Ha, Mary, your comment cracked me up because this actually happened to me once (with the same group of relatives even!). Only I was for real sick. I came down with swine flu in 2009 the week of thanksgiving and was in bed for a week and a half. There was some huge family thanksgiving gathering followed by another party on Friday to introduce a cousin's new baby to the big extended family, and of course I had to bail at the last minute given that I couldn't even stand up without getting super dizzy. Since it was right when swine flu first emerged, everyone was super scared of it and of course they were all, "we hope you're all right but please don't get anywhere near us with your OMGSWINEFLU." So... whatever current new pandemic that spreads mass hysteria is probably the way to go then.

Crikey Diana! It's obviously an exercise in control by his family, as you have rightly guessed. Some people really misinterpret NO and think it's some sort of mind game.

I'm useless with any new advice, actually with any advice. I did not have this thing to deal with, both because we culturally don't have them and because at the time I lived far from the place where we got marred, so it would have been a logistical nightmare anyway. But we had our fair share of "why?! what?! no, you're not going tos...", etc to deal with. But, we were determined to make it a day for us, not a day for others.

For me, living abroad and getting married back home meant I had to organize everything remotely, with just one trip to book the date at the registry office, check the venue, book the musicians and talk dress design with the seamstress. That turned out to be the blessing! With nobody to stand over my shoulder and suggest all sort of things, from customs and traditions I hate, to finer details, we could actually do everything in a very relaxed manner. Everyone just had to turn up and see how the day would unfold. It was lovely, very 'us', simple, about things we wanted to share. I think everyone figured early on things were going to be just a bit different than 'normal', so they weren't anticipating anything, just watching and participating if they wanted. No unfulfilled expectations. We had one rule - nobody was going to push anyone to do anything. E.g. some people wanted to dance, some just to sit and listen (we had an awesome live band, whose diary partly determined our wedding date ) And that was fine with us - as long as everyone was comfortable.
And to this day many of our guests still talk how much they enjoyed the evening.

The drama, however, was in the number of guests... where I come from weddings are family affairs of large scale, similar with Mr. O's side... and we just weren't going to have it. So, we invited only the closest and dearest members of family, and friends (friends *are* the family we choose, after all) and some simply could not stomach that they didn't "make the cut"... but their reactions made it perfectly obvious why they did not deserve our invitations.

Good luck... make it the least painful for you in the long run. That day, too, shall pass. In the end, the real life begins after the wedding.

ETA: I know what I wrote is about my wedding, not other 'supporting' events. The bottom line is try to make it memorable for you in all aspects you have control of. Some things you won't be able to control and I hope they'll be less painful than you anticipate.

Ahhh, I never had to endure a wedding shower. And with regard to the baby shower my boss and his wife were giving me, along with all those games like diaper the doll, name the baby food, etc. -- well, I gave birth to DD early the morning of the shower, so darn, I missed it and they had to go one without me! Guess that doesn't work so well for a wedding shower.

Maybe you can approach it as an anthropological study? And maybe if they play the Newlywed Game on you, maybe you can pretend it's a marriage interview at the Immigration Service. Actually, those things are no jokes. (I'm an immigration attorney.) But jeez, even couples with bona fide relationships can have poor memories and/or observational skills. Pretend you're Greek, and you're in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (which an ex-client gushed and told me was quite accurate).

I dunno. I'm bad at these girly things. I don't think hippies had showers. After all, I'm just trying to learn how to get dressed at the age of 59.

Could you have another engagement which means you only need to spend an hour there; speak to the quests, drink a glass of bubbly, kiss kiss the relatives and then waltz out of the door for that oh so important meeting which could not possibly be rearranged.

What about scheduling a doctor appointment? If it's about time for your annual checkup, maybe you could arrange to go to the doctor during the time you're supposed to be at your bridal shower. Then you could fib and say you didn't have time to cancel it. ROFL! I'm sure you'll think of something if you're really determined to miss the shower. I personally would suck it up and go. Just saying.

If there's anything I learned from my own wedding, it's that weddings make people do some crazy sh*t. And even though it's supposed to be "your" day, it ends up being all about them. Seriously. I saw some of the most deplorable behavior from relatives and friends when it came to our wedding and it was an exercise in restraint for a year and a half to keep myself from really hurting someone.

The best part is that, 5 years later, I have some really great stories to tell!

It's not easy to have people ignore your requests for an event that's supposed to be yours, so the only thing I can recommend is to go to the shower, take note of all of the crazy behavior, then go out with your friends and recount the craziness. They will appreciate you and you will have memories for years to come!

ha ha ha...no, srly, what is your question, cuz you know you're going to this thing, right?!?

ps, i get the pain and the frustration and the anger. i also get the love. vent away, then plaster a smile and go.

I love Krista's take on this :-))))))

I think you need to not only BYOB, but organize an 'afterparty' if possible. Are any of your friends going to be in town? Can you be meeting them for drinks and dessert at a pre-appointed time halfway across town? It is impossible to reschedule this double-barrelled celebration because of their/your conflicting and busy schedules etc. This cuts your time at the shower short, *and* gives you immediate venting space and a chance to laugh about it before it starts to fester and you start to fume... (maybe I'm projecting my own reactions here, but ARGH!)

As fellow hater of celebrations thrown for me against my wishes, one other piece of gratuitous advice: Don't just vent on here, make sure you're venting with the fiance too. Else you might find yourself resenting it more that he went along with it or did not bail you out etc---which adds a whole new spanner to the situation. I do recall there were things that happened at my wedding that I didn't stop grumbling about for years, which really did no one any good at all---and that's although I basically got our own way for most things.

[Now, all I need to do is apply my own advice to an impending baby shower---or cultural equivalent thereof---which I am starting to suspect is in the planning stages over in my MIL's head]

MaryK and Missvee are on the money.

My DIL had similar feelings. (No, it wasn't me. It was her family.) At least she managed to make her discomfort not too painfully obvious. But as ham-fisted as your future in-laws have been about this, it remains that this is also an important ritual of welcoming you into the family, expressing their support and acceptance of both you and your marriage. Take it as such. Much of life is like that, the good mixed with the not-so-good, and it is much better for everyone concerned to focus on the good. And there is plenty of it here.

I am a fellow introvert (INTJ!) so I completely feel your pain, but I think you're making too much of this. Your in-laws sound like traditionalists who want to do the "proper things" to welcome you to the family, and to them that means among other things having a girls-only bridal shower for you. I don't think you have to fake it or lie, but putting up with a few silly party games and saying thank you while you open gifts for a few hours will presumably mean a lot to your future MIL.

Weddings are one of those things that some people feel really strongly about. If your future in-laws are anything like some folks in my family, they feel that a wedding shower is necessary, and when you say you don't want one they think you're demurring because you don't want to be a bother. You will not win this fight, and I don't think it's worth fighting. Your marriage, and your relationship with your husband's family, are more important than one afternoon.

It's always a balancing act how to deal with a family, or a husband's family, who wants different things for you than you want, or has different preferences anyway. Weddings seem to light up these differences because for a lot of couples it's the first time when something "serious" brings up all these cultural expectations. I think it's worth talking about with your fiancee, because all of these things will come up during the wedding planning process a lot, and of course later in your relationship too.

Thanks, all. I am just seeing some of these new replies now. You've all made me feel much better and more balanced about this. I know I am probably being overly cranky and sensitive about this! So I will go, grit my teeth and smile, and then have a GIGANTIC drink afterwards. (J. knows that he is required to get me the gigantic drink, ha!)
To those of you who mentioned that they just want to welcome me into the family and that they think I'm just demurring when I say I don't want a shower: I guess I feel like they should know me better than that, because they've all known me for over 10 years! (Seriously, J. and I have been together for years and years. Our Save the Date cards say "FINALLY!" in giant font.)