I had debated about not coloring my hair for a few years now. I am less than 25% gray and am 57. I think I will continue not only because how it makes me look, but also how I feel when I am not gray. I am a diy, but a demi permanent which covers my grays very well and my hair looks great. The demipermanent actually turns the grays into highlights which blends in well.

I met my mother-in-law when she was 50 and completely gray. I was shocked to hear she was 50 because she looked so much older. My DH went all gray in his 40s, but he was light/platinum blonde to begin with so it did not look too different. My DD has light blonde hair and wonder if she will go gray in her 40s. Her aunt, my SIL, colors her hair blonde and she is older than me. She definitely looks younger than her mother did at the same age.

Although I struggle with all the same things everyone has already mentioned, I still find it kind of sad that so many people view greying hair as unkempt or like a person has given up (or whatever the opposite of intentional might be). I'm all for looking one's best and I'm not anti-hair colour, but it is unfortunate that the pressures on a woman to deny her age are so strong that people almost immediately colour instead of even waiting to see what their greying pattern might look like.

Ultimately, I feel about this the same way I feel about drastic cuts: sometimes it is time for a big change, and in the end it's only hair. You can always colour it again (or grow out a short cut), so why not give it a shot?

I have some greying right up near my part in front (which makes sense, as apparently sun exposure contributes to greying as well). For now I don't colour it. I occasionally have my hair dresser run a gloss through my hair, but that doesn't have any colour and just smooths things a bit. I still haven't decided if I ever will go with a permanent dye, but I do know that I'd love to have long, crazy grey "artist" hair at some point! I love the look of long grey hair. But attached is the photo of what I hope my hair might look like in another 5 or 6 years (in my dreams, right? Who knows if this photo is even natural). And then what I hope my hair looks like someday (both photos courtesy of the Pinterest board posted earlier).

What an interesting thread and one I feel qualified to comment on, lol. Like many, I started to go gray early, with a noticeable streak in my brunette bangs by 30. For a decade, I had it colored, then around 40 I got curious and grew it out. Some brunettes turn a "steel" color first, kind of a noncolor...it was very aging and I went back to color. Then when I got closer to 50 (those 10 year cycles also had to do with the toll color was taking on my fine hair), I had my stylist switch me to blonde so I could grow it out less noticeably, and this time when it finally grew out, it was a keeper! Much more silvery, less aging. Could be related to the age appropriateness someone commented on earlier in the thread.

Here are my takeaways: pros - my hair is much healthier and I get compliments often, but I splurge for a "young" cut every 6 to 8 weeks, still a bargain without the cost of color. No roots! And no brittleness or damage to now thinner midlife hair. Cons - I had to give up wearing some colors that I loved on me as a brunette but are too strong with my current coloring. And while my hair is still very shiny, it lacks some of the body it got from the "plumping" that color adds to the hair shaft.

Caveat: I do think it can matter where you work, as well as where you live. I moved from Texas to New Mexico, and noticed a big difference between coloring (TX) and not coloring (NM) much easier to go with the flow for your industry or locale. Good luck with your choice, and if you grow it out and don't like it, you can always go back to color!

I am always interested in these threads because I have a lot of conflicting feelings about going grey (or salt and pepper if you prefer!) I also have had an almost universally positive response to my hair - but it might have been the haircut that started it all. And it may simply be that people with negative opinions just don't say anything (in real life and here for that matter).

So I had been coloring my hair since about the age of 27 and by my mid-40's the roots would start bothering me after 2 weeks. I compared myself not the day after a professional touch up but most days when my roots were beginning to emerge and I felt unkempt (on top of my naturally RATE looks). My original hair color is very dark, nearly black and the roots were almost white so the contrast was stark. I decided to try no dye, but I was completely open to going back (and still am). But I don't want to.

I agree with the above that good hair care and haircuts are what keep me feeling good about my hair. I don't necessarily agree that curly hair cannot have a edgy haircut. My hair is not super curly but it is coarse and tends to be dry. My current haircut looks current and a bit edgy to me at least!

This can be a very hard decision! I am 53 and started highlighting at 48, and at that time I had no gray in my dark brown hair. I just wanted the color to look softer. Somewhere along the line my colorist started touching up my roots without telling me--I was getting some gray. Right now I don't have a lot of gray, but when my hair grows I do have various bright white hairs standing out against my dark brown roots, and I really don't like how they look! I have that kind of wavy/messy hair and the whites are even more unruly. Luckily I can get away with coloring every 10-12 weeks.

I always thought I would gray naturally. I thought I would be like my dad, who silvered beautifully starting in his 30s, or like my mom who didn't have a gray hair till she was 65. She's still mostly dark brown at 79. But I don't want to have dark brown hair with several wild bright white ones. I work, but in a profession where age is not penalized.

I have agonized this a lot, though! It was really hard for me to figure out what felt right for me. So take the time you need!

I was wondering along the lines of DonnaF -- can you try it or will it " blow your cover" and you can't go back? Like guys who grow a beard and then go, whoops! Often people know who's coloring anyway. Then we adapt pretty easily and if someone " colored""" again it might look off at first but then everyone would move on. Just don't get in any corporate photos!
I was hoping, since it's hair, that these decisions are not so permanent!

In my late 40's, I went back and forth about coloring. My hair was dark brown and started greying in my early 40's. For a few years I regularly colored it, thinking I felt too young to have grey hair. Then I started waiting between colorings. If it had stayed at a "salt and pepper" stage, I probably would have left it to do its thing. I actually received quite a few compliments when it was a nice mix of brown and grey. But it went past that to primarily grey. I love how I look as a dark brunette and wasn't ready to be all grey. So, for now, I'm back to coloring it regularly. At some point I plan to stop. My birthmother has beautiful white hair; I'd enjoy that look when I'm older.

I think we have debated this before

I am 43 and highlighted, dyed and now colouring grey for over 20 yrs. It is something I like to do. I have changed the colour a bit. As I have roots very quickly my 'blonde' matches it more closely, I am sure as it goes more and more grey, I will lighten to be more platinum (if it suits my skin)

I do buy clothes but not really expensive ones so my hair is kind of my 'personal spending'. I go every 5 weeks without fail, I never miss an appointment, it makes me feel good about myself.

We are moving this summer and I am dreading finding someone new.

I work for a very large company, and while not sexist or racist, I believe they are agist. I will colour my hair for as long as I work. Just as an aside, my mother 67, colours hers too.

I once asked my stylist about letting it go grey. He snickered and said 'If you weren't such a mousy colour, yours will not be a pretty grey'..I suppose I should take that with a grain of salt, I am sure I single handedly contribute to his retirement funds LOL

As a greying brunette of 65 who has never had any interest in coloring her hair, I really think it depends on how you prefer to see yourself. Some women like to experiment with hair color while others don't. Highlights, lowlights, streaks, full-on neon shades--do what whatever makes you happy when you see yourself in the mirror.

But I do object to pressure being placed on a woman to "fix" her greying hair if she wants to look aesthetically pleasing she ages, or to the implication that we, as women, NEED to color our hair in order to keep our place in society. Maybe a very skilled colorist can make dyed hair on an under 40 woman look convincing enough to seem "natural", but the reality is that very few women, especially in their fifties and older, who dye their hair appear to be sporting their "natural" shade. Which is totally fine, but seems at odds with the idea that dyeing one's hair is a way of camouflaging the fact that one is aging.

I also object very strongly to the notion that curly or wavy grey hair looks "unkempt" and unfashionable but "messy" styles in other shades, natural or not, are OK. To my eye, a woman who can wear a "messy" look at 60 is a woman who can wear that style in whatever color she wants. My personal preference is for a more polished look on an older woman but a great cut and well-maintained locks are more important for this look than the color one is sporting.

I'm more than a bit bemused as to why grey hair seems like the last hurdle we women need to get over when it comes to self-acceptance. Maybe once we older women start sporting our grey hair with confidence and pride, the rest of society will begin to accept that grey is just another color.

Gaylene, so beautifully said. Couldn't agree more.

I applaud your post, Gaylene.

I hope no one takes my comments the wrong way. I do not like grey hair *on me* at this particular moment in my life. I don't like the way it behaves on my head, and I don't care for the way my hair looks or feels when the greys appear. But I my preference is colored (no pun intended) by my style preferences and struggles I already have had with my hair my entire life, coping with the wave/curl, unruliness, texture, etc. Adding grey on top of it *for me* feels like one step too far.

Yes, I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm already "giving up" a bit just by letting my wavy frizzy hair take over these days rather than straightening it into submission.

I agree totally with an earlier comment that this is a very personal preference and decision. I am thrilled for any woman who can go grey gracefully and feel fab. My two closest friends are prime examples. But they are very different people from me, and as in everything else in life, what's best for them and what's best for me are very different things.

I'm happy we live in a time when we have such an array of tools and techniques to shape our own appearances, whether we want our hair to be a natural color or neon green.

I speak to the question of "what happens if you go gray and then decide to go back to coloring?" The answer, at least in my case, is "Some people are all excited about it, a surprising number of people don't even notice, but in any event it all dies down quickly and life goes on." LOL

I will also contribute this: A while back I read an article about cosmetic surgery, and the conclusion was that people didn't necessarily have it to look "better," or "younger," but because they wanted to continue looking like themselves. In other words, when I look in the mirror and see a saggy neck, or big bags under my eyes, that's not consistent with the "me" I feel on the inside, and if I ask the surgeon to fix them, it's so my outside can look like my inside feels. I think that same principle applies to gray hair, at least in my case. I don't feel like a "gray haired lady" (not that there's anything wrong with being one, but it's not "me"), so I color my hair to match my inner blonde!

Choosing to let yourself be grey naturally is an incredibly personal choice and is an issue that is really difficult to provide advice on.

I started going grey at 23 (a family trait unfortunately) and certainly wasn't ready at that time and started coloring my hair - which I then continued for the next 23 years of my life. I don't regret the various colors I had over the years but it came to the point where I was tired of the expense and never-ending up keep. I spoke to my stylist at the time who encouraged me try going "au naturel" - I was 46 then. It was awful the first time and my stylist agreed that my hair itself wasn't ready - the grey I had was not enough to look like a deliberate style choice but rather like I had forgotten to color my hair. And the grey strands were very "flat" and not shiny or silvery. So I colored it again. Not a big deal.

Then at 48 we noticed that I was having to get my hair colored every 3 weeks so as not to look like a skunk. My stylist (a new one now) asked if I wanted to try stopping the coloring again and I agreed. But this time she suggested I cut my hair into a short pixie which would make the process so much easier (my hair was a chin length bob at the time). I chopped it all off and it really only took about three months to have no dye in my hair. I loved it! I had more grey now so it looked intentional and the grey had become a lovely silver color. So now I'm salt-n-pepper and I will never go back to coloring.

But you have to be ready - both emotionally because it is a big change, and physically. My stylist said you need more than 30% of your hair to be grey to look like it's a choice. An up-to-date style is absolutely key. And I will say that after, I needed to change some of my make up colors and clothing colors - the change in hair made my skin tone look a bit different and certain colors now didn't work for me. But on the flip side of that, now other colors looked fantastic.

I don't regret my choice to stop coloring at all and personally don't find that it aged me. But it's not for everyone.

I'm 52. Ever since I was a teenager, I've had dull and mousy light brown hair. When you combine that with my pale skin and eyes, you end up with one very washed out looking person. Hence, my decision to begin highlighting my hair at least 20 plus years ago. I've had to use more color, though, as I've gotten older. At some point in my 40s, after putting off color longer than usual, my stylist and I noticed that though my hair had only a few grays it had faded. It looked exactly like my mother's hair, who at 76, has only some gray hair, but a whole head of washed out brown hair that is flat and lifeless.

Not only does my mother's appearance push some buttons for me, but, as I've mentioned before, I have a chronic illness. Although technically invisible, my migraine disease has a tendency to make me appear ill: paler than usual, circles under my eyes, and like I have the flu or something. When my hair isn't colored, I feel like that makes me look sicker. And, frankly, my psyche just can't take it.

I'm all for not coloring if it works for an individual woman. Mine is totally a personal decision, and one I would change if I were comfortable with how my hair looked. If my hair does change, I'll revisit the whole thing.

I also go to a salon where they use more natural hair dyes. I figure that's the least I can do.

Like it or not, I believe that ageism does exist in the workplace. And not just for women. My husband is 57 and looks great. He's always had very oily skin and I think that has helped delay his facial wrinkles. His hair is naturally light and he wears it quite short. While he does have some gray, it blends in nicely so he doesn't have the appearance of having "gray hair."

When my grandson was born a year and a half ago, my husband didn't make any big announcement about it at the office. It's sad that he feels this way, but among coworkers and his boss, he would rather be known as the guy who is a cyclist and runs marathons than as 'grandpa.' So while his commitment to fitness is primarily for health reasons, the desire to avoid looking old is part of it too. Because he has seen that the workplace does not always value the maturity, wisdom and experience of the older worker.

I first started getting some grays in my late 20's. But I was probably in my mid 30's before I started coloring my hair and back then I just got a single process, all one color. About 8 years ago, I started getting highlights too and that has helped disguise some of the grays, which are much more plentiful now.

I am definitely not yet ready to stop coloring my hair. Part of it is not wanting to go through that painful growing out stage. When it's time to go gray, I am hoping to have the lovely silver color that my grandmother had and mine does appear to be pretty light. But I do think gray hair would make me look older and, as I mentioned, looking older is not a positive thing professionally speaking.

I hear what Gaylene is saying, and any pressure to dye my hair is self-imposed and has a lot to do with simple aesthetic preferences and self-image. My mother and sister don't dye their hair, and for several years it was about going dramatically black or penny red or other fun colors.

I also thought it had nothing to do with business expectations, but thinking about it, it does have something to do with youth. Much of my audience is younger than me as are a lot of my peers at the same stage in their career (I'm on a second career started in my 30's). There also sometimes seems to be a bit of an expectation that younger people just coming out of grad school have more leeway to experiment and evolve creatively, where older people may be more established into a particular medium or style. I fit more into the first camp then the second so I think the way I present visually especially during artist talks and workshops reflects this. Hmm.... food for thought.

I'm trying to grow my hair to it's natural color, whatever that is. My hair was very slow to turn gray--I started having it colored when I was 55, and now I regret it. I expected it to grow out to a lovely light gray color, like my Mom, who let her grow out when she was around 70. Her hair was chestnut brown and lovely when it grew out.

I've posted a few times on my travails. I do wish I'd never started coloring it because it is hard on the hair and now, it's a real pain. To my surprise, it isn't all that gray. Right now I'm getting lowlights and occasional highlights. It all blends in well, but it isn't "me."

I do have funny feelings about me as a gray haired woman. (And some of the same denial about "me" as I've gained weight over the years. I still see my self -image as at least 15 pounds thinner.)

To complicate things, my DH has always been adamantly anti-gray hair on women. Our relationship is complicated right now and frankly, I no longer give a (expletive deleted) what he thinks about my looks. He is nuts on the topic and keeps asking me if he should dye his hair, most of which is missing. Aren't 70 year old men supposed to have some gray hair?

I must go back and read everyone's comments. From my perspective I have been coloring my hair since my mid 20s I am still not completely grey but pretty close to it. I think I link my identity and looks closely to being dark haired. Emotionally I'm not ready to become a silver fox - I'm 51 this year so maybe I'll re-evaluate when I approach 60.

I get my hair coloured every 6 weeks since I changed to a shorter style with no obvious parting and I also use a brand called Inoa which has far fewer chemicals. My hair is pretty strong so stays in good condition.

Once I do decide to become a silver fox my plan is to get my hair cut as short as possible and let it grow back naturally.

Here's another semi peer-pressure perspective on it: my sister is ten years older than I am, and she colors her hair religiously. I just can't see "going grey" before her. Is that silly?

I'm 45 and have a bit of gray and love it. I don't want the cost or maintenance involved in coloring. I'm also kind of afraid of color because I've seen so many bad color jobs and women who look like they are desperately trying to hold on to their youth. (step away from the color!) I've seen lots of great color, too.

It's just my opinion and how I feel right now, but I want to age gracefully and own my gray. I get compliments on my hair, but I've also had one or two come right out and ask me why I don't cover my gray. I just smile and say I like it. What I'm really thinking is your color looks harsh!

I really like some of the previous comments about how great haircuts can make us all look better, no matter the color.

I really think it's sad that women still get pressured into thinking that having grey hair will make them old, unattractive, and unemployable. It reminds me too much of the pressure that young women face to fit into a media-driven, photoshopped imagine of beauty. Thankfully sites like YLF show how women of all shapes, sizes and ages can look fabulous. Why is it taking so long to overcome the negatives associated with grey hair?

As I said earlier, I think women ought to be able to choose a hair color just because it makes them happy--blonde, brunette, red, purple, blue or GREY--nothing more. To have someone imply that I would look better if I colored my hair is as offensive as having someone tell me I ought to lose weight or have a facelift in order to look younger, sexier, and more employable. It's one thing for me to choose those options for myself, but a whole different situation to feel pressured into doing those because someone is trying to convince me that growing old is some sort of horrible disease.

Wow...clearly touched a nerve here! If we debated this before, it was before my time.

I don't mean to judge anyone for their choices..and I think the "right answer" is personal for each of us.

What this has exposed for me, and it's painful to think about, is my own ageism around this. My daughter asked me yesterday why I was coloring my hair, and I replied, without thinking, "I don't want to look like a grandma." And then I stepped back from my own words to think, did I really just say that? Yuck.

So I guess that's what this raises for me--acceptance of myself, and of the natural process of aging (at whatever rate that might be).

Thanks again for all the wisdom.

Gaylene, I completely agree with you. However, when I read Going Gray, studies in it showed that having grey hair could in fact affect your career, unless you were in a few areas where experience was valued, such as law and medicine. I was interested in this because after I went grey and really loved my new natural color, I was mad at myself for wasting all the money. It turns out it might not have been wasted after all. At the corporation where I worked, there was only one woman at an upper level who had grey hair.

People think grey hair makes you look older. My experience is people think I look younger. My stylist did a great job doing highlights, but she couldn't compete with the highlights Mother Nature has put in my hair. I think people guess your age based on your face. If you want to look younger, wear sunscreen and a hat whenever you go outdoors.

You blondes will probably chuckle, but what I find most disconcerting is finding white/gray eyelashes and eyebrows! I mean so far it is only a couple so I am probably the only one who notices, but at the age of 61 I am learning to use mascara. My lashes used to be quite thick, and now they are thinning quite a bit, too. Glasses mostly obscure the eyebrows and lashes, so I am no doubt overreacting . . .

This is such a great discussion. Back in the fall I started a similar thread about this. Lots of good comments there, as well.

My quick update -- I was all set to make the transition, and began to let it grow out. It had grown for about 3-4 months. (My hair is short and I get it cut frequently, so this much growth is pretty significant on my overall head). And guess what? It turned out that my stylist was wrong. There is not as much grey overall as she thought -- just in one small section. And without the colour, my hair was looking a bit flat and dull. Similar to what Shannon reports.

I took that to mean that I am not quite "ready" and opted to colour again. But, we are going a little ashier and lighter each time with the highlights so that as the greys come in more prominently, I'll be able to make a swift transition. My stylist thinks it will look great when the grey reaches that critical mass. And although she makes money from my colouring, I trust that she is giving me the straight deal on this. She's also the person who cuts my hair -- and if I were grey, I would no doubt request a gloss or something from time to time, just for fun -- or maybe some pink or blue streaks occasionally.

I'm actually eager to go there, but it may take a bit more time in my case. I am okay waiting a year or two, which is what I suspect it will take, especially based on Shannon's story. (Thanks, Shannon!)

Thinking about this some more.

I honestly don't think gray hair would make me look older - and even if it did, I don't mind at all. It's not about looking old so much, as it is looking washed out. It really depends on the *shade* of gray my hair develops into. Is it a flattering color for me?

For example, I do not dye my hair brown or red because it's just not flattering and I don't care how much my stylist has insisted I *could* pull of red ("the right shade of red"). Ash blonde most definitely does NOT work for me either. I look best in a *neutral* shade of blonde highlights, neither ash nor gold. What if my hair first grows in an ashy shade of gray? No thanks -- I'd rather skip straight to white!

@Janet - that was one of the reasons my DH finally stopped coloring his hair: he is oldest of 4 siblings and we'd had a family gathering. DH realized all three of his younger brothers had plenty of gray.

As for the career connection, I'm now in a company in which having gray hair & wrinkles and decades on my resume is considered a GOOD thing..... it's rather a nice change.