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Do you aim for pretty?

catgirl

Veteran

Catnip made this comment on my floral tee thread:

You look more attractive in this photo than any other I've seen of you. Before you return this gorgeous, flattering tee, please ask yourself why you don't want to look pretty.

Well, that gave me some food for thought, because it NEVER occurs to me when I am dressing or getting ready for my day to ask myself if I look pretty. Mostly for my work day I need to look professional and authoritative. After work I want to dress in a way I enjoy – functional, comfortable, edgy/UWP. It is really flattering to be called pretty, of course, but it’s just not a goal for me. It doesn't feel "authentic" to use an overused (by me, anyway) term.

At the same time, I don’t go out of my way to fight pretty – it’s just not what I find interesting or challenging, after years of striving toward an unattainable standard of beauty. If I want to look pretty in my mind, I wear my Indian clothes which feel authentic to me in that way.

As a corollary question: The tee is definitely pretty. Does wearing a pretty item make the wearer pretty?

"Attractive” is a little different. Do I want to be attractive – and to whom? Certainly, I want to be attractive to my husband, and I like dressing up now and then. But isn’t attractive in the eye of the beholder in the end? My friends and I had endless silly debates over which guy in “Lord of the Rings” was most attractive, and my very neat, proper friend commented that she much preferred Legolas over Aragorn (my fave, of course!) because his nails were always clean.

Anyway, I’m curious to hear from forum members. What do you strive for in the realm of pretty/beautiful/attractive? Or do you focus on other aspects of presenting yourself to the world?

Dressing

181 replies

Latest reply was from Deborah

Anonymous

I think there is a big trend right now for "edginess" and I often see women forgoing pretty (like hair styles or figure flattery) to achieve that edge.
For me I guess I aim for pretty or more cute.

Neel

Veteran

What on earth is 'pretty' anyway? For me pretty is pink and little girls

catgirl

Veteran

Neel, that is the question. I think there is an adult pretty (Reese Witherspoon, Taylor Swift). Or is there a pretty for everyone?

Anonymous

Great question. I've sometimes had comments on here that I look pretty, or lady-like or feminine, but I don't aim for that particularly. I just wear what feels right for me and my style preferences. I don't aim to be attractive either. As you say attractive is in the eye of the beholder ( I like Aragorn btw :)). I suspect you just didn't feel right in that tee shirt, for your style preferences. All over the world many cultures have diverse tastes on what is attractive or pretty too. It's a strange word though. Pretty, could conjure up, flowers frills, frou-frou, girly, young...

Anonymous

Definition from the OED : 1(Of a person, especially a woman or child) attractive in a delicate way without being truly beautiful.

Thistle

Veteran

Yes, I like swishy skirts, but they have to be long enough etc. I strive for professional during the work day. Someone you know has answers etc.

I guess I feel too old to be Taylor Swift pretty and have no desire to chase it.

Neel

Veteran

When someone says pretty, I think frills, bows, Cinderella type dresses and soft baby pink and baby girls. For some reason I am also thinking cute Japanese women!

Mmmmm ... Now that's my definition! For adults I think 'gorgeous', 'beautiful' and 'hot' ;).

dustt

Veteran

I NEVER felt comfortable with the term pretty. I just wasn't that girl. Do I feel attractive, yes! Does my husband tell me I'm beautiful, yes! Do I come across as strong, I believe I do. Do I still have the vestiges of the athletic body of my youth, I can see them when I look in the mirror, but I'm not so sure the rest of the world can anymore. Do I strive for edgy - no, never did, don't think I will in the foreseeable future. Are there women who are adult pretty, yes. It was just never me. As a matter of fact I too tend to shy away from styles and prints that read too pretty to really reflect who I am. It just feels and looks artificial to me and those that know me.

Helena

Veteran

What an interesting question Alaskagirl ... I have struggled with this too. I do like to be pretty, but what is pretty? I feel pretty when my hair is done, I have some makeup on, and I am in flattering clothes that I like. My mom always wanted me in "pretty clothes" (what she called more feminine - colorful, skirts, softer lines), however, pretty clothes do not make me feel pretty. My husband, who is VERY supportive of whatever I wear, would probably choose much sexier, flashier clothing for me, but I would feel like a moron in that.

So ... pretty yes ... but pretty in the sense of overtly feminine, flowery, soft or traditional ... not so much.

Re: the t-shirt ... it does look great on you. Your comment about the "pretty" part could perhaps be interpreted to sound like you are not used to looking pretty yourself (which you unquestionably are!), but I took your use of pretty to be more in line with the sense I had above, which is more a style descriptor, like classic or edgy. Certainly the comments are telling in terms of those who thought it wasn't really you.

Anyways - bottom line - nothing prettier than someone happy in their own skin. Therefore, trust your own instincts! In my humble - though evidently long-winded - opinion!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Do I aim for pretty? No, not really. It is a loaded term. I aim for attractive, I suppose. Although that is a term that leaves a lot to interpretation.

A couple of my artist friends and I (interestingly, all women) discuss the "pretty problem" in our work, and I find there is a parallel in style. If a work of art is perceived as "pretty" it is often assumed that it lacks depth and seriousness. That it's just decoration, eye candy, and doesn't challenge the viewer in any way. It sounds like we are all avoiding that perception in our style choices as well, doesn't it?

catgirl

Veteran

Janet, you articulate something I meant to say. Sometimes pretty can be seen as pejorative, as you've described. And I don't see it that way either. To me, pretty is a delicate gold heart charm on a chain or a pink eyelet dress or a sweet floral print, a fresh face or braided up do. All good though not my style.

Fascinating about the art world perspective!

cciele

Veteran

Definitely a very astute comment by Catnip. Made me think quite a bit.

"Pretty" seems to be a loaded word. Thanks for the OED definition, Diane. I wonder if the "delicate" connotation associates it with children and flowers. This is definitely the antithesis of the Warrior, so I can see why it doesn't feel authentic to you, Una.

I don't think wearing a pretty item automatically makes the wearer pretty. If I wore a delicate floral top, I think I would look goofy. Honestly, I don't have the delicate attributes that people associate with "pretty," so it ain't happening for me, at least.

As far as dressing goes, I dress primarily for the occasion and for my mood. Sometimes that precludes looking traditionally attractive, sometimes that means looking HAWT

ETA: seems like I crossposted with Janet

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I think over the years, the word pretty has gotten a bad rap. People associate it with pink, bows and frills, and somehow, not quite as intelligent. And I think that's unfortunate because to be honest, I would like to be called pretty. I would take it as a compliment and would hope it was meant in that way. Suddenly it's not nice to be called pretty and is sometimes even considered an insult, like you're talking down to someone. Again, I think this is unfortunate.

As for whether or not I personally aim to look pretty and want to be perceived that way? Sure, Why not? I want to dress in a way that makes me look and feel good and if that is perceived as attractive, all the better.

Of course, you can get into the debate over whether or not pretty is the same as feminine...

I agree with tracina that there are many current trends which don't lend themselves to the pretty dressers out there but that doesn't mean the individual wearing the edgy outfit isn't pretty, does it? It just might mean she isn't wearing an outfit that conventionally showcases her best features.

Jules

Veteran

It's not a goal of mine. But at the same time I am realizing that I am not tough, edgy, regal, ladylike, etc, and I do find myself relaxing into pretty, rather than choosing it per se. So for example I never felt comfortable in black moto-styled items, but I just bought and am loving the blush Danier moto - which I do feel is a rather "pretty" moto. And while I don't do a lot of florals, I've always had a secret attraction for certain ones. I'm thinking of growing my hair out from a perhaps vaguely edgy shaped bob to a longer, softer, prettier style. The upshot is that I've made several style choices recently where I find myself thinking, "it's pretty... and that's OK".

I don't think that tee suited you at all and I think your look is very attractive in an edgy, sexy way. Like any other descriptor, pretty is not for everyone... I'm just realizing at 40 that it may be an element of *my* style, one that I don't need to fight any more. I never really owned the tougher and counter-culture looks I was drawn to.

rachylou

Veteran

Remember Happy Bunny? "Hey, you made me throw up a little!" That's how I feel about pretty. I take it as a flattering but horrible warning sign that Mistakes Have Been Made. The bottom line is, I don't find pretty filling.

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rabbit

Veteran

The closest I aim toward pretty is graceful and sometimes sexy (in a powerful or subtle way). I like both very masculine and very feminine looks on myself, and a mix of the two.

Beautiful is a larger term that for me has to do with how I respond aesthetically to something interesting, unusual, or balanced. In terms of archetypes I find both the Apollonian (balanced, light) and Dionysian (dark, wild) ideals beautiful. UWP is beautiful to me. Extreme femininity in dressing can be beautiful to me (Lolita or feminine steampunk) if it meshes well with the personality and self image of the wearer.

Taylor Swift's clothing style isn't beautiful to me because it doesn't appear to have depth or character (but maybe TS secretly does, who knows?).

ETA: oh yeah, I'll echo what Janet says, pretty in the art world is definitely a pejorative. However the more over the top it goes in the saccharine and decorative direction, it actually comes around and becomes more valued again, because it's seen as a critique.

April

Veteran

I think of "pretty" as having to do with one's looks and grooming rather than one's outfit. Ever seen What Not to Wear? After the makeover, with professional makeup and a new haircut, the participants always look pretty. They may be dressed edgy or rocker chic or tomboy or professional or smart casual, but they always end up pretty, which suggests that it's not really about the clothes.

I think it almost means something different when "pretty" is applied to clothing. "Pretty shoes" is not the same compliment as "great shoes." A pretty dress is almost surely more sweet and feminine than, say, your average Helmut Lang number.

Incidentally, if you have seven minutes and want to smile at the topic of pretty, listen to Mike Birbiglia's story about the pretty lady on the bus:
http://www.thisamericanlife.or.....guys?act=2 from a recent This American Life.

April

Veteran

Realized I forgot to answer the question. Do I aim for pretty? Yes in my appearance, no in my clothing.

rabbit

Veteran

Oh in terms of whether wearing a pretty item makes the wearer pretty, viewers of Game of Thrones might remember Brienne the warrior in the pink dress which was designed to mock and punish her.

ETA: Being genuinely told 'you look pretty' is always a compliment though. Also I think for me femininity in dress is something I don't want to denigrate any more than being female.

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TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

When I think of the word pretty in reference to people, I see it as an essence of their entire being...It's about being happy, joyful, fun and kind spirited.. to me that is not just pretty, but beautiful! It is such a subjective word, and can have a broad scope of meanings!

I have an issue with the word pretty because in my childhood due to my cheekbones and lighter brown eyes (in comparison of my siblings) everyone always referred to me as pretty and that's all they noticed... I always wanted to be noticed for things about my personality that I chose, not something superficial... It was almost like no one expected much of me because I was pretty, not so much my parents because they always told me how smart I was too!

I've met two really great single mom's recently who are absolule delights and I see them both as beautiful... I don't think they see themselves that way...

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I don't process pretty, personally. I was not told I was pretty by my parents growing up. I've been catcalled once in my life, and I lived in Bronx for a year as an adult.
My dating life tells me otherwise.
Sometimes, someone on the forum will tell me I look pretty. I'm like, huh, really?
It just doesn't register.

Ginkgo

Veteran

Guess I aim for prettier or more attractive than god-awful, but I'm average-looking (and style-wise fall into the classic camp). Agree with Shannon that of late the term pretty has gotten a bad rap, it seems to have a connotation much more "pink" and childish than previously. To me pretty it means pleasing symmetry. But I think that you have to find a style that is in synch with your looks, your features; I don't have dramatic features or edgy looks and cannot even carry off the look of the Jeffrey Campbell Everly sandals that I pined for, the shoes seemed to dominate me too much.

Helena

Veteran

April ... genius ... you've just helped me articulate another style goal ... look pretty per your WNTW def. Thank u!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Before reading any replies, not specifically. I used to. Or more correctly, cute. I wasn't 40 yet, so cute still seemed like a good thing to go for. You know, 'oh that's cute on you' kind of thing.
Then I decided just flattering wasn't a good barometer of what constitutes a nice wardrobe. I had hundreds of flattering things that didn't play nice, or even share similar styles.
Now I want to be attractive, but within the construct of my style. For instance, I would not wear that Ted Baker shirt either.
For the record, the minute I read that reply, I knew the wheels would start spinning I almost commented myself, but left it for you, rightly.

Diana

Veteran

To me, there is a different between pretty clothes and being pretty. I don't mind pretty clothes; in fact, I like them a lot. (I like non-pretty clothes too though.) I don't particularly want or try to be pretty, though. I want to be perceived as interesting, or stylish, or chic, but not pretty. I would like to be thought beautiful but I don't think I am. Pretty seems to be to be like a watered down version of beautiful, and it's just not very interesting to me.

On the other hand, I would much rather be pretty than sexy. There's nothing that will make me go change faster than being told something I'm wearing is sexy. (The only person who is allowed to call me sexy is my husband and the truth is that I don't even really like that, although I tolerate it, LOL.) Yeah, I know. I'm weird.

ETA: I don't mind being called pretty though. I take it as a compliment. Sexy, on the other hand? I get offended. (So, yeah, now you've all been warned).

Diana

Veteran

Oh interesting. I just saw April's reply above mine. Funny that we seem to be the opposite.

rabbit

Veteran

Lol I think we need another thread about sexy. I'm all for sexy and don't mind being perceived that way when (occasionally) it happens. But I think it's another term that is subjectively interpreted and has cultural baggage.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

This is running through my head now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg

viva

Veteran

This from Diana: I want to be perceived as interesting, or stylish, or chic, but not pretty. Oh, that resonated with me so, so much.

I think of pretty as having to do with things outside of myself -- and truthfully, I am drawn to both pretty and non-pretty things: clothing, styles, artwork, design, etc.

In my family of many girls there was "the pretty one" and it wasn't me, so I think early on I tended to value other parts of my personality and character more. I am happy when I feel attractive overall, and there are days when I do really feel beautiful in what I am wearing, but "pretty" is not something I connect with or strive for.

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