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Difficult project: Developing a family wardrobe capsule

Michelle

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Veteran

Many of you know that visits to my family often involve tension and sometimes out and out clashes on my appearance and wardrobe. The route cause of it all is my weight, and none of you can help me with that (especially since I can't seem to help myself), but my mom in particular is very critical of outfits she deems to be "unflattering," for which we must read "slimming."
This Christmas is shaping up to be a doozy in this respect. My confidence is at an all-time low, there are parties and other functions lined up at which I will be expected to do everyone proud, and I'm already panicking when I think about it. I think the time has come to compile a family wardrobe capsule -- things I can wear there without stressing too much.

Below I am going to paste eight pictures. The first four are items of clothing that she approves of, the second group of four consist of items she has slagged in the past.
Can you help me isolate a pattern as to the type of item that's well-received in this circle? This will help me sort out the rest.
CAVEAT: I am not dressing *exclusively* for her benefit. the clothes I'm posting in group one are items that I like as well. I'm not trying to come up with an alternate universe wardrobe here -- just stuff that can keep everybody happy.

Group 1
1. She loved my cobalt dress. Good thing -- it's one of my favourite wardrobe items.
2. This purple top is one of her favourites on me, and she/dad gave me the earrings I'm wearing. Pants like this (i.e. classic dress pants) are popular with her -- she likes me better in pants than skirts.
3. They live in the country and casual attire usually carries the day, and she quite likes this cardigan on me. It's cozy and comfortable for the setting.
4. She's a big fan of this red top. Never saw the skirt.

Group 2
5. When I wore this top at her place, she said it emphasized my fatness and I wound up changing.

6. I nearly burst into tears last Christmas when she wound up hating this dress, which met with universal YLF approval

7. This ombre cardigan wasn't overtly criticized, but clearly wasn't a big hit either

8. This now infamous dress won a thumbs up on the colour, but not on the style. It's supposed to be a turquoise dress, so let me know if I posted the wrong thing.

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34 replies

Latest reply was from Ornella

Michelle

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Three more items that have been approved over the years, in case it helps with silhouettes etc.

1. This dress, which I wore to a wedding we both attended this summer. I adore it too.

2. My red winter coat. Good thing -- it's nan investment piece for me and I love it.
http://i985.photobucket.com/al.....photo4.jpg

3. This suit, which I refuse to wear now but which she helped me pick out 4.5 years ago when I was about to start my first real newsroom job. Don't worry, it's not a present-day option for me, but thought it might give you an idea as to her taste.

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annagybe

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Michelle, I wish I could find a theme but frankly I'm flummoxed.
One thing is certain I'm glad you retired that suit.

Mo

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Veteran

I may not be much help here - I like #5 from the first grouping (the 'fat' top - NOT fat at all!) and #1 from the second post (the blue dress with ruffled neckline). I also can't really see a theme as to the likes of your family. sorry.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

She seems to like you in a solid, fairly saturated color (or color on top with black on bottom). Go for gemtone colors (but leave out turquoise/teal since she didn't like the turquoise dress), and conservative cuts/pieces. She seems not to like pattern, pastels or trendy items.

Kari

Veteran

Michelle, I wish we could all be there to boost your confidence. What a bummer that going home for the holidays is so stressful. Just an idea - can you save some of your favorite YLF comments about your outfits or about your style on a laptop or something so that if you are hit with uncomplimentary remarks or lose your confidence, that you can remind yourself of how fab, beautiful, and polished we all think you are?

I'm sorry that your mom wasn't crazy about #5 and 6, because I think you look completely stunning in both, and #5 especially seems VERY slimming. I really don't see anything about the group of photos #5-8 that is unflattering to your figure.

It looks like your mom is more a fan of solids than patterns (either one uniform color, like a dress, throughout your entire body or two dark colors on the top & bottom, like #2 and #3 from the original post.) I would guess that she would like seeing you in similarly saturated colors - not a high-contrast outfit such as a light top & a dark colored skirt together. Maybe you can use brighter colors in your accessories instead.
It also appears that she is more comfortable with or apt to approve of fully classic casual outfits (perhaps not skinny jeans or tunic length tops, or adventurous silhouettes like the turquoise cocktail dress.)
I hope that this helps you some, Michelle. Big, big hugs to you.

Aida

Veteran

Michelle, I feel like the pieces your mom OKed are far more "safe" than the ones you love that she didn't. Maybe she has a hard time with you taking fashion risks as a larger gal and feels that you need to "blend" (that's the vibe I get from all of the pieces you posted that she likes) instead of stand out, though if true I think it's is an unfortunate way of thinking.

I like the idea of creating a capsule for these family occasions, especially if the clothing is causing you undue stress (no fun!). Both blue dresses are beautiful, but I feel like the others fall a little flat of your usual stylishness as shown; however, a lovely pair of shoes and some showy accessories could spruce them up nicely (except for the suit, I'm glad that's out as an option ) and hopefully meet everyone's approval.

I'd love to see a statement necklace with #2, and maybe some shiny/sparkly shoes with #3. #4 is trickier, because I'd love to see a sparkly/fun belt but if your mom didn't like #5 (which I LOVE and looks wonderful on you!) that probably won't do. How about a silky/shiny top with the cardigan partially buttoned up?

I hope you have a great holiday with as little stress as possible!!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Anna: me too!
Mo: Hehe, I share your confusion.
Khris: Good eye, thanks for spotting the pattern. I know she likes me in turquoise a lot, though. She didn't like the style of the turquoise dress, but praised the colour warmly and has frequently named it as among my best colours. In that, her colour analysis of me agrees entirely with the YLF perspective.
Kari: Interesting thought about not liking patterns...She does like some patterned tops, like this one, but you may be on to something.

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Velma

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Wow, Michelle--this sounds awfully difficult for you. I am sure you have already tried talking with her about how all of this criticism makes you feel . . .

I'd be inclined to say that you should wear things that YOU love, and stop worrying about the reaction. I've been known to cut off my own mom's commentary--and I am a lot older than you are, so I've had some time to hone these techniques!--by laughing at myself: "I know! Isn't this crazy! I just love really bright green" (or whatever).

I am honestly stumped by her disapproval of dress #6. It is so pretty on you and also has a similar neckline and cut to other items she does like. Is it possible that she dislikes black on you--perhaps finds it too "mature" or sophisticated? I certainly don't agree with her, but it is all I can think of as an explanation.

Well, she clearly likes you in blue and purple jewel tones. I agree that these shades are beautiful on you. Do you have blue eyes?

Hang in there, Michelle!! And don't let this battle spoil your holiday.

Michelle

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Veteran

Aida, I think you really hit on something key here...I believe she is ashamed of my weight, and I think you're quite right to think she prefers me in outfits that don't make me stand out, or minimize my size, or however she chooses to think about it. We've discussed this at length before, and the conversations are always dreadful and draining, but theres never much fundamental change..I just hate conflict so much that I'd rather oblige to some degree, and I really do like most of the outfits I've posted here (suit notwithstanding). I would be most reluctant to wear a statement necklace in outfit no. 2 because of the chain detail around the top, and the cardigan in no. 3 would feel wrong ti me with a sparkly belt or dressy top I included this because casual clothes will be a key part of this capsule, based on there they live).
Velma: You are obviously made of tougher stuff than me, and I admire that tremendously. Unfortunately I have never been able to shrug off her comments. We are quite close, and her opinion does matter to me. I share your puzzlement over the black dress in no. 6. She does like me in black quite a b it, and it's one of her personal favourite colours, so I don't think that's it. I think her issue there has to do with the asymmetrical skirt -- that's never been a look she got behind.

Vix

Veteran

Well I've weighed in on the boundary-setting thing before, and I know I KNOW it's easier said than done!

So this time I'll just stick to the clothes.

It took me a minute to puzzle out why so many things in Group 2 were "losers," since aside from the ombre sweater (sorry! hides ya IMO!) they all seem to play up your many assets.

But the proverbial penny clanged...it's pretty clear -- she doesn't like you in anything *remotely* sexy (even though it's "classy sexy").

And let's face it, the print of that print/black top highlights your perfectly lifted and separated bosom, that shirred black dress has major va with its voom, and the turquoise dress is classic bombshell.

Anonymous

It never fails to amaze me that one is often always a little child to the parents and older relatives, even if you are 60's and they are 80's, someone who needs their advice. My mom and I used to clash over my wardrobe too, even as a middle aged adult. She wanted to see me in girly pink, pastels and ruffles. I look awful in pastels and puffy sleeves!
I think Vix may be on to something with the idea of looking sexy. Before reading the replies I felt that the acceptable items had a bit more structure and possibly weightier fabrics. It looks like she doesn't like the narrowest part of the outfit right under your bustline where it shows off your assets (#5 & #8), but high waist seems ok as in both blue dresses and the acceptable print top.

mindy

This is my first post on my first forum ever. I am sorry to hear about your dilemma Michelle. I have to agree with what a lot of others already said, both in regard to fashion and family advice! I can't imagine wearing anything that would cause conflict in my family. It is unfortunate that you have to worry about that over the holidays. I hope it doesn't cause you undue stress and you enjoy your time with family.

As far as the outfits, I love the cobalt dress in #1. I'm not sure if you would be comfortable with this but I would add some black tights and- maybe this would be too trendy or sexy for your mom- black boots!

I think the cardigan in #3 is pretty especially if you add a silky scarf for a dressy look or a woolish scarf for a more casual look. I like the idea of unbuttoning it - if you aren't comfortable unbuttoning it completely maybe just unbutton the bottom one or two buttons. I don't know why but this always seems to make a cardigan look better to me.

I like the blue sweater too with the sparkly detail as well as the thoughts on adding sparkly accessories.

I do have to agree with mom on #6 and #7. I think the other colors and styles look better on you!

Best wishes for a happy holiday! Remember you're never fully dressed without a smile!

MsMary

Veteran

This may seem WAY too simplistic, but is it possible to only wear outfits in your mom's presence that she has already seen and liked? Then if she gives you a hard time (which, sad to say, is possible because i don't think this is about the clothes at all -- it seems much more like it's about some crazy need she has to undermine your confidence), you can laugh and say "Wow, that's crazy because I wore this outfit specifically because you said you loved it last time!"

What do you think of that option?

Oh, and if you have to repeat, then repeat. Again, if she gives you a hard time about it just say "I know you like this and I decided I'd rather repeat something you like than try something new and risk having you attack me for wearing something you don't like."

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

I haven't read what the others have said in order to provide my independent thoughts. Apologies if I'm simply repeating what everybody else has already said!

When wearing separates, my thoughts are that it appears to me that your mother seems to like black, classic (erring on conservative) bottoms coupled with rich colours up top. From your pictures, she appears to like v or scoop tops which emphasise your very pretty neckline, but she doesn't like clothes which are super clingy or tight. She likes clothes which are not clingy around the tummy area. I'd add that anything that could be construed as being faddish (I'm going to include outfits #5 and #7 in this category) is out.

I hope that maybe I've provided something useful here Michelle. I'll be thinking of you! x

qfbrenda

Veteran

I'm with Mary... I would wear something she has complimented in the past. And I would be ready with a quick speech in case she attacks anyway. She seems to just like being critical for the sake of being critical. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Gaylene

Veteran

First of all, having met you in person, I have to say that your pictures don't do you justice. In person, you come across as a poised, confident, vibrant woman with a great sense of style. But I agree with you that arguing is not the greatest way to connect with family over the holidays. Even if you know you are right, you can end up feeling miserable.

The "mother approved" outfits that you've shown do look pretty amazing. I can see why she likes them on you. To my eye, the commonality seems to be that your mother approves of anything that emphasizes your face, neck, and arms. The diagonal line on the black dress, the colour change on the ombre cardigan, and the draping on the bust in the turquoise dress tend to put the focus on other areas of your body--the bust, the area below the bust, and the waist. Obviously your mother feels that these areas should not be emphasized. Keep the focus on your face and shoulders by wearing your pearls and scarves, don't wear anything that emphasizes or fits too closely on the middle or lower body, and she'll be probably be happy.

But, for the rest of the world, know that your options are much, much broader. Wear that sexy black dress, rock those boots, and ditch that sad little pant suit.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Michelle, I think its very wise to build a bullet proof wardrobe capsule for Mum. You are not ready to set boundaries and that's just fine since that's what your instincts tell you.

Mum likes you in more conservative clothing (the cobalt dress is an exception). Nothing flirty, revealing or fashion forward. Clean straight lines and in one saturated colour. Stay away from items which accentuate your lovely curves.

Does that sound reasonable?

Kristen

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Veteran

Oh, sweetie, I think you are wise to create a mom-proof capsule for your visit and cut down on the anxiety so you can enjoy your time together. My mother has been very critical of me in the past and that was my solution too.

Seeing all of these together, I actually can see the pattern quite clearly: your mom does not seem to like anything that makes your chest stand out. The ombre pattern, the cut of the top that lovely turquoise dress, the lighter top of the tunic and the fitted belt right under -- all of that makes the girls the first thing one notices. Personally I don't think that emphasis is a bad thing -- I'm quite proud of my own girls, LOL -- but maybe your mom doesn't have the same reaction.

I don't think it has to do with the colors as much as it has to do with where the eye focuses. So as you are trying on pieces to determine if they should be included, ask Corey a simple question: "Does this make you check out my rack?" If the answer is yes, save it for when you are home alone with just him. ;-D

Good luck, and be strong! You look lovely, and she honestly does like some really flattering pieces that you own. So you do have plenty to choose from that you already own.

crwilson

Veteran

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this extra stress around the holidays; I really don't think that mothers are always aware of how hurtful the things they say can be. I try to avoid conflict too, especially if it's conflict that seems unresolvable, so I completely understand why you'd want to come up with a capsule that just avoids any strife. I can't help but think of Deborah Tannen's book "You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation." It's about how mothers and daughters interpret the exact same conversation very differently - I found it really interesting when I read it years ago. Okay, going to quit being nerdy and turn to your wardrobe question...

How long are you going to be with your mother over the holidays? How many outfits will you need and for what occasions? Depending on how long you stay, it may not be possible to wear only things that she's approved, but you could probably come close. Can you change small things about the outfit (like a different shirt with the same pants), or do you need completely new outfits for each day/event?

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Michelle, hugs! I understand and support this decision to build a bullet-proof capsule to avoid confrontation.
I think it is not much colors or patterns as cut and style. It looks to me that your mom is pretty conservative when it applies to your dressing and I don't think she is opposed to you looking sexy as long as it is very classic in style and slimming: your cobalt cocktail dress is a good example of a sexy but very classic dress and she likes it! So definitely no waist surrendering for you here!:-)
I was wondering why she did not approve of the dress in #6 as it looks pretty classic style to me. However it is hard to see details in the black dress in the photo and asymmetrical skirt is definitely not a classic style. Is it a knit fabric? If so it may also have some cling factor which is not obvious in the photo. I think that woven fabrics are better bet for you in this case.
BTW I feel she would approve your new black pencil skirt as it is a very classic piece so you may be able to build some lovely and bullet-proof outfits around it!
In any case I hope you have a lovely time with your family over the holidays!

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Michelle, I'd say err on the conservative side, stick with solids and that's the best you can do. Don't be surprised if she criticizes something she has liked before. Somehow I think this is less about the actual item of clothing and more about some sort of inner pain she feels, and clothing is just a superficial item that provides an outlet for her.

lynn

Veteran

Michelle,
You are a lovely girl! Remember the love that you feel on YFL when you get less than full approval at home. And remember that moms have trouble letting go of feeling like they can say whatever comes to mind to their kids. I'm sure that she loves or she wouldn't bother trying to "fix" you. Those are her insecurities, not yours. Just love her as hard as you can and have your armor fastened tightly! You can do it!

Barbara

Veteran

Michelle,you are fashionable and fab! I am sorry you have to live with some wardrobe drama, but you've come to the right place for advice.

I agree with Laura, dress conservatively, but put your own touch on it with jewelry or a fun bag. Your black pencil skirt is perfect!

Queen Mum

Veteran

I think everyone has made some good observations here, so I won't repeat them, but just want to say I hope this year goes more smoothly. I'll be thinking of you.

celia

Veteran

Michelle,I think it's a wonderful idea to build the capsule wardrobe.The less stress the better.
I agree with everyone in the more classic pattern in your mother tastes for you. I woul also go with previous aproved items.More than that I would include her in the making of the outfits during your time with her.I know this sounds attention seeking but the truth is if she is involved in the process she won't be able to criticize after the dead is done.
The main point here is that you're wearing things that belong in your usual wardrobe and that you love and look stylish in, you're just choosing the potencial less controvers items.
Hugs.

AJ

Veteran

Michelle, the capsule is a great idea. I think you look beautiful in all your posted outfits. I'm sorry you have this stress to deal.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but I think your mother prefers you in pants because it lengthens your legline and "seems" slimmer because there is a visual break down the middle. Does that make sense?

I ditto everyone's advice about not emphasizing the girls and keeping on the conservative side.

Will we be able to see your family capsule?

Jonesy

Veteran

I feel like I hope you can gain strength from everyone here who is rooting for you this holiday season! I agree with everyone else, and I think Vix, Kristen, et al. may be on to something with the sex appeal angle. Seems like conservative cuts, dark pants, and structured-but-yet-not-highlighting-your-bosom tops are the way to go. Good luck!

Christie

Wow, that dress in the second post is fantastic on you! I think your mom likes you in deep colors, especially cobalt.

As for *why* she is so critical ... that is sad to me, since you look great in all of your favorites. But maybe she is still mothering you in the same role she always has, rather than as a mother to an adult daughter?

Kyle

Veteran

These mother-child relationships are so complex. When we want the "best" for our children (based on our own definition of best) and try to "help" we can be so critical and hurtful instead. I'm sorry for that, Michelle, and think your holiday strategy is wise. Here's hoping that all goes according to plan and that you have a lovely, positive visit and some great holiday memories.

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