Yes, Mary, I was mulling over something very similar just now. Slightly different: more like, I know I could ask and probably get a dance out of him/them, but if the problem is my feelings of being taken for granted/not being treated equitably IMO, the asking for a dance is not fundamentally changing anything. So I have to think about that one. (On edit: I guess it's pretty much what you said, eh.)

And the upshot is, I want to be appreciated. I always have to be difficult.

I agree with MsMary all the way. My take on this is HE doesn't need to change because the situation suits him just fine, so trying to appeal to some sense of mutual give & take will never work.

There needs to be some balance in relationships not a tit for tat, score keeping, I'll do this so you do that, but real balance. I've said this before but if relationships don't work out about 50 - 50 then someone gets really peeved imo. In this case it's you.

Mochi the way I have learned to deal with these situations is to stop giving for a while. It's difficult I know, but you'd be amazed at the feelings it brings up (& resolves).

Do you really enjoy dancing the Tango with these people? From what you post it seems more angst than pleasure.

Yeah, Anna, it's starting to feel that way. It was a honeymoon period in the beginning. I love the dance itself so much. I have a really hard time with the social aspects (large groups, cliquiness of longstanding members, seeing classmates who started at the same time doing much better at the social part). It's very hard for me as an introvert. It's damned if I do or don't, because I'll feel so sad if I quit. I don't know how to resolve it. But these crises, my two teachers have been very much aware of, which is why it's so disappointing.

And caro, I think you're on to something. Maybe if they're shaken up, they will think more about it. They really need me more than I need them.

Thanks for all your feedback. I feel like I've hijacked Off-Topic with a relatively minor issue (in the larger scheme of problems). I SO appreciate everything you all had to say and share. Xoxoxoxoxo!

Another "complication" (in a good way) is that suddenly recently I'm gaining a reputation and some skills as a photographer at these social dances. It's opening up a lot of doors for me, or it has the potential to. So in some shape or form, I'll be involved in this milieu. I do want to dance as well. It's not going to be a case of just leaving this scene. I have to find some sort of resolution, and not feel like I'm quitting.

I love the advice you have received on this thread, and Ms.Mary if you are reading I would like to pre-order your book on how to deal with people because time and time again I am impressed with your matter of fact, yet terribly insightful, advice. Sigh, you are being under appreciated Mochi, but I do think Mary is right and some relationships must be taken as offered or dumped. It is tough to know what to do.

Mochi I want to cry that you think you are the one being difficult. You are not being difficult, you are being normal. Listen to Ms Mary.

You are in a hard situation, Mochi, because this couple seem to be careless, not clueless (which is different), about how their actions and priorities affect your feelings.

Your love for tango really shines through and this couple, flawed though they might be, were instrumental in helping you develop this passion. But, I can't help but wonder, do you still need the same kind of relationship with this couple in the future as you did in the past--or will your passion for the dance carry you forward even if your involvement with them lessens?

I really hope you can figure this one out so you are able to continue with your love for the dance, despite the actions of this couple. Hugs.

Mochi, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I know nothing about ballroom dancing, so that you for explaining in detail what is going on.

I agree that you are being taken for granted. If I were the instructors and knew how much you wanted to dance, I would be more than happy to oblige! I would in fact be flattered that you were so happy with my instruction that dancing was the only "payback" you wanted from doing the gallery sitting, etc.

I also agree that perhaps finding a way to get the instructors to dance with you might not really resolve the root of the problem, which is that you are not being appreciated. Even if the instructors agree to dance with you after you have another talk with them, you will know that you practically had to pull their teeth to get them to do it, which in my opinion would take the fun out of the dancing.

You have said that you like the way these people teach but that you are having a difficult time with the social side of things. Do you think it would be worth it to check out one of the other studios? Although the teaching of the dance steps itself might not be as good, perhaps they would be stronger on the social end, which might be a bigger benefit to you, at least for now?

I think it's wonderful how much you love the dance and how willing you are to give of yourself and your time. I don't think it matters how much you give or do, this man sounds selfish, self centered and he is not capable or willing to give you any form of appreciation. Keep dancing for your love of dance. Volunteer if it brings you pleasure but try and accept the fact you won't get what you need from him because it is just not in his nature to do so.

Mochi I've posted to you before about how much I can relate to the social anxiety portion of this. I just want to say that I really admire that you've stuck with it for so long. It also seems to me that you are getting a lot out of it, but obviously not everything that you need right now. I don't have any great advice but I am hoping this just turns out to be a blip and that you will find a way to keep pursuing this passion.

Wow. I'm sitting in the hallway after a session with my therapist. He advises me to at least transition away from this particular community, and very likely move in from tango to something else. It's not a shock to hear it from him, except that it is. Feeling extremely emotional.

Hi again! I'm wondering what you get from Argentine in particular? I have done it but love too many dances to stick with just one. And I would predict based on what I know and have heard others say that the ballroom community is more open and welcoming than the AT community. I thought that was just local but after what you say I'm not sure. For one thing, at ballroom socials women are quite expected and encouraged to ask men to dance...no archaic rules with us!

Maybe you would like ballroom tango as much as argentine. Or maybe the slow and sultry rumba would give you the same feelings. Please give other forms of dance a try before you exit dance altogether!

I so agree with Peri that you should try other forms of dance and other venues. You don't have to give this place up but open yourself up for other dances and people.

I'm going to share something that I hope will help you see a little light at the end of the tunnel: Twice in fairly recent years I have had to leave communities I loved that were no longer working for me, and both times it was hard, but both times I eventually found something even better to fill the empty space.

First time I had to give up martial arts, for a variety of reasons ranging from "the dojo moved further away from my home" to "when you get to be over 45 you stop wanting people to hit you in the face." I reallly missed the awesome comaraderie of the dojo but I kept looking and finally found it in my awesome small private gym.

Second time was harder -- I gave up my religious community and that left a huge hole, and then the new church I joined turned out to be a disappointment, and then darned if I didn't find exactly what I was looking for (service, friends, singing, potlucks) by joining my local Rotary Club!

The lessons I learned from these experiences were (a) sometimes the replacement thing doesn't look exactly the way you will expect it to look, and (b) don't give up because if you keep looking you will find your people!

MsMary, that is great advice for all of us!

Nancy, I'm late to this, and I see you've already received wonderful words of wisdom and advice (yay especially for Mary!), but I wanted you to know I understand how you feel and cannot say you're difficult or demanding at all! Everyone needs to feel appreciated, and I would totally feel taken advantage of if I were in your situation.

You will find the right answer. Big hugs.

Mochi, I think this couple is getting far more from you than you are from them. You said they are not the only game in town, so prove it. You have had the experience of their teaching to get you started, but what you need from the dance community is now different from what they are able to provide. Changing groups and feeling like you are starting at the "bottom rung" again is very hard, but I think your experiences with this group have perhaps warped your expectations. There should not BE a "bottom rung." You should not have to work so hard to be accepted.

At least TRY the other dance locations. Look first at the quality of the PEOPLE there and not the instruction. You have the foundation laid and know the dance; what you need now is an open and accepting community. With your background and your other skills (including photography), you ought to be welcomed with open arms into a community that wants and needs you as much as you want them.

And I really do think that people like the couple you are describing are UNABLE to give what you need. Although they exist, few people are so terrible as to know you need something so relatively simple and refuse to give it. These people and specifically this man is unable to grasp your need. He knows you want to dance with him and want him to ask, but emotionally he cannot empathize and feel what you are feeling. He is unable to truly know what you need because he cannot feel it. Forgive him (like he has a disability - because in a sense he does), and move on. There are dance communities who would give their right arm to have you involved, and I think it's high time you valued yourself enough to find one.

Mochi I am so sorry that you feel you are being difficult. I don't think so at all. I am not sure that any actions or inaction will change the teacher because he sounds very self involved - which makes it about him and not you at all.
There are loads of options for a wonderful person like you!

You all are the greatest. Thanks for giving your thoughtful responses. Mary especially. My goodness, you are a national treasure! I wish you would write a book or advice column. Or just hang around all day long guiding me through my daily fumblings.

One thing I have been thinking about, and also need to clarify. My two teachers--I started venting here out of frustration with their (varying degrees of) self-interest. If I do stop tango (not positive, and I am appreciative of the other suggestions Peri and others have made), they wouldn't be the reason--their occasional myopic behavior hasn't helped, and is kind fueling my emotions in this decision-making process. But they are one little school in a larger community, and that community is the problem. I have my classes with the two teachers, and I like them in that setting. They host the monthly dances, and then they show up (not all the time) at these larger weekly practices--which are not hosted by either of them. They're just there to dance and help out, if they want, like everyone else, and they're not on the job as teachers at the practices. There are at least a handful of other teachers out there in Boston, and then just a large number of dancers who come to the practices and it's the overall tango community that is a very hard nut to crack socially. (Peri could be right that there is a snooty, or at least somewhat cool, attitude in the community. They are clique-ish.)

I'm facing disappointment with my teachers, for whom I've done a lot of pro bono work. But ultimately and for the quite a long time now I've had major trouble making inroads in dancing at the practices and dances...but it's also been easy to make excuses before, when I was a mere beginner and I understood why people would prefer dancing with someone of higher ability.

Now that I've come a long way, I see that I'm still having a tough time getting asked, and meanwhile classmates of mine who've been studying less than me are leaping ahead socially and once that's the case, it becomes like a vicious cycle where I will have a harder time improving....if I get less dance time. Plus, it's obviously no fun.

So switching teachers is something I will try for a month-long class cycle, but I don't hold any major expectations. I do need to disengage from the school I was at, just because it's too troubling and loaded for me right now.

Therapist thinks there are many more things I can do for fun and growth, such as photography, that will not bring on such feelings of inadequacy in me...I am sad to think he's probably right. Plus what Mary was saying--the more I think about it, the more I feel it's not really my community. It's not quite the right fit, though there were some excellent moments and some really nice people. But as I've been advised today, there's nothing wrong with me and nothing I can fix about myself so that I can make this work. Sigh...

This has been a major and rocky shift for me, and I'm dealing with a great deal of sadness. But it's good that I've started to see things in a better light.

Thank you all again.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this x Could you perhaps have a go at Zumba as a possible replacement? It's still dancing but is more of a 'solitary' sport in that you can take part without a partner x

Thanks for the suggestion, Louise. I am not sure what I'd take up to replace tango. As if there's one thing that would work. Maybe start working with a trainer, doing kettlebells. (Right now I am working out at home, along with some DVDs. I do know a very good trainer the next town over.) Something is lacking that tango has...art, beauty...but dance is problematic, if it still involves being at the mercy of someone else deciding to dance with you or not.

The men-women ratio in tango was definitely working against us women, as well.

At the risk of repeating myself, I want to encourage you to keep looking for your People. I didn't really post about it while it was happening, but at the time I was separating from Mr. K I joined a new church and my experience was pretty similar to what you are describing ... despite my best efforts, and despite my feeling like it SHOULD be a good fit, I could. not. get. any. traction. at. all. with those people. I'd do my volunteer thing and nobody would talk to me and I'd go home and feel awful.

I was marveling over that today as I walked back to work from my Rotary meeting, where I am, for reasons that are rather obscure to me, the belle of the ball on an ongoing basis. For some crazy reason they are just crazy about me, they are happy to have me in their club, they invite me to their events and to sit on their committees, and it's just ridiculously great! And I would never have gotten to experience it if I'd kept beating my head against the wall that was The Church That Didn't Fit.

These are not your People, Mochi. Keep looking. Your People are out there.

That's reassuring...but how do you recommend I find them? I mean, I want to find them thru doing something I love, and I'm not yet doing that.

Mochi, I do a little bit of ballroom and two step dancing which both require partners but my true love is line dancing where you are dancing alone but along with others. Maybe you could try something like that. You get the dancing, the music and the comradery but only depend on yourself. Maybe you could try a line dance class.

Sometimes you find people you love through things that you didn't think were really "you" ... and that's part of the beauty of new friends, discovering yourself!

I recently started to rock climb which is totally not my kind of thing, but the fellows are all really nice and no one has dropped me yet!

Chin up, Mochi - remember, it's them, not you. Also, what your therapist says isn't gospel.

Nancy, I have met you and you are the sweetest woman in the whole wide world. I want to fly to Boston and...well, trying to be non-violent here...tie their Tango shoes too tight! Or tie them together (and then light the laces on fire, heh). Sorry! I get angry when people mess with my birthday twin.

You have gotten some great advice here and I tend to agree with it. This guy, especially, sounds kind of passive aggressive and narcissistic. At any rate, my little, "toxic, toxic, toxic!" warning buzzer was sounding as I read your description of the events. It sounds like you are not being respected, so I hope you will at least have the self respect to remove yourself from this constant source of pain.

Even if you demand that your instructor dance with you and he (miraculously) deigns to comply, wouldn't it be an empty victory at that point?

I respect you, and I think you're terrific!

Awww, Claire. Backatcha in spades! Mwah! That is so sweet. I'm sorry to have gotten you worked up in the AZ heat (it's cold and drizzly here in Boston).

lyn*, interesting. Maybe I can just take a long, undetermined break. And not do ANY work for them during that time, as well as classes with them. I have to sort out all the stress, because as I said, much of it is not coming from their operation but from the larger community. I am realizing that this is not my "family" as Mary would refer to it, but maybe not necessary to throw out baby with bathwater? I can just take a break for as long as I like, or however I want to do it.

Thanks for the suggestions, Cheryl. And Mary again provides her great perspective which really adds so much depth and insight and always makes me feel better somehow after reading it.

xoxoxo
Good night for now!