I have long known that the ladies of YLF are a fount of genuine strength and profound wisdom. The range of life experiences among the group have yielded amazing insights on all sorts of life events. I'd like to humbly ask for some of that support and wisdom to flow my way as I take a step I've been too terrified to make until now.

As many of you know, my relationship has been troubled for the past few years. I live with a kind, gentle, intelligent and generous man who suffers from depression in a very significant way. That depression, inevitably, has made itself felt in various aspects of our home life and slowly but surely changed the very face of what we used to share.

Things were at a critical point a couple of years ago when we were fighting constantly and scarcely able to communicate. We tried couple's councilling to no avail, and I soon found myself dealing with the sort of bone-deep unhappiness that he's lived with for years. I reached the end of my rope back then and stopped pouring in the effort I'd been able to handle in the past. My thoughts and actions from that time hardly feel like my own, that's how foreign they've been to the person I always believed myself to be.

But I didn't make any long-term changes. I did move out temporarily in 2013 in a bid to give us both some space and perspective. I felt shame at how liberated I felt while out of my old home, frightened to make any lasting changes, and slightly hopeful that my sojourn away had made a difference...so I went back. I didn't return to the same place I left. The fighting stopped, his mood improved a little, home life became a great deal more civil...and therein lies the problem.

We're civil, not much more and not much less. We coexist peacefully enough. We both love my guide dog. We share the odd laugh. But physical and emotional intimacy haven't been in evidence for more than 2 years, and all the underlying problems remain. He only seems to be able to derive satisfaction from his work and doesn't seem to prioritize home life in the same way I do. Our communication styles have diverged to the point where they chafe, and I can't raise issues about our home life without having them shut down immediately. We have opposite desires when it comes to social interaction. He wants to pursue a PH.D, a venture that I applaud in theory but am having a surprisingly hard time getting excited about in practice. I continue to feel, and in some ways act, like a stranger to myself. And I was experiencing mounting self-loathing as I put off the inevitable for weeks, then months, then another entire year. Now, with the start of a new year and some looming changes in his life, I feel like I need to face myself again and move things along for both of us.

I've written him a letter in which I lay out much of this. I outline very clearly what I want in a long-term partner, then ask him if he wants the same. Because I really, truly, have no clue what he wants anymore. I'm not entirely sure that he does either. But I do know we have to talk about it. I plan to deliver the letter tonight after he's gone to sleep. He doesn't like to tackle heavy subjects before bed due to insomnia, so my hope is that he reads it when he wakes. On the envelope I've written "open when ready, discuss when willing."

I realize that the discussion, whenever it happens, could signal the end of my relationship. I also know it could have a horrible effect on him, a fact that worries me to no end. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned about the impact on me too. I am. I'm feeling very sad and equally scared. And I hope you don't mind that I'm laying these emotions at your door.

I'd appreciate good thoughts as I take this nerve-wracking new step. If any of you have faced similar situations and have any wisdom to impart, I'd be eternally grateful.

Thank you.