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Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Highlight "you" or the clothes?

Tania

Veteran

Rachylou's thread prompted me to post a question I've had. What are the differences in dressing to highlight the clothes/style/fashion vs. dressing to highlight yourself? How do you accomplish either or both?

I've been working with my newish micro-capsule. In my day-to-day life, I've received several compliments, but they always seem about the items themselves, vs. about me directly, so I think I am missing something. For example, loads of folks have commented on my red Docs. Nice boots. Whoa, nice boots. Love the boots. Look at those boots. Etc.

Anyway, I'm just noting this and wondering about the differences in highlighting yourself vs. the item! Any sage advice?

Dressing

34 replies

Latest reply was from crutcher

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

It's probably going to depend on the item in question. With boots, it's hard to compliment anything but the object, meaning it would weird to say "your feet look great in those boots!" If it's other items that are being complimented, then there are a few possible scenarios: one is that people who are paying you a compliment don't realize the difference between saying "that's a great dress" vs "you look great in that dress"; another is that if it's a professional environment, they might not want to comment on the body or even appearance, and would prefer to praise your selection; and the last, which I doubt is the case, is that the garments are overwhelming, and wearing you, rather than the reverse.

Sharon

Veteran

Hmm, I think the reality is that if you wear a statement item, no matter how fabulous you look, the compliments are gong to be about the item. Most people lack the interest and/or analytical skills to go any further than thinking "Looks nice...whoa, that item looks interesting....those two facts must be connected" I choose to read it as a compliment on my good taste in selecting the item and wearing it in a way that looks good!

Gaylene

Veteran

First off, let me say that a compliment is a compliment, and I'll gladly take either, but definitely my favorite kind is of the "You look great." variety. To me that means everything is working in harmony-- my outfit, my hair, my shoes, heck, even my undies--to make me shine in a positive way. I feel good inside because I know that others notice me and like what they see.

Compliments like "I love your ___" seem to be more about complimenting my taste or choices. It's not really about me now, but more about how aligned I am with another person's preferences. Sometimes, I seek and enjoy this connection; at other times, if I respect the person's expertise in this area, I feel validated; at still other times, if I'm not sure why the person is making the observation, I might actually feel a not-so subtle attempt to get me onside with someone else's agenda. Much more complex than the "You look great." kind.

Diana

Veteran

Tough one. I'm not sure, actually. I definitely wear a lot of statement items; however, at the risk of sounding self-centered, I am aware that it takes *me* to pull them off. I don't wear clothes that wear me.

Also: the one thing I get the most compliments on are my specs. Maybe because I wear them every day. But if you are looking at my specs, you kinda have to look at my face. So there's that.

ETA: another thought. I get a number of compliments (sometimes accompanied by surprise) along the lines of "wow, you make those crazy pants look *good*", implying that it takes both me and the crazy pants to make it work.

Anonymous

Does it matter? I get compliments on things I wear or on my hairstyle or whatever. In the end, people are noticing my choices, which is fine by me. I mean, I don't think most people say things like, "You look younger than usual today."

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I pretty much agree with everything said above. Even fabulous boots won't look good on the wrong person wearing the wrong outfit, so ultimately the compliment is still about you. But of course you look great is nicer to hear than you have great boots :-)!

Sal

Veteran

I think the two things people notice about "you" are a great hairstyle AND wearing the right colour. Wearing a great colour can hide tiredness and also give such a boost. A flattering or new hairstyle also highlights the face.

I think I am a clear spring (but would not swear that, and don't totally abide by the colours) and find that wearing an emerald green or a coral or turquoise is a sure way to get compliments.

Dimity

I wonder if it has something to do with your clothes reflecting your personality? Perhaps when people compliment your red boots, they're thinking somewhere that the boots 'fit' your personality and that you can pull the bold look off. Similar to what Gaylene and Diana said, really. If you didn't have the style to wear the look well, people wouldn't compliment.

Adelfa

Veteran

I rarely get "you look great" unless I'm wearing lime green. Then I get it a lot. So usually it's "I love your boots." Or "You've changed your blush!" Sometimes a more global "I love your style." I'd love to be told I look great, but I will totally take people liking my boots and my style!

Sheila

Veteran

If I get a compliment on a clothes item it immediately raises a red flag to me that the item is "too much" for me or that it "overpowers " me.
The lady with the "yellow jacket", "orange shirt" etc... that I am not being seen but my clothes are.
The opposite can also be true. I find some muted colors, no matter how expensive make me disappear. This is true for tweeds, heathered items etc...
I am at an age where I can appear invisible already and I don't want clothing that further accentuates this.
It is a happy medium for sure.
I am thrilled with " You look great". Any clothing comments puts that item into the back of the closet... most times indefinitely.

kkards

Veteran

i also think it depends on who is giving the compliment --if its a close family member or friend, and all the comments are about what you are wearing that's one thing. if its from acquaintances or strangers, than i would feel funny if it was about me….after all, they don't know me, so it would be kind of strange for them to compliment me.

Sheila

Veteran

I often get compliments from random strangers on my hair. Never anything else- certainly not clothing. But probably at least once a week someone ( man or woman) will tell me that they love my hair.
My kids have witnessed this a number of times and at first were amused but now just accept it.
You are right though... family members might mention clothing or makeup.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Wait, why is it weird to compliment a stranger? I get plenty of compliments from strangers, and I give them too! And I will often compliment someone on a specific item they're wearing, even if it is something I wouldn't necessarily wear myself, because I see it suiting the person somehow.

Honestly, I don't care whether someone compliments my general appearance or a bag I'm carrying or whatever. I've even had people I've known for less than 24 hours tell me a signature item I'm wearing is "so me." I am careful to dress not to blend in, but also not to overwhelm myself, so for me, it is about me AND the clothes, as they relate to me.

kkards

Veteran

janet--not weird to give or receive complements to strangers. i guess i mean, that i would think it sort of awkward if a stranger said to me "wow, you look really pretty today", but i wouldn't think it strange for them to say "wow, i love that sweater".

Astrid

Veteran

I have to confess I don't think about these nuances much and I don't think many other people do either.

Staysfit

Veteran

This is such a timely question for me as I recently went through a major closet overhaul based on changing my colors from soft autumn to light summer. That is a very drastic change although both color groups are light, one is warm and the other is cool. What I have noticed is that people tell me I look younger, better but they can't figure out why. I am convinced color has something to do with it. I bet a statement item in a good color would garner even more complements along the same line. I am certain that people notice statement items more than basic items.

I dress for myself, because it makes me happy. It's important to me that I present myself well professionally and personally. I am not doing it to get complements, but to feel good, and look good. If I get a complement for what I wear, that's a perk, so it was nice to hear a shift in what people were saying when my colors changed.

Having said all of this, what people notice about me are my actions and my behavior, my professionalism and my attitude, etc. I get complements on these and on my reputation and integrity. I get complements for being a good parent. These complements mean more to me than any other. i hope you also have something like this in your life

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Interesting discussion. I think people tend to compliment statement items (vs. essential items) -- with boots, haircuts, jewellery, and the colour of a top, jacket, or coat being the prime examples. Along with patterned pants if a person knows you a bit better. They'll compliment the item in these cases, even if their overall feeling is, "Great style!!"

The "you look great" comments tend to be about the whole ensemble and/ or a person's genuinely being rested, LOL! And they might be more common if you are not wearing an obvious statement item.

Red boots are the kind of thing that some people just aren't brave enough to wear. (Don't ask me why; to me it would take no bravery to wear them; just a bit of panache!) But that means they'll always draw comments.

As for me, I takes my compliments as I finds 'em, and feel happy with whatever I get!

Staysfit

Veteran

I will say something about the compliment from strangers. My DD has interesting gold colored hair that falls in cork screw curls. Her entire life strangers have come up to her and given her complements, and even reached out to touch her hair. She finds it very creepy when a stranger touches her or talks to her. She will be 21 soon, and this still happens.

She did an art project once to count how many people touched her in one week. I don't recall the exact count but it was some number greater than 20.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

Because I sub, I usually just get a generic compliment of 'Wow, you look so nice!' when I show up somewhere for the first time; I think that says more about what they're expecting or usually see in the way of dressing for sub work. I have to cop to giving and receiving specific shoe related compliments; I think 'shoe people' do a lot of that! Some of the nicest compliments I get come from my special ed kids in very unexpected ways. At the court appointed school where I subbed a group of girls came over at lunch & asked me if I would take a permanent job there because they said 'You smile at us and say hi when you see us. And you dress nice like you're happy to be here.' Out of the mouths of babes, right? So I think when you get a compliment about what you're wearing it's a recognition that you put some thought into what you chose even if they just reference the garment.

Elly

Veteran

I get the most compliments on my appearance from men around my father's age up into the elderly range. These are the general "your are such a beautiful lady" type things. Unless a man otherwise acts odd, I always smile and appreciate the compliment. We shouldn't live in a society where someone can't give you a genuine compliment without it having a secret dark inappropriate meaning.

I get the most compliments on my clothes, hair, glasses, etc. by female family members, female co-workers, female friends, and female people I see often that I don't know well (the UPS lady, the dental hygienist). They see me often and tend to zero in on what is different and appreciate my style coming through in these choices rather than making a general compliment on how nice I look. I think partially this is the natural female tendency to attention to detail and the gatherer instincts, but I also think there is some kind of cultural norm where females don't compliment each other the way males compliment females -- i.e. I often tell acquaintances that they look very attractive/pretty today or compliment a specific body part of a female friend or family member and have had to learn not to do it because it doesn't get appreciated the same way. I don't want to be the creepy lady.

When I do get "you look great today" from a female it is usually because I am especially dressed up and they are really commenting on my outfit, or it is followed by "that is such a great color".

ETA-- Staysfit, I can relate to your daughter. I have very fine, silky textured hair and growing up and when I wore it long I constantly had people petting me. It made me uncomfortable and is part of the reason I no longer wear my hair long, and I'm generally not one who minds being touched, but strangers or people I barely knew touching my hair/head was weird.

Tania

Veteran

All of the responses have been very interesting to me.

I have found the more general "you look great" comments come when I dress with attention to figure flattery or more classic styling. Trench, riding boots, etc.

I have found the more specific commentary as I've played with different, more stand-out pieces (either by design or color).

While I was at the store the other day, a women from across the room gasped and then told me that my ring was gorgeous. It is my engagement/wedding band, designed by my husband. It is unique but it is unusual for folks to notice unless they are up close. I started to wonder if the other pieces of my outfit (in this case, maybe my red coat) make my overall presence more noticeable and then people start to notice the pieces that speak to them.

I've spent several years fading into the background, so to speak, so I've found all this interesting.

Jules

Veteran

I think it's just much easier/less political to compliment individual items. Even a general 'you look really great lately/today' can be taken as an insinuation the person didn't look that great the way they dressed before/without makeup/etc. I've gotten some great general compliments that felt really genuine since changing my style, but they tend to come from people I don't see that often (like, several years have passed) and they were both about looking younger/not aging. I have most definitely aged (middle age pattern weight gain, fine lines galore), so I'm pretty sure it's my style they are reacting too, but I have to read between those lines, right? And I'm talking about 2-3 incidents over a couple of years - you don't get that kind of reaction every day when you are making gradual changes.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I echo what Gaylene, Shevia and Suz wrote.

Echo

Veteran

I think it says more about the person giving the compliment than the person receiving it. I notice how people are put together, and there are some people whose style I appreciate. But it gets redundant and weird to say, "You look great!" or "You look really nice today" to people repeatedly. So I commonly only comment when there is an outstanding item I notice.

For example, I wear a lot of black punctuated with one stand-out item. I think I look great in outfits like that, though I am aware that most people will only notice the highlighted item.

Diana

Veteran

Another thought: I get a fair number of compliments from complete strangers about my clothes and sometimes hair, which I appreciate. However, if a stranger was to compliment me on my appearance in general (e.g. "you look beautiful", I would fine it creepy. Possibly because such comments are usually delivered by skeezy guys and are basically catcalls. Yuck. Something like "I like your coat" is a lot more neutral and I can take it at face value. Of course the above does not refer to compliments by people I know (including ylfers!), only random strangers.

Anonymous

I get compliments from strangers, mostly about my hair or jewelry. I do think most people refrain from saying anything too personal, as that would come across as too forward or creepy.

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

This is definitely an interesting thread! I agree with others show have said compliments of any kind are appreciated, but I do find certain ones more meaningful than others if they seem to "get" me or make me a factor in the compliment. One of the most memorable was when I passed a woman in the post office and she exclaimed something like "where in the world are you from?! You look wonderful!" as she waived her hand to encompass everything from my hair down to my shoes. I was sorely tempted to never take the outfit off. In hind sight I realize that on that particular day, something about the pattern/texture/accessory combination worked in a sort of magical way with my hair and coloring and also happend to be that woman's exact cup of tea. My other favorite compliment is from men on my hair when they say "I'm generally not a fan of short hair on women, but I REALLY like your hair!" That is the sort of compliment that makes me feel like a person has truly seen me.

This makes me realize that I need to get a lot less lazy with my compliments. It is so much easier to say to a coworker "I love the color of that top" or "great boots!" than it is to let someone know when they look wonderful and that I see and appreciate their style. That being said, if I see a co-worker in a very unflattering outfit, I will often say "oh those shoes you are wearing are SO cute!"

ETA: But for something like your red boots - a statement piece - I would almost always compliment on its own merit becuase it is hard to see a really great item and not want to call it out in a good way.

rachylou

Veteran

Ok, definitely I don't want anyone looking my body over and telling me their thoughts about it.

On the other side of things, I don't like that frisson of shock you get from people when your outfit is so killer that you're in femme fatale or diva territory. That kind of wattage is not useful to me, nor do I find it pleasant.

What I like is a nice, mild "cute outfit" or "stylish outfit." A stronger, "you've got great style" is also appreciated. I like having original clothes that don't get in my way.

Marley

Veteran

To me a compliment is a compliment is a compliment . . .

I must say that I like getting compliments from strangers - even men - it doesn't feel at all creepy to me or in the same category as catcalls! The other day I was at Home Depot standing in the plumbing row trying to find an attachment for our shower head and another guy was there and we joked about all the choices and how neither of us knew exactly what we were looking for. As he pushed his cart behind me to leave, he stopped and whispered softly to me "You are lovely." There was nothing sleazy about his comment - and, well, I felt like a million bucks.

I think that the degree of confidence that you have in yourself and how you look can definitely determine whether or not a compliment feels good or not so good. I really cannot imagine someone telling me that they liked my boots/hair/jacket, etc. and me interpreting that as meaning that the item looks good, but I've kind of missed the mark because they are complimenting the item, rather than me! I'd rather just assume that I look good too!

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