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Do you dress to offset?

Adelfa

Veteran

In Angie's "Team Tough or Team Pretty" post, Day Vies said this:

"Team pretty! I think it’s a side effect of being perceived of a tougher than I am because I don’t mince words. Perhaps it’s a way to offset the tough talk with a pretty exterior."

My life flashed before my eyes when I read this! I came of age in the '80s reading John Molloy's "Dress for Success" column. In Mr. Molloy's eyes, the ultimate sartorial sin was to present yourself as lacking authority. However I wasn't working at the time, I was raising children, wishing, if I'd only known to wish, that I had Angie to help me with my MOTG outfits.

Fast forward to the early 2000s, when I entered the work force. I remembered what John Molloy said and clad myself in dark pantsuits. After all, I wanted to be taken seriously! Gradually a truth dawned: getting taken seriously was not my problem, as I present as intelligent, intense, and full of rectitude. In a word, scary. So I switched to print skirts, casual sandals, and bright tees, but that only confused people.

I've spent several years now trying to find a way to dress in the workplace that conveys what I want to convey in a way that observers can understand. That conveys something like "Yes, as you already know I'm going to insist that you meet the State standards for your clinical documentation, but I'm also compassionate, open-minded, and not exactly what you might be expecting."

So I have some questions for you. First, do you consciously try to portray something with your clothes? Second, does what you're trying to portray fit easily with how you perceive yourself? Or finally, are you trying to offset either something about your own perception of yourself, or others' perceptions?

Day Vies is talking about trying to offset her bluntness with prettiness. One can hardly deny that she's got the pretty thing down and I'd love to see in person how this works!

What about you?

41 replies

Latest reply was from Diana

Caro in Oz

Veteran

So I have some questions for you. First, do you consciously try to portray something with your clothes?

Yes, I think clothes DO portray things so I may as well be in control of the process. No judgement, just that we are good at picking up signals from clothing & grooming that take on meaning on a personal level & a cultural one.

Second, does what you're trying to portray fit easily with how you perceive yourself?

It depends I now live in a conservative town & my husband has a high-powered job with ultra conservative people - I don't want to be the crazy wife who doesn't support her husband but I don't want to "fit in" either. It's a fine line for me.

Or finally, are you trying to offset either something about your own perception of yourself, or others' perceptions?

If we didn't care about others perceptions there wouldn't be much in the way of fashion I think.

For me balance is the key. The more I know myself the easier it is to find the right outfit for the right occasion. Off to read the other post now

Diana

Veteran

I've spent pretty much my whole life trying to offset the fact that I look young. This is why I wear specs and never switched to contacts even when it was not cool at all to wear specs. They make me look older and more serious. This is also one huge reason I was chafing at my long hair not long ago, because it made me look younger. I work in a field where the lines between different levels of authority (technician, student, post-doc, senior post-doc, professor) are not always clear cut, and I think I get mistaken for a student far more often than I would like.

I'm sure at some point the shoe will suddenly drop and I'll realize that I want to start looking younger, but I don't know when that will be.

Adelfa

Veteran

Caro, that's a fascinating line you describe--veering between being the crazy wife and fitting in to something you don't want to fit in with--wow. I am very sure that you navigate it splendidly. But it's such an interesting problem to have!

Joy

Veteran

When I first started teaching, I looked very young and had a sixth grade class (11-13 year olds). It was important to dress to show authority. I wore heels, tweed skirt suits and bow blouses and wore my long hair up. It can really make a difference. I don't see how teachers today can wear distressed jeans and tees. It would be a struggle, I'd think. Being able to do my job well and smoothly made me happy. As a first year teacher, I needed to portray authority even if I didn't feel it. I suppose that is trying to off set others' perceptions...those of students, parents, administrators, and other teachers. I knew I was capable but could easily not have looked it with the wrong outfits.
One concession I did not make. This was the day of the miniskirt and I kept my skirts shorter than most teachers did.

Adelfa

Veteran

Diana, we cross-posted--I have a DD who people think looks young (very small stature). For a while she managed a youth orchestra and she worked HARD to not get taken for one of the high schoolers in the orchestra! I definitely get your struggle! And to me your gorgeous knitting bespeaks some maturity!

Adelfa

Veteran

Joy, another cross post--and I *love* the idea that you could dress high authority but retain a signature element that was at odds! I think it can be really boring to try to dress older than you are, based on my daughter's experience, and good for you for wearing those skirts!

Teachers today--oh my--I am permanently scarred from DD's fourth grade back-to-school night (DD is now 28) when her teacher sat on a stool in front of the class leaning forward and you could see up her denim shorts and down her tank top!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I think that at work I have to balance looking professional with being approachable. As a specialty, there are very few of us who do the "white coat" thing anymore, and only in very specific settings. At the same time we still have to look like docs, as opposed to family visiting or (uhoh) a patient ourselves.

I think I'm naturally a harsh person too, who struggles a lot with being nice and kind - so having a slightly softer wardrobe does help me even when I am struggling with words or actions.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Interesting thoughts and questions. As a salesperson, I want to convey authority and approachability. I'm not sure I achieve that goal. I feel I probably tend to err on the side of conveying authority and not enough approachability; I feel I look a little stern. It's important for me to remember that smiling can be as important as the way I dress, though, in putting people at ease.
Dressing on days off, I don't think that much about image, although I am certainly dressing for what I'm intending to do on that day, and who I'm likely to see. Something to ponder!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Firecracker's line - dressing on days off, I don't think that much abut image - sums up my entire sartorial life! I have been wearing a uniform to work for over 2 decades. My clothes are, by and large, just for me, and I don't use them to project an image or offset any personality trait so much as just an extension of me and another way to express myself.

Kari

Veteran

Yes, totally, and I really relate to the conundrum that you're describing.

I have been told that I present as pretty poised and articulate, even to the point of seeming rigid or overly formal - and some of it I can't help (I've enunciated clearly since I learned to speak, according to my parents, and I can't un-learn that.) Similarly to Firecracker, I also feel like I can look stern unless I'm actively smiling - I have one of those faces that, when "at rest", can look sad, unhappy, or angry. Plus, dresses and skirts simply fit my body with much more ease than pants, and people almost always assume that a skirt = dressy (around here, anyway.)

So I deliberately try to dress in a way that suggests I'm polished and professional, but also interesting, approachable, fun, and positive. Part of that is wearing items/colors/shapes that make ME happy, and have fun with fashion rather than stressing over what (not) to wear, because I'm more apt to smile when I am comfortable and am wearing my favorite colors.

Gaylene

Veteran

My work wardrobe was all about image and managing perceptions. I learned very early in my career that whatever the audience hears is filtered through assumptions and inferences that they have made about you before you even open your mouth. As a university prof who frequently gives seminars to outside agencies such as the police, firefighters, and paramedics, I've also had to win over some tough audiences who weren't always thrilled at being told to attend a workshop given by an outsider. Wearing the right outfit could help me establish my credentials right from the start and let me get on with the business of building the necessary rapport. Figuring out the image that best worked in a situation, and dressing to portray that precise image, became almost second nature.

When I was "off duty", however, I dressed much more casually because being the only woman in a family of males meant that much of my time was spent in outdoor activities. Occasionally, I'd run into a student who'd be speechless at seeing me in my jeans or in my ski clothes. For years, I literally had two completely different wardrobes for two completely different personas.

Now that I'm semi-retired and my boys are grown, I'm starting to get more in touch with my own preferences, but it's hard not to revert back into one of my previous roles. Slowly I'm building a wardrobe that more closely fits my perception of who I am, instead of always thinking of how another person will interpret what I'm wearing. For the first time in many years, I'm actually having fun with my clothes instead of being so image-conscious or practical.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I started out in several jobs after my very first one in roles slightly higher than typical for my age. Often the fact that I was being offered the opportunity despite my age was made much of and I took my cue from that to try and project authority. Unfortunately, I lost *me* in the process and became the living stereotype of a fuddy-duddy. It did not help to have a face that looks mildly irritated unless I am actually smiling (hey, Kari!) Plus acute introversion that makes smiling not an accustomed or ready gesture. And the tendency to pontificate (what, you haven't noticed? You're too kind! No, really you are)... The conundrum of playing crotchety old wallflower who can't 'mix' or have fun reached a head when I found myself in a fashion-intensive workplace where I was easily the youngest in my role yet lacking the social skills of me peers. I did not know any better but trying to dress to fit my supervisor's picture of authority (v v pigeonholed) as well as adding maturity to set myself apart from contemporaries backfired badly--I ended up appearing frumpy and unapproachable at once, and it did nothing to help my self-confidence in a very unstable workplace.

Budget dictated that my leisure clothes were either ultra-casual cheap seconds or demoted work clothes. Not good.

Those became my daily frumpy uniform as I went freelance, working from home.

It wasn't until I started my last full-time in-office gig that I realised something needed changing, and not just my mind.

I am still searching for the right pitch. Looking too young for the job is no longer an issue, but I sound young on the phone and so prefer emails (video calls bring the shyness out full force). However, I still dress to remind *me* of my professional abilities! And am trying to strike a balance of authoritative approachability...while having fun in my closet like I did when in college. I don't think I can compartmentalise well enough for very different personas as capsules.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I definitely dress to control perception, as Caro put it. Consciously and sometimes not. I don't know if offset is always the word for it, but there are times to enhance certain things that aren't that apparent from how I carry myself. I suppose in this regard, the "offsetting" element is all about exterior perception. Taking a cue from your format:

In high school, I was a bonafide nerd in every extracurricular club available. I wanted to offset that with a statement like, "Yes, but I also know more about music than you do, and I just might kick you in the shins if you start another pregnancy rumor about me."

When I was in college, I was not interested in socializing much, and I wanted to deter catcalls from frat boys and construction workers. I dressed to sort of say, "Unless you get what's going on here, back off and leave me to my peace."

At the bank, looking back, I unknowingly dressed to say, "I don't belong here, but I'm going to do a great job while I am."

At the store, I still want to be me, but I don't want to scare anyone away. So now I hope my clothes say, "I dig rugged, quirky adventuring, but I also like pretty, shiny things, and I will not hurt you!" LOL

Adelfa

Veteran

Just got up, and so many thoughtful responses!

Lyn, I'd never have guessed that you're naturally harsh. If that's true, I think you're doing a great job at communicating something softer!

Mo, it almost sounds like a uniform can be a hidden blessing, freeing you to have fun with clothes.

Kari, Moni, I have one of those faces too and with Firecracker I'm working on smiling more. Kari, that's an interesting idea that you smile more when you're happy with your clothes! I need to think about this.

Gaylene, hoorah for a wardrobe where your goal is self-expression! You deserve it after all that!

Moni, that's quite a fashion journey! It sounds painful. I can relate to so much of it. So glad you can focus on fun in your closet.

Rae, it sounds like you've been using clothes to communicate fairly specific things for a long time. You're an expert!

Periwinkle

Around clients, I am definitely trying to portray competence, authority, and approachability. Authority may be the hardest part for me, since I am young and look younger than I actually am. But if I way overdress compared to everyone else in the office, I think that can look like trying too hard or like I am clueless to office culture. So it can be a struggle to dress in a way that gives me the extra authority I'm looking for while still looking approachable and like I fit in with the rest of my mostly business casual office.

I have found that people who know me from work are extremely surprised to see me in my "off-duty" clothes. I don't really like the idea that there is that big of a perception gap between my work and non-work fashion personae, so I have been working to narrow that. I would like to look like the same person both on and off duty, even if the clothes I wear aren't the same.

Adelfa

Veteran

Periwinkle, your post is making me realize that seeking authority in our image is fraught with difficulty.

We want to project authority but NOT:

harshness (Lyn)
lose our sense of fashion (Joy)
be stern or unapproachable (Firecracker)
be rigid or formal (Kari)
be stuck in a persona (paraphrase of Gaylene)
be fuddy-duddy or frumpy (Moni)
like we're trying too hard, or clueless to office culture (Periwinkle)

This seems very complicated.

Anonymous

For work, I deliberately dress to offset my DH's income, which is higher than that of the people who work in my office. I think it's best for my clothing to be at about the same price point as the women I work with. I also deal with the general public, and really don't want to stand out--other than to look well dressed and professional.

AnnieMouse

Veteran

I'm pretty, uh, let's go with "unorthodox" in a lot of ways, so I try to dress with a bit more of a pulled-together look than most of my team (we're very, very casual - many of my colleagues wear slogan tees, as an example). In comparison, while my outfits will seem very casual to most, in my part of my company, I look practically formal because I don't wear flipflops! Ha!

But I do have a number of piercings and sport very short hair in non-traditional colours (it has been blue for most of this year, and is currently purple). So I step it up a bit to offset that quirk factor to some degree. (Don't misunderstand me: in no way do I think I am traditionally business-y, though I do have the occasional need to wear a suit. Just that relative to my team, I appear more formally attired.)

Adelfa

Veteran

Ruth, that's fascinating! I imagine many women think about this issue, but I've rarely heard it articulated.

Anonymous

There is one co-worker who never dresses as well as the other women. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't count. I dress like the ones who dress nicely, and most of the time I'm actually better dressed than they. I don't send more $ on my clothes than they do, though. I just know how to shop the sales and make my purchases count. The thing is that I'm always aware that for many people, perception is reality, and that people don't stop to think that my DH and I may spend more on some things and much less for other things. We've always been able to look good on a budget.
I just don't want to project the idea that I'm flaunting what I have, if that makes sense. I'm a regular gal just like everyone else. I'm not a show off; I just like to dress well.

catgirl

Veteran

I know people often make assumptions based on the fact that I'm a petite Asian woman (demure, foreign, exotic, feminine, docile), and I dress to offset those assumptions, which are mostly untrue in my case. Interesting question!

kkards

Veteran

i dress to offset, but what i'm offseting has changed over the years.
when i 1st started working (yes, during the the dress for sucess age) i dressed to offset that i looked younger than i was, and that i am a small person. now, as i am one of the oldest in my office, i am trying to dress to offset that, but walking the thin line, so as not to look like i'm trying to look like a kid when i'm clearly not one.
i will also confess to not caring any more to dress in a way that makes me look larger/bigger.

MsMary

Veteran

I've posted about this before, but I really enjoy demonstrating my seniority/power in the workplace by not dressing in accordance with the traditional "power suit" women's workwear. I would like to think my pink patent leather pumps with the rainbow striped heels say, among other things, "underestimate me at your peril."

Gaylene

Veteran

...seeking authority in our image is fraught with difficulty.

Adelfa, I think you've targeted the underlying issue here. And I think, to some degree, it is age-related. Women who wanted to be taken seriously in the 80s more or less felt required to offset their femininity by deliberately seeking an image of androgynous, cool, rational, competence. In those days, it was all too common to see outsiders automatically assume a junior male staff member was "in charge", or to see a woman professor cleaning up coffee cups at the end of a meeting while her male colleagues just walked away, or, in my case, to be mistaken as the department secretary if I answered the phone. Wearing a pencil skirt with a sweater almost guaranteed you'd find yourself fighting those kinds of stereotypes. Choosing a wardrobe to manipulate others' perceptions was, for me and many of my colleagues, a way of taking control of our work lives and not being coy about wielding the power that we worked so hard to attain. I am thankful that kind of wardrobe thinking seems so alien today and, instead, most young women want to dress in a way that reflects their own personalities and tastes.

But I still will admit to cringing inside when I see a young female colleague wearing a short, tight dress and stilettos to teach a class, or a fourth grade teacher wearing a pair of denim shorts and tank top to meet with her students' parents. Relying on marketers and trendy fashionistas for wardrobe inspiration isn't without its perils. I sometimes wonder if not caring about others' perceptions can swing too far and can perhaps be a problem when young women today need to be taken seriously.

Anyway, thanks for opening up such an interesting thread.

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

I think I do dress in a way that offsets some stereotypes - my field (insurance) has a reputation of being stodgy and boring, my age can be seen as a time where some women give up, dress frumpy, become out of touch with current fashion. Also, I am shy and don't call attention to myself with words or actions. My office skews to the casual side of office dressing. Put all these things together and I could easily disappear into blahs-ville. I dress in a fun, colorful, feminine, modern, dressy style that I hope says to the world, "I am open to new things, think differently from others, and you don't want to overlook me".

Peri

Veteran

My fine line is dressing the dreaded "age appropriate" (I'm 53) while also trying to dress "youthful". I'm not corporate...I teach piano. I will always be the "old lady piano teacher"....to kids I was ancient at 35. I'm constantly getting reactions like surprise that I know who Lady Gaga is and things like that. I can't tell you how much that irritates me!!!

I don't look young, but I don't look 53 either...possibly 45 compared to other women I know. Which again, kids think is ancient. But I want to dress like I know what's going on in the world. I make sure the kids know I have an iPad and I know how to use it! I know about iTunes, and yes I have Fun on my phone. I don't live under a rock and I want to look like I have authentic style...not too trendy, but not dated either. I live in fear of dated. I may have to start using Instagram soon!

So yes...I'm trying to offset the old lady stereotype.

Anonymous

I was a piano teacher for several decades, and know exactly how you feel, Peri. Although I taught children in my home studio, I made it a point to keep the house spotlessly clean (not easy to do with 3 small children of my own) and dress as if I were working in an office. I look young for my age, and always felt the need to look professional. Seems like very few people think of a private piano teacher as the educated, competent professional that he/she is, and working in your home makes it even harder to shirk that perception. Along with dressing a certain way, I also made it a point to perform at each and every recital. I never asked my students to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

I made piano lessons fun by using board games, computer software games, etc. The games enhanced the lessons, which was valuable because I knew they weren't going to do the theory assignments I gave them. For that matter, some didn't practice that much, and I sometimes felt like a high-priced babysitter. Fortunately, I had some really good students who enjoyed lessons, came prepared each and every week, and offset the ones who goofed off. End of venting, lol!

Peri

Veteran

Hi Ruth, and AMEN to everything you said. Here is a story only you will understand and believe:

For awhile I taught at a music school. When I left to teach at home a parent actually said to me "what are you going to do now that you won't be working?".

I was doing the exact same job but it wasn't "working" since it was at home!!! So irritating! And I have a MM degree, which gives me actually more education than 90% of the parents I deal with!

Oh well, I love teaching...but it's a challenge sometimes!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

<Threadjacking continues>....I commiserate, Peri. I can't tell you the number of people who assume that I do not work, simply because I work from home as a writer. Or worse -- who assume that my creative work is not work because it is largely unpaid.

Of course all women who care for their homes or parent face that discrimination, too. If it's not paid, it's not real "work."

<End threadjacking>

What an interesting question, Jody. I've been thinking about it for a while because I could not come up with an answer. Ultimately I've decided that while I do hope to influence people's perceptions of me with my clothing, my main goal is to make them see who I really am -- not to persuade them of something I am not.

Still, at various times in my life, my appearance (including my dress) has for one reason or another confused or confounded people's expectations. Like Mary K, I rather enjoy it when this happens!

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