Help! I need to lose 50 lbs and get a whole new look by Thursday! - YouLookFab Forum

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Help! I need to lose 50 lbs and get a whole new look by Thursday!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I know...aint gonna happen I just found out I need to go see my Aunt (who has *always* looked at me and *although polite* acted like Im a slimy bug that crawled out from the toilet) except for the brief window of time I was 'average' sized...does NOT help Im going with my sister, who has a 'holier than thou' attitide about losing 30 lbs recently....I cannot postpone this. ANY suggestions on what to wear or how to cope will be greatly appreciated! ps- did read the 'stress mgmt' thread and will try and follow the suggestions there....

General

35 replies

Latest reply was from Michelle

Heather

Veteran

Oh no, BM! I think you and Biscuit Boy should come visit me instead. Sending you the biggest hugs ever. <3

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Oh, what a sweetheart you are! Sure wish we could.....

Inge

(website)

I'm sorry BM, things like that can be so stressful. Do you have a particular outfit, or even one item or accessory or a colour you feel extra good in at the moment? Something that will make you feel confident or even just make you smile when you look at it? Perhaps you could try starting from there?

MsMary

Veteran

Uh, may I timidly suggest that you carefully examine the "need" to see the Aunt? If she is going to be awful to you, then why put yourself through it? That's a real question and there may well be compelling reasons, but I think it's worth having a conversation with yourself about it instead of just uncritically accepting the "need" as a given.

That said, if you decide to subject yourself to these awful people, my suggestions are as follows.

1. Any comments about your sister's weight loss are to be responded to with a smile and a "how nice for you." Repeat as necessary, a million times if needed.

2. Any comments about your weight or your appearance are to be responded to with one of the following (pick one before you go and practice):

a. A smile and a "How sweet of you to notice." Repeat as necessary, possibly with variants such as "Thank you for your concern" or "I'll give that the consideration it deserves." Inside your head, you are thinking, "These people are whack and this is THEIR issue, not mine."

or

b. A steely glare and a "I'm not comfortable discussing my weight and I'm not willing to continue this conversation. Where did you get that lovely brooch?" And then follow through by getting up and leaving the room if they persist.

or

c. A smile, a lighthearted laugh, and a "It's so amazing that you two are so worried about my weight and my appearance, because Biscuit and I happen to think I look just great! Don't we, Biscuit?" Followed by another lighthearted laugh. Again, repeat as necessary. I happen to really like this option. Don't try to convince them they're wrong and you're right, just state your opinion and make it clear that they're not going to change it.

Good luck! Big hugs!!

nancylee

Veteran

Definitely wear whatever outfit makes you feel the most beautiful and confident with the least amount of fuss. This is not the time to try something new or risky. It sounds like you'll need all your strength to deal with the tricky situation. Good luck!

Girl X

(website)

Veteran

How do you feel about alcohol? Sorry, I meant 'copious amounts of' alcohol.

Marigold

Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear about having to deal with a mean Aunt (I'll be dealing with one over the Memorial Day weekend), just relax and take deep breaths, and don't let her get to you!

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Sounds like a nightmare! I think everyone's given great advice. I love MaryK's how to cope with comments. It is their problem in the end, not yours, if they make comments - it just doesn't always feel like it at the time...

Sending sympathetic hugs your way.

Lynne

Veteran

poor you! Every family has one of these people :(.

My way of coping would be to
a) dress comfortably, no extra stress from tight waistbands or wobbly heels
b) keep the conversation firmly on them: lots of open questions about them and their favourite subjects/hobbies/interests
c) escape whenever I needed to. Bathroom, kettle, make-believe phone call, walk Biscuits again, whatever it takes to give you some space when you need it!
d) accept Heather's invite and put my feet up instead

Anonymous

Hey, I so get you. I have a very slim and stylish cousin and aunt, the ladies who lunch kind of type, and i always ask my mom/bf when i get out the door to meet them: do I look like I starved recently? BUT I never let them know they get to me, and neither should you. I am pretty average sized, but not in the model-thin ways but your weight is none their business!

MsMary

Veteran

So I'm thinking about this some more, and I'm wondering what it is that YOU want to get out of this event? Because what you want will affect your coping strategy.

Is there, realistically, anything you can do to get what you want from them? Even if it means saying, "You know, all my life I have been looking for a kind word from the two of you, and it would mean the world to me if you could think of that kind word right now. How about 'Biscuitsmom, you are a terrific person and we love you!?'" If you think they would be willing to give you want you want if you came right out and asked for it, then that might be an option.

If,on the other hand, there is no way to realistically get what you want (either because they are too self-absorbed or evil or whatever to give it, or because you can't bring yourself to ask, or for whatever reason), then your coping strategy will be different, and should involve telling yourself something like, "I know I desperately want their approval, but I'm not going to get it because they're just not capable of giving it. And that's okay because I am no longer a little girl who needs anybody's approval. I have a wonderful life and wonderful relationships with others, and most importantly, I approve of myself!" Repeat as needed.

I always think it's a good idea to really take this stuff apart and turn it over and look at it and examine it, you know? Doing so can take some of the power away from those evil relatives sometimes.

amyreh

(website)

Veteran

I love Mary's advice! That sucks you have to deal with this, just wear something that makes you feel confident and pretty and know that is really what matters, not what they think!

elpgal

Veteran

Mary has given you excellent advice.

I have some hawk-eyed relatives who tend to do the same thing. One time, when I couldn't stand it any longer, I turned to my husband and said something like 'Dude, you lose and now you owe me that foot-rub. Didn't I bet they would comment on my weight within 5 minutes of us getting here?'. I am pleased to report that this has soured the relationship somewhat but I haven't heard a peep about my weight since then. Keep in mind though that when I made this comment, none of them were sick/dying/celebrating or otherwise in any distress.

krishnidoux

Veteran

MaryK that is such good advice!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Hugs of empathy here, and what Mary said.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry you have to go through this BM.

Mary has given you some outstanding advice. Maybe think of it like going through labour.... you have to go through it, it's painful and hurts like heck but at least once it's over, it's over!

If you really have to go, I'd make sure you wear something you feel comfortable in, and make sure you have a clear time you need to leave (arrange a friend to "call" if necessary). Perhaps plan something nice just for you after, so as to try to minimise in your mind the event and have something nice to look forward to.

Remember, sadly you can't change anything they will say, do or imply - you can only manage your reaction after it. (I have been known to say things in my head at times when I've come across people like this such as "Oh, here she goes again.. blah, blah, blah, blah!" whilst smiling politely... ;-))

Best of luck!

sarah

Veteran

Ugh - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I can see why Mary wants to get her therapy license. I'd print out a picture of Mary and whenever you're really going to lose it, steal glances at it for fortitude and encouragement. Honestly, maybe opening up about would help? Hang in there.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Well, I actually second the suggestion of avoiding this person if at all possible. I had to make a really tough decision at one point and have not seen my own mother for almost a year and a half because she would not respect certain boundaries -- and honestly, it's been the most positive, peaceful year and a half. It seems drastic sometimes to not see someone when you are expected to see them, but... well, it kills me to think of you accepting this treatment from anyone.

That said, the following advice has *really* helped me in the past:

- Remember that you can only control *yourself* - it can be super frustrating when you keep asking for respect but don't get the response you want. Take the law into your own hands, so to speak, and know how you will stop the verbal abuse yourself - even if you have to physically walk away or go home early. YOU always have the power to end an abusive conversation.

- Remind yourself who's speaking - It's not your SO or your bff or Angie telling you you look horrible! It's someone who *only* says hurtful things and there for has no credibility. There is no reason to expect her to be nicer, but you can at least be ready for it and remove yourself emotionally.

- Most importantly - think about all the people in your life who DO accept you, think you're wonderful, and even envy you! Sound corny, but being cognizant of your own special gifts can turn a really deep cut into a glancing blow. :T

catgirl

Veteran

Rae, what insightful advice - I am going to make this thread a favorite.

BM, Mary is spot on. My dad recently hurt my feelings this way, but he is my father and has a million good qualities that make up for the occasional slip. You've got nothing but grief from this aunt, and there is no reason she needs to be a part of your life. If you must go, take Mary's suggestions with you.

As for your sister, I'd feel free to tell her off, in ladylike terms of course. She has the right to be pleased with herself, but not at your expense.

So sorry you're having to deal with this kind of negativity.

Aunty

Veteran

I am getting on plane now to come and get you!!
You are a wonderful person with a great personality and if they are mean to you I will probably explode.
MaryK has it nailed for advice, but do you really have to go???

ButterflyLady

(website)

Veteran

I agree with the others - do you *have* to go? Mary's advice is spot on - the things they are saying are not about you - they are about making themselves feel better in some way. Sad, in a way, that they have to be nasty to others to feel good about themselves.

((virtual hug))

Wear something you love, that makes you feel confident and try and rise above it!

Lynne

Veteran

you have so much good advice to choose from here! I remembered something I did years ago, and the effects are still working......do you remember Pavlovs dogs? He taught them, by association, to salivate at the sound of a bell etc in expectation of food? Well, my MIL, by way of conversation, likes to berate her DILs to each other. Years ago, I decided I didn't want to hear it. If she phoned and started to speak badly of my SILs, I would say "gotta go, thx for calling!". If I was in the room and she started I left the room. Guess what? 15 years later, she will still berate my SILs to whoever will listen - except me. Just putting this out there under 'it worked for me'!

Anonymous

Biscuitsmom, you've already gotten tons of good advice, I know you will find the advice here that works best for you. Big hugs.

Mary, I want to hire you as my therapist!!!

celia

Veteran

Oh BM, I know the feeling. My MIL was like that for some years and the only reason why she doens't complain about my weight anymore is because I lost some.

Usually I would say (and do) not to speak to them anymore, but as it happened to me sometimes is not only our relationship with thatperson but there are other people involved also.

This being said and as you already had great advice I can just share my coping mechanisms with this situation.

First of all weight is just a part of our outer apearence, it doesn't mean we are ugly, unfashionable, uninteresting or any other thing.So when someone tries to reduce you just because you weight more than whatever they think you should is because they really don't have anything more to talk about.They probably are the uninteresting and unfashionable ones.
If the rest of the world loves the way you are (and I'm sure they do) that person is really a minority and her opinion is not worth while.

One strategie I always found rewarding was to look good on my skin. For the short period of time I was with her to act the part of the confident with myself person(even if I was not feeling it).

You are great and no one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself.

About what to wear choose something you know makes you look good. I don't think you ever posted outfits ut why not try this time?I always find that if I'm wearing something with YLF aproval no matter what anybody says I feel great.

lots of huggs

MsMary

Veteran

Rae! I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom! If you ever want some quality time with a 50-something who thinks you're fab, you know where to find me! XXX OOO

And your advice is FAB!!! I'm making this thread a favorite, too!!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Wow...I cannot tell you *how much* I appreciate all the wonderful advice Ive gotten from each of you! I am literally moved to tears....will be back on a little later today to comment more- I need to leave to take a friend to a Dr appt

Patty

Veteran

Good advice here already but if things go bad you can always work in "you old buzzard" as in--another cup of tea you old buzzard?
Seriously tho--hope your visit is uneventful--you shouldn't have to change.

rae

(website)

Veteran

LOL, Patty, that really lightened the mood... Maybe that is a good line to add to an internal dialogue to keep you smiling, BM...

Mary, you are SO sweet! Thank you times infinity.

BM, I hope that you will keep us updated on your thoughts and on the results of the visit, should you choose to go. Big hugs to you!!

Aziraphale

Veteran

I have nothing to add to the great comments above, and can only agree with everyone. Hold you head up high. You don't have to please this woman! If she wants to be ignorant and unkind, she's the one with the problem, not you. Best of luck.

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