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Feeling fab turns to feeling frumpy

Anonymous

This happens to me a lot. I leave the house feeling cute and pulled together, and then feel like a sloppy, frumpy mess once I arrive at my destination. Can anyone relate?

On Saturday, I dressed for a casual lunch with my mom and younger sister. I wore a lavender crewneck sweater, rolled-up jeans, metallic Sperrys, and a tomato purse that popped against the lavender. My hair wasn't anything special, but my makeup was done. I left feeling the house feeling cute and put-together.

Then I met up with my sister and immediately felt like a dumpy mess. This happens often when I'm with her. She's 8 years younger than me and drop-dead gorgeous. I am average in every way, looks wise. I'm also very sensitive about the fact that we're the same height, but I'm a good 30 lbs. heavier because we have completely different builds. Damn genetic crapshoot! She has an innate sense of style and virtually everything she wears fits her perfectly and looks great. She's also a much trendier dresser than I am, which always makes me question why I've chosen a more subdued style for myself.

This is such a whiny, petty rant, but I am so tired of feeling this way. I promise I'm not ugly-jealous of her or behaving badly. I'd just like to get over the feeling that I'm the ugly duckling of the family. I'm old enough that I should be over this stuff, but I still hear so many random comments to the effect of, "Your sisters are so pretty!" Yes, they are -- they are beautiful -- but by excluding me you're kind of making me feel like I am not, so thanks?

I try to follow the advice "you do you" but I always feel like I'm lacking that extra something that makes someone stylish and attractive.

Whew, this was really hard to write, so please be kind. I'm embarrassed that I feel this way, honestly.

Dressing

40 replies

Latest reply was from Von

catgirl

Veteran

Aw, Stacey - I totally get this feeling. When I was younger. everyone in my family and outsiders would comment that I was the smart one and my sister was the pretty one. Then of course my sister turned out to be smart as well.

We are best friends and as close as can be, but those comments from chlldhood do stick in the psyche. My sister also has a natural grace, warmth and charisma that draws people to her. Sometimes I wonder if I use fashion to make up for my feeling that I am not "the pretty one", even though I'm long past caring about it.

Anonymous

Aw, I am so sorry that you had that experience. Would it help to approach dressing for dates with family differently? To consciously try and be trendier? Or would that make you feel more uncomfortable?

Your point that you question why you dress more subdued is an interesting one, and I think you should explore it more. Trendy, fashionable clothes are not only for the younger, thinner, gorgeous (whatever standard applies). I think it is important for you to dress how you feel like a million bucks, and try to shed the things you have no control over (comparisons to sisters, genetic lottery etc.).

Hugs.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I want to say focus on something besides the physical appearance when you meet with your sister - but I realize that's the problem, it's very hard to do. This can happen with good friends too, not just sisters. I think many of us feel this way from time to time, if not often.

Maybe you could plan more often to meet for something very casual like gardening, volunteering at a shelter, or going for a hike (instead of going out to eat where "dressing" seems to be so much more in focus). You could also ask your sister to go shopping with you next time you want a new outfit and try to get her help picking things out.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

((hugs)) I have no advice, but I know that feeling all too well. Except I just feel 'ok'. Not just with my sister, but wherever I go..... you've gotten some great advice, hope it helps

Marmee

Veteran

I don't have a sister, but I have two daughters, and my mom has a sister, and I completely understand. No advice, but sending hugs.

I left the house on Saturday feeling fab, and then ran into an acquaintance who can be intentionally hurtful, and immediately felt dumpy.

So glad that you could post about this!

Anonymous

Alaskagirl, aren't those comparisons unfair for both of you? I wonder why so many families insist on doing this. We were very fortunate that our parents never labeled us this way, but extended family members, family friends, etc. sure didn't have any boundaries about this.

Ceit, you bring up a good point. It might help me to approach dressing for family events differently, and I do sometimes wonder if I hide behind subdued clothing. Part of it is a preference for minimalism, although I realize that minimal doesn't necessarily equal plain. I've also skewed in that direction because my body type tends to fight certain silhouettes and trying to branch out becomes a huge exercise in frustration rather than being fun.

Texstyle, that's a good point. I always feel more in my element when I'm dressed for a task instead of dressed to "dress," if that makes any sense.

Biscuitmom, I'm sorry you feel this way, too. It's not fun.

There are times when I've felt confident in my body, but the past few years have shaken in my confidence, both in body and in spirit. I definitely have some interior work to do.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

Aww, I get this too. I was such a wallflower in college. The last person asked to play volleyball, the girl standing at the wall during the ball, and the only person in my (small class of 40) who wasn't invited to parties often since I was so very forgettable. I'm very curvy and will never be say, a size 2, but get such a confidence boost from exercising, then putting on a favorite outfit. Maybe a new haircut, shoes, or fun exercise are in order? What do you think?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hugs, Stacey!!

I don't have a sister, so for me it hasn't happened with family members. But it has happened with friends. And it's awful. There's no real logic to it, either. And sometimes very little objective reality behind the feelings. But even knowing that (or suspecting it) doesn't help. We tend to dislike ourselves when we feel these negative emotions, as if we are "bad" for feeling envious. Which only compounds the "yuck" factor. Been there.

The only things that have really helped me through those moments have been -- activity (I get an endorphin pump and it shakes the blues away); doing something that matters to me, something meaningful -- whether that be writing, spending time with my daughter, volunteering for a cause.

It doesn't change the situation, exactly, but it takes the heaviness out of it, somehow.

Catnip

Veteran

I come from a small family and didn't personally have this problem. I do know, however, that no matter how attractive, well-dressed, intelligent or whatever you are, there will always be someone in your life who is superior. An important part of being a happy person is realizing this will happen and being able to accept it.

I think at least a part of the solution is being able to focus on being the best you can be. Compare what you have done to what you could have done if you had been at your very best. Work on self improvement, and not on being competitive with someone else. When you can see that you have made progress, you will feel better.

adorkable

Veteran

This is the worst feeling. It sounds like lots of folks here know it well - but just want to send you a hug and a shoulder-squeeze and say that it's totally normal to feel this way and not something you need to be ashamed of.

Sarah A

Veteran

Oh Stacey! I so completely relate... A real breakthrough for me was that although my sister and I look quite similar in our facial features we are definately different Kibbe (Kibbee?) types. I can see the angularity on her face versus the bluntness in mine. This breakthrough totally made me realize why dressing in quite tailored items made her look slim and me look actually larger than I am. I have embraced a handful of the Kibbe guidelines for my type along with Angie's fluid fit recommendations and now my sister has actually asked me for dressing advice, esp. when making travel capsules. It is a process, and I am sending all the best wishes that you will find your "aha" breakthrough moment and feel fantastic at future family events

Mellllls

Veteran

I think there is something about family dynamics that can cause so much insecurity. I have no advice, just commiseration.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I love hanging out with my beautiful, classy friends.

Even if I am convinced I am not in their league, it makes me feel really good that THEY like to hang out with ME.

rabbit

Veteran

Sending sympathy. My little sister is more beautiful than me, and occasionally people meeting one of us after knowing the other don't believe that we're related. (She's also a blonde, I have dark hair). But interestingly I haven't had this experience that often (there are other areas where we have competed at times).

Maybe it's like you say, that we didn't get told that when we were younger, and to our parents, especially my mom, how any of us looked or dressed was just not important. I think also it's that because we look so different we never pursued the same styles -- I tend toward dark/alternative, she goes for paler colors and boho/world traveler. We can't wear each other's colors, her height and build is different, etc. We do like shopping together when we get the chance, which is rare. It's fun to be able to help pick out clothes for a completely different body than your own.

I think what everyone mentions about focusing on yourself, treating yourself well, being kind to yourself, building your energy, and discovering and appreciating your own style irrespective of what your friends or family wear (or their budget) has helped me too when I feel down and am comparing myself unfavorably. Also like others mention, arranging a place and way to get together occasionally that is more on your terms in a place you feel confident and happy seems fair.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I really admire your courage & authenticity - it is never easy to be vulnerable :):)
I love the quote below & imo the book is fantastic for any of us who want to get a handle on those emotions that can & do derail us

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

unfrumped

Veteran

I think your feelings are so NORMAL, in the sense that we all have some kind of similar experiences--and not just feeling vulnerable about appearance and style, though the "beautiful" aspect is so emphasized in our culture. It can be anything that one has been working on or experimenting with--gardening or wine appreciation or home remodeling or art-- and then when you think you've got some game, you meet up with folks and think you are going to have something to contribute and you find they are way ahead of you or talking totally out of your league--and sometimes I wonder where the line is between a true passion for a hobby vs. being with lots of type A -competitive personalities, you know? and you just go, why do I bother!

So, great advice and sympathy/empathy here because if it's not one thing, it could be another, so there's no end to the ways we can compare ourselves and come up short and we will always risk disappointment if seeking some kind of external approval or validation.

That's even a risk of the forum, no surprise. But huge efforts are made here to separate "opinion" and personal taste from person-judgement.

Caro is wise as usual--I'm tempted by that book! Also, for relationship-building and personal-building, texstyle's point about focusing "outward" is so great. Also Ceit--to see if you can tell if you like where you are and need to see how to feel okay with that, vs. if you really want to try other things but are afraid of more disapproval there too. I know that can be hard for me--to tell whether i'm taking a risk I want to take for myself, vs. being a lemming (not in the current YLF fun-lemming sense) vs. being too afraid of making a mistake to try anything new.

shiny

Veteran

I feel this way around a lot of my seriously gorgeous, fit, slim, stylish friends and family. It's something I consciously have to fight with myself to STOP, and doing so over the years has definitely helped a lot. It also helps a lot to remind myself that while I may be envying their seemingly stylish grace and ease, they are envying me for other qualities. For example I have some gorgeous female friends who have confided that they envy that I'm appreciated not just for my looks, but my intelligence, and sense of humor, and all of that. You know, qualities that have zero to do with how we look. If you are average looking and not a model, you have to develop things like... character.

And I know I can tell you that all day long and you'll agree but still ...it's there. It flares without warning and suddenly we go from fab to frumpy, from stylish adult to gawky preteen. I totally get it!!! For some of us, that just never really goes away, I'm afraid. But we get better and better, with age, nipping it in the bud before it ruins our entire day. That's the STOP part, and it takes practice.

It helps to look people in the eye, not down and around and what they are wearing.

It helps to literally tell yourself STOP every time a negative, comparing thought creeps in.

It helps to remind yourself that your sister doesn't see you in the detail you see yourself. Nobody does. She's got you etched in her mind already, that's how brains are wired.

It helps to remind yourself that your sister is the center of her own world, with her own insecurities, and YES she's comparing herself to you.

And if you want to get all philosophical, I find it helps to remind myself that everyone within my present moment is extension of me, a reflection of me. So, if your sister is looking super stylish, my dear, so are you. There's nothing to feel less than about. Look harder at her, and trust me, you'll see yourself staring right back. That's when you'll forget completely what you are wearing, and it just won't matter. If you're fretting about your outfit, you aren't tuned in enough. Tune in some more.

Okay that was fun to write and I meant it all.. now can I just say... every time I go to the mall, I leave the house feeling stylish and fab, and wind up coming home feeling frumpy??? Ha! I think it is the lighting in the dressing rooms. Or something. I dunno, but it's consistent enough I deliberately try not to wear my favorite clothes, because if I do, I'll surely wind up hating them!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Incredible wisdom on this thread. Jennifer, IK, Suz and Caro - I applaud your replies with a standing ovation.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Love that Brené Brown quote, Caro. Love what Jennifer (Shiny) says. And thank you, Angie.

Also thinking of another quote: Comparison is the thief of joy.

Looking back at times in my life where the comparison bug had the most hold on me, they were always when I felt thwarted somehow in my true passions. It really wasn't about the clothes, or the looks, or anything like that. It was something else.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Thank you Angie

I love that quote too Suz - but seeing as I could quote for Australia I try to ration myself to one a post Totally agree about these feelings being about our true passions too. I find that all my negative feelings whether comparisons or critical thoughts can really lead me to big lessons about myself - if I let them.

Echo

Veteran

I'm on the other end of this, and in my experience I may look different from my sister, but I envied HER. She was the "responsible" one. All I ever wanted as a kid was to be like her, to be allowed to hang out with her, to get to do all the things she did. But I am 5 years younger, and she resented me from the day I was born (I am sure looks had nothing to do with it then).

I still have virtually no relationship with my sister, and not for lack of me trying. But over the years, there was always another reason to resent me (it all goes back to the fact that she just simply never wanted me here at all, I think). It is probably too late to do anything about it now.

My point is that I applaud you for admitting what bothers you and trying to take some steps to make it better. I guarantee that when your sister looks at you she doesn't compare body types or outfits or anything like that. She likely admires you and always will. She probably sees the beauty in you that you don't see, and if you could see yourself through her eyes, you would be amazed.

Gigi

Veteran

So sorry you're feeling this way, Stacey. :^( You mentioned the family dynamics. Do you feel this way only when out with your family, or do you feel like it with other people too?

catgirl

Veteran

Just to add, I adore my sister, am unceasingly proud of and thankful for her, and do not feel one bit of jealousy or resentment. She's truly my best friend.

It's more the voices of those other people in my head that made comparisons. Not our parents, thankfully, who were amazing and curbed that kind of nonsense when they caught it.

Jeanie

Veteran

Oh, this is very hard and I do empathize with you. I have felt like writing a similar rant at times. My sister is 4 years older and 4 sizes smaller than me. She is very pretty and extremely polished. She can wear a graphic tee, hoodie & jeans and look better than me no matter what I wear. She spends hours perfecting her hair and makeup every day. I am more of a hippy and when we are at family functions I just always feel like a frump. My dad will make negative comments about my clothes at times. Makeup can often irritate my skin and I sometimes go without. It is hard hearing how beautiful she is all the time around friends and family. I do love her and we are very close and I often help her edit her clothes. I just try to embrace who I am. My family has perfectionist tendencies and I gave up trying to live up to that level of perfection a while ago and it was freeing. I don't guess they will always embrace my rather bohemian style but I try to remind myself that I am being myself and they do love me for me. I think Caro said it very well. Hugs. You are beautiful.

Lyn D.

Veteran

I always feel that the 'more attractive' ones have a harder time later in life finding deeper virtues to fuel their inner happiness.
Cute doesn't last forever, but can easily define us whilst it is there!

Alexandra

(website)

Veteran

Hugs, Stacey!
It sounds to me like clothes have little to do with it. More like you feel somehow "less-than" when you're with your sister. It might be helpful to ask her what she envies you, as there are bound to be aspects of you or your life, skills, etc. that she would love to have but doesn't. Perhaps your road to self-acceptance leads through the realization that you're not "less-than" but rather "different-from". And it's really the "different-from" that makes you who you are.

Neel

Veteran

First Stacey - hugs to you.

And second - remember that no matter how beautiful you are ..... There will always be someone prettier/sexier/taller/thinner than you! Instead of fighting that ... Accept that.

I know that feeling so very well that I get mad at myself for even thinking about it right now. I felt rotten because someone had better legs, spoke better English, dressed better and because someone chose a prettier woman over me .... All thanks to just one thing ... Lack of self worth/inferiority complex. Why was I obsessed with what others thought about me? Why was I defining my self worth based on their opinions about me? Why on earth did I allow people to make me feel good or bad about myself? Months of depression.....thoughts of self harm.....in a nutshell ... Precious time of my life wasted!

That's when I decided to say enough is enough ... And decided to live that one life god has given me. I am never going to get my time back that I spent crying and questioning my existence. I could have spent that time choosing to live happily and do what made me happy. I feel stronger now just because I don't let anyone make me feel bad anymore! It's liberating and people around me sense it. The same people who put me down at every step of life. There are still days like the past but now the recovery time is super quick! If you don't feel good about yourself, others will only make the feeling worse.

I cannot stress how important it is to do anything ... Anything at all ... That makes you feel proud about yourself. Works but takes time! Good luck!

Anonymous

Stacey, I definitely sympathize with you. Other people have given you more useful advice, but I just wanted to chime in as another voice saying that feeling like this once in a while is totally normal and doesn't mean you're a bad or petty person at all.

I also can get insecure when I'm dealing with someone who's effortlessly stylish in that glossy way. All of a sudden, whatever looked perfectly cute in the mirror seems to be both trying too hard and not trying hard enough at the same time. It's a feeling I'm pretty good at pushing to one side so that it doesn't affect how I act with them and I absolutely recognize that it's more about me than about them and blah blah blah, but … when it's there, it's still there.

As it happens, my younger sister can totally bring out that feeling in me, through no fault of her own at all. Our parents were good about not playing us off against each other or anything, but, when we were growing up, she was clearly the more popular and stylish one and I was clearly the more nerdy and school-oriented one. So, that might be clouding my thinking sub-consciously, even though it's silly. But, also, I think running with a more appearance-focused crowd when you're growing up can mean you end up with more years of practice paying attention to clothes and beauty and how to make yourself look your best, and it's not surprising if that translates to being able to pull off "effortless" stylishness more easily as an adult.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Stacey, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I totally understand. I'm the younger sister (by 10 years) so I don't really have that dynamic going on with my sister (although your post makes me wonder if my sister might feel similarly!). However, I get that awful tendency to compare even here on YLF, where it seems most posters are a few sizes smaller than me. I feel big and ungainly and un-chic in comparison, but wasn't it IK that recently reminded us, "Comparison is the thief of joy"?

So I'm nodding along with Shiny's whole post. I'm more vulnerable to those feelings when there is something going on with me that makes me feel uneasy or less than my best. When I turn my attention to positive actions and thoughts, I can usually overcome those insecure feelings.

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