Going grey?

gardenchick

Veteran

I turned 45 last week so have been reflecting on this a bit and wanted to see about the group wisdom out there.

My hair, which was dark brown, turned grey before age 30. I have been coloring it for 15 years.

It grows fast and my natural color was a dark brown, so even after three or four weeks, the grey starts to show.

In my mind I'm thinking about not coloring it anymore, and letting it grow out grey. Here are the pros and cons:

Pros--waste of time and $$ to color in. Not to excited about all of those chemicals either.

Cons---As soon as I started coloring it, people thought I was 5 years younger. If I stop, I'll get the 5 years back! I am concerned that I might have to let go of some youthful perception of myself.

Thoughts/experiences to share? I'd be interested in those on either side of this "debate"..

11 years ago

General

55 replies

Latest reply was from shiny

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Have you seen some of the fab natural salt and pepper ladies here on YLF? Shevia and Shannon come to mind first but I know there are many. I was highlighting for a while, but have stopped because I don't think it looks better, it just looks different. I don't like the fact that hair dyes are very toxic and have known carcinogens in them (esp. dark dyes) so that's a big factor to me. Our skin absorbs all that stuff.

11 years ago

Anonymous

I've heard that a rule of thumb is that about 80% or more of one's hair should be grey before "going grey". Your natural color may be beautiful. (I found that mine was almost a taupe-blonde for years before it got whiter.). If not, maybe you could have high lights and low lights put in a few times a year as an alternative to keeping it dyed.

11 years ago

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I have no advice but I sympathize. I'm turning 49 in a couple of months, and I've been coloring my hair for the better part of my 40s, as I've gradually had an increase in greys. My mom still had well over 50% of her dark brown hair when she was 80, so it bums me out that I seem to be greying faster than she did.

I'm not shy about admitting that for me, I'm just not ready yet. I've talked about it with my hair stylist (I've known him for over a decade) and even if we take away the fact that he makes more money coloring my hair than not, he doesn't think I'm ready to give up to the greys yet either. We are both thinking that maybe when the percentage of grey is greater, I'll be ready for a change -- it will then maybe look more intentional (if that's the right word) and less unkempt. The fact that I have wavy hair that tends to be unruly also factors into my decision -- if it's one look I want to avoid, it's frizzy unkempt grey hair on a crazy artist lady. (I already have the latter part covered I'm also quite frankly not ready to look older than I am. My jawline is the main thing giving away my age these days, and I fear the greys will just push me visually straight into the mid-50s when I'm not ready to be there.

All that said, I absolutely adore Transcona Shannon's and Shevia's salt and pepper looks, and if I had a prayer of having sleek silvery hair like Joy, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

11 years ago

Kimberley

Veteran

Hi gardenchick! I could have written your post. Same, same, same here. I will continue to colour my gray for several reasons:

First, I have an excellent stylist who is able to provide colour that is flattering to my complexion and not too dark/unreal looking as well as a cut that maximizes bounce and volume, thereby detracting (somewhat) from the stripe of regrowth.

Second, gray just makes me feel old (I love my mother, but I don't want to look like her, if you know what I mean!).

Third, I find that the colouring process does great things for the texture of my hair - as I age, it is increasingly coarse/wiry/frizzy and colouring it smoothes the hair shaft and makes my hair sleeker and healthier-looking overall.

Plus, cost and maintenance time not withstanding, I like being a brunette.

I think there are many ladies who rock a salt and pepper look, but I think it's successful on those whose complexion can support it. I may change my mind at some point, but for now I have decided to fight the gray as best I can.

11 years ago

retailgirl

Veteran

I have salt and pepper hair and I have never colored it. I'm 64. I think it looks good, I get compliments and it goes with my fair skin. However, I wonder if I would look younger if I colored my hair...but I would never do it now. Sometimes I get a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I look like my mother...which is scary! I can't be that old. But the low upkeep and low expense is a definite plus! And you need a good haircut, ( my hair is curly and I have an awesome hairdresser. ), and you might have to rethink your makeup.

11 years ago

deb

Veteran

I just did a pinterest search and this is what I found. A lot of beautiful women!

http://www.pinterest.com/searc.....rey%20hair

11 years ago

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

I've colored my hair on and off for years - mostly to brighten it up a little in the winter, but also to blend in the grey that's coming in in the front. I'd say I'm probably 25% grey, naturally. The longer I go between tweakings, the more I get used to having that much grey (since it's in the front, it shows more than if it was all over salt-and-pepper), and then when I color it again I see more of a contrast, and honestly, I like the colored version less and less each time. I'd say it's been a four year process getting used to what I look like with grey hair, and I don't think I will ever color it again (although I'm not ruling out some highlights on the non-grey part). I AM in my early 50s, I don't have grey hair because I've somehow neglected myself, it's just a natural part of aging, so I feel less and less like I have to apologize or feel badly about my personal grooming because I've got grey hair. This is what 50-something looks like, for me, and I'd like to be accepting of that.

11 years ago

JAileen

Veteran

I'm in my 50s and went grey last year. My hair is not salt and pepper, though, it is silver.

Someone here recommended Going Gray by Anne Kreamer. There are some studies about grey hair and women at work. If you work in a corporate environment you should read it before you go ahead. It's an interesting book, anyway.

I love my hair color now. My hair stylist was against this, naturally, but she thinks my hair color is beautiful. I get lots of compliments on it, too.

11 years ago

Aziraphale

Veteran

I think grey hair can look great! Especially if your natural colour is dark brown, in which case a lot of greys will give it that beautiful salt-and-pepper look. But it has to look intentional, as Janet says, which works better if you have a higher percentage of grey hairs. The other think that's important for salt-and-pepper hair is a stylish cut. The odd woman can pull off artsy flowing grey locks, but I think in general, a shorter, more modern cut looks best. When I say shorter, I don't mean pixie, by the way (although I've seen a LOT of excellent salt-and-pepper pixie cuts -- it's a popular style for mature women). But shoulder length or shorter looks good.

Also, are you sure the grey will add five years? Grey hair on a 30-year-old looks different than on a 45-year-old. You might be pleasantly surprised.

In the end, you have to feel ready, but know that if you choose to go grey, remember that there are many, many women who rock the look.

11 years ago

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Deb, those pins are interesting. It kind of drives me nuts though when people post gorgeous pictures of young women with obviously dyed grey hair, saying "look how gorgeous grey hair is!" Well, yeah, they're young, the color is professionally done, and they're young -- they look gorgeous in anything. But there is a lot of wonderful evidence that grey can be fantastic. Rock on Emmylou and co.

Still, I could not find one pin in there that actually resembles what my hair would look like if I stopped coloring it. Proof to me that I need to wait until I have way more grey.

11 years ago

Cary

Active Member

I dyed my hair for years and years, as I started going white in my early 30s. I'm 46 now. I stopped about a year ago because the white hair is so resistant to the dye, it just wasn't worth the effort. I'm probably about 50% white. However. Because my hair was originally strawberry blonde, I don't have roots, it just looks kind of platinum blonde if you squint a little. So you know, not that bad. I have changed the colors I wear, though.

On the other hand, my sister is more gray than me, but she has salt and pepper hair which she hates. She has to color every 2-3 weeks to keep up with the roots, but it's worth it to her to not look "old." I can totally understand why she wants to dye it, but boy is it high maintenance! I'm not sure what I would do in that situation.

11 years ago

Elizabeth P

Veteran

Much to my surprise, people are telling me that I'm looking younger since I stopped colouring. I think it's very easy for coloured hair to look harsh against ones skin, which can be aging. Natural colour is softer.

Last time I got mine cut, a stylist in the salon came up to me and told me it took 15 years off me, and it was the best decision I'd made in a decade! OK, so I don't really believe him, but still...

So don't be scared by "looking older". You may just look different. And you won't know until you try. The way I look at it, I'm unlikely to look any older than I am, and I'm okay with that. Why do I need to look younger than I am?? I'm happy with where I am in life. And I'd like to do my little bit in pushing the envelope on self acceptance.

Obviously I'm not totally there yet, but I can tell you that it's very freeing. I had to do root touch ups every 2 weeks, and was also a slave to my long hair style, because I couldn't let the wind blow on a short style, at the wrong time of the month! It's wonderful knowing I now have, the full gamut of styles available to me. I do think you need to be more cognisant of having a good, kept-up style, so that you don't look like you've "let it go"

Another great resource is the "going grey, looking great" website - forum and facebook page. Look under that, or "Silver sisters cafe grey". I honestly don't think ANY of the women on that site look older. But they do more confident.

I could go on. But I won't.

11 years ago

gardenchick

Veteran

Thanks everyone! As usual, great insights from all of you!

I'm going to track down that book on Going Gray.

Those pictures are definitely inspiring, as is Elizabeth's story above.

I feel totally on the fence on this one. When I leave the salon, I always feel especially put together--also because my hair is wavy and a little hard to style. Three + weeks later, I'm annoyed to see those roots again. And there is some way that coloring my hair seems in conflict with my values and sense of being a "down to earth" person.
But not sure I'm ready for grey hair! I'm guessing it really would be all grey.
Will keep thinking, and again, appreciate all of your posts.

11 years ago

MsMary

Veteran

My hair started going gray in my 20s and I let it go au naturel for a while in my 40s. Everybody said they loved it, but I don't think there is any question it was aging.

Then one day I was in the dentist's office and picked up a magazine with a cover story about a woman who had let her hair go gray and written a book about it. They had photoshopped photos of various celebrities showing them with gray and not-gray hair and every. single. one. looked younger and, to my eye, better with her hair colored.

I left the dentist's office, went straight to the salon for a dye job, and I haven't looked back. Coloring the gray is definitely the right choice for me.

ETA: The roots bug me, too, so I just go to the salon every three weeks like clockwork. It's expensive, but I love my time at the salon (they treat me like the Queen of Sheba!) and it's worth it to me.

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11 years ago

April

Veteran

I think the key to having grey look wonderful is to make everything else very polished and deliberate. Very difficult to have grey look good without makeup, without a sharp haircut, with dated eyewear, and/or with "normcore" outfits.

Also, I have said this many times -- it's harder with curly hair. Not impossible, but harder. A sharp, edgy haircut looks fabulous with salt and pepper hair, but sharp and edgy don't mingle easily with curls.

My roots now need coloring every two weeks (!) (I do it myself) but I find it looks and behaves *so* much better after coloring. When the grey roots appear, it lacks the lift it needs to have the curls look good. Once the roots are colored, it looks much more alive.

11 years ago

MsMary

Veteran

April, you're right about the curls. I do sometimes wonder what mine would look like if I went au naturel on the color and continued to straighten my curls.

11 years ago

kkards

Veteran

gardenchick, forgive me for asking, but imo this matters. do you currently work? if you do, do you work in a field that values youth? like it or not, it matters. and let me say, the president of the company i work for, a man, "touches up" his hair.

11 years ago

Niki Lea

Veteran

My grey is coming in snow white and there's a fair bit of it (I'll be 38 this year). For now I'm highlighting my strawberry blonde hair with a lighter blonde and I do feel it helps me look more youthful. But as Cary mentioned, the white is very resistant to die so I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up.

My mom's best friend went silver grey in her 30s and never died her hair. She's kept it cropped short for decades and it's always looked very chic.

11 years ago

Niki Lea

Veteran

Um, my white hair is resistant to dye not "die". Although, I am quite resistant to dying overall. Haha!

11 years ago

May

Active Member

I started to get grey hair in my twenties and have colored it until I turned 35 a few years back. I was afraid of looking "old", but found that if I keep it short I don't look as old. There is a nice effect to having grey hair as most people think I'm older and commented how young my skin looks. It's helps that I like wearing hats so it serves two purposes: keeps the sun from damaging my skin and my grey hair is not as noticeable. A win-win situation.

11 years ago

Scarlet

Veteran

I think if I were in your shoes I would consider letting go of the color. Every 3-4 weeks is a huge burden, I imagine. I also agree with Aziraphale's comment: "Also, are you sure the grey will add five years? Grey hair on a 30-year-old looks different than on a 45-year-old. You might be pleasantly surprised."

11 years ago

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

My thoughts were similar to kkards. I talked to my hairdresser about this, and granted, she's biased, but she instantly said "definitely don't go gray if you're still working." Not admirable, maybe, but that's how public perception is in the real world, at least some places.

11 years ago

gardenchick

Veteran

Thanks for all of these interesting perspectives.

Yes, I am working. Not sure how that fits into this equation.

I probably color my hair every 5 or so weeks...but start noticing it after 3.

Really don't feel that there's a clear answer now, will keep thinking about it.

11 years ago

shiny

Veteran

This is such a personal decision and so many different factors can play into it.

I'm a few months' shy of 49 myself, with naturally dark blonde hair that I've been highlighting for years. Lately I'm noticing my roots don't grow in dark. Instead, it looks like it's snowed on top of my head!

I continue to color mostly because I like how it changes the texture of my hair. In fact, when it is time to go gray (or rather, white; my grays are white), I may still opt to apply chemical processes, just for the texture & shine effect.

Meanwhile, my DH went gray at a very young age. When we first met 12 years ago, he was sometimes a brunette and sometimes a red head, depending on his whim -- and what was on sale in the drugstore. One day he decided to stop coloring it. He went to the barber and had him cut his hair super short, cutting off all the dyed parts. He did not inform me in advance that he was doing this. Well, he came home that day looking just like John Slatterly but DANG! What a shock!!! I admit it took me several weeks to adjust!

After the initial adjustment, I have to say, he should have made the switch earlier. He is hot and sexy. And his gray hair suits him very much.

There is a point in time when the signs of age on our face look incongruous with our hair color. In DH's case, he has a lot of deep wrinkles, and his gray hair is a much softer and flattering frame, than dark brown or red.

As for you, Gardenchick, you are nowhere near that yet! Your skin is beautiful and youthful. I could understand being fed up with the whole process and bother, but aesthetically speaking, I'd hang in there awhile longer. Wait until you start hitting menopause -- waning hormones change a lot fast (my skin is rapidly aging lately). You've still got awhile for that; I say maximize and enjoy while you can!

11 years ago

qfbrenda

Veteran

I quit coloring my hair a little over a year ago and I'm 41. I still have lots of dark hair on the front of my head, while most of the back is gray. I'm a stay-at-home-mom so work wasn't a factor. I got tired of having roots by 2 weeks, even though I colored it myself. It was a lot of work! To top it off, my husband LOVES gray hair and wanted me to let it go natural. So I finally did it and am glad I did. I do my best to dress well, wear makeup, and keep my hair trimmed.

I probably look older than I did, but I'm ok with that because I looked younger than I actually was. I want to look good... which for me, doesn't translate to "young".

Though as someone who just went through a year of a slightly awkward growing out period, I hesitate to say, "just try it and see what you think." Honestly, you probably won't like it for a long while. I'm glad I did it and don't plan to color again, but I didn't like the growing process.

11 years ago

Carla

Veteran

Struggling with a similar dilemma. Being a red head has been a big part of who I am. Stayed red for a long time, but at 50 whites started coming in fast and furious. Went for blonde highlights, but ended up not feeling like myself. When the whites came in, white clothes looked pretty cool, though.

A different stylist did an awesome colour job, re-creating my copper penny red. I felt so good! But the colour faded within 4 weeks. I go 3-4 months between cuts and colour (curly hair). Like you, on the fence. Not quite ready to commit to full on natural (sandy blonde/white in my case). Though I am tempted. The white stripes really did work with white clothes, and I'm contemplating white frames for specs!

Now if I could be salt and pepper silver like DH, I would commit for sure.

11 years ago

DonnaF

Veteran

At our daughters' request, a friend and I colored our hair until the girls graduated from high school. Her hair had low lights for years; I can't afford that so my hair was DIY and was to the point where I needed low lights if I were to continue coloring. My gray is mostly in front, and I couldn't stand seeing the roots after barely more than two weeks. My hair grows so fast that six weeks between cuts is too long.

That being said, I was 59 when I stopped, and I think she was in her late 40s. The girls are now finishing their sophomore years in college. I've never regretted going gray, but you know, it is not that hard to go back to coloring! I think my mom, age 89, thinks I should go back to coloring because it make her feel old because she has a daughter with gray hair. I told her that people in their 60s are SUPPOSED to have gray hair.

My hair is unlikely to ever turn completely silver. Right now, it is a tweedy looking charcoal gray which rather goes with my RATE sensibilities.

11 years ago

Anonymous

Hmmmm. I'm 36 and wonder if I should start thinking about coloring my hair. I've had a few gray hairs since college, but only lately have been getting enough that I can't keep up with just pulling them out when I see them. I actually got a compliment a few months ago on how nice my grays looked, with makes me wonder if the window is getting shorter before it just looks like I've made a conscious decision to go gray.

On the side of coloring, I've always looked younger than my age and it seems a shame to potentially give that up just because of my hair right when it starts being useful instead of annoying. Also, my hair is long and wavy/curly and I'm incapable of "polished and deliberate," so the odds of looking purposeful as it gets grayer rather than like I'm ready to catch the next flight to Santa Fe to take pottery classes are pretty slim.

On the other side is that I'm not enthusiastic about the expense, the chemicals, or the time it would take. Which honestly makes it a toss-up for me at this point, so I'm not sure I'm any help here.

11 years ago

rabbit

Veteran

I've been dying my hair since my early twenties, when it started to to go gray at the part. That's the thing, it's still pretty much only the part, but the roots are very noticeable. For a long time I used the more natural hair dyes (from Nature's) even though they were more expensive and just went a solid color. Now I'm trying to work more highlights in as they help to disguise the regrowth, and I also use various cosmetic (not dye) hair touch up products right along the part to space the dye jobs out more. I'm 41 and not ready to go gray yet, maybe when I'm a bit further on in my current career.

11 years ago

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