Hit and run post on a weird encounter - YouLookFab Forum

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Hit and run post on a weird encounter

Mochi

Veteran

I'm hoping this isn't politically incorrect and certainly not judging but simply reporting.

I was downtown yesterday at the big central library and this friendly kind of wisecracking guy starts chatting with me. He told me he was gay (I believe him) His gaydar told himthat I was a lesbian. Because of my red Chucks. I was also wearing the black moto jacket.

I just laughed and said, "I'm surprised it's taken that long for someone to tell me that!" I told him I'm not gay. Anyway he seemed a little off for other reasons (like giving me a big bear hug) and I extricated myself from the conversation quickly.

I realize I don't have a "femmy" style for sure. And I could not care less whether people think I'm gay or not. It's just funny getting an outspoken assessment, when most people will probably size you up, but keep it to themselves.

Dressing

31 replies

Latest reply was from Mochi

Sara L.

Veteran

Asking people whether they are gay or not, to me, is sort of like asking a woman if she's pregnant. Just don't do it. I've run into so many people that turn out not to be what I thought, that I try not to make judgements until I know them better. My husband used to work with a man that he said was "the straightest gay guy he'd ever met".

Mochi

Veteran

I am fine with whatever people think I am. It is just funny that red Converses would be the smoking gun. I do suspect that I skew somewhat masculine in how I dress. I don't feel right in super-girly clothes and shoes, anyway. But I'd like to play with feminine touches. Or at least I keep saying that. Tango gives me an outlet to wear the occasional heel and dress, lol.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

I feel like you handled that really well.

It's interesting how we use dress signals to identify people as part of our "tribe," even though they're probably not as accurate as we assume them to be. When I think over my lesbian friends and acquaintances, I can't really pinpoint a single thread that runs through all of their styles, and yet, we all have the stereotypes that really don't hold up to reality, in either direction.

Mochi

Veteran

I really do have to sign off, heh, but I'll say it's dogged me for a long time, not whether I project as gay or not but rather a sense that I don't project as feminine very well. I remember very very well a woman making some offhand remark to me when I was 21: she said that if I were a man, I'd be really good-looking! I have no idea where that even came from! Sigh

JAileen

Veteran

My mother and I went to a same sex wedding in Toronto years ago (2002 or 2003). My husband stayed home with our son because school was in session. One of the people getting married was maid of honor at our wedding. At a party (not the reception) someone asked me if I were gay. I was surprised because no one had ever asked me that before. I laughed and said no, and neither is my husband.

Anonymous

God, people say the weirdest things. But he sounded a bit odd anyways, so consider the source.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Do you really care what he thought? I wouldn't.

Mochi

Veteran

Not really, but I can't help reflecting on it. It makes me wonder sometimes what kind of perceptions people form based on externals. And also I'm truly interested in "feminine" vs. "masculine" identities (through clothes, but not limited to that).

Mochi

Veteran

I analyze things a lot.

Mochi

Veteran

The earlier statement from when I was 21 has bothered me, though, I have to admit. I guess everyone has had bizarre things said to them? Not just me? Or am I a sponge for people's weird comments?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Converse are so gender neutral though, I see them as neither masculine or feminine.

rachylou

Veteran

Lololol! That is hilarious, Mochi. Couple of days ago our neighborhood speed freak joined me for my coffee break. Your guy is one up on mine, because I have no idea what tie-dye tights speedy was saying.

If you want to know, tho, if you're doing Lesbian Fashion, the answer is no. You have a fancy artsy earthy aspect to your style that sometimes the sheltered think is Lesbian Fashion. Berkeley Feminist Earth Mothers and Episcopalian Lady Reverends are responsible for this confusion. Ok, they're not, but everyone comingles at the Health Food store.

Btw... so when I was very very young I went to St. Louis and was surprised at how many openly gay people there were... Right. Not so. It was just that there was a big contingent of gay Midwesterners who came out to the coast and Midwestern Fashion was Gay Fashion out here...

Anonymous

Perceptions are very personal and biased. Even when people try to tell you their opinion, as it's verbalized it's being filtered through social acceptability, tact or hostility, motive, etc. Impossible to really assess the value!
I'm going to go out on a limb here and imagine that even though you're not gay, this guy is not who you want to date next, so I'd just feel a little sorry for myself that I had to put up with that, admire my own resourcefulness in extracting myself and move on.

Anonymous

It is of my own opinion that this guy was "fishing". Making something up to see if you would bite and then who knows what would have progressed from there. I am someone who does not trust strangers and can spot a fake a mile away. Good thing that you walked away and do not assume anything based on what he said.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think most of us have had a strange (and not really welcomed) comment or two made to us at one point or another. Sometimes they are bothersome. I remember a friend years ago saying something to the effect of "all normal women want children" and "only 10% or fewer of women don't." Well, that percentage may have been totally wrong, but it's the point of stating to someone "I don't think you are normal in my book" that hit home. She even went on to say that she didn't think people without children could possibly know what it's like to really love another human being in quite the same way as a mother.

That person was on the verge of becoming a mother, so hormones were likely part of her thoughts, but nonetheless it was one of several things that made me realize it wasn't a healthy friendship for me to continue.

FWIW, I don't see you as dressing or projecting in a masculine way from your WIWs here at all Mochi.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh also - have I told everyone my story of when I met Justine Bateman's stalker? There I am sitting in a cafe minding my own business and this guy starts talking to me. He tells me he's not interested in me 'that way' (what I'm not cute enough?!). It somehow gets out that I'd just seen Justine in a play that week. So then it all comes out. It must have been the Justine nearness vibe I was giving off. She's his true love. Blah blah. Next night, I hear the SWAT team had to get him out of the theatre bathroom he'd blockaded himself in...

Anonymous

I find it interesting that he based his decision on your shoes.

I have a story. In my town, the lesbian community decreed that Doc Martens would be their uniform (an unspoken code). That was not a problem at all. But when Doc Martens became fashionable and were being worn by women across all walks of life, the lesbian community thought they were being mocked. They became really, really mad. They started confronting perfect strangers and asking them "what their deal was." The poor woman in the grocery store had no clue what was happening. I started to step in to explain what was happening, but I got embarrassed and opted to mind my business. It was uncomfortable. The store manager had be to called.

Today NO ONE wears Doc Martens, at least that I see.

Echo

Veteran

I worked for years in customer service, and believe me, I am a freak magnet. Never, never, never take seriously what some random "off" person says to you out of the blue. The things they say reflect them, not you, and not usually reality, either. I know that you are a sensitive and insightful person, but please don't overthink this. I guarantee you that Random Crazy Man doesn't remember you, what he said to you, or why he said it.

Mochi

Veteran

WHOA, Sterling, what ever happened to imitation being the highest form of flattery? Plus, you know, Doc Martens are expensive! There are much more cost-effective ways of mocking people. I cannot believe how wacky people can be.

And Rachy, triple LOL. You always have a great tie-in story no matter WHAT I throw out there.

Thanks for all the comments. Believe me, I am not concerned or dwelling on the guy. Oh, he asked me where I was from and I said, "New York." Then it turns out he had prayed that morning that he would run into someone from New York. I guess it was me. I told him if he's that good he shouldn't waste his prayers on stuff like that, more like on Lotto tickets. He was weird, but the gayness and the Boston accent made me cut him some momentary slack. I just can't explain why--I'm from New York and at first I just thought he was colorful. The whole exchange was maybe two minutes long.

DonnaF

Veteran

What a crazy person encounter! None of the dozens of lesbians I know wear red Chucks or even Doc Martens. I can't think of any with black motos, but one gal had a dark brown moto which went better with her hair. My minister, who is lesbian and is the most girly and stylish adult in the congregation, wears Poetic License heels among other brands. The other (lesbian) minister wears d'Orsay pumps.

unfrumped

Veteran

I agree , shrug it off.
You may be interested on your own in increasing feminine aspect of outfits-- same as any style goal, be it to add edge, add tomboy, androgyny, add ladylike, authority. Things related to both messages/ clothing codes and/ or aligning with identity or inner feelings.
Problem is, this guy is not who you want to use as the arbiter of what you are achieving!

Added bonus is Rachylou, ROFL as per usual. Makes my day.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

The guy sounded odd and I would leave it at that, but it's clearly touched on some insecurity that might prompt you to consider whether your style image is the one you want to project. FYI I live in Converse-like sneakers, BF jeans and leather jackets right now, but don't consider that indicative in any way of my sexual preferences.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, so there *is* a *lesbian style* that involves Converse... Thing is, it's the exact same style as *I work in IT*... I don't want to say anything, but diversity in tech is totally an issue... No big bulky lumberjack type has ever come to fix my email.

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

That sounds like a very weird encounter, Mochi...but you handled it so well!

Don't give this another thought. Some people think they're so *smart*, they can *know* all there is to you without even knowing you. They judge people based on what they look like, and then think it's totally OK to voice their thoughts. I strongly dislike such people. I don't think it's *cool* to start a conversation like that.

Just because your style has fewer feminine details doesn't mean you look gay!!!! Infact, I don't think lesbians are not feminine. I know some who are quite feminine too!

As for your friend, I can understand why that comment bothered you. Believe me when I say that there is nothing 'masculine' about you. You have a great style that's quite 'You'

Astrid

Veteran

That conversation doesn't say anything about you, just about him.

I know for a fact that a few people in school thought I was a lesbian because of my pixie cut and because I didn't join their crazy talk about boys. I think they needed a simple explanation why someone wouldn't want to be like them - people are stupid. I didn't care what they thought.

rachylou

Veteran

Ok. I love this thread because it's about tribalism and being talked to by weird people on the street... who nonetheless don't get out enough...

ps: Astrid, I think that is hilarious!

rabbit

Veteran

I've had randoms tell me that my father is my husband, or my husband is related by blood to me, or that I'm French or Scottish, or a student, etc. Wacky perception is in the eye of the beholder.

Like rachylou I live in a city where certain style markers can sometimes be part of a specific lgbt tribe signifier, but also can overlap with other tribes. It seems like many of us belong to multiple tribes simultaneously actually, and code-switching can happen on depending who you are going to see that day. Unless you are wearing a head to toe look where every item is pretty much specific to tribal identity, like teen goth.

Actually my thought is, so what if someone thinks I might be lesbian or bi, that's cool. I admire and sometimes emulate certain menswear as womenswear looks both straight and gay women wear, and sometimes certain tomboy/sporty looks--but my style rarely strays into full on bike messenger territory, I think I'm too old, and um not on a bike that much.

I'm wondering if short edgy haircuts might be the area where people overgeneralize too much without more data points, rather than actual clothes.

Helena

Veteran

Woe, tryint to define someone's sexuality based on the colour and brand of their shoes ... To quote Inigo Montoya, I do not think that word means what he thinks it means ...!

Brooklyn

Veteran

Take it as a compliment. I think it means he thought you looked too cool to be straight. Also, he looked at you and thought you were approachable enough for a D&M chat. And that's a good thing about your appearance, even if he was a little strange
And Lol Rachy. There is a serious lack of diversity in the IT industry.

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