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Hair as a (non)accessory

Bee

Hi all! I am new to this forum, and really happy to be here. I shortly participated a really long time ago, but the username and password have been long lost to history. I am in a new phase of (re)building my closet and thinking hard about my style, and who I am, vs. who I want to be. My goal is, in Angie's words from today's post, "creating a signature style and evolving it over time." Mostly creating right now. My username is meant to remind me to be true to myself, because I feel like I can get lost so easily. I hope that being part of this group will help me stay more grounded and more intentional about what I buy, sew, and wear.

Today, I wanted to share with you one of my biggest struggles in self-acceptance. It is my hair. It's curly and frizzy and wild, and never looks the same twice. For about 2 decades, I have been straightening it with irons and chemicals, but about 1.5 years ago I decided to embrace my natural self, stopped all straighteners, and did a big chop to cut off all the damage. However, I'm not used to seeing myself with short hair. Or curly hair. I feel like I look better in longer, sleeker styles, but I'm learning to accept who I really am. It can be difficult at times.

Sometimes my hair feels like an attention drawing accessory, or a statement, and I don't always want to be making a statement every time I'm out. I even feel like I can't wear certain styles of clothing because it feels overwhelming. For example, I love skinny jeans, but it feels like a big mane makes the top really voluminous while the bottom is really skinny, and the outfit feels weird and unbalanced. However, I do like it with wide legged cropped pants and oversized jackets, because then everything is oversized. This makes me lean more into these looser, wider styles (which still feel like me!), instead of skinny, body-hugging pieces. If I tie it back, then it looks okay with everything. I used to pull it into a bun all the time trying to hide it for many years, so I'm trying to work on learning to love the loose hairstyle and incorporate it into my signature style.

Do you find that your hair color, style, length, or shape dictates what kind of clothes you end up accepting into your wardrobe? Does it influence or even define your signature style? Do you find that it prevents you from rocking something you'd otherwise go for? Or perhaps you treat it as a neutral, like a pair of blue jeans that go with everything, and don't consider it a big part of your overall outfit?

I'd love to hear from you if anyone feels like sharing their thoughts, tips, or struggles! Thanks in advance!

General

35 replies

Latest reply was from Bee

CarolS

Veteran

I agree that hair length, colour, style affects how I feel in an outfit. Boho looks with a very corporate hairstyle would feel "off" to me, for example!

I very much encourage you to embrace your hair's natural beauty and find ways to take full advantage of it. I reject the idea that hair has to be ironed flat to be beautiful! Plus, I always envied curly hair.

Irina

Veteran

Oh, how I understand your struggle! I have a complete opposite of your hair. I colored and lightly permed my hair for most of my life to give it more life and volume. I went grey a few years ago and hair reverted to its natural straight, fine state. Its healthy but also so thin and silky. Any attempt to style it is very short lived. I struggle to find ways to give it more volume as I absolutely hate how it looks so flat. I have a small head and used to use volume in my hair to balance some of my outfits, like puffers or bulky scarves. I can’t say my current hair prevents me from wearing some styles but I would say that slick, short haircuts that are often recommended by hairstylists for my type of hair do not reflect my overall style. I’m trying hard to accept my natural hair, I absolutely love the color but not the texture, it is a battle, I admit. The only way to go forward that I see is to find a hairstylist who would know how to work with you type of hair. My friend with curly hair was fortunate to find one who cuts layers in her hair beautifully. I’m still looking for one who gets my hair and also my style.

Bee

Irina, I really appreciate your sharing your struggle. The volume problem is real. Whether too much or too little, I feel like it really affects the overall feeling of balance and proportion. It can be so hard to find a hairstyle that feels like "us" and actually works with the hair we have. I hope you succeed in that endeavor soon.

Style can be difficult to match to, because they see us so little, and even then, we're covered up by a robe! They can match to facial features, but it's so much harder to pin down the lifestyle and taste preferences. It can also be hard to put things like that into words to explain to them what we mean, without resorting to sweeping generalizations like boho, edgy, modern, soft romantic, or the Rachel.

I found a stylist who listens and does things how I want, but the problem is that I don't always know what will look good, and what looks good on other people may not work well for my hair, even when I bring pictures to show what I have in mind. So a lot of trial and error. I think next time I'll give her a bit more freedom instead of direction and see what happens. The worst is when they don't listen, or give everyone the exact same haircut, because that's what they know best.

I found that a good tool to find hairstylists can be through Instagram. Sometimes I'll browse the websites of local salons (which I find on Google maps) and look on their Instagram accounts. Some of them post frequent examples of their clients' before and afters, which can help determine if you like the cut (hehe) of their jib. I try to find the stylists' individual accounts rather than salon's in general, so that when you're booking you can request a particular person.

kkards

Veteran

interesting...i do treat my hair as an accessory, but not one that needs to match with clothing, more like a way to change things up (maybe small things, but still change) without having to change everything.for example, up until the middle of October i was blonde, now i'n a sort of latte colored brunette, 2 years ago it was striped in the front. in the past 5 years i've added and grown out and added back bangs....back in my college days i wore my hair short and spiky, but dressed like a totally preppie...i think we can be more than 1 thing and you can dress one way, and wear your hair another. the important thing is to be comfortable with what ever works for you.

Bee

CarolS, thank you for the response and encouragement! I do feel like it's sometimes difficult, but also possible to embrace the natural beauty of all types of hair. I am reminded of an article I saw online titled "Why everyone on TV has the same hair," which really shows the lack of variety or diversity of women's hairstyles portrayed in the media, and can really amplify the sense of difference from reality to the "ideal." I'm trying to overcome this and hope to find ways to fully embrace and take advantage of my natural state, as you suggest!

Bee

kkards - that is an excellent perspective! We really can be more than 1 thing, and I love the emphasis on feeling comfortable with whatever that means.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I totally understand where you are coming from beeyou but from the opposite end of the spectrum.Like Irina l have thin,fine flat hair and have spent a lot of my life with the sneaking feeling that outfits would look a whole lot better if I had nicer hair.l know it’s probably not much comfort but other people probably don’t view your hair in the same way that you do.l was discussing this point with a friend and she seemed genuinely surprised that I had fine hair .I try and vary my haircuts ,colour and styles to make my “look” more interesting .l have learnt that there is no point fighting your hair s natural tendencies,making the best of it is the way I choose to go.

Anonymous

I've always wondered if it's a chicken-and-egg situation with hair/style. Do we adapt our style to work with the hair we've been given, or is it the other way around? My fine, cowlicky hair looks best short and layered, which makes me feel like I'm playing dress-up when I try to wear super-feminine and "pretty" clothes.

Lesley

Veteran

1000 times, yes! I feel you as a fellow curly girl who has always felt that severe, sleek bobs (with or without bangs) would better suit my style personality.

That said, I saw your photo before I started reading, and I thought you had the hippest look!

And that said, I've been not straightening my hair for 18 years now, so at this point curly feels more me. But I identify; curly is a little inherently romantic, and given that I feel like a cartoonish modernist inside, it can be hard to square the two away.

The way I have dealt with it may not be your answer, since I find keeping it shoulder length or even shorter (see my pic) is what helps it feel modern. I also don't color my hair, so I feel like it's the best way to make my gray streaks look deliberate, rather than "she's let herself go." Good products and a good haircut make a world of difference. I don't have time for any stylist or product that doesn't *get* the whole curly thing.

Irina

Veteran

Thanks for the suggestion to check Instagram, haven’t thought of it. I gave a creative control to hairdressers before but one needs a really great person for that.

Three years ago I got a very light perm, wave actually. I didn’t want curls, all I wanted is to change the texture. It was close to my son’s wedding and didn’t want to fret about my hair on such an important occasion. It really worked, I straightened it with blow drying and styling held through the day despite humidity. But chemicals lightened my hair’s natural color. And I don’t want to change it, it is my signature and such a part of who I’m right now. Well meaning friends suggested I color my hair, I would look younger and it will help with texture. But I don’t want to look younger, I want to look “ageless” doesn’t make sense?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I don't have curly hair. But my stepdaughter does, and I know it can be the most challenging hair to work with, for those who lack experience. A good hairdresser is key!

I feel most myself with short hair, and luckily it suits me. (Or do I feel most myself with it because it suits me? Hmmmm.) However, my hair is thick and requires a lot of thinning to work in a short (or a longer) style. Times when I wore my hair longer, I did find I needed to experiment with different necklines, especially, than those I prefer when wearing shorter hair. I also found my overall look much "softer" than I prefer (probably because my hair has some wave) and classic items looked more boring. So I do think hair can influence signature style.

Gaylene

Veteran

Does my hair influence—or even define—my personal style? YES!—and no!

For decades, my sleek, dark, geometric bob was the defining aspect of my personal style. That shape was the perfect foil for the clean, classic, crisp styles which I adored and which suited my tall, IT body.

Six years ago a move to the damp PNW and emerging grey hair changed everything. My hair morphed into a frizzy, fussy mop which fought with my eyewear, clothes, and personality. My attempts to “soften” my personal style into a more feminine—or boho—or arty, Eileen Fisher look—left me even more frustrated.

The turning point came when I picked up a friend at a salon and was moaning about my hair woes when my friend emerged with the hair that I wanted so badly. Her stylist looked at me and said “Well, I know what I’d like to do with your hair”. He was talented, expensive, and my first cuts, frankly, weren’t that great. Better to be sure—but still not great. The key, though, was me learning to be patient and to trust my stylist during this period of trial and error. What we both realized was what I wanted was a return to my former cut but with the dramatic volume I could achieve from letting my fine curls do their thing. I would never be a “curly” girl, but I could use my new texture to morph my beloved geometric bob into a new version of itself which worked with my personal style.

The lesson I learned was that our hair and style preferences don’t change just because we move or grow older. Acknowledging and honoring those preferences is how our personal style emerges. Staying true to our personal style, though, does not mean becoming fixated on keeping things the same as they were in the past. Treat your hair as you would the rest of your wardrobe—figure out what’s not working, keep an open mind as you explore new possibilities, and be patient while you are re-building. Your hair is a key element in your personal style so give it the attention it deserves as you work through the re-building process. And, remember, unlike clothes, poor hair decisions aren’t destined to become expensive closet “orphans”.

Lesley

Veteran

Ooh, Gaylene, I kinda want to see a photo.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

What Gaylene said here, hits the nail on the head:

"Treat your hair as you would the rest of your wardrobe—figure out what’s not working, keep an open mind as you explore new possibilities, and be patient while you are re-building. Your hair is a key element in your personal style so give it the attention it deserves as you work through the re-building process".

I don't have curly hair beeyou, but enjoy that it's a magnificent statement on others. There are LOTS with curly hair on this forum, and I know they will be happy to share their tips. You can switch things up, and wear your hair a few ways, I imagine.

I'm a short hair gal, and like Suz, feel my best with short hair. I change it up a lot though, and enjoy the change of growing out bits and cutting them off! I wear my hair wavy and straight equally and regularly. I am blonde and hightlight the top. I enjoy sporting two-toned hair.

My hair and eyewear are often the edgiest parts about my style, so I feel that these two accessories neutralize/juxtapose and make the "pretty and classic" that I often enjoy wearing feel dead right! My hair affects my style, and my style affects my hair

nemosmom

Veteran

I totally get where you are coming from. My hair color is naturally a vibrant copper so it often serves as the statement in an outfit, whether I want it to or not. It makes it challenging for me to have the confidence to wear clothing with much color or pattern. When I was little, my mom dressed me in bright aquas, fuscias, bright blues, and I always felt very "loud". I am trying to experiment with more color, but it is challenging.

My hair is also thick, very coarse, and curly, with a mind of it's own. The wrong cut can make it lay like a mullet, or like clown hair, depending on how frizzy my hair wants to be on a given day. Blow-drying it takes FOREVER, and it never lays straight. I've tried perms, and straighteners, and keratin treatments that were expensive to try to maintain and I never really liked the result.

The Cat

Veteran

Welcome back to the forum! I hope you will find the courage, support and inspiration to "embrace" the beauty of your natural hair and make it a part of your total style. This will most probably give you a look that is harmonious as well as personal and striking.

My own hair is thick, wavy and short, and the colour is silver. Up through the years, I have had many different hairstyles, but after I stopped trying to change my hair (make it straight or curly, let it grow to shoulder length, colour it, etc.), I look and feel much better. Today, my hair is very much a part of my style, as I dress in colours and textures which are in harmony with my hair. And the (relatively short) length suits my inner gamine and my casually elegant and slightly playful dressing style as well as my busy lifestyle.

Imogen Lamport at insideoutstyleblog.com has written several blog posts with lots of tips on how to create harmonious outfits by repeating elements of your physical appearance (such as your hair texture) in your dressing style. Here are some that might be of interest to you:
https://insideoutstyleblog.com.....rmony.html
https://insideoutstyleblog.com.....-hair.html
https://insideoutstyleblog.com.....brics.html

rachylou

Veteran

I’m terrible at hair. Unless it’s a bob, it’s a wreck. And a bob is a little too slick for my personality... so my style is RATE (rough around the edges) and I’m just running with it...

Bee

Cardiff girl - that's a great perspective! We can really be our own worst critics, when other people don't even notice the "flaws"!

lisa p - ha, indeed! They probably both inform one another in a circle of sartorial life. I feel you on the super-feminine clothes. I feel like a Disney princess wannabe whenever I put on ruffles or the skirt is on the full side.

Lesley - thank you! I love your curly bob. It looks modern and very French chic, and it's awesome that you found a style that's closer to your personality. I have to discover how I can do that for my style as well, but it may be a little harder when I have't fully figured out my style persona yet. It's an exciting process for sure though!

Irina - ageless makes so much sense!!

Suz - finding a stylist who specialized in curls was a complete game changer. Before, I did not dare wear my curly hair in public! Shorter hair can definitely make the outfit seem sharper and more structured, and it's awesome that your hair complements and enhances your style!

Gaylene - I love this so much! Thank you for sharing. It's refreshing to think of the style building process as gradual, iterative, and intentional, and to consider hair as part of the package.

Angie - it seems like the small changes in hairstyle can really make it more interesting day to day! I usually wear it either up or down, but may need to switch it up every once in a while to not feel like I'm "locked in" and maybe discover something new.

nemosmom - yes! Loud. That's how I feel too. I also prefer neutral and subdued styles, and I wonder if it has something to do with having crazy hair!

The Cat - thank you for the encouragement! I really hope I can achieve "a look that is harmonious as well as personal and striking." You put it so beautifully. The Imogen Lamport posts are really interesting. I never felt good in fabrics that are shiny like satin, and I wonder if it's because of the opposite texture from my hair! I only glanced at the blog briefly now, but I will be pouring over every detail in a few hours.

rachylou - haha! I love your attitude

Lesley

Veteran

The Cat! I have never heard Imogen's theories before, and I have yet to decide whether they are accurate or completely zany, or both! What's your take? Makes me want to go analyze all my clothes and see if I feel better in the textured pieces or smooth ones! Could this be why I like lots of patterns in an outfit?

Beeyou, the stripey boatneck goes a long way to making my French chic dreams come true. Again, I could say the same for you in your simple black scoop neck!

The Cat

Veteran

beeyou, your curls are beautiful, so I hope they will become an integrated part of your style. And while satin is probably not ideal for you, there are so many other interesting fabrics and textures to choose from. Perhaps velvet, corduroy, tweed, boucle, or soft, loosely knitted items will be perfect for you?

Lesley, Imogen is wise, but those theories are not hers alone. Many other stylists, too, will advise you to repeat elements of your physical appearance in your clothing style. This applies for colours, texture, shine, patterns, lines, details, etc. (Of course it is up to you to decide to which degree you want to follow such advice. But it might be worth experimenting--and see how you feel and what kind of feedback you get from others.)

Another famous stylist who has written much on this subject is Lisa Pippus in Berlin. And as far as I know, this concept became popular decades ago, in particular when Carla Mathis wrote "The Triumph of Individual Style."

cindysmith

Veteran

Back when I dyed my hair red, my mom made an observation that a certain hot pink sweater didn't look good on me because of the proximity to the hair color. I still won't bring hot pink into my wardrobe even though the red hair is years behind me in favor of my natural white.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

beeyou, your hair in your profile picture looks great to me and not too overwhelming. My hair is a statement because of its color more than its curl (and my haircut), but I don't see it as limiting what I wear but rather enabling me to wear what I want without ever thinking is this too young, trendy, edgy, etc. for me. Because that is how I like to dress. Your hair should enable you to do the same with how you want to dress.
And, fwiw, there are lots of people with very big hair here, and they just own it skinny jeans and all!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

On the subject of repeating aspects of our natural physical appearance -- Angie recently complemented a forum member whose paisley top echoed the curls in her hair (I think it was Barbara Diane). And the whole idea of "bookending" (i.e. matching or nearly matching hair colour to footwear) is based on the same concept.

I definitely repeat elements in my outfits in order to create cohesion-- most often I do this with colour. (I have blue eyes and wear a LOT of blue; I have silver hair and like silver accessories and white in patterns, silver or grey bags or footwear, a silver or white item in an outfit...). But I also sometimes repeat lines or patterns. For example, I have angular features and an angular hairstyle and I also like clothes with diagonal patterns or lines.

Bee

Thank you so much to everyone for their input! It was really therapeutic to read everyone's responses and personal experiences. I found so much encouragement and inspiration, and look forward to figuring out what works and what doesn't, with an understanding that it is a continuous, experimental journey to be taken with mindfulness and patience.

The idea of repeating elements of one's personal appearance in one's clothing really sparked something inside. This is not a theory I have heard before, so thank you so much to The Cat for sharing! I think I will experiment with more softness and femininity. As Lesley said, curls can appear somewhat more "romantic," and perhaps I should embrace that element instead of fighting it, and see whether I can incorporate it in a way that still feels like me. I am especially excited to try a trapeze-shaped dress to mimic the shape of my haircut, A-lines in general, and maybe even a pyramid-shaped flowy boho dress??? Who is this person?!

Lesley - thank you! Probably 80% of my wardrobe is black. I'm trying to branch out, I swear!

The Cat - I feel especially drawn to linen lately. I live in Texas, so it's a fiber I can wear year round. Not sure if the texture is strong enough to complement my hair, but I think I'd be very comfortable starting there. Or maybe boucle to live out my Chanel dreams.

cindysmith - I know a redhead who doesn't like to wear hot pink straight, but loves to incorporate it in other ways, such as small drops of the color in the fabric pattern, or pink shoes with an otherwise neutral outfit. Seems like a good way to play with a color that maybe doesn't like you as much!

shevia - thank you for the encouragement! Your hair looks so fab, and I love that you use it as an enabler rather than as a limitation.

Suz - I love your example of how you use repeating elements of your appearance in your wardrobe. Specifics like that helps me visualize what it all means in practice.

Liesbeth

Veteran

I'm very much like Irina and agree that wearing lots of volume feels wrong for me with my flat hair (and my slender build too, to be honest). I have also learnt to wear my hair down as to me, that makes my neutral-heavy, tomboyish outfits wearable as opposed to too masculine or severe. It was even better when I still had my perm (profile pic), I do love how curls soften masculine looks.

Sal

Veteran

I can relate to this and your feelings. I like your attitude - and I always wanted dark curls!

I know when my hair is short or long, blonder or darker - I do feel different clothing suits me. Especially necklines!

The beauty with longer hair is the ability to tie it it up when that suits you.

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

I'm also learning to love my natural hair after decades of wishing I had pin straight locks! Mine is a little unruly in that it's wavy but also curly, especially when it gets longer (I had mine cut to just under the ears before but now that it's grown out to below the shoulders, I have ringlets at the ends but waves above).

I'm maybe the opposite to you in that I feel my looks are more balanced when I have one oversized & one slimmer element in the SAME outfit. I've found that having certain silhouettes with certain hairstyles helps a little bit. For example, I like pleated maxi skirts like the one you wore above, but I only wear them as part of my work capsule with my hair up (I'm not sure if yours would be long enough but I put my hair up on top of my head, instead of at the back, because I don't like it when it looks too flat). Similarly, I wear my slimmer skirts at the weekend, when my hair is looser (either in a low ponytail or totally out - occasionally low plaits if I feel like it).

All this to say that there's no one 'right' way to rock curly hair. Sometimes I want it to make a statement, so I pair it with equally bold earrings (tiny studs just get lost in my mane, lol). I also had a fringe recently put in (like curtain bangs) & that makes a big difference in being able to keep the romantic volume to my looks even when my hair is up or plaited. But if you like your hair to look sleek, you should embrace that - it's still possible to do that with curls (see below)!

I did find that the outfits I wore automatically looked more chic when my hair was shorter, without me having to try as hard with accessories or scarves etc. But I'd also look into the type of short cut that you get, if I were you. It sounds like you prefer a sleeker look, so could going shorter with a more rounded look achieve that more readily than a longer & more triangular shape? It's ultimately up to you of course, but one thing I hadn't considered much (when my hair was longer) was that not all short curly cuts are created equally. A curly hair specialist is a godsend for haircuts that look better natural than straightened (I wait until I'm back in the UK to see mine - I don't know if your area has similar ones?) Good luck!

Bijou

Veteran

Bee I have wavy hair. It can be hard to style so often I end up using my straightening irons after blow drying it, just to get some definition in my curls and get rid of the frizz factor. For years I straightened it - but it was a losing battle to keep it straight. At first I felt weird with my waves, it took about 6 months to get used to not having straight hair. Now I am so used to it being curled or wavy that I get shocked to see photos of myself with my hair long and straight. I like to keep my hair at a length where I can tie it up - so on bad hair days or when exercising, that is always an option.

notsaf

Veteran

I've really enjoyed reading this post. I'm also naturally curly/wavy and am gradually transitioning to not dying or straightening my hair. I love keeping my hair down or half down (it's often tied back in a half pony with a small barrette) and am currently most interested in hair health, moisture, and shine, no matter the texture. But I love the trend for puffy curly hair and curly bangs, which I seem to reflect that do-your-own-thing spirit. You hair reminds me a bit of this woman's, which I like a lot: https://www.manrepeller.com/20.....-care.html

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