Just "listening", Mochi. XXXXXX

You have already got a lot of wonderful advice. Just adding my two cents: There is this concept called "Givers & Takers" by Adam Grant. The book gives solutions for Givers on how they can avoid disappointment. This maybe a good link to get started on some of these strategies: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....09534.html

Aw Nancy, I know how much these people mean to you. I've had to adjust my expectations from mostly everyone these days. The reality is, I seem to
be one of those people, whom never seem to get a thank you or a nice gesture from people, of all walks of life, when I go out of my way. I just keep on moving. It does stink when I see others getting recognition from those same people, on similar gestures, but I try to patch myself back together. I am sorry I don't have anything useful to provide other than yes, I can relate and yes, people can suck.
Cheer up my tango bailarina

(Hugs, Lina)

Sending positive vibes your way Mochi. I think that is what off topic is partly about to vent to share and to affirm that is what I am taking away. Finding a commonality. So feel free to hijack all you want to.

(((hugs))), Nancy.

The others have given far better advice than I ever could but just wanted to let you know I'm listening and sympathizing. Email me if you want to grab a coffee and vent in person.

I want to grab a coffee, but not to vent, but because I miss you and Isabel and my Boston/Cambridge YLF crew : )

I wish we were all around a cafe table right now. This community is so wonderful.

Nancy, I think it's true that you need to find your People but also your Thing -- whatever form that might take. Photography, rock-climbing, whatever. Sometimes we try something and eventually move on -- we find the activity, and then the people associated with the activity, and then one or the other sticks with you. Or doesn't. I discovered running, found a great community there but I'm not a tight member of it, and have now as a result found bicycling. Again, there's a community there (even more of its own culture than runners), so I doubt they will become my People, but I love the activity. I definitely feel like I've found some of my People through photography. So I say follow your instincts and interests, even if they seem impulsive and tangential. I signed up for that first half marathon in a very impulsive momemt, and as my husband will tell you, I am rarely so impulsive about something that is such a commitment!

Have fun and explore. I just wish we lived closer -- it would be fun to introduce you to some of the photography stuff going on in my area.

Oh, Nancy! I wish I could offer some good advice about how to find one's People! My own method is "stumble around for a ridiculously long time trying things that don't work out, and then get lucky when you least expect it." If there's anything helpful in there, I guess it's "keep trying and don't give up."

And yeah, I wish we could all have this discussion in person!!

Hi Mochi,
Please forgive me for commeting since i'm not that regular anymore around. But i resonated so SO strongly with you and your problems with AT community. Like you, I have taken up AT 3 years ago. Found some WONDERFUL teachers ( begginer first 6 months than advanced classes) and a niceish social circle. However, me and my husband we were commuting there 45 minutes by bus so we couldn't stay out after the classes . Also we didn't go to all the practicas and milongas ( we maybe went to 2, or 3 a month as opposed to people who were weekly at least) . And I felt the SAME exclusion and cliquishness . 2 of my 3 teachers never EVER asked me to dance socially. Also the guys in my group were not inviting me that much. I felt paranoid and stupid all the time. and tense which slowed my learning A LOT. However, i took a special seminar for a month about the musicality and position and it was marvelous . What i learned to feel in my body was beyond everything i felt and i also listened to music differently from now on. Initlially i though maybe my ( very shy ) husband intimidated other partners ( the only people who would invite me , at max once every other milonga ) were doing this when he was at the bar/bathroom. But i went to a at ball once ( with my godfather and godmother) and i danced maybe 3 tandas ( at least one with my godfather). So i get how exclusive and weird they are.
I tried different practicas schools . We went to 3 milongas ( of 2 schools) and hubby and I danced just the two of us. No one invited me ( it's true my dh did not invite anyone. he has different views on this and is a VERY shy person) . Despite the tango host greeting us warmly we just did not blend it. AT ALL. We loved the dance and we still sometimes do ( socially, at weddings, private parties, etc) but it's a tough community. AND i've seen girls that were WAY behind me going to the studio each and every weeknight and once int the week-end. Repeatedly asking men to dance( something i mostly refused from a stupid pride POV. /not wanting to appear pushy/being refused). Being all nicey and girly and hanging out with them. And believe me, the number of leaders/followers was/is balanced. AND I'm an extrovert.
What i'mm trying very verbose to say is "it's not them is you". If you want to play the social cliquey game, sit at the tables with the cool people. Asking all the males you know for one tanda, it will work. People will see you on the floor so much and you'll grow confidence and all. It's just you have to decide if you really want to do this and do it as a fun thing without opening your heart to this people.
The passion for dance is great. Me and my husband argued frequently over ganchos and don't start me on boleos. I pretty much almost hurt my back when he learned how to lead boleos ( he's 6ft3 i'm 5ft3) . But i found you can't really lie to a person/hide your feelings when you tango so for us it's a good way to open communication when we're stuck in a problem .
I say don't give up completely on dancing. Maybe join in paralel a salsa comunity. People there are WAY MORE FRIENDLY. And if possible go to a seminar somewhere ( with those argentine guys making tours or smth) or at a beach location. There you're a class , all paid stuck toghether all wanting to learn as much as possible and it's like college all over again. More openess.
I don't have a solution. I just commiserate.

I've only done salsa a little bit as a beginner, and never tried tango but I second the VERY friendly and also there were often more guys than girls so everyone got asked.

The thing Mary says about finding your community, and it taking a few goes, I've definitely been through that. One thing that I've noticed a few times is that you can often tell the first time you visit a new place. If you have to 'work' to break in and have people be welcoming and inclusive, it often isn't a good bet in the long run -- and I'm fairly gregarious and make an effort when meeting new groups of people.

If everyone is immediately hi! yay! we love new people! come do this other thing with us next week! and you can tell they mean it, it's a good bet.

That's so interesting, rabbit. When I think back to the day I dropped in on that community practice (which was not run by my teachers, to be clear), when I'd only been studying tango for about two months, so I was just checking the place out....I remember how no one talked to me. It was really weird how standoffish people were (I was sitting near some women, watching people out on the floor).

One of the many gems I've garnered from this discussion is that life is too short and I don't want to have to win people over--at least not have to work this hard at just making simple connections with people. This is not a career, it's something I'd be doing in my free time for FUN. Why should I be knocking myself out trying to impress people?

It's true, we've all experienced those immediate, easy connections, and this is what I want.

So the scope of what I'm looking for is now greatly enlarged, or maybe I should say deepened and made more precise, over what I originally hopped on here to vent about.

Thanks, everyone!

(And to be more clear, and fair, the first time I went to the 3-hour crash course taught by my two teachers, they were incredibly welcoming, warm and engaging.)

I haven't read through the whole thread. First, a giant hug to you. You are a gem - I know that having met you and seen your warm energy.

Not much to add, I just want to expand on what Mary said. Some people don't get it, others get it but choose not to step up, and others are truly incapable of stepping up due to their own limitations. The latter type still seem toxic and in many ways they can be, but nothing can be done. And so I make the choice to think of them as pitiable in some way - not to enable them but to allow myself to feel something other than rage or depression. Such people will never experience the joy of giving along with taking, as you have.

Nancy, the difficulty here is that this type of dance requires a partner. What about getting your hubs and/or a friend on board? I think that would resolve a lot of issues.
As far as fit, well, that's hard. There are people who are nice, just not to you and there are people who are just not nice to anyone. Who cares why they do what they do? I know it in my heart that I am not the darned problem. I have actually decided to distance myself from a very specific group of people, whom I had in high regard, because I felf that they were not reciprocating TO ME, while they seemed to be quite nice and appreciative to others. Life is too short to be a placemat. Cest la vie.