Warning: this is long, but I need to vent. And if any of you have experienced this, I'll take any advice I can get.

So part of the reason for my very patchy participation this past few months has to do with my mom's dementia, which is progressing at an alarming rate.
Her grasp on reality seems to have suddenly become very tenuous, and in her panic, she has turned aggressive.

A little backstory. In April, when my brother and his family were out for a visit, I spent a lot of time with my parents. I realized that her dementia was worse than I had thought. Normally I see my parents once or twice a week, but only for a couple of hours at a time -- a short enough visit for my mom to hold it together, apparently. (Dementia patients can often put on a good show for a short time). But during my brother's visit, I spent all day, every day with the family for two weeks, and realized that my mom was more than a little dotty. My brother, too, was alarmed by her deterioration from the last time he had seen her.

Anyway, after my brother and family went back to England, my dad (who only ever shares information reluctantly) let me know that he was thinking of taking mom to England in May. I said, Why would you go now? They were just here. Why not go in September? He said he was worried that if they didn't go now, Mom wouldn't be able to go at all. (She is also physically frail). Dad wanted her to see her sisters and mother before it was too late. So, against their doctor's better judgment, they went.

Well, it was a disaster. After a short time, Mom came completely unglued. My dad phoned me Monday to say they were getting an earlier flight home. He wouldn't tell me why. All he would say is, Elisabeth, it has been a nightmare. I phoned my aunties and brother and they said Mom was getting really nasty with Dad, and she's stopped making any sense at all. She went from having trouble finding words and following conversations to full-on hallucinations, delusions and acute paranoia.

I picked my parents up Wednesday night from the airport. Dad looked exhausted and Mom chattered pleasantly but nonsensically all the way home. I visited again the next morning and they both looked more rested, but Mom was still not making sense. She seemed to be experiencing an alternate reality that is connected to distant memories. For example, she was convinced that she had spoken with personnel at the adoption agency the night before, and that they had done her some injustice, but I couldn't figure out what that injustice was. (I was adopted as a baby, and as far as I know, everything went well). But she didn't seem agitated.

By Thursday night, all hell broke loose. She phoned me in a rage, hurling venomous accusations that I couldn't even understand at both me and my dad. I was only on the phone for five minutes, but I was shaking when I got off. My dad insisted that I wasn't to come over, as that would make things worse (and I couldn't anyway, since I'd have to bring my two kids with me, and there's no way I'd subject them to their grandmother's rage).

Today I talked to my sister-in-law, and she said that's exactly what had happened in England. Most of the rage is directed at my dad, although my 7-year-old nephew got in the line of fire one night. It is heartbreaking. My mom is clearly in a state of acute mental distress, and my dad is not going to be able to withstand the abuse for long. If I try to talk to Dad, Mom thinks we're conspiring against her, so I've been sending emails instead. I told him to call 911 if she goes berserk again and he can't calm her down. I've made an appointment with the doctor for Monday, to discuss what to do next.

AAAAARGH. This is intolerable. Well, at least writing this all down has made me feel better. Talking to my aunties and sister-in-law helped, too. But if any of you have tips, I'm all ears.

ETA what makes this all the more difficult is that even when she was in her right mind, my mom had a filthy temper. 99% of the time, she was lovely. But in the 1% where she lost it, she was terrifying. So I grew up walking on eggshells, negotiating and practising diplomacy in an effort not to incur her wrath. So the rage that she's experiencing now, which I know is not unusual with dementia patients, unfortunately triggers all kinds of flashbacks for me. It makes it harder to deal with calmly and rationally, you know?