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Difficult family situation

Gigi

Veteran

My younger brother is getting married this November. I will be attending the wedding, but I am very nervous because my dad will be there, and I cut off communication with him three years ago because I am healing from severe childhood abuse (perpetrated by both him and Mom). The abuse has led to disabling emotional illness for me, and I currently don't want him in my life. FWIW, my dad denies the abuse.

I am posting here because I am seeking advice on how to handle the wedding and reception. My dad will certainly be there. My therapist suggested writing my dad a note beforehand letting him know that nothing has changed regarding my desire not to have communication with him, and so he should not expect things to be different just because we're at a wedding. I'm not sure I want to do this, because I don't want to initiate any communication whatsoever with him; I think that will just send him the message that I am ready to talk, even if the note says otherwise.

I'm wondering if the best course of action is just to try to avoid him at the wedding and reception and then find some other place to be the day after so that I am not available for other activities. Normally the out-of-town relatives go to my dad's house the day after a big event and have a get-together. I most definitely don't want to do that, but I will have to have some excuse to get out of it to avoid raising suspicion among the relatives. I do have a friend that I would like to see who lives in the area, so my plan is to try to arrange that around the same time.

My brothers (I have two) both know that I am not talking to Dad. My older brother understands a bit more than my younger one (the younger one is the one getting married). I plan to contact the younger one beforehand to make sure that if there is any kind of assigned seating, I am not near Dad.

I'm assuming that some of the people who post here have been in situations like this, and I wanted to see what advice you would give me. Thanks for the help!

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35 replies

Latest reply was from The Peach Pie Jewelry

Sal

Veteran

Gigi, that is a difficult situation.

I think attending the wedding and not the after function is a good idea. I would ask to be seated next to trusted family or friends, I am sure this is possible.

I can't offer advice re communication prior or not. I hope others can.

Can we help you look fab though!?

rachylou

Veteran

I went to a wedding once where there was someone I didn’t want to talk to ever again. My best friend was my plus one and knew the situation and helped me look out for her approach.

My words are ‘No thank you’ and looking away after making eye contact. But I stand my ground. She wasn’t a crazy person tho. She didn’t try too much.

DonnaF

Veteran

I am so sorry, Gigi. It sounds like you won't have a *plus one* with you to help buffer/be on the lookout and be your emotional support person?

elpgal

Veteran

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sucks! I was in the almost situation and the one thing that helped was having my husband with me. I stayed for the wedding but bailed immediately after. I won't lie, it was still rough and it wasn't a happy event for me.

Is there somebody else in your family, a favorite aunt or cousin who you can attach yourself to? Teenage nephews and nieces are great for this. I agree with your inclination to not want to write to your father. Why is your therapist suggesting this?

Tina

Veteran

I know this type of scenario all to well. I agree with you on not making contact, dialog without repentance on the part of the wrongdoer is a waste of time and emotional energy.
I second Rachylou in standing your ground. It is very common for people to assume that time makes things go away. Of course that only serves the purposes of the person who has done the wrong, it also sets the stage for a repeat performance on the part of the abuser.
What I have learned to do is be civil but not engage- at all. Whenever possible I simply do not acknowledge them, they are strangers that I have no connection to anymore. It is hard, I understand how emotionally exhausting it is to even anticipate such an encounter.
If there is even one extended family member attending the wedding that you think would understand I would fill them in and ask for their help on the wedding day.

Gigi

Veteran

Thanks so much, everyone, for the advice and for understanding the emotional difficulty of the situation. I knew there would be people on the forum who have unfortunately experienced this.

I have thought about the idea of bringing someone with me, but I don't know how well that would work out. I don't have a significant other right now, and since the affair is a five-hour drive away, I'm not super comfortable asking a friend to give up two or three days, especially if I am able to visit my friend near the wedding venue at the same time--which may extend the stay another couple of days. It will be awkward. But I will still give that idea some thought.

I have planned to "attach" myself to various aunts and uncles and cousins at the reception. There will be many people there that I haven't seen in a long time, which will make it easier. So I plan to be flitting like a butterfly from one group to another. But I can't let anyone else in the extended family know what is going on between me and Dad, because everyone else (other than my brothers) thinks he is a really great guy.

Elpgal, as to why my therapist recommended I write Dad beforehand, she said that sometimes people think that since you're at a family function, things have changed, and the offending person has expectations that you're going to talk to them and everything is OK. She thought writing him beforehand to let him know that things haven't changed would fend that off. I think it will actually send the opposite message. With my dad, you have to be absolutely 100% clear: no communication means no communication. Or he won't get it. I immediately felt anxious at the thought of writing him, so I decided to hold off to see how I felt later. That was a month ago, and I still don't like the idea.

Tina, thank you for understanding! My priest friend always says forgiveness takes one, but reconciliation takes two. Dad has denied the abuse, so there can't be any meaningful relationship between us. I expect that I am going to have to do what you mentioned: If I can't avoid some small talk, I will be civil but remove myself as quickly as possible from the situation.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

So sorry you’re dealing with this!

I agree with you about the letter. That sends a confusing message, at best.

I don’t understand why you are concerned that the abuser be able to preserve his image as a great guy. I mean, don’t upstage the wedding, but for all you know your younger brother or some other guests may have been abused as well or at least suspect what was going on. Go ahead and tell your brother you don’t plan to go to dad’s house and wish to be seated away from him. If he tries to talk to you, just say “not now”. If he persists, tell him “this is not the time or the place”. The latter might get his hopes up, but may be necessary to keep things moving. And then later, just go back to what you’re doing now.

It’s terrific that you are supporting and celebrating with your brother on his big day. I hope you can enjoy it. Have fun with the old friend, too.

ETA: On skipping the wedding because it's too stressful--he's your family too, and you have every right to be there. If you want to go, don't let your dad "have" it just to make things easy. IMO much better to go and enjoy as much as you enjoy. It really depends on how much you want to go and how much you can avoid him.

Anonymous

I really feel for you. This is terribly sad. My own reaction would likely be not to go at all. I cannot imagine being in the same room as someone who had taken advantage of me and broken my trust that way. My father didn't abuse me in any way other than leaving our family very abruptly when I was 18, but I found it difficult to "condone" what he had done by having him around in public situations , including my own wedding (which of course he was at , but he took a back seat and was not really visible or involved) . It took YEARS before I was able to do that. But this has nothing to do with your situation , I know.

I firmly believe we have to look out for ourselves and take care of ourselves , and going to an event where your mental/emotional health is at risk is not worth it in my mind. I understand my reaction may be seen as extreme, but it is what it is.

Anonymous

Just my opinion, but why not get your brother's advice on this? If he's okay with you staying away, it might be the best thing. This is his and the bride's day, and you wouldn't want to have it marred with avoidable family drama, or have him worry that things will go sideways. You can always have them over later for dinner to celebrate. Best of luck to you dealing with this difficult situation.

missvee

Veteran

Oh what a sad situation for you. I’m not sure there is any guaranteed way to avoid contact, other than simply not going at all. And then you’ll miss out on sharing your brother‘s special day.
There are so many variables here, including the secrecy surrounding your abuse, that make it hard to give you any useful advice. But if you decide to go I think you’ll have to have a few excuses already rehearsed so that you can leave at a moment’s notice if things get awkward. Good luck!

Sisi

Veteran

Not in the same situation, but I agree with Xtabay ... and I feel like Lisa p. This would be too much stress for me. No way I would write a note. Yes, make things clear with your brother about seating and such, find a nice relative and stay with them all the time and go visit your friend the next day. My best wishes.

Jane

Veteran

So so difficult. I feel for you.

I think for me self preservation would be key. So I wouldn’t go. I just wouldn’t want to go through the pain of it. I am nodding with LisaP.

I suffered some abuse at the hands of a good friends husband when I was around 9. Not prolonged but it happened. I only declared it openly two years ago. At a family lunch - blurted it out- it was a conversation stopper!! I avoid all contact now and always will. It is too complicated / painful for me to do otherwise.

I think it is more than fine for you to avoid the situation if that is best for you. Thinking of you x

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Gigi,l am so sad to read that this has happened to you and that it’s still having an effect all these years later.lf there was any justice in the world your father would not be going to this wedding and you would but as it is I am inclined to agree with Jane and Lisa P.You need to put yourself and your emotional health first.Yes even above your brothers happy day.l realise that this would require some form of explanation to him and it’s not really for me to say what you should tell him other than reassurance that you would love to be there but can’t and as suggested perhaps make a date to celebrate separately with your brother and his new bride.If he pushes you for more of an explanation you could decide what if anything you were going to tell him.Prehaps you could discuss this with your therapist if you feel it’s an approach you would consider .But what ever you decide to do ,l wish you all the very best and remember than none of this is your fault,that lies firmly at the door of your parents.

BrieN

Veteran

Gigi - this may seem out of the box but I thought I would mention EMDR and suggest you may want to research it. The technique is unusual; in my case it completely diffused the emotional aspect of the experiences that were so troubling. The people who had affected me so deeply are now at arms length and completely neutral in my response to thoughts of them. I have found it very empowering.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

If you don't read Captain Awkward, I'd recommend her - she's got lots of scripts about dealing with weddings and other family events when you have difficult family members or have cut off contact with them.

Anonymous

I understand why you think a note would interfere with the clarity of "no contact" and seem like an opening. Maybe you've already thought about what you'll say if your dad approaches you or if relatives notice something amiss. If you're committed to going you might want to plan for the unexpected.

The real life version is going to be different than the imagined. Maybe you could rehearse some strategies in case you're surprised by your own emotions in the moment and rational thinking can't keep up.

Elle

Veteran

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with all of this. I think your instinct to NOT write your dad is correct. It does sound like it will send a message that you want communication, which you don't. You have gotten a lot of good suggestions here.

It is an important day for your brother, so if you are feeling strong enough, you should try attend the ceremony. If you feel uncomfortable at the reception, then leave. And by all means, skip the day after events.

You don't owe anyone any explanation. Your choices will be the correct ones for you and that's all that is important. At some point in the future, you might think about telling your younger brother about your experiences. It was not your fault that it happened.

Gigi

Veteran

More good suggestions here; thank you.

I have already considered the option of not attending my brother's wedding because of Dad's presence. But I sincerely want to go to it, and I do sincerely want to see my out-of-town relatives (some of whom will be here from overseas). So, although it's certainly the easier option, it's not the one that feels truest to who I am (others in this situation might make a different decision). So I am going to go and not let Dad keep me away. But I will definitely have to think of quick "exits" in case they are needed.

Fashintern, it's not so much that I'm trying to preserve Dad's image as a great guy. It's more that I want my brother's day to go smoothly. Also, I am not ready to expand the circle of relatives who know about the abuse (my older brother already knows most of the details; my younger one knows only a few). If I say anything, I will also be branded as the "crazy" relative. My instincts tell me to lie low for now.

Laura, I'll check out Captain Awkward.

BrieN, I do EMDR and have for three years. I used to go twice weekly; I recently was able to cut back to once a week. I am so much more functional now than when I started! I'm so grateful to have that therapy available to me. I'm glad to know that it worked for you.

Eliza

Veteran

Sorry for the circumstances. Good that you have a supportive therapist to sort this out with and have already worked your way to this point; there is no one size fits all in complex situations. Hope there is a way to tend yourself, set limits and avoid contact. I think the fact that the abuse is denied by your abuser gives important data about realistic expectations. FWIW, I’d work out a strategy to use (with your therapist) if abuser approaches and of course, otherwise avoid contact. I’d tell relatives who ask that it “doesn’t work for me” to attend the other events, rinse and repeat. Sometimes, a hard stare and/or a subject change is the best response to a “why not?” question. I’d also be prepared with how to manage an early departure if required for my own peace of mind.

If little brother knows “enough” currently, it may be worthwhile to consider if telling him in advance that you hope your avoidance strategies will be adequate, yet if not, you may need to excuse yourself gracefully would be useful. In these situations, self-protection is an important priority. Can imagine that it is extra complicated when various family members inevitably have different assumptions about and awareness of the criminal behavior.

I have seen people curtail parental contact, eventually gaining considerable support from some trusted extended family; the timing doesn’t necessarily correlate with major family events, as you are experiencing. Wishing you all the best.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Of course you don’t want to be talking about what happened!!! That would be a sure way to upstage the wedding. But it sounds like people know enough that you can do as I suggested—be plain and straightforward in your requests not to be seated near him, etc. and to be able to say “no” clearly (to him) should he approach. Also, ask your older brother to intervene, perhaps by whisking you to the dance floor if dad is approaching you, or maybe by distracting him with conversation. Set up a “safe word” or Bat signal with him.

Anonymous

Lots of good advice here! Agreeing about making sure you're at a different table and avoiding the other events. Looks like there will be lots of other people there to talk to! I wouldn't want to send a letter in advance either.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Gigi, you’ve been through a lot, and it’s devastating. I wish you strength, composure, calm, and peace in your heart. Much love. Xo

taylor

Veteran

Just saw this Gigi,... for whatever you have endured , you are such a compassionate and loving sister. Going to his wedding takes strength and courage. Hold your head high because you will get through this , you will find your way through this event with grace and dignity.
Xo

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Gigi, I'm so sorry you are facing this and I think you are brave and strong and you must be a truly loving sister even to consider going under these extremely awkward circumstances. I wish you composure and strength for the challenge ahead.

I agree with your impulse not to write the letter. It sounds as if your instincts are serving you well. But I also think the advice to broach the subject in advance with your younger brother (perhaps just in a note) and to rehearse some strategies and responses to possible questions will serve you well and give you some valuable protection.

Also, i am with Sal. We are here to help you look and feel FAB at this event!!!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

I’m sorry about your past.
You have gotten better advice than I could give.
As the wedding isn’t until November once you make your seating request and come up with a plan, maybe try to put it into the future and attempt to not concentrate on it between now and them. If worry comes up say that’s not today. I’m realizing I spend way too much time in my head, in the past or the future.

RobinF

Veteran

Wow so sorry to hear this Gigi. I can't imagine how hard this will be for you but understand your wanting to go anyway. One thing I wonder, could you ask your oldest brother to head off your dad? Maybe ahead of time your brother could just let your dad know that you don't want him to try to talk to you and tell him to stay far away. It might give you a little peach of mind. Just a thought.

Helena

Veteran

Gigi, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this horrible situation. I think you've got great advice here; the only thing I can add is to give yourself permission to make a quiet exit at any point if you decide you are uncomfortable - 'stomach flus' can arise out of the blue; shoes can get uncomfortable and require you to go back to your hotel to change them, etc ...

If it's a more traditional wedding, then there is probably a ceremony aspect and a sit-down dinner? Those times are rather structured and there is less opportunity to get sideswiped by someone - whereas if there are more unstructured times such as a cocktail reception or whatever, you could subtly disappear for a while.

Take care of you, give yourself lots of love and self-care before, during and after, and remember you have a whole group of women cheering for you from the digital sidelines xx

Bijou

Veteran

Gigi, I had a close friend who was abused by her Father. He seemed so charming, no one knew what a monster he really was. If she ever asked me to be her plus one at a family event I would go in a heartbeat, regardless of the time involved.

I hope you and your brothers can set up strategies to keep him well away from you and you get to celebrate your brother’s wedding.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Nodding with Bijou -- I'd do the same for a friend so I am wondering if your local friend might do that? Also a good idea to talk with your older brother ahead of time...

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