Feeling Frustrated - YouLookFab Forum

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Dressing

Feeling Frustrated

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Please know that before you read any further, this discussion is NOT a negative reaction to anyone and that I value all of your opinions immensely. I post K/R threads for help and I absolutely want honesty in all replies. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t post them.

I’ve posted quite a few K/R threads lately and every single item (other than the flat grey oxfords) has received mixed reviews. I’m feeling very off balance as a result, like somehow I no longer know what works on me or fits properly. To be completely honest, it’s shaken my style confidence a little.

I’m trying to figure out where my poor choices are stemming from because I’m getting tired of the excitement followed by disappointment followed by running around returning stuff.

I have a tough little body to fit – I’m not a freak or anything like that, but very rarely do things fit me perfectly right off the rack. Hemming of pants and shortening of sleeves are almost always a given, even in petite sizing, and nips and tucks here and there are also required from time to time because my bust doesn’t fill out what my waist needs. To top it off I have extremely narrow and sloping shoulders.

I’m getting angry with my body for the amount of time and effort it takes to find one single item to fit properly and feel sometimes like I need to settle for something that’s an 8 or 9 because there simply isn’t a like item that’s going to be a 10 in my price range. A perfect example of this is a white leather moto – I’ve tried on several now (more than you all have read about) and none of them are “right”. They’re either too big in the shoulders, too big in the bust, ridiculously long waisted, too wide in the arms, too this or too that…the list goes on. I am now believing that a petite white leather moto is not going to be mine. This makes achieving my style goals and dream wardrobe all the more difficult – the items I want and will work for my wardrobe cannot be found in my size and shape. I’m sick of trying to MAKE things work.

So what do I do? Do I adapt my style to the items that I CAN find that fit well? Now I always feel a little uneasy when we’re about to change seasons and I know I’m in a bit of a style flux that could be contributing to some of this angst, but I really feel quite lost right now and am starting to hate shopping.

Dressing

49 replies

Latest reply was from jayne

rae

(website)

Veteran

I am here smack in the same boat as you, Shannon! I am slightly different in the fact that most things *usually* fit me well without alterations... but that darn trench hunt really had me hating my body, too! I was so angry at myself... how come everyone else is just peachy with a polyester coat lining and not MY skin? And then wha... too big sleeves... what is that?? And worse, fit issues that only appear on camera, after I've fallen in love and gotten excited in the mirror? Bah.

I guess it comes down to how much you want/need the item for this season, and how long you think the item will work for your wardrobe. Suz suggested that stop-gaps are great tools while hunting for the perfect 10. Or if it's something we want right now, but might not want forever, a lower-quality piece to have a spring fling with might be the answer. Even the dreaded More Tailoring Than Usual could be the answer - remember Angie's perfect denim jacket that she had tailored like crazy to get the perfect fit?

Anonymous

I hear you, Shannon. I struggle with this, too, and don't have any answers. Just commiseration! For years, I adapted my style to what fit my body. But that has drawbacks, too. I ended up with a closet of stuff I liked okay but didn't really love. I also think it forced me into frumpiness a bit. Now I'm trying to do the opposite -- picking what I love and giving up a bit of figure flattery. In other words, an item that's an 8 or 9 will have to be good enough.

Have you thought about taking a break from shopping for a month or two? I'd hate for you to stop enjoying it, or worse, end up not liking your body.

For what it's worth, I think you have fabulous style and always look great. So don't beat yourself up too much; I think these shopping ruts happen to almost everyone!

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

But you look so incredibly fantastic in pretty much every outfit you post!

That said, fit issues are an issue for many of us. And it IS frustrating to spend so much time/money trying to get the right fit. I usually end up just giving up myself or I settle for a less than perfect fit because my budget/time are not willing to take such a hit. Not that it's a good recommendation. But we do have to give ourselves some leeway and "perfect" is just not always possible when it comes to clothing. Esp. if it's taking away some of the FUN.

I think you have a wonderful style - you are able to pull off dresses, skirts, trousers, jeans and even trendier looks with such success. You have a great eye for pattern, texture and color. AND you have great shoes, bags and accessories.

Maybe it's time to just relax a bit, enjoy all that you have accomplished in your style journey and give yourself some personal time.

Maybe a massage (or two) instead of a new clothing item?

I don't really know you but from what you've posted, I wonder if some of the frustration is more of a reaction to life events, the start of a new season, and other outside influences. You always look so great from a fashion standpoint - I've said it before, you are an inspiration here on YLF to me!

unfrumped

Veteran

Shannon, I hear you. Everyone has a kind of centric perspective, so it's funny how I marvel at how good you look in all of your clothes, and your shopping and outfit-creating seem so effortless and stylish to me that I can only imagine doing some of that. I feel hard to fit in my own way, and certainly getting the whole outfit to work together--getting my top and bottom to have the right proportions--and majorly with typical outfit completers like the right fab shoes when I hate, or can't wear, some of the trendier styles and feel like I can do this whole outfit and then ruin it (according to some standards) with my shoe choices.

So it is good to take a deep breath and feel you are not alone, on the one hand, and that it's not as bad as it seems, on the other.

At times and even recently, I've felt I need to be careful not to try to accomplish too much to the point that it is not fun. If I were to aim to get 5-10 spring items from shoes to jackets to pants and so on, with perfect fit (even with added tailoring) and playing well with what I have and meeting all the criteria, it could be a full-time job
(like MOTB exploring and shopping, for which I've had to use vacation time!) and lots of dead ends (not as many retail venues here as I'd like in order to try on stuff and walk away). And then I am risking not wearing some really fun items I already have.

I think you feel this more acutely because you're a really modern dresser and you get such great results when you follow your fashion updates. But maybe you can give yourself a break, do some SYC (not because of deprivation, but to feel more relaxed). Review Angie's list from yesterday and narrow down your "must haves" and maybe put some items into ? category 4 or whatever is the "serendipity if I run into it" group.

It will all work out!

christy

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear how frustrated you are!!! That's never any fun. Question for you: while you may WANT a white moto jacket desperately is it really something you MUST have to make your wardrobe work? I wonder if, in a way, this is going to become a level 3 on your shopping list using Angie's list as a guideline. One thing she said in her recent blog post really resonated with me especially in light of my recent shoe post:

1. "Level 3 items are not all that crucial. You may want them desperately (for me the JC booties, for you a white moto jacket?), but in your heart of hearts you know they are really just 'nice to haves'."

She also mentions that level 3 items can be those "elusive items" that can be tough to find but show up when you least expect them to.

I understand that the frustration is not just about the moto jacket. You have such a beautiful wardrobe already. Yes, you might feel there are a few holes, but if something is proving hard to find, can you give yourself permission to stop looking? Don't take it out on your beautiful, strong, capable and adorable body!

Anonymous

I am sorry, Shannon. Sometimes I just don't realize how emotional this is for most women. I do return a lot of stuff, try literally everything I see and hate about 99% of it all, even after I bring it home. Perhaps that is clouding my judgement.

I know this is not about me, but I have been questioning my usefulness and overall participation here for a while. This about sums it up. I hate for anyone to feel bad on my accord. By the way, I did go to my gap next door and changed from my sweater dress, because I hated the damn thing after a few hours. That should give you an idea as to how friggin picky I am.

I am not a big K/ R poster just because I am very stubborn and I would do what I want anyway, if you love something, skip the K/R and wear the heck out of that love.

I will keep you posted on your pants and will post a huge review with piccies once I get them. Promised.

ETA: Shannon, I edited my post above, I am over my initial reaction. I guess I move on quite quickly lol.

Mochi

Veteran

Hi, Shannon. I really do relate on the difficulties of buying clothes for certain body types. Our types are not similar (apart from the petite factor), but I am frustrated constantly and shopping is only recently slightly improved from being an absolutely depressing experience (into just a "rather frustrating one").

That said, I am honestly wondering why you are keyed up in your shopping efforts right now. I realize that it's about to be a change of season, but considering that you're at the beginning of a weight loss program (obviously there's no predicting the results, but they could be substantial), I'm wondering why you would be investing in an expensive piece like a leather jacket. It seems to me like you have quite a lot of clothing, and it's more a question of being bored than actually needing stuff immediately? Or am I wrong?

Mochi

Veteran

whoops, Shannon. I was about to go back and edit that--I think the last sentence came off as judgmental and I didn't intend it that way. I think it's very tricky when you can't predict what your body is going to look like. It could be vastly different in a month. It could be almost the same in eight months. Totally up in the air. And everyone has different needs and wants around clothing, and even while you're in transition, there's no reason to go with gaps in a wardrobe. Also I have very little stuff myself, so it's hard for me to gauge when others have more than I do, whether it's overkill or not...

Anyway, the point is really that yes, it is frustrating. Yes, it's a beautiful jacket and I will be honest and say that I am not sure the fit is great for you now, and will only get looser, so yeah, it's sad that this may not be your jacket. You may find a better one. You may give your current stuff some extra love while you wait for a better one to appear in your life. I don't know. I wish it wasn't the case where things are so hard to find for certain body types, that we feel like grabbing on for dear life when we see something that comes "close enough"!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Gosh you're an insightful lot, aren't you?

Rae - it's funny, I was thinking so much of you as I was putting down my thoughts here because I knew it was a similar kind of feeling. I'm angry at myself too - not at people's comments or review NOT AT ALL!!! I'm angry that I can't seem to see the fit issues myself and figure I should have that more figured out by now.

Stacey - I like the idea of taking some time off from shopping but I honestly do need a couple of items to take me into spring. I need a trench coat desperately as the weather warms up and have now tried on about 10 with no success on fit. Still looking though.

Christy - good question on whether the white moto is a need or a want. Adding a white or spring coloured moto jacket is something I consider higher up on the list as a means to bring my winter wardrobe into spring.

Zap - I don't know what on earth you're apologizing for, silly! And if you feel the need for a hiatus, we will miss you but totally understand. And now I don't even know if I want the pants 'cause if they don't fit or look horrendous, it's just not gonna make me feel any better, you know?

Mochi - I think you've asked an extremely important question and I thank you: why am I thinking of investing in an expensive piece at the same time as I'm on a weight loss journey? Just read your second comment - not harsh at all...

You've given me much to ponder ladies and I can't thank you enough for you invaluable input.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I ignore 90% of what people say on the forum (in my line of work, that is actually SOP for any online forum!). But then I am actually fairly *secure* in my own taste and fit decisions, and I mostly post for fun and not to really transform myself. If someone doesn't like what I love, well, whatevs.

That doesn't mean I don't respect the members, but rather, know that we don't have assured commonality. Frankly, I see many outfits I like panned, and outfits I thought looked dull cheered on. So, I don't always bend to the group decision.

Take what you need from a forum, but I wouldn't live my life by it. Even a really nice forum like this one.

shedev

Veteran

Shannon, you wear so many styles beautifully. As a fellow petite, I can relate to your fit challenges. We all have our own unique set of challenges to contend with. I'd like to lighten up my colors for spring, but I'm really not feeling the pastels. But I digress, maybe the white leather should become a #3. Take away the pressure, and you might just run into the one.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Shannon, sweetie....you ignore the fit issues at the moment because you are loveable YOU. You wouldn't be you without your enthusiasm and eagerness to try out new things, and it is a big part of what makes your style so great. But you also need to go back and calm down afterwards and do some analysis. Sometimes your loves become permanent ones (like your hubby). And sometimes? Well...they are more fleeting than the BFs!!! LOL.

Only YOU can decide if a less than 10 is what you want or need right now to up your style ante.

You always look 100% fantastic, whatever the fit challenges might be!! You are a style icon for us all. So never doubt your judgement. Just keep in mind that your judgement has a couple of phases, both important to honour.

catherine

Veteran

I never give advice, because I am a style neophyte and don't know enough to do so. I will say that you are my hero when it comes to style and accessories because of the way you wear your clothes, shoes, and bags.

catgirl

Veteran

Shannon, I'm somewhere between you and IK. Part of what's helped me is learning more about what NOT to even bother trying due to my own style and fit limitations... I admire so many items on others and leave them at that.

Because I know you want me to be honest, I'll say that sometimes I feel you are sold on an item by what you say about it in your post, and that makes it hard for me to say anything that I know will break your heart.

I think of shopping the way I do blackjack. Instead of using my heart, I use a basic strategy approach, assuming I will lose at least 50.5% of the time. This allows me to distance myself from the emotional side of shopping and look at it more rationally. Certain things just won't work out, and I'm going to have to take that in stride.

In addition to changes in our own style and in what is out there in the retail world, I think we all go through waves of feeling passionate about our style and then of feeling like "it's just clothes". I'm in the latter phase at the moment, and I've noticed that tends to happen when I'm busy or preoccupied with other matters in life (jury duty, work, taking care of friends, basketball games...). You are in the former phase right now. I wonder if, as Mochi said, you could reflect on whether there's anything else going on that's driving you. I know for me, shopping is at various times an escape, a reward, a distraction, a habit, and an addiction. As I've become more aware, I've felt more in control. KWIM?

Zap, you are nothing but nice! I was told by another member that I looked fat, and you know what? That's part of what happens when you put yourself out there. I hope you are not gone for long!

XOXOXO

Debbie

Veteran

Shannon I understand being frustrated. You have alot going on in your life and you are on a weight loss journey. Shopping and fashion are suppose to be enjoyable but sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves that it becomes a chore. Try to remember with every piece you try on you are getting closer to finding what you want by defining what you don't want.
I love your choices and the way you put things together. I look forward to your post. Just know that you are fabulous inside and out.

Anonymous

I think this is officially the shortest hiatus ever. I'm over it. I just hate to feel like the bad guy. I just seem to be the bad guy so much lately, it feels almost as If I am becoming this ultra judgmental person, while everyone is so nice. Therefore, I question myself on whether I'm even useful.

catgirl

Veteran

Stop it, Zap! Do I need to start a new thread to tell you how important you are here? I'm not that nice myself - DH was trying to decide which Angry Bird I most resemble yesterday. Giving your opinion is not being judgmental, nor is being in the minority, as long as you are - and you ARE - respectful.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Zap, you are definitely not the bad guy. I rarely post WIWs anymore but when I did, I appreciated ALL of the comments.

Shannon, hang in there.

ETA: I have a stuffed angry bird I could loan you AG.

Anonymous

I think too that forum users need to be more clear when posting what kind of feedback they want. Because I think I certainly in the last little while have misread the situation a couple of times and feel bad that comments I made were a mismatch with what the poster was seeking.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Zap - you are NOT judgemental. So stop thinking that. Right now!

Suz - you are too sweet! Sometimes being an emotional feeling person has its drawbacks, that's for sure. And being an emotional shopper can do a number of ya!

Una - you are totally right. I do sometimes build up an item in the positive in my commentary and then it makes it near impossible to be completely unbiased when reviewing the item.

I'm going to take a break from thinking about clothes for a while. Take a break from shopping. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and am beginning to realize that alot of my shopping/dressing angst comes from trying to adopt trends and dress in a manner that doesn't feel completely like me. BF's anyone? Yes, eventually I can make certain things work anyway, but why do I expend so much effort to try and be more fashion forward when maybe that isn't ME???

Jules

Veteran

It's useful to me to learn more about fit, Zap! Even though I personally don't aspire to perfect fit every time - with my budget, patience level and fit issues it just isn't a mark I can hit every time - it's still interesting to know what should/could be.
Shannon, I think your frustrations are stemming from very high standards, which are coming both from within and from the forum. People see your style perfecting and want you to have perfect items. I agree with other suggestions to perhaps take a short break from shopping - maybe just a week or two - since it seems like it's just not fun right now.

catgirl

Veteran

Ceit, that is true too. Maybe K/R vs. "I'm keeping this, how do I style (or alter) it to make it work" or something like that.

Shannon, your last point is directly related to me "How do you want to feel in your clothes' thread. I think it's important because you want to feel like yourself (or maybe NOT like yourself - in my case, brave and fierce). If BFs don't feel like you, they don't - and that's okay. You're more tailored than RATE, so it makes sense to me. And you may want to be RATE, as I sometimes wish I were more tailored - and we can, but only if it's going to be fun!

It reminds me of how Michelle tries clothes on by sensation and not appearance (although that mattered to her too obviously!) - I remember how much that resonated for me.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Ceit - just to be clear, when I post a K/R I always make sure I post it in that manner and absolutely expect and want honesty

Anonymous

Una -- I'm going to make a post in OT discussing that.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Shannon, I hear you, too! You are maybe experiencing a somewhat troublesome transition, partly due to seasonal changes, or also the style journey you are on. I am sorry that you find it so tiresome to hunt down the pieces that are right for you. I hope the white moto will be waiting for you - maybe when you stop looking? These things are known to have happened before.

To receive mixed reviews on K/R is probably to be expected. We all give advice based on our personal preferences as much as what we think will suit another member. This happens wether we acknowledge this or not. I suppose Angie is among the few here who has the professional objectivity needed for neutral advice. After all, we are only humans:) You know this already, of course. I did NOT read your post as if you accuse anybody of anything here.

For what it's worth, I adore your style, your humorous posts, and I'm so impressed with your seemingly effortless style in your WIWs. We all know that it takes a lot of experience and knowledge about oneself, fashion and style to achieve that. You are a style icon, Shannon. Please don't hate your body - it is after all an important part of what makes you YOU!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Ok, there seems to be a fair amount of angst among us lately. Are we all just in some state of late-winter blues?

Shannon, Rae, Una, Lina, everyone (and I'm talking to myself too)... Please don't take this all too seriously! Have fun, stay true to yourself if you love something, and don't get too absorbed into the idea that your style must be approved by committee. Even if the committee is as fab as the ladies of YLF.

I've had style doubts lately as well, but I keep reminding myself that it's just clothing, and I know a lot of my struggles have had other underlying emotional causes.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Shannon, (((HUGS))), and such wisdom from the ladies.

I have to run, but rest assured that these feelings and moments are 100% normal - stages when few things that we select are killer, and when we doubt our style preferences. It's really not a problem to *not hit the jackpot every time*. Not at all. Please don't doubt your fashion flair and styling ability. You are talented and I have said that many times before. Shake off the wobble and celebrate your closet full of killer looks that YOU chose!!!

As for the opinions here, it's a melting pot that is growing at the speed of light. It's also very normal for there to be opposing views. It's par for the course. In fact, it always amazes me that there are so few opposing views! You have to filter the comments and take from them what works for you.

Furthermore, people post outfits for different reasons. Some want to show you what they wore, and are NOT looking for feedback. Others prefer feedback, while others are only posting to get feedback because they doubt their own styling ability. Although I am not infallible, I take special care to respond in the appropriate way. I do not offer feedback if the poster was not looking for it.

You have KILLER style. End of story.

Vildy

Veteran

Agree with Angie and everyone that you have killer style and end of story. But a footnote from someone who alters her own clothing: it used to be the norm to use a shoulder pad - that come in all shapes, sizes, thicknesses - to "correct" a shoulder that is sloping too much and throwing off the fit, since we like our garments to hang from the shoulders. I shorten most of my sleeve lengths but sometimes when it isn't much, then a shoulder pad adjusts the length to where I don't have to. I keep a whole drawer full of shoulder pads but in a pinch a folded up sock stuck under there in the dressing room tells a whole lot.

rachylou

Veteran

Ooh, Shannon, I hear that.

First, it's another reason I have RATE style: I don't have an off-the-rack figure nor do I have the time or money for a custom wardrobe.

Then, as I was commenting on Angie's blog post about prioritized shopping, I am superstitious. I'm very bad at it because it seems to me that when I go looking for something in particular, I never find it. But the stats support me on this: hard to find a needle in haystack, very easy to find all kinds of hay straws.

As for the shopping fatigue, well, I'm starting to wonder if this is just not the best time. I've popped into the stores several times in the past few weeks to see if the new styles have come in, and nada. I'm tired now of checking. I'm quite ready to do with what I've got... which, now that I come to think of it, is one of Angie's big lessons: Wear what you've got.

It's an interesting question, tho, as to whether to 1) adapt your style to the clothes you find, or 2) to adapt the clothes to your style. When I was in my teens, my philosophy was the art of style was making lemonade out of clothing lemons. I guess that involved a little of both. Now I suppose I'm trying to move farther away from strategy #1 and more towards #2... but that's quite hard actually, to escape out from under the original designer's thumb.

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