Do I need to change the way I dress? - YouLookFab Forum

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Do I need to change the way I dress?

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Yesterday I had girlfriend over for dinner and we were talking about dating. She knows the guy I'm interested in.
She thinks I need to change the way I dress. Specifically she pointed out the necklace I wore yesterday saying that guys don't like that stuff.
She thinks I would have better luck if I dressed more conventionally. The funny thing is that I do tone my dress down for first dates.
The cat's already out of the bag for my fashion with The Guy. As I've seen him multiple times unexpectedly at various events, wearing all sorts of get ups.
Do I need to invest in Herve Leger dress or something?

Dressing

70 replies

Latest reply was from chewyspaghetti

Thistle

Veteran

My $0.02 is that you should dress the way you want and that makes you happy.

If he doesn't like you for it then he isn't "the one".

Besides, if you do change the way you dress now to find a significant other, are you willing to change the way you dress for the rest of your life to make him happy?

Liz A.

Veteran

It depends on the guys you are trying to date. Are you interested in dating someone who is a conservative dresser and looks for that in his partner? Then, changing your look is something to think about. NOT trying to imply that you should ever have to change yourself for anyone... or that there is no man out there who will love your look the way it is. BUT if the men you tend to be attracted to are not attracted to your look, it will hurt your prospects of getting to know them off the bat. Now if you can get to know them in other ways (outside of first impressions), they may see past it.

ironkurtin

Veteran

No offense but what an idiot piece of advice. You are who you are. What's the point of meeting some guy and NOT being yourself?

Irene

Veteran

Well, obviously I don't know your particular guy, but sentences like 'guys don't like that stuff' are pretty generic. As generic as 'guys like big boobs', 'guys hate women with short hair', 'guys don't like boyfriend jeans' or 'guys hate it when a girl doesn't shave'. Some guys like flat-chested women, some guys adore women with short hair, some guys find the androgynous look of boyfriend jeans sexy and, yeah, some guys actually dig hairy 'natural' women.

Maybe THIS particular guy likes fashion-forward women, who knows.

The thing is, fashion is part of a person's personality, especially if the person pays close attention to it. All the more in a fashion-forward person, which is your case. I see you in your outfits and they tell me things about you. I might be wrong, but I kind of don't think so. You don't want someone to like you for being/looking like someone else. Yep, you will need a fashion-forward lover guy, or at least a tolerant guy that can admire an edgy woman.

Diana

Veteran

NO. It's part of what makes you you. I mean, it's one thing to tone down your look for one date, but all the time? No, no, no, no, NO!

(Sorry for ranting. My feminist side gets really outraged when people suggest subsuming a woman's identity to please men.)

catgirl

Veteran

No, of course not. You need to be you, right up front and personal. I think you do need to recognize that a certain category of guy will be off-put by it, just as you may be off-put by how a guy is dressed. I know I am a categorical style weirdo among my friends!

Is off-put a verb?

Anonymous

No.

I can understand maybe choosing a first date outfit carefully, but how you dress is part of who you are, and if you have to change yourself that significantly, is it really worth it?

Andrea W

Veteran

No, please don't change the way you dress for someone else. I've been with someone who doesn't necessarily appreciate my sense of style for years and it has not been a barrier to our relationship. I know he thinks some of my outfits are a bit 'out there' but I wouldn't be happy if i toned down my look for someone else.
I think whoever you meet will appreciate the effort and care you take in putting together your outfits and appearance.

MsMary

Veteran

Honestly? This is hard. I know you would really like to find a nice guy and be in a relationship. And I do think that, sadly enough, your super-fashion-forward-fabulously-edgy style is probably offputting to some men. As Irene said, your current style says you need a fashion-forward guy who loves fashion-forward looks on women. So it shrinks the pool of available mates for you.

If your fashion-forward way of dressing is an integral part of your identity, then I am with Diana above -- don't subsume it to please "men" or a particular man. But if you are interested in experimenting with enlarging your dating pool, perhaps it might be worth a shot to think about dressing in a more accessible manner.

I remember once you said you try to look "interesting" because you don't think you're "pretty." I say "fooey!" to that! I think you're gorgeous and (whispering timidly) maybe sometimes your fancy fab cutting-edge clothes might actually detract from your natural beauty. Toning it down a bit might help potential dates to focus on you rather than your clothes.

I am all for dressing to make yourself happy, but "happy" has a lot of components, right?

*slinks away and waits for the brickbats*

You know I love you, right?

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I should say The Guy said to me he always noticed what I'm wearing because it's interesting. And I always have different shoes. Plus he came to my wine party and saw the Shoecase. I don't think he's seen the harem jeans.

Irene

Veteran

He noticed because 'it was interesting'.

NOT weird.
NOT ugly.
NOT freakish.

INTERESTING

You still think your friend might have a point?

Just saying...

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Anna, I think any guy who is right for you needs to at the least be at peace with, and ideally be on board with, your love of whackadoodle.

That said, yeah, there is something there. But maybe just tone it down when on a one-on-one date until you test the waters, and also maybe bring it up in conversation that you love whacky/forward fashion and explain yourself and give the guy a chance to respond. Listen to what he says and respond. Does his response rub you the wrong way? Then you know what to do. Does he express some other thing like uncertainty (then, maybe tone it down around him as much as you feel comfortable)...but he mgiht just say he loves that about you! In which case, proceed as before. (-:

MsMary

Veteran

Well, okay then! This guy sounds like he is a Fab Fashion Forward Appreciator! So... Onward!

bj1111

Veteran

Anna...what maryk said. You know i love your clothes and i would be happy rolling around in your closet. I think every goal is balanced by how hard you want to work for them. So balance your need for sartorial individuality with being (conventionally) attractive to those you wish to date. We're not talking bandage dresses, tho you will rock those, just taking off one necklace.

And just because he's seen you in your usual, sometimes a different outfit or three switches you from the friend box to possibly date-able. Who can predict what turns the switch?

ironkurtin

Veteran

Also, any guy who wouldn't date you because of your clothing is a real d-bag. Do you WANT a guy like that?!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I should say my friend is very traditional when it comes to dating and thinks the man should pay. On first dates I always offer to split the bill but am pleasantly surprised if the guy pays.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I can throw in another point based on my conversation with guys at work. I overheard them discussing some girls and one of them was saying "she is high maintenance". Guess what he meant - that she likes to dress up and buying a lot of clothes and shoes. Guys just think in these terms, especially if this is not "love from first sight' when nothing else matters.
Just something to consider...

Marley

Veteran

Well, I've been thinking about this a little bit before responding - and the feminist in me wants to say, "NO - absolutely Not!" BUT - I believe that when you are first meeting someone that you want the focus to be on you - on your beautiful hair and complexion, your eyes that sparkle, your intelligence, your interests, and your fun personality - rather than what you are wearing. I would bet that some of the guys you have met have not been able to get beyond your clothing, shoes, jewelry, etc. - I bet it distracts them from what is important - YOU. Now, I also believe that a guy can be "trained" to like or at least appreciate a certain style and be comfortable with a woman who dresses in a certain way. But, that is down the road in a relationship - not, the first date or even the 2nd date out of the box! And, its gradual - and, at some point if the guy really likes you, then the way you dress is not going to be all that important to him - and then you can go back to what you call your "whackadoodle" ways! I don't think you should give up your style for any man ever - but, I do think that if you consider what a man is going to be comfortable with when first meeting you, then perhaps you could tone it down a bit? My sister is a dating coach and I've heard her say that on the first date the woman should wear something that includes perhaps a touch of lace, feminine jewelry and some type of heel. Its non-threatening and flattering.
Let me be very clear about something Anna - i love your style - and my suggestions have nothing to do with you needing to change your style! It has to do with meeting men and establishing a comfort level with them so that they can focus on you!

catgirl

Veteran

I don't know that you need a fashion-forward guy. My DH is as conventional as it gets in terms of clothing - Eddie Bauer pants, plain oxfords, t-shirts. He dresses well for work, but conservatively - and you'd never catch him spending a lot of $ on anything to wear for fun, other than gear. What is significant is that he loves ME, and how I dress is entirely irrelevant to him.

Money is the other issue. Most guys think nothing of dropping $ on gear and technology, but an $800 bag is entirely frivolous to them. DH and I don't have joint finances, so it's not an issue - but I can imagine how it would be...

If you don't care whether he shares your fashion interest, then the field is more open!

rachylou

Veteran

I hate to say it, but if you ask me, Domestic Goddesses are a lot less interested in fashion than It Girls. However, I don't think a girl can just start dressing plain. She has to get much more interested in domestic stuff, with fashion just falling by the wayside. I don't, of course, mean she turns into a shlub; she's just less of a star in that way.

What did my neighbor say to me yesterday? She said she wanted a guy who's sophisticated and a talker and yet not a putz. That is, she's not really looking. That is, it's a real choice IMO: sophisticate or domestic.

Marley

Veteran

I agree with Jenava and bj111.

Tanya

Veteran

I am with MaryK and Marley here. As much as I want to say that one should dress the way they want all the time, when it comes to matters of the hearth sometimes it might be better to tweak things just a little bit. Having said that, I do not think you should change the way you dress significantly or at all, just tone it a little bit till you get to know the guy better. I wouldn't go so far to wearing something generic that all guys like, more like subduing it a little, but it should still feel like you. I do something like that for lab all the time. And weirdly enough, while I prefer bombshell type clothing for going out (like the red dress in my WIW post), I would tone it down for a first few date as I want the guy to focus more on me as a person than on my body.

deb

Veteran

Anna, I do not think you should change your style to please anyone. I believe you need to be happy with what you wear. That said, it might be an interesting experiment to see if you get more dates if you clothing style is changed. Our personalities are basically the way we are but the impressions we give people when they first view us is changeable. First impressions really do count. As do second and third impressions.

Have you thought about asking him his feelings on the way you dress?

rachylou

Veteran

p.s. But you ditch 'em, right, if they accept your offer to split the bill? Hehe.

unfrumped

Veteran

My response is kind of generic so maybe doesn't address your particular situation in a really personal way.

Maybe it is more about being sure one is dressing for one's sense of style and fun and that that comes through. As opposed to dressing to compensate for things that aren't real. As in, lots of folks have been indoctrinated that they can't wear this, or that, due to body shape, or hair color, or age, or whatever, or are embarrased to think in terms of trying to be pretty--lord, who would even try, if we used the fashion models as our only yardstick.

And then within that, seeing if there are "message" goals (modern, sophisticated, playful, professional, approachable, or many others) that are also coming through.

So if I think about a style change or evolution, I hope it's not just to please someone I've never met, but more about getting more and more in tune with my style, my stage in life, what's fun about fashion, and learning what really works for me or doesn't.

And if I look for feedback on outfits, I might or might not agree but at least I get feedback about how it looks to someone else and I can take that into account. Hence the whole concept of whether one is finding achieving "my style persona" and at what point I may decide to shift it this way or that.

So for example, generic advice of "just be yourself" in fashion no matter what isn't really the modus operandi here or no one would ask for K/R, or advise to try something longer or shorter, and all of that--it's about fit, proportion, figure-flattery, color beauty, and then trends, dated-ness or lack thereof, effortlessness, chic-ness, and the whole "ensemble" as Angie describes.

Well, I guess that's no help!

Anonymous

Why don't you run yourself an experiment here? Try a more simple outfit and see what response you get. To me, my clothes do not represent who I am, they are designed to adorn or highlight what I want to be the emphasis. That emphasis has changed over the years...So. I really don't have an issue with changing styles to suit the occasion. Do you feel greatly represented by your clothes? If not, who cares? Try something simple for a while.
And I am sorry but we all change to some extent, when trying to build a relationship. Some changes are more subtle, others are more notorious. Granted, I am accepted for who I am, but that "who" changed a bit as my relationship grew. There is nothing wrong with changing things, especially with something so external as clothing.

K. Period.

Veteran

Anna, did you ask your friend for advice on this? Or did she just volunteer it? I think the answer kinda depends (like 30%) on that distinction. If you asked her because you feel like your dating choices are somehow being nipped in the bud and you can't put a finger on why, then her comment has a nudge more relevance than if she volunteered it (no matter how kindly meant) out of the blue. Also, how much does it matter to you how a man dresses and whether he shares your interest in fashion?

The feminist side of me says hells no, absolutely don't change to try to meet or court a guy. He should be ready to meet you on your ground and be happy with how you present yourself. However, that's a fantasy and it presumes that men don't dress up to try to make themselves attractive to us. I think they often do, but they don't have nearly the vocabulary that we do to do it with. They prettify themselves just like we do. It is harder for us to see and appreciate sometimes though.

I think that also presumes that men are never intimidated by women, which also isn't true. Most men think women know everything about fashion and are a little intimidated by us. They see it as firmly our power ground, not theirs.

The guys you meet may feel you are out of their league. (And honestly, if you make so many of us fashion lovers here feel utterly unqualified to tweak the fashion fantasticness that is you, can you blame them?) They may feel like they are just everyday Joes and aren't going to be up to your standards so they back off. Ratcheting back to a more conventional style may help them feel more comfortable. I've commented before that I prefer one of your date outfits over another because it is more approachable. Basically, that's this issue.

The other consideration is just plain attractiveness. I don't believe in love at first glance. I do believe that people first decide whether they are interested in spending more time with someone based on attractiveness. We don't have enough facts to act on, so we act on the first obvious one we can see: is this person attractive enough for me to learn more about them. Guys are just like gals. What they find attractive can't be generalized and any attempt I make to do that isn't going to be fair to some of them. However, the more conventionally attractive and conventional your look is, the more people you are going to attract. You have to decide where the line is where you aren't really being you and stick to it.

unfrumped

Veteran

I like zap's use of the word "occasion". I adjust my outfits for the occasion and like to do so--professional, party, picnic, funeral, on and on. Sure, for all of those I can still "express myself" but for lots of occasions I am trying to connect with other groups. Connect is the key word, I think, not sublimate. I'm sure people skew more or less that way in terms of dressing "empathetically" , or fitting in, which is one way to look at it. but the point is, there is certainly precedent for basing outfit adjustments on more than one factor.

shedev

Veteran

I say no, dont change. There are plenty of men who wont be scared off by clothes and some who will appreciate your off beat style. My mate likes it much better when I venture into steampunk or goth influence than when I follow trends. He doesnt really think Demonia knee boots are too over the top so there's not much that I could come up with that would phase him. He doesn't follow fashion himself. So there are plenty of men out there who will appreciate your style.

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