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Defying the norm

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I realize I stand out in the way my dress, on the forum and in real life. 90% of the time I don't care and go about my business.
Today I was at a small (~ 20 people) casual party in a bar. I didn't think my outfit was that interesting
http://noscrubs.lookfab.com/po.....angies-pin
For me this felt pretty toned down.
But I got a couple comments about my necklace, pants and shoes. One woman said it was good to look different. Most of the people were quite casual, shirt, jeans and sneakers, etc. But on the bus home I was pondering it. Do people really judge me based on how I dress? I'll admit I never do to well at large gatherings and tend to talk to a few select people I already know.
I like looking interesting and different, but don't want to perceived as a total snob.

Dressing

34 replies

Latest reply was from jayne

bj1111

Veteran

anna,

first, how you dress is inspirational to me.

second, defying social norms is a good thing, but you need to think about what you are trying to achieve in each situation and dress accordingly.

yes, people judge each other by their clothing (and speech and mannerisms...) we are social animals. since we can't smell each other's butts, we use other markers, like clothing.

you may not do well at social gatherings because of other reasons besides your clothing. are you dissatisfied by not being able to talk to everyone at the party? if not, then who cares what the commenters were trying to get at. if it does bother you, then you might want to think about that before you choose to dress to look interesting and different.

everything is a choice, including what i put on my back any given day. i will suppress my desire to dress for my interest to achieve a strategic goal (either professional or personal) during certain interactions. otherwise, i do as i please.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

This is a fantastic outfit imo - I would want to talk to you if I was at the party. Honestly you've dressed appropriately & what's the alternative - dress in a way that isn't you?

bj1111

Veteran

Ps...my hubs thinks that this is the best outfit of yours that he has seen and he thinks you look younger in this outfit including the hair and lippie.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Yeah but to blend in I should have worn a hoodie and jeans, and that's definitely not me either.

bj1111

Veteran

No one wants you to blend in, not even the commenters. If they did, it means they are too insecure to accept others who are different,

my short answer...people can be real dbags. But, if it bothers you, maybe a small modification can go a long way. Necklace+leather pants, skip the shoes. Pant+ shoes, skip the necklace. Or just don't hang with douches,.

annaj

Veteran

I think that's a pretty "normal" outfit! I think "just one thing" is enough to make an ordinary outfit look extraordinary. Give them time - people are more likely to follow your lead!

Beth Ann

Veteran

Well, that blows my theory! Now, I realize that Seattle is the home of well, Grunge (sorry) and, well, Starbucks. But I always imagine that these kinds of issues are more common in my (very conservative) neck of the woods.

You look distinctive, Anna, for sure, and fashion forward, but also friendly and fun. It sounds like you were effected more by "casualization" in our world than anything else.

I bat for team dressy (albeit much more classic than your fab style) in an environment that views fashion as frivolous. I view it as an expression of beauty -- and a creative expression, too. Maybe by being ourselves we'll free some other women to go all UPW, Classic, RATE....whatever they want to be!

I hope someone who saw you tonight will go out and buy some wedge sneakers or a statement necklace --- you know, baby steps!

rae

(website)

Veteran

I think that the fact people comment is good overall - your pieces are artistic and interesting. They can be real conversation-starters!

Here is where I get a little negative, but it's just the way I view things. People in groups are, at the core, click-y, stuck in their ways, and wary of change. My clothes are less interesting than yours, and no one ever approaches me, either. Overall I really hate parties, for example, because I have to really *work* to talk to people... and work even harder to find something in common. Sometimes I just don't have the energy.

I guess the point of my story is that, if you want to join in, sometimes you have to be the one to break the ice. Once that happens, you can talk about art or wine or beer or hikes, and honestly the clothes should take a backseat to your personality.

crow

Hmm. As you noted, you do "stand out" by choice, and most of the time are happy to march to your own beat. And people do notice, of course. Some will be attracted, as in "Who is that interesting looking women? I'd like to talk with her." And others will be be a bit unnerved or wary or put off. I think the sneakers-and-jeans-for-all-occasions crowd are less likely to appreciate you, whereas others who especially value creativity will "get" you and relish your ways of defying the norm.

Ariadne

Veteran

Anna, you definitely stand out, in the most wonderful way. I absolutely love your style and if I met you somewhere I'd want to be your friend because I'm 100% drawn to "interesting and different". Not everyone is like that, but you don't want everyone to be your friend, right? You only have time for the best people (for you) in your life anyway.

Hold your ground and trust that those "right people" will find their way into your life. Of course people notice and judge. Absolutely. I think by dressing the way you do, you make a strong, unusual initial impression that's a vibrant reflection of your inner person (as far as I can tell). I suspect that sometimes, the result is that you whittle down the field of potential love interests a little more quickly. But seriously, that's EFFICIENT and it's fab. Many people want to express themselves more strongly but lack the guts to go for it. And many people waste a lot of time hiding their true selves in order to make others like them, only to find themselves with a lot of acquaintances but not enough true friends or partners who know and love unique (interesting, different) person they really are.

Don't whitewash yourself or water yourself down! The world badly needs more people like you.

Wish I could give you a big hug and a glass of wine.

transition

People judge ALL of us by how we dress. It's probably not right, but it's true. I hope the comments were at least mostly positive.You do stand out, and you knew that the lipstick, leather pants and gold shoes would stand out. Unfortunately, that can make it harder for people to talk to you first, and the most obvious thing to discuss becomes your different clothes, so it becomes even more important for you to talk to them.

I understand your feelings. I stand out everywhere I go, too, and have for a very long time. Sometimes I have to break down the barrier of my clothes before I can really get to know someone.

And, in my experience, people often judge the quieter gal who talks to just a few as a snob, regardless of clothes. I know that that person is actually almost never a snob.

I say keep on being yourself . . . and if you care what others think [I was told not to, but I can't help myself] then I'd focus on trying to intiate conversation rather than changing your style.

Deborah

Veteran

Anna, this is such an interesting topic. Even though I am no where near as interesting and fashion forward as you, trust me when I say I don't fit into my environmental norm either.

We do make judgements on how people present... at least I know I do. But I work really hard not to, particularly in social situations. I did a self development course some time back and the ice breaker was to approach and start a conversation in the room with someone you would ordinarily feel to intimidated to approach... before I could quickly assess the room, a woman approache ME. We chatted and got on really well, but I was stunned to think that I was viewed as unapproachable.

I also find large social gatherings difficult. People don't approach me and I have learnt that I just have to step out of my comfort zone and make the first move. I have actually worked hard to try and develop my social skills and ask open questions, focus on the person I am speaking too and encourage them to talk.

Going back to the above experience at the course, I have been led to believe that some women find the fact that my look is quite polished a little intimidating, you know I tend to dress up rather than down, but that is something they have to deal with, the only thing I can do is be myself, exude warmth and friendliness (I tend to smile at everyone) and try and make people feel comfortable in my presence without compromising who I am.

It really is a tricky one because we all have our inadequacies and tend to operate out of them. I certainly don't find your look intimidating but of course I could meet you at a social event and immediate assume we have something in common because of how you dress!

DonnaF

Veteran

Anna, I think you're probably an introvert like I am, so we will never be comfortable talking to a ton of people and tend to be somewhat reserved. But snobby? I can't imagine folks as thinking that you are a snob, but I CAN imagine that some may be a bit intimidated by your awesome style. Your look today was fairly conservative, but it all fit together as beautifully as what is seen in professional high-end magazine layouts. This is a bit of a rarity in most places. Should you change? Absolutely not. You wouldn't want to and wouldn't be happy.

My suggestion to really confound *them* and break the stereotype that you're high maintenance: Let them know you love the outdoors and are a hiker, i.e., a PNW gal! The opera and art interest info can come later, lol.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

You are among the most interesting people here, meaning in the best of ways, both because you dress very personally and you express your views freely. I think most people are intrigued, not offended by your sartorial choices. Why not? Your outfits and/or pieces a great conversation starters, I would think. You would never occur to me as a snob - you look far too approacable for that.

Gaylene

Veteran

OK, Anna, let me start by saying that I love your fearless sense of fashion just like the others on this forum. But I also think that what is celebrated on YLF isn't necessarily perceived by other groups in quite the same way.

If you like to dress in a way that challenges a group norm, that is your right--and you'll have lots of company because a great many people see that as a positive quality. But challenging a group norm, especially if the people in the group don't know you, can be a huge barrier because of the faulty judgements that others might form about your intentions. Their first impressions might be that you are either uninterested in becoming part of the group or that you are opposed to the individuals who have chosen to be part of that group. Either way, by challenging the norm, you set yourself apart from members of the group. It's unfortunate, but for most people, once they peg someone as an "not one of us", they usually don't try to challenge that notion by getting to know the person better.

Tanya

Veteran

I hear you Anna! You have an amazing sense of style and I am always inspired by you. But people not interested in fashion could get an wrong impression, those form very quickly. It has happened to me way too many times already, and I dress much more conventionally than you.

As much as I hated to do that, my solution has been to dress for the situation and audience when necessary. I do it for work all the time. I also do it in the potential social/dating situations. It is a fine balance between still being me and adjusting to the norms, and I still struggle with it. But then also I recognize the situations in which I do not care and wear whatever the heck I want. Sadly, I would guess that the former are about 70% of the time and the latter 30%. It was difficult to accept it, but once I did, it became a bit easier.

Anonymous

I'm not that great at expressing myself in writing ( I type too slowly lol!) But I wanted to chime in and say you look totally approachable and I love your outfit!

Desmo April

(website)

Veteran

First, social situations are so tough for so many of us and it's just straight up hard to approach strangers. Second, you have an amazing crazy-cool style and I would assume you were cooler than me and would find me boring--that's my own insecurity and social fear raising its head.

Ideally at this hypothetical party someone would introduce us and I'd get to tell you those sneakers are awesome. But chances are I wouldn't have come up to you to chat without some sort of intro.

So yes, sometimes it is them (in this case me) not you.

Anonymous

Clothing is armour, and your sense of self and image is very developed, and could be seen as threatening or intimidating to others (because you confident, you look like you know who you are and what you are doing, and that you are a unity of one). So I guess you need to negotiate with yourself how much you want to blend in to the environment vs. staying true to your ideals of self and form.

My resting face pose is a total sourpuss lady disdain, so I always have to remember to try and smile a little or look friendly because otherwise I come across as cold, bored, contemptuous, cranky, you name it.

siniestra

I told you yesterday was one of my favorites outfit you wore...it is not scandalous at all. You are not the problem, judmental ppl and society are. They don't like different, you see most ppl act as a group and not as individual, You are Pretty Unique! I rather be different than unhappy and umcomfortable with my self. Not everyone are judmental stick with ppl and environments that have the same taste as you, Artistic places, you know there are cool pubs out there for open minded ppl. We are not in highschool anymore...to feel peer pressure and trying to blend in.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Lots of wisdom on this thread

bj11111 and Gaylene, especially loved your insights.

Anna, we are judged a billion times a day by how we act, respond, not respond, and dress. It is a fact of life. For me, it all boils down to what you project from the inside, which very much affects what you wear, and how it will be perceived. You have to be authentic and 100% comfortable in your own skin when you defy a dressing norm - or any norm. It's when that is not the case that people cast doubts and so does the wearer.

We love the way you dress, but the most important question is whether you do. Does it make you feel comfortable and confidant? Can you forget about the way you look after you've popped on your outfit and just get on with it? For me, this is key. This is what I try to encourage because there in lies the power. If that is the case, I wouldn't give this topic a second thought.

Anonymous

Anna, first and foremost, I do admire your fearless sense of fashion.

I am nodding to a lot of what Gaylene said. it all depends on what you want. Sometimes is better to blend in, others is better to stand out.

Tina.b

Veteran

Well if I ran into you wearing this outfit, I would want to sit down and chat with you all night! You look fabulous. And I do agree it is toned down and a perfect outfit for your event.

When I dress I want to make sure that I'm my authentic self if that makes sense. I'm a really confident person, but I find I become uncomfortable at super fancy events, and I always find it's due to the clothes situation. The really heavy makeup, the jewelry, I end up feeling so unlike myself.

I say wear what makes you feel your most authentic self. And adjust within your range of fabulous looks to what is best suited for the event. I think you do this really well already. Enjoyed reading the thought provoking comments above.

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

Some of the unhappiest moments of my life were when I tried to fit in with the herd. In my experience, you have two options:

1. Try to fit in. But if you do this, you'll be dishonest to yourself, and uncomfortable in your own skin.

2. Do exactly what you did, and be true to your inner self. Like Beth Ann, I am "team dressy" - but I love your outfit. When I look at your picture, the first impression I get is 'fun', and the second impression I get is 'here is a very creative person who is going to have something interesting to say'.

I think your outfit was perfect for the venue you described, not overdone at all. I don't see any 'snob' in your outfit, or in your expression. The look in your eyes and how you hold yourself, radiates a genuine happiness factor.

I wore a statement necklace to an event Friday night, that garnered a lot of comments. It made me very uncomforable, because I felt that they weren't seeing 'me', they were seeing the necklace. Then my thinking shifted and I realized that the necklace was a conversation starter, a means to social communication with a perfect stranger. And then I felt fine.

It is entirely possible that the comments.were attempts to break the ice, or to learn more about you. And perhaps the comments were intended to be snarky, motivated by general dissatisfaction in their own lives. In the end, snarky comments or intents don't matter, if you are true to your own heart.

It isn't the room full of people who matter, it is the one or two who come over and want to know more about you.

Social events can be really tough to negotiate, and I often think that we never really outgrow the junior-high-school-dance phase, where everyone stands around looking at one another awkwardly. The thing is, if someone approaches you, it is because you have piqued their interest - but they may not know what to say, or how to keep the conversation going. So keep them talking. I've found if a conversation stalls, the best way to get it going again, is to ask the other person about themselves.

Gaylene

Veteran

Hmm, La Belle, I don't think the choice has to be quite that black and white. I think that most of us are multi-faceted individuals who can adapt to our surroundings while still staying true to our beliefs and inner selves. Choosing different types of clothing can make it easier for others to perceive us in a way that better suits our goals for a particular setting.

I know that we celebrate dressing in a way that makes us happy on this fashion forum. That's not a bad principle to follow, but I also think it's important to realize that others' reactions can also important to us at times. Instead of always insisting that others bend to our perceptions and opinions, we can choose to showcase different versions of ourselves for different settings and audiences. The choice to adapt is as legitimate as the choice to confront.

rachylou

Veteran

I have something of the same problem, you know, Anna. Like the other day, when I wore some heels, pants, and a jumper. I don't see how you can get more conventional than that, but the boss was all *Whoa! Bright!* Ok, so the pants and shoes were pink and the sweater green... but pink and green is preppy. It's not that wild. And yet it is. I'll never quite get it.

Anyways, tho, working a crowd... I can't tell from here, but you could be coming off as a snob if you tend to limit who you talk to and yet wear such bold clothing. In some ways, when you stand out so much, it's on you to go up and talk to people because you're supposed to be the leader. Leaders are the visible ones and they do the seeing and the ignoring.

Missey

Veteran

I love the way you dress...you look confident and fun! I would probably lurk around you at a social gathering just to bask in your fabness And then I would tell you I really loved your outfit.

What is most important is that you like the way you dress and that it makes you feel confident.

Vildy

Veteran

I'm with RachyLou. You sure look like a gorgeous bombshell movie star in that outfit. It's good to be friendly to "your public." hee.
Anybody who was commenting favorably on pieces of your outfit was trying to connect with you and be friendly. The broad who told you it was good to look different is just plain nasty. I wouldn't give her the time of day in my thoughts.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for all the input and insight. Apparently I didn't come across as stand-offish as I thought as one of the people I talked to just sent me Facebook friend request. I do tailor my look to the situation. When I was job interview I wore a boring brown JCrew suit with a white button and sensible low heeled pumps. When I go to the opera I would never wear jeans. On first dates I do temper my fashion wild side significantly.

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