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Have you ever had someone question what you own

Debbie

Veteran

This weekend another woman and I were having a conversation about an incident between her son and my grandson. She looks down at my feet and says to me "Just how many pairs of shoes do you have? I don't think I've ever seen you wear the same pair twice." It took me a second but I didn't acknowledge the comment. I finished the conversation and left.
I would never say anything like that. The more I think about it the more astonished I am.

General

38 replies

Latest reply was from Barbara

MsMary

Veteran

Well, on the one hand it sounds really intrusive and nosy. Especially in the middle of what sounds like what was already a rather tense conversation.

On the other hand, people say all kinds of crazy things without thinking. I'll admit -- it's not completely outside the realm of possibility that I might say something like that, not as a real question, but just as a kind of hyperbolic comment/compliment on how many lovely pair of shoes you have. And I have a lot of shoes, in a lot of bright and noticeable colors, and people have said similar things to me, too. I guess I just shrug it off and don't take it very seriously.

Debbie

Veteran

You are right MaryK I think I might be over thinking this. I really think she was trying to end the conversation.

taylor

Veteran

Totally get that Debbie.
Sorry that someone made you feel bad today

One line I really dislike is "Oh, You have ...(fill in the blank) ... must be nice" I heard this so much from one of my so called friends I finally said. "You know what... No one has EVER given me anything, I have earned everything in my life and it has never been easy"

And I know this is true with you as well! Hold your head high Debbie and enjoy your FABULOUS shoe collection!

AJ

Veteran

I guess it would depend on HOW she said it. With a smile? In a shocked tone?

Maybe she's not that into fashion, so she never considered that shoes can add oomph to an outfit.

I know that just three or four years ago, I wouldn't have thought that I would need more than a black and brown purse and some gold jewelry as finishing touches.

I'm not good with quick comebacks so I probably would have had the same reaction. : )

Maya

Veteran

Uggghhh, Debbie, I actually genuinely wonder if anyone will ever say that to me. No one has yet, but I can totally see it happening.

It's totally expected to me, unfortunately. That doesn't excuse it nor am I saying it isn't totally rude...just that I am hyper aware of the silly things people say/think...

Anyway, sorry she made you feel self conscious. I wouldn't let it bother you.

Kyle

Veteran

An employee of a client once remarked that they must be paying me too much because I was wearing a leather jacket. Huh? I think this was a case of someone engaging his mouth before his brain. Perhaps this was the case in your situation, Debbie. But it would have been easy enough to instead compliment you on your exceptionally stylish footwear collection.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Yes, and very recently. I'm still pretty raw right now because it came from someone who I thought was a good friend.

Debbie

Veteran

Oh Annagybe I'm sorry this happened to you.

Scarlet

Veteran

If someone is actually noticing what shoes you wear every time they see you, I would say this comment is coming from a place of either admiration or jealousy, depending on her tone. People not interested in shoes would not give it that much thought. A friend said something like this to me once, not snippy but a little critical nonetheless, and I said, look, you spend money on your hobbies, and this is one of mine. She seemed to actually get that.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Debbie. Sorry to hear about this incident. Anna, you too. Just remember that it's nobody's business but your own how you choose to spend your money. And that's the end of the story

Louise

Veteran

What a rude woman!!
The only such incident I've had like this is with my BF's daughter. She said "mummy says you have lots of lovely clothes and shoes and a nice car not like us" I told her that Daddy didn't pay for any of my things I worked full time (unlike her mother- not that I said that bit just thought it and she sells all the nice stuff we send you!!) and paid for all my own clothes, shoes and car x

April

Veteran

Debbie, it stings to feel judged, doesn't it? Sorry this happened, but Angie is right -- it's nobody's business.

Something similar happened to me just yesterday, though not clothing-related. I'm having some repairs done to my front porch (big stuff, involving cement work) and the contractor brought a crew of three, so four men in total. I got home after the crew had left yesterday and my neighbor rushed out to exclaim over how many guys had been working at my house all day, and to say, "I thought to myself, 'How can she afford THAT?'"

My porch has needed repair for 15 years, so it's hardly like I'm standing on the lawn setting fire to hundred-dollar bills, but that's how the comment made me feel.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Not sure what the situation between your grandson and her son was, but my guess is that if this comment immediately followed that discussion, she was angry or afraid about that and decided to take it out on you personally.

Not a very lovely human being. ((((hugs)))) Debbie!

Sparky

Veteran

Yuck. People can be cruel sometimes without quite meaning to. From what you describe, it sounds like she was on the defensive, so I think her comment stems from that. If it weren't your shoes, she would probably have found something else to comment on negatively (and yes, I'm assuming what she said came across as a criticism). She's just lashing out. Don't let it get to you.

Anna, I'm so sorry you had this happen to you as well.

Isabel

Veteran

Hi Debbie, first, you are such a good woman to be raising your grandson and to be so involved. I agree with Laura, I don't think that the situation and the comment were coincidental. She was taking a jab at you. It wasn't really a question, after all, it was a very passive aggressive comment. So BOO to her ! People do silly things at silly times. Just shrug your shoulders and move on. It is her problem, not yours.

This happened to me once about 25 years ago. A coworker who outwardly disliked me once said, " For crying out loud, how many coats can one person own ? "

I once read that the way to address is it is to defuse them and say one of two things :
" Wow, I had no idea you paid attention to what I wear. " then change the subject or," Yes, my life is abundant. Especially with good people. "

Debbie

Veteran

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling better about it now. I think you are correct she was angry and decided I was as good of a target as any.

Lisa

Veteran

I've had this happen at work. One time, the comment was in reference to the quantity of shoes I have. The second time it was in reference to the fact that many of my shoes are Cole Haan. I challenged that person to wear a different pair of shoes everyday for a week. When they did that with no problem, I challenged them to another week. Needless to say, they don’t question the quantity anymore. For the second time around, I told that person I like to buy shoes that last, which lets me build up my collection and left it at that. Some people I think are just jealous or want to spread their negativity.

Aida

Veteran

Some people don't handle confrontations gracefully. Sounds like she was just being snippy, definitely no need to be hurt by it. Besides, if you love fashion having a fabulous shoe collection is just that, fabulous!

Irene

Veteran

My friends do it all the time, especially with the shoes, because I do have many shoes (especially if you compare with how many they have). This is because
a) I love shoes
b) the shoes I buy tend to be good quality & not too trendy, so I can use them for years and since I have so many, I don't overuse them.

On the contrary, they buy new shoes every one or two years. The same happens with coats. I don't know, I guess it's because my family will rather buy good quality things that last than not-so-good and cheaper stuff that only lasts a couple of years. That said, I don't take it personally. Maybe it is because I know they don't say it to hurt me, I think it's more of an appreciation. Like when they see me with something new (or that they haven't seen) and are like 'hey, is that new? i really like it', so I'll take it as a compliment.

Anyways, like the girls have said, what you spend your money on is nobodyelse's bussiness (apart from husband/boyfriend/person you share your life and house with).

Auburn

Veteran

Ugh, I hate this.
I've most definitely experienced it (I call them jellyfishers). I even have had my mother do this to me, as in "oh of COURSE you just HAD to get Tory Burch flats even though you just pay for the name." Um, what's it to you mom? I bought them with my money and, guess what, I love them! I just repeat that the issues and lack of decorum lie squarely with the one delivering these lines, NOT with you (or me).

If someone hits you with that line again, just look at them sweetly and say, in a saccharine sweet voice (I'm a firm believe in the kill them with kindness maxim), "Variety sure is the spice of life!" They'll have no retort, I promise.

judy

Veteran

Yes, I have! Sorry that happened to you, Debbie. Sounds like her claws came out! I love it when I can channel my inner comedienne and smile and say something funny that diffuses the tension. But those moments have been rare.

Barbara

Veteran

debbie, I've never had anyone ask me about my shoe collection, but once when I was on vacation with my sister, we were lounging at the local pool with our young children. A woman to whom my sister had just introduced me asked, "What do YOU do?" A standard question to be sure, but snippily rendered with upturned nose.

At the time I was not working, spending lots of quality time with my toddler son. My answer: "Whatever I want to."

My sister says it's the best comeback she's ever heard.

Carole

Veteran

Barbara-that's perfect! Love it!

It's amazing to me that people can be so rude and hurtful.I have never been quick on my feet, I usually just sit there stunned with a surprised look on my face and think of the perfect thing to say 2 hours later! But I think the biggest thing I've learned is that it works to my advantage to not get defensive. Walking away works fine too. So sorry you had to experience such ugliness!

Sally

Veteran

When I went to the states last year, I went with an empty suitcase and told everybody that I was going to shop seriously when I got there as I had refrained from shopping all year. I didn't shop that much considering...but my MIL said one day when I had been to the mall "and have you finished shopping yet?" I said "no I still have a bit more to do" Anyway her children were embarrassed. I did buy 4 pairs of shoes, 5 pairs of jeans, tops, 2 jackets, a dress and a coat...not that bad considering that I had gone with money to spend on clothes....then I lost weight and its all too big for me!

JewelryGirl

Something to think about - we all have a "filter" based on our own experiences. She may have said it one way (based on her experiences, thoughts, etc.). However, we may "filter" something like this & internalize it completely differently (based on our own experiences, thoughts, etc.). Make sense? It may very well have been meant as a compliment that just wasn't articulated well. Hard to guess the true intent...

lynne

Veteran

I agree, it sounds like she was defensive. I've had the same sort of comment in both friendly and unfriendly ways. I had a student (4th grader) say to me " You wear a different pair of shoes EVERY day!" I've found the best response is just a smile, or something like "Aren't you sweet to notice".

Heather

Veteran

I think people forget to mash their "inner monologue" button sometimes. Brush off the inquisitions and don your cute fashions!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

That is so aggravating! My sister does it to me all the time....whenever I wear something new she immediately hounds me with 'you're buying MORE clothes?' which I dont do all that often...or my 'favorite' 'how much did THAT cost?' She thinks its 'stupid' and 'wasting money' to shop anywhere but a thrift store...and that if you can get it on it fits fine! arrgghh!

lynne

Veteran

Biscuitsmom, my sister used to do that, too, until I just started making up numbers. "How much did you pay for that?" "$14,000". Said with a smile, it shut her up.

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