Thank you all for commenting. There is so much wisdom here! I'm on my phone right now so I will leave specific comments for later but I wanted to say that I am nodding along with each and every one of your comments and taking them to heart.

La Ped, my thrifting has diminished too. Partly because I am in a less experimental phase now and have a very specific idea of what I’m looking for, but partly because I have also noticed that the decline in clothing quality has now trickled down to thrift stores. So it’s just not an efficient shopping strategy. (I do buy quite a bit via Ebay but there I can set my search terms very specifically!)

I like this interpretation of “leave no retail stone unturned” that La Ped and Ginger have and Angie endorsed. Turn the stone, and if there’s nothing under it for me it’s ok to mostly ignore it! (But, at the same time, be open to revisiting in the future because an excellent millipede or potato bug might appear. Did I take the metaphor too far?) I agree with Christina F. and Isabel that some of what I’m doing is figuring out which brands do and don’t work for me so hopefully this will be easier in the future.

Barbara Diane, I relate to your going in and out of frustration about online vs. b&m offerings and also to Sal’s characterization of online shopping as a mixed blessing. Cardiff girl, I can see your point about the good fortune of having a lot of choice (I am especially grateful that there is more opportunity for personal style than there was in past decades), but also share lisa p’s frustration that the offerings aren’t better. THIS IS RIDICULOUS IF I RAN THE UNIVERSE oh wait now I’m doing that thing Vix warned me about (and which I am very prone to lol).

Ginger I appreciate your endorsement of NOT lowering my expectations for items, and Angie, thanks for popping back in. I get it: Lower my expectations for the % of items that will work out, but don’t lower my expectations about the items themselves. Yes.

I went to return some things at Old Navy and Loft today, and tried on some other items in each store. Of course, many of the things I tried on did not work! Quite a large percentage were downright awful. But it was SO easy to just put them back on the rack and move on. I had an a-ha moment about how when you order something online there is this anticipation built in to the process — which is only heightened by those emails from the retailer informing you when your package has been shipped and when it is going to be delivered. So it is no wonder that this buildup of excitement leads to high expectations. I hope that now that I recognize this dynamic I can mitigate it a bit in the future.

Suz, so many good suggestions in your post. Thank you! You made me realize that I am not sure that I want to move out of my comfort zone so much as I feel like I should. And now I am questioning that sense, and maybe revising my understanding of what “never say never” means. For example, white jeans. Everyone on YLF seems to love them! And, you all look great in your white jeans. But, the idea of white jeans for my own wardrobe leaves me cold. Just no appeal, no attraction. But I feel like I should try them! Because never say never, right? But maybe, what “never say never” means is that I should leave open the possibility of changing my mind, and trying white jeans when and if I feel drawn to them in the future. I do think I have a clear sense of my style aspirations and the look I want to cultivate. I haven’t written it down though, and I think maybe I should work on that. Writing things down always clarifies my thinking, and it would also be useful to share them with you all and get feedback. So now I have another good assignment for a shopping pause.

Sterling, lisa p and Colette, I appreciate the commiseration more than you can know. I am sorry you are in this place with me but I hope some of the suggestions here have been useful to you as well.

smittie, you know what works. Go you!

Vix, YES on caring about color/style and this being a creative process/project. I relate to this so much. To paraphrase Dorothy Parker, I hate building a wardrobe, I love having built one. I hope you reach your end goal soon with a minimum of slog!

DonnaF GREAT reframing that this means I am not settling!

Kate how awesome that you have a pair of new shoes you are thrilled about and have decided to be satisfied with the rest of your summer fare. So much to admire in your approach!

cindysmith I actually would like to make some of my clothes but finding/altering the right pattern turns out to be as tricky as finding a ready made garment! I do harbor some suspicion though that the time I spend shopping would be better spent sewing....

jussie, oh yeah, I wouldn’t shop online if I had to return by post! I shudder to think....

Again, thank you all so much for reading and commenting!

Yeah, sometimes online shopping can be the pits. I'm petite too, so I'm a big online shopper. I probably return 80 percent or more of what I order. As Angie says, it doesn't get scrapped but is returned to inventory, so at least you can have peace of mind about that.

I would just recommend taking things slow. It takes a while to see which retailers' clothes work for your body type and are of good-enough quality. Some retailers are hit-and-miss with regard to quality, just to make things fun . The best way to learn is by getting your hands dirty, so to speak, which is exactly what you're doing.

As some others mentioned too, it might be worth a trip to a nearby mall just to check out the style and quality of clothing at various retailers. Then you'll know who is a good bet and who's not when you shop online. I also find that sometimes seeing a particular item on a mannequin as part of an outfit in-store can breathe life into what looks like a ho-hum item online.

Gigi, that’s sort of a relief to know that your return percentages are so high.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the problem is not really unfamiliarity with brands and which retailers work for my body type, aesthetic, etc. I have a ton of that information from thrifting (and also bc even when I was mostly thrifting I still bought some items retail). Yes, brands do shift over time but the majority of my thrifted clothes come from the same brands as the majority of the clothes I purchase at retail.

I think it is more a matter of reframing my expectations, as so many of you have mentioned, treating online orders as try-ones rather than purchases.

Part of the problem is that the fit I need in bottoms especially is just extremely scarce these days. I keep ordering mountains of jeans thinking: maybe THESE will be truly low rise! And...Nope. They all go back. I guess I could save myself a lot of hassle by making use of the chat function that some retailers offer and asking for measurements.

"But maybe, what “never say never” means is that I should leave open the possibility of changing my mind, and trying white jeans when and if I feel drawn to them in the future."

Precisely. Don't try something just because "everybody else" is trying it and you think you "should." But do try it if you feel intrigued by it and can find a lower priced version to test. My strategy in my first few years here was to search discount stores and consignment (and a bit of fast fashion) for trends I wanted to try out but wasn't sure of. Saved me some money and showed me where I'd like a better quality, higher priced version of an item.

" I do think I have a clear sense of my style aspirations and the look I want to cultivate. I haven’t written it down though, and I think maybe I should work on that. Writing things down always clarifies my thinking, and it would also be useful to share them with you all and get feedback. So now I have another good assignment for a shopping pause."

You express yourself beautifully in writing and clearly are a person who thinks that way, so this would be a great idea. I did a lot of writing on the forum in my first few years, analyzing style goals. At first I worried that people might get bored by it all (and I'm sure some did!) but others really enjoyed following along with the style journey. Remember that every time you have a question or a dilemma, you're voicing what others might also be thinking or feeling. So sharing your thoughts here is a great way to enrich the forum!

Suz, thanks so much for your kind words. I have learned so much from this thread. I am working on a style statement and hope to post it in the next couple of days. FUN!!!

Lots of good advice here! My own best solution (so far) has been to slow down my purchases and try to stick with my favorite few retailers/brands for most items. I still buy/return pretty often - sometimes several items in one week if I'm on the hunt for something like new shoes or a new handbag - and I do end up paying for shipping on many returns so I may spend $20+ and end up with nothing at the end of a month. Which makes me feel frustrated at myself. But I suppose the "cost" of spending several hours shopping in B&M is also to be considered. Plus gas and that cappuccino or iced tea you treat yourself to, etc. Time = money for many of us.

Just chiming in again to say I'm like Gigi: Petite with probably 80% returns. I often order in two or sometimes three sizes and sometimes more than one colorway because online photos can distort colors. I return in person, and Nordstrom is really nice about it. I think they should be because they get maybe 90% of my clothing dollars.

I have ceased to feel guilty about my returns because my closest Nordstrom has reduced its Petite section so it now has a pretty crummy selection. Well, and I also cross my fingers and order some non-Petite stuff and it occasionally works. Extra sales for the company when it does.

Hi again Sarah --

So glad to know I have a kindred spirit re journey vs outcome (not to mention love of Ms Parker's wit!).

Thanks for your encouragement; I think I'm pretty set for the season, just as it's kicking off (aside from maybe needing some Ts...I couldn't face the T replacement on top of better stuff so will be in aging ones if it comes to that).

I know many have said "stick with the brands you know work to maximize chances" but man, the last couple years that's been a challenge. Lots of no, nahs, and nopes along with the it'll dos.

Peeping outside my go-tos meant taking more chances, but at least it sort of forced me to jumpstart the creative part of things. So when you can face the thought of it, maybe keep your eye open for the random items that work with your selections.

I think that's part of the reason I was getting stuck this season...I needed a fair amount of backbones/workhorses plus wanted some zippier stuff and I'd find the WH but not the BB or vice versa and...

OMG IF I RAN THE UNIVERSE REDUX

Yet at least some from each category needed to work together for my wardrobe to function as a cohesive thing vs just being a random assortment.

Blah blah -- again, good luck finding whatever your "mix" is (and then forgetting the tedium til next time)!