

3. Show up, but make it clear that you don't want to be there, throw a tantrum, rain on their parade, etc. Please, please trust me when I say that no possible good can come of this. You will embarrass them and yourself for no good reason. If you really can't stand it, see number 1, above!

Hugs!! Good luck!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I'm so sorry Diana that these people didn't listen to your request. It is so incredibly frustrating when people just go ahead and do whatever they want to do without taking the individual into consideration.

However, they want to celebrate with you and are genuinely happy for you. And as much as you hate the idea, I personally would go, smile and pretend you are enjoying yourself and leave it at that. It is a few hours out of your life, it will make alot of people happy and will keep the peace with soon-to-be-hubby's family

Diana

Veteran

Thanks, everyone. I think there's really no way to gracefully get out of this, but I appreciate the ability to vent here and the reminder that there are other (sane!) people out there who dread the idea of such things and that have survived it!

Naz, I have actually already met all the people who will be coming... however, they are also going to be invited to the wedding so I don't think there is a way for them to have the party and for me to refuse to go. But yes, at least there are presents to look forward to!

Sara, yes these are the same people. I think you are right on the money. There's also some element of feeling like *they* are obligated to throw *me* a shower, despite the fact that I have said over and over that I don't want one. The back story is that J's mom threw a shower for Auntie C's younger daughter; J's dad was supposed to prepare the food (he does all the cooking in their family, the mom can't cook at all) but was called away for business at the last minute, so J and I ended up making all the food ourselves. So now Auntie C feels like she "owes" me a shower. Also there is a weird element of competition where since J's mom threw the shower for her daughter, she feels like she has to outdo her with this shower. (Although really she should understand about not wanting one - her older daughter did not want a bridal shower so did not have one.)

Laurinda, sadly I don't think it is likely there will be alcohol! If anything, maybe one small glass of champagne. They are not really drinkers at all.

Mary, don't worry, I won't really be throwing a tantrum! I'm not the type at all, I'm much more the passive-agressive, stewing silently, and venting to you guys type. =P

PS - my least favorite bridal shower game of all time is the Newlywed Game type one. (You know, where they ask the groom embarrassing questions about the bride and then she has to guess what he said.) I also hate the "how well do you know the bride" game, where everyone has to guess your favorite movie, first kiss, etc. Basically any game that involves the sharing of personal information with people who you do not want to share with. But I don't think there's much chance of those games happening, because they would require that either J or I share information ahead of time to get the answers and that is not happening.

Anonymous

Diana, maybe you'll get away with only having to play the toilet paper bridal gown game. ; )

Irene

Veteran

I don't know what a bridal party is (I think we don't do that in my country?) but I guess it's a party where you celebrate you are getting married, it's all about women, pink and girly things and you get some gifts -most of them unnecessary and maybe even plain ugly.

I get why you wouldn't like a party like that, but it's still your party and even if against your will, these people are preparing it for you. Probably they think you'll regret not doing it in the future (maybe because they enjoyed theirs a lot?). Even if they are wrong, and even if it's a thing you wouldn't regret not doing, they are still working hard for you. And they are proud enough of you as a new family member that they want to introduce you to all of their friends. You know, I have this friend that has been dating her boyfriend FOR A YEAR (a serious, stable commited relationship and guy) and her parents still refuse to simply have lunch with him 'because they don't like him'. Be glad your in-laws love you so much (even if they don't always respect your wishes) and try to enjoy this party. It will only be, what, three, four hours of punch, cookies and silly games? Come on, I'm sure you've been through worse!

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

Diana - why don't you research some bridal shower games and help prepare for them. There might be some that are not so "personal" - but more silly ice-breaker type games where everyone gets to be goofy. If you take an active lead then there won't be time for games you'd rather avoid.

I'd also try to get a few local friends to come, too...

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Psssst....bring your own "champagne." A bottle of pro secco. Not too high in alcohol, but very high in fun. And inexpensive.

So sorry you are being subjected to this. It is very annoying to have your express wishes ignored.

But it will only last a few hours, and you will have done your duty. And they will feel good about themselves.

Jonesy

Veteran

I completely, 100% share your dismay and frustration! This sort of thing drives me BONKERS! Refusing to go is sort of the nuclear option in this case, but I can certainly see why you would be tempted....

I think I would bring my spouse-to-be to the party. That's what we did for our shower. I detested the whole let's-prepare-the-blushing-bride-by-playing-ridiculous-games-and-buying-her-tawdry-lingerie thing, and really dislike most traditions associated with getting married. But, the family of my spouse-to-be and their friends really wanted to host a shower. So we both attended, and the shower was really just a wedding gift opening extravaganza coupled with some good food. My SO and I made wisecracks the whole time we were opening gifts, and the whole thing was lighthearted and totally manageable.

MsMary

Veteran

Not to belabor the point, but I meant to include "passive aggressive, silently stewing" in the "what not to do" Option 3. Really. It will make you feel bad and look bad.

I love the idea of bringing your fiance to the party and both of you having a great time! Now THAT is a passive-aggressive strategy I can get behind!

Sylvie

Veteran

I hear you. I ended up doing a bunch of wedding related stuff I didn't like and you can see it on the video.

I think bringing your fiance is a great idea! Yes, they get to throw you a party but they can't make it too girly if he's there.

catgirl

Veteran

I totally get you, having similar relatives on both sides myself. Mary K. and Jonesy have given you just the advice I would have given, and much more eloquently.

I asked my best friend to be in charge of my bridal shower and we planned in advance to have it at the rock climbing gym, where we had cake and belayers available. We put Hershey kisses in the climbing holds. It was a total blast and I was happy. No foolish games, no frilliness, no dressing up.

Then I went home to Boston and dealt with two other more traditional showers thrown by DH's large, demanding family and my large, demanding family. But having had fun with my friends, I was much more emotionally able to deal with acting the part of the subservient, docile bride.

So much of weddings unfortunately are about other people and their issues, and not about the bride and groom. My attitude was to insist on what mattered to me and bite the bullet with everything else because I didn't want to regret other people's feelings later.

rachylou

Veteran

Easy bridal shower games are the ticket. No one can say baby; if they do, they lose their pacifier to the person who catches the other out. Person with the most wins. Babies in ice cubes. First person to *deliver* their baby wins.

That and bring your gay best friend. Don't have one? Get one.

Classically Casual

Veteran

I agree with bringing your fiance. The best bridal showers in my opinion are co-ed...it diffuses the estrogen or something.

Is it too late to elope???

Anonymous

Bring your fiance and go to the punch bowl several times.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

LOL at Rachy.

I understand. I'm so glad my friends did not push any kind of bachelorette thing -- that's just not our thing. They did throw me a bridal shower of sorts -- a very low-key champagne brunch. Heavy emphasis on food and drink and conversation, little on gifts. That's how I wanted it. Maybe if they're insisting on throwing you a party, you can tell them exactly the kind of gathering you want it to be?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

(((HUGS)))

I hear you, Diana. I didn't have a bridal shower. A few of my mates came over for tea and cake, and then we all went out for pasta and ice-cream. No gifts, no games, no ridiculousness. There was actually no talk of marriage and wedding at all. It just ended up being a gals night out. We almost threw in a late night movie, but opted to sleep instead.

Love Jonesy's idea.

Diana

Veteran

So I have been to two other bridal showers thrown by this crowd (both awkward!) and what has happened both times is that the groom and other menfolk get sent off to a bar or something for the first couple of hours and then they return for the last hour or so for cake and coffee. I guess it's better than nothing. I know my fiance will not want to rock the boat (and I don't blame him) so he'll do whatever they suggest.

Wish I could go to the bar too!

CC, if I had my way, we'd have eloped a long time ago! As it is, at least we get to be in charge of the wedding itself and, although it's not my favorite thing to do, I am excited about some aspects of it. Plus I got a few of my big "wishes" so I'm happy about that - no attendants aside from our siblings, wedding in CA (that one was not negotiable though as my father is ill and not allowed to fly), and outdoor (not church) ceremony.

Honestly I think the bridal shower (and the big chinese wedding banquet to come after the wedding) are a way for J's family to exert control because they know they can't be in charge of the wedding.

Did I ever tell you guys that we had our flower girls/ring bearers (J's cousins' kids) determined for us pretty much the day we got engaged? I am so not kidding. I mean nominally they asked me later, but they had outfits and everything picked out and purchased already. I don't really care one way or another so it's fine but it's just another example of them doing things without asking.

Oy, parties. You know that thread on the main forum about Myers/Briggs types? I am SUCH a textbook INFJ.

ETA: Now what I really want is to go for tea and cakes with all of you!

Anonymous

I was 23 when I got married and too inexperienced to say no BUT sometimes these things are cultural. In my family/culture bridal showers are considered bad manners, like asking for gifts. However, I married an Italian and there are a right of passage and a poelitical game (which auntie gave what as MIL wanted to know if value was reciprocated from her past gifts)

I was humiliated and so was my mother vut we realized it was only us who felt that way,this was expected in their culture. Saying that, I would never throw one for my daughter and have declined several 3rd cousin invites from that side of the family...really, 3rd cousin? I have never met half of them

Go to one, be gracious and take a flask lol

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I was going to suggest the trusty hip flask too.
Families can't live with 'em can't kill 'em......

Mander

(website)

Veteran

Now this is exactly the kind of situation in which one of those flask bracelets would be ideal!

I have an aunt who is like this. She is very kind and generous and loves me to bits, but she just does not listen to anyone. You can tell her in the most direct way possible that you don't want to do something and then somehow find yourself doing it moments later. Or she will come up with really improbable ideas or plans and you find yourself doing them because even though you agreed not to, she goes ahead and does them anyway.

As others have said, your only real course of action is to just go and try to be gracious, unless you want to start a feud. Channel your inner 12-year-old if there are silly games. And have your fiance bring you a tiny bottle of Bailey's to spike your coffee with when they arrive from the bar.

Traci

Veteran

I'm not so proud of my stubborn streak, but I wouldn't go. I was on the fence about it until you said that future dh would just do whatever they suggested because he won't rock the boat. I know myself well enough to know that as hard as I may try to put on a smile and take it in stride, I would be boiling inside through the whole thing, especially if I'd asked him to stay and he left for the bar with the guys like his mom asked. I know it's not the common point of view on it, but this sort of thing feels incredibly disrespectful to me.

MsMary

Veteran

Okay, here's an idea: Would you consider letting them plan it and just flat-out lying and saying you're sick and backing out at the very very last minute? It would have to be something very dire and sudden indeed, of course. Like, deathly ill with food poisoning, or having emergency dental work. Or... ooh! You were walking down the stairs to get in the car and come to the party and you fell and hit your head and blacked out and had to go to the emergency room to get an x-ray! Hell, it would probably be worth an actual visit to the doctor or dentist just to back up your story! You would have to get your fiance to back you up 100%, now and until the end of time, but think about it. When you tell them the sad news, you could insist that they go ahead with the party without you and no, you won't hear of re-scheduling after they've gone to all that trouble! They would still get to have their party, you wouldn't have to go, and there wouldn't be a family feud. I know it's all kinds of evil and wrong, but could it possibly be a win-win?

Just sayin'...

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