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DS is off to uni!

Helena

Veteran

Hi all, just sharing the I dropped DS off to his first year of uni on Sunday. Writing it out as a way of processing this rather momentous occurence!

He is about 1.5 hours away, which is a perfect distance - far enough he feels "away" but close enough that we can easily get there if needed. He's only about 30 minutes from BIL which is also a nice back up to give me peace of mind.

The school did an awesome job making the first years feel welcome and excited, with teams of upper year students cheering each one in individually, while other volunteers moved all their stuff to their new rooms. Its a full week of welcome activities this week before classes start next week. DS has a couple of great friends going there also, including his roommate.

Now the work of adapting to his absence begins! I am so excited for him but it feels weird to have left him there. I am trying not to bother him but feel guilty about not texting him (not that he's answered my one text so far lol). It feels wrong to go to bed without calling down to his gaming area to say good night.

Good changes but big changes. Sigh.

Any tips and advice from those that have been there more than welcome! Thanks for listening xoxo

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31 replies

Latest reply was from Zaeobi

MsMaven

Veteran

I've been there twice but I have no tips. In my case, both kids were home 3 weeks later for the weekend. (One was in No. Cal and the other in So. Cal.)

You can always make an excuse about wanting to go to his school's football game or some other event as an excuse for a visit to see him!

cjh

(website)

Veteran

Hugs! My tips are 25 years in the past so I’m certain they sound like prehistory. You have had a great journey from baby to college student and you should be proud your kid is grown up so well. But you’re always a mom, forever.

My two kids had different ways of interacting when they went to college. Both lived in dorm but only 15 minutes away. First child acted like she moved to another planet. I learned how to email but she never answered. Dorm phones weren’t ideal contact points. She spent summers overseas. We were always close and are still now, and she lives an hour away with her family so we see them often.

Second child always came home frequently for meals and to do her laundry at home and to have quiet time. She lived at home in the summers. But she got married right after graduation and then moved to Texas and then to Colorado, two days away by car. She and I were and still are buddies. We text several times a week and try to visit a few times a year.

Not sure those are tips, but just to reassure you, the relationship changes but still a great bond of love. It’s just more sudden and noticeable change when the kids leave home. So, more hugs, and best wishes to you.

Helena

Veteran

Thank you MsMaven and cjh ... Your words are very reassuring xx

Sal

Veteran

Oh Helena - it's not easy!

DS1 left Feb 2020 (but returned March 2020 due to pandemic), DS2 left in Feb 2023.

DS1 was pretty hopeless about keeping in touch although he was a real homebody through high school days. He is quite good now he is 22:)

DS2 has been better about keeping in touch and rings up regularly.

At 18-19 their focus is very much on themselves, it does not mean they don't care. I was always grateful they were thriving and living their own lives, but I do miss the family life when they were at home.

I took on a couple of new interests - pickleball has stuck - and we probably head away for the weekend more often. College terms are short and so the visits are not too far in between. I was grateful for my friends and job during this period!!

avicennia

Veteran

I flew by myself from west coast US to the east coast and installed myself in college. My mom couldn’t afford to accompany me. It was rough, but I was glad I did it. DD is a few years off from heading to college but is talking about staying close to home — I don’t know what to think about that…. I realize that I’m not answering your questions, I’m just musing. Good luck!

Aquamarine

Veteran

Such a hard thing to do, Mom! I can’t even read about drop-offs (and they’re everywhere now)—it brings back the tears I shed (I’m about 10 years out with my oldest, 5 with my youngest). BUT it gets better. You get used to them being away, and then they come home again for a while. OR—so many kids return to the nest these days, at all ages. Life is different now…it’s all good. My one piece of advice is just get used to change, because it is constant during this phase of life! Hugs!

Helena

Veteran

Sal, that is so helpful and it's true, it's a lot they have to deal with in terms of really becoming adults and finding their way. Makes sense they are self focused. Hugs to you xx

Avicenna, it helps!! Love to you are you navigate upcoming transitions.

Aquamarine, YES ... Sooo many changes for the next few years, with DD only 2 years behind him as well yikes. The Buddhists weren't wrong about impermanence ruling the day! Xx

kellygirl

Veteran

How exciting for both of you! My FB feed reminded me that I dropped off DD1 seven years ago and it seems like yesterday. Agreeing that it's an adjustment--but a good one. Still lots of worry but eventually the out of sight/out of mind kicks in a little bit. I had to remind myself not to check in too often--finding that if she had an emergency (phone screen breaking, etc.) that she would call! Hang in there!!

Laurie

Veteran

It's hard to get used to the silence that falls when they leave.

The kids usually set the pace on communication. Enough unanswered texts and we adjust by not texting as much. And you will most definitely hear if something is needed - emotional or tangible!

Congratulations on this family milestone.

Helena

Veteran

Kelly and Laurie, thank you so much!! Yes that initial kick of guilt is real, but I am trying to follow his lead ... If he doesn't answer texts it's because he's fine. Also, I know he is actually in touch with DD which makes my heart so happy and also gives me peace because I'm sure if he feels neglected or needs something and it's serious, she will let us know.

Thank you so much xoxo

Irina

Veteran

Excited for both of you, Helena!
My son’s first two universities were here, in Toronto but when he moved to Ottawa for his PhD, we agreed that he would call me every night even for a few minutes, just for safety reasons. It gave me a peace of mind and better sleep. Also, saved him from my anxious texts

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Congratulations to DS, and to you! A new and exciting chapter for everyone

pirouette

My son went to university in Dublin so lived at home. But he moved out when he graduated and got a job. We were awfully lonely at first when he moved out but adjusted to it. He wasn’t great at texting and I had to adjust to that. He moved home about 18 months ago to save for a deposit so he could buy a place of his own. It was a huge shock having him back for a year but he moved out in March this year into his own apartment. We are so happy for him to have his own home as property is very expensive in Dublin and difficult to find. We don’t miss him the second time but he is good at keeping in touch and visiting us as he’s older. Helena it’s all part of being a parent and really it’s a great thing to rear children who become independent adults but it’s also hard to let them go. Wishing you well and best of luck to your son in his new college.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

A big change! Congrats to your son, and to you, for negotiating this shift!

My kid is living at home while at university so I haven't had to face this yet. This arrangement has its plusses -- and minuses!

DonnaF

Veteran

The frequency you hear from them may change from year to year; the first year we heard less. Also, and this was from a friend whose daughter is maybe five years older, the time they text is when they walk across campus between classes. So true! And very short if they attend a small liberal arts college vs a large university!

JAileen

Veteran

How wonderful for your son! I don’t have any advice, sorry. It’s just hard.

My son is a grown man, now, but I remember dropping him off at college. After college came grad school, then he moved to Georgia, twelve time zones away. Since then, anywhere he’s been has seemed closer. In fact, he and his partner were visiting for my mother’s birthday bash, and just left this morning.

Gaylene

Veteran

I spent close to two decades teaching first year university students—and, honestly, most do just fine living away from home. They get homesick, miss their former friends, and, yes, still love their parents even if they try to keep them in the background. Almost every student I ever had wanted to feel like they could manage on their own, even if they felt a bit shaky at times. Probably the best gift you can give your kid during the transition months is to bolster their confidence that you KNOW they are capable of handling things by themselves, but, as a parent, you’ll always be there if needed.

When my not-quite-18-year-old son decided to go to a university that was two days of solid driving away, it was hard. Both his dad and I told him we would be there for him whenever he needed to talk, but that we’d understand if he was busy. By backing off, he actually kept in touch quite frequently—even if it was just for a quick “hello”.

The hardest part was to never give him advice when he was feeling shaky. Instead both his dad and I just listened, and occasionally asked questions, until he figured out how to handle whatever the situation demanded. Talking to my first years in my office made me quite aware that many of them chose not to talk their parents because they (1) hated being told what to do, or (2) felt their parents wouldn’t/couldn’t understand. It’s hard to not want to “help” your child, but listening is really the greatest gift you can give your almost-adult if he/she is living away from home for the first time. Advice is readily available from older students, aides, councilors, advisors, professors, and even roommates who are going through the same emotions and experiences. It’s important, though, that your child knows that there is someone, you, who will just listen without judging, advising, or pressing. And, somewhere down the line, you just might get a call “Hey, mom, I need your advice…” YESSSS!

RobinF

Veteran

It is the start of a new phase of life for sure!

My DD went to college in our city but wanted to feel like she was away so she lived in a dorm on campus. We tried not to contact her and let her do the reaching out. She played lacrosse so it was nice having her close for games. Now she lives across the country in Utah so we don't get to see her much. Thank goodness for Facetime!

My two boys didn't go to college and lived at home for a while after high school, so it was a while before we had the empty nest thing. I think it made it easier that the changes happened slowly - we all had time to gradually get used to the new normal.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Congratulations and good luck to both you and DS on this milestone! No experience to share here, but I'm enjoying the conversation, reflections, and insights. What an emotionally complex transition.

Helena

Veteran

Thank you so much everyone for sharing all your stories and encouragement. Gaylene I really appreciate your perspective as an educator too. I am keeping myself from hovering by reminding myself that he deserves our faith that he can handle this! He's a strong and smart kid. Still, I can not WAIT for my next hug lol ... Or text even ha!

Dee

Veteran

Oh it sounds like he’s well sorted, but I know too how it feels when your children move on in life, its rather bittersweet, and it certainly takes some time to adjust to this new normal.
My guys have since finished uni and moved onto their careers but happily one of them has married and lives in a nearby suburb. The other is currently working remotely in Europe, which isn’t so great for me and my tendencies to worry but he’s loving the experience and travel opportunities and thanks to modern technology we can easily keep it touch.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I have found the hardest part of having adult and somewhat independent kids is realizing that you can no longer solve their problems for them. Anyhow mostly just here to offer an empathetic hug.

Laurie

Veteran

What Jaime said! I have said many, many times that the very hardest part of parenting has been age 18 forward. You see and know what they need but you can't do anything about it unless they want it. I was fairly shocked by this realization, to be honest. I am 11 years into post-18, and still struggle.

Echo

Veteran

Congratulations! I remember dropping my first off at school and his roommate's mum was there at the same time. She said to me, "Come on, admit it! Isn't it great to have them on their own? Haven't you been waiting for this" And I had to admit that, no, no I had NOT been waiting for this, and that I LIKED having him home! I suppose this is irrelevant, but his roommate's mum had more or less disowned him by semester's end, while my son was still more than welcome at home.

Regardless, I have three children, and they have all left for college now. They visit home often, and feel comfortable here, but enjoy it at school, too. I think it's the best of both worlds. I was SO nervous when this change first started, as Dh and I had been parents for 20+ years. What would we do without kids in the house all the time?

Well. for us, it has worked out well. We had almost lost touch after so many years focusing on the kids, but when they left, we seemed to have a Renaissance. We now take short, 3-4 day vacations together often, and we are more connected than we've been in years. The kids are all doing well, and we are doing well without them - truly the best of both worlds!

This is a really difficult adjustment! I give you credit for having a son who is happy to take on the chanllenges of independent life, and for still being there for him when he needs you. He won't forget the way you allowed him his freedom and were still there as his rock. I wish the best to you, your partner, and to him. I am sure he will thrive!

Joyce B

Veteran

Congratulations on your son’s new stage. It is hard for us as mothers, but we learn to let them go, little by little, while still being present.
My kids went to college cross country, what worked for me was choosing all of my meetings close to where the kids were, that gave me a chance to see how they were doing. Your son’s school is a little closer so you may have more opportunities to visit for events for which parents are invited.
You will figure out what works best for you, I know it is hard but trust the process, we grow up again with our children, for sure.

judy

Veteran

My adult children are people I really enjoy being with. At 35 and 40, I don't parent them any more. They are very rich relationships that I absolutely treasure. It's the beginning of that for you and your son, and I'm happy for you.
So many feelings in the adventure of parenting, huh?? We are different mothers at each stage, oh but the adjusting can be such a challenge. They change and we must too. My advice is to go ahead and grieve...the car alone can be a good place for that ...if that is what comes over you. The joy...for a new life, for a job well done...also comes over us. (and with the price of housing, at least in the US, many return home after college, so there's that too! )

April

Veteran

Helena, I only have one son but here was my experience.

For 10 years, Mr. A and I had courted from three US states apart, with the idea that when LMA went to college I would move to CT and we'd finally live together. So I had a major distraction from The Absence.

Mr. A and I got married in 2012 and LMA went off to school in 2015, in-state but a day's travel away. Didn't matter if you drove, took a train, bus, or airplane, it took a full day. That was hard.

I did my final move-out in early autumn and then we and LMA were really far apart. By then, though, LMA - who'd gone off to do pre-med - had decided he should go to art school. So he transferred to a school in NYC, where he now was 90 minutes away by train. Way better in every way.

Back to 2015 - on the one hand, the need to pack up every scrap of our house was a useful project. On the other hand, needing to put my hands on every single thing in the house led to many happysad weepy moments.

A major adjustment was learning how to shop and cook for just myself. This part was highly enjoyable and also bittersweet, teenaged boys being - for the most part - eating machines.

Now he's 27 and making great use of his art degree in Brooklyn.

Kathie

Veteran

I'm so glad you started this thread! My older one is doing a gap year- working and then a semester in Denmark at one of the folk schools- and then will be in the Boston suburbs next fall, so a short flight or longer train ride away. I'm already starting to miss him, and he's still here! Like you, I'll still have the younger one at home for a few more years, but finding I have so much more time, so leaning into everything we used to do pre-kid. And he's said that next year, I'm welcome to come to Boston anytime and take him and his roommates out for dinner:). I have a feeling that the family text chain will live on- now it's full of "Can someone pick me up?" but there's also the funny pictures and memes, and I have hope that those will morph and change and be a way that we stay in touch.

Good luck!! You've clearly been an amazing mom, and I know he's set up for success.

Helena

Veteran

I love everyone's stories so much; thank you all for sharing. I read somewhere that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside of your body and it's so true.

I appreciate all of your wisdom, encouragement and general wonderfulness xoxox

Love and luck to all your grown babies, wherever they are on their journeys too!

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