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Clothes Psychology:aka "who does she think she is?"

Traci

Veteran

Getting dressed this morning, my 18 year old daughter came to play with me in my closet. As we put together my outfit she was calling out changes from this to that.

When I got this outfit on she said excitedly "yes! I really like that." And I said "I feel like it's too much." To which she said "you say that all the time and I don't agree."

When she said it, I realized this outfit hits on a feeling of "who do you think you are?" That I get when I feel like an outfit is too sharp or pulled together. If I see a woman out in public dressed in an outfit like this, I'd think she looked great and confident. But I judge myself for that. On me, this outfit falls into the trying too hard camp. And I think that sucks because rationally I don't buy into the trying too hard narrative. But I guess subconsciously I put myself in that box.

I'd have less of an issue going to work in this outfit, but feel silly because we are going to the hospital and then lunch and mall shopping.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm wearing the outfit because when I hit personal boundaries that I don't agree with rationally, I like to push through them. I strongly suspect the top will be untucked before the day is out, though.

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Dressing

44 replies

Latest reply was from Traci

Joyce B

Veteran

I don't see anything wrong with your outfit but of course you are the one who is wearing it and have to be happy with it.
Maybe post a few outfits in some of the categories that you mentioned, along with your questions or doubts and I am sure you will receive very helpful feedback from the forum.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

This is fascinating, Traci. First things first, though, you look GREAT.

I wonder if this plays into the whole idea of environmental norms. I live in a small town, and have had that same "who do you think you are?" feeling just because I put a hat on when I went to the grocery store. And don't even get me started on wearing bright-colored lipstick. Somehow, the act of putting on colored lipstick instantly makes me feel uppity.

It's silly, isn't it? Putting on something that takes some effort isn't the same thing as snubbing someone for not dressing up, and yet, in many environments we feel the need to downplay our efforts. I can't even tell you how many time someone has complimented me on wearing a dress and I've replied with something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, it's laundry day."

BrieN

Veteran

I think you look great and confident. It is a wonderful outfit on you. I would love an update at the end of the day how you felt while out and about.

Mochi

Veteran

Jenn said it for me. I was immediately questioning where you live. Because here in Boston, that outfit would be perfect. No one would question it. It would be considered arty-casual-chic.

You look really great. I'm glad you push through the doubts when you feel something like this.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Traci, you look ah-mazing!! (And what a treat to see you again). DD is a great stylist if she helped you put that together. And no doubt your tutelage has something to do with that.

Re the "trying too hard" narrative...I get what you are saying. I do think Jenn has a point that sometimes this is connected with the pressure of environmental norms...we often don't allow ourselves to stand out too much from others because it can result in censure. Tall Poppies and all that.

But sometimes it is less about social norms and more about our basic sense of self and entitlement. As in, am I a woman who deserves to look good on an ordinary day going about my business? I have this in other areas of my life, and sometimes have to consciously battle it when it comes to clothes and dressing, particularly when I am shopping. Or rather, this is the feeling that pretty much kept me from shopping for clothing at all for more than a decade! I'm better with it now, through a conscious process of doing exactly what you did, i.e. challenging my own irrational ideas and just wearing the darn outfit!! But I admit that it is one reason I don't wear certain items in my closet as often as others. And like you, I seem to put rather strict parameters around what is okay for certain situations vs. others. So, for instance, there is nothing in the world stopping me from wearing a blazer on my school days (as a student); I could always take it off if it proved too constricting for the activities we are doing. But I don't. It feels a bit too "sharp" somehow. As if I would seem to be lording it over the other students. (Who truly don't give a hoot what I wear!)

Anyway, I am glad you are challenging your own ideas and rock on!!

Anonymous

It looks great to me.

viva

Veteran

It's so easy to overthink. And I think it's also so easy to put up unnecessary boundaries to growth and fun. Try to resist.

I had a moment of this myself, last night, as I walked through Midway airport in Chicago wearing my very intense purple-violet coat. The place was a sea of neutrals, and the traveling working women were in head-to-toe black. Frankly, I felt like a neon sign. At first, I was really self-conscious, and then, I realized no one was really looking at me, and then, I realized it didn't really matter one way or another. I like this coat, and I am going to wear it.

DD is right. You look fantastic, and you should wear this kind of thing more often!

Traci

Veteran

Thanks ladies! Jen and Suz's comments really resonate with me.

It's not really about environmental norms. This outfit is completely appropriate for the places we are going today and I know if I saw another lady dressed like this I would have nothing but positive thoughts about her. That's the part that really twists my mind. I'm not judging the clothes, I'm judging myself! And I'm judging myself in a way that I'd never judge someone else. And it's not even some crazy outfit that is even going to jump out at people.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Right. It's not super bright colours or high drama. It's just a tiny bit dressier than you might wear otherwise and involves a leather jacket and a skirt.

Sort of shocking how we limit ourselves sometimes, isn't it.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

You look GREAT. Clearly, your DD is a fab fashion stylist!

I wonder if you feel this way because you are going to the hospital. That in itself brings up a myriad of emotions that are very complicated and raw - especially in the light of what you've been through with your DD over the last 6 months. AND as Jenn said, the hospital has its own environmental norm.

viva

Veteran

For me, it definitely was NOT the fact of the bright colors per se. It was wearing something outside my own norm and feeling differently about myself than I would have if I had seen someone else doing the exact same thing. Although I like dressing my own way, this felt like a bigger leap and I was strangely self-conscious about it. I guess I wasn't clear.

This was exactly true for me too: "I know if I saw another lady dressed like this I would have nothing but positive thoughts about her."

rabbit

Veteran

Interesting thread, and the responses really resonate with me. Traci you look really great in that outfit.

I'm thinking that what mostly helps me move behind that mindset when I feel the same way is 'fake it until you make it'. The only way out was through, just to wear the clothes, and see how you feel at the end of the day -- was it a positive experience overall or was there something that needed adjusting, and the next day try a different outfit that is also a tiny bit of a stretch until your comfort level gradually finds balance.

Like viva says, most people aren't going to even be paying attention to you, and the few who do, might compliment you. If I saw viva rush by in her coat in the airport, my thought would be omg I need a bright winter coat how fab.

Also I tell myself, who cares what the 'who does she think she is' voices think (whether internal or external). All they want to do is make someone feel small and powerless, they are better off disregarded.

ETA: cross-posted with viva, but yeah that makes sense, that: wearing something outside my own norm and feeling differently about myself is the real barrier. Then it becomes, given a little adjustment time, is this 'different' inauthentic in some fundamental way, or is it something that could feel good or expansive or uplifting?

Anonymous

Is this quite outside your normal style?
Maybe there's something about this look that's just not 'you'.
What makes me think about this is my current issue involving my leather jacket. I've wanted one for a very long time and finally got one last year. I've been wearing it, and it's fine, but sadly (on my pocket book!), I think it might not be 'me'. I think it might be a bit too sophisticated, whereas I think my style is more 'natural/sporty' (but I didn't really know this until now).

So I end up feeling slightly uncomfortable in this jacket even though objectively, I think I look rather nice.

ETA: I forgot to mention that you do look GREAT and certainly not overdone or anything like that. Just a great outfit.

Gaylene

Veteran

I sometimes think the heart of the issue is whether or not I want to be noticed--even in an admiring way. Logic would have it that having someone compliment my outfit would always be a good thing, but reality is more complicated. Sometimes, I just want to grocery shop and blending into the masses feels right.

It's easy to forget dressing for myself doesn't have to mean putting myself forward. I can chose to be a spectator instead of a player, or walk around in my "invisibility cloak", if that suits my purpose or my mood.

Diana

Veteran

Well, I think you look great and perfectly appropriate. (But, to Mochi's point, I also live in Boston.)

I can't remember where I saw it, but I read somewhere recently that it takes two weeks of dressing differently than the environmental norm before everyone (both yourself and your co-workers/peers/etc) stops noticing. I think that was in reference to dressing differently at work/among a fixed set of people and not the world in general, but I do think the advice holds true. You get used to it. It might take more than 2 weeks (maybe more like the 21 days to make/break a habit?) but it does happen.

Anonymous

That's true for me too, Gaylene. I often don't want to be complimented and would prefer to just blend in.

Traci

Veteran

This thread has helped me realize I'm not the only one who feels a little flashy in a leather jacket. I love the look on others and don't find it flashy at all when I see someone else in leather, but on me it feels like a big deal.

Sal

Veteran

Very interesting thread, i do know the feeling!

I think it is a great look that really suits you-maybe the first WIW I have seen from you?

It will be interesting to see how the day went, and if you want to repeat the outfit. I hope you do- you certainly deserve to look great!!

rachylou

Veteran

Huh. You know, actually, that you mention it - I can imagine someone asking me where I'm going in that cute outfit. But I work in a bakery on the production side. This is an outfit you might only see someone in at the company party. Otherwise, you know, we only see eachother - and ourselves - in hairnets. Not a criticism or even a suggestion of uppityness... just an idea of what one does... that reminds me of one of my fave YLF lessons I ever learned: take a real look at how you spend your time. What we focus on isn't always reflective...

Marina

Traci, you look very very well in this outfit and perfectly appropriate, as you said yourself. Congratulate your daughter on that

Reading your post I remembered a friend of mine who used to feel ok about looking good but would feel very anxious about looking "too good". Deep down she had very complicated and uncomfortable feelings about looking "too good" because that could mean attracting too much attention (and being wrongly judged by that). Maybe by some deep/inner reason you feel a little bad about looking too good too or afraid of calling too much attention? [I don't really know you, so please forgive if I'm intruding or being indelicate in some way, that's not my intention...].

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Traci, you really do look great.

Another thought to throw into the mix, just as it can take time for our eye to adjust to a new trend it can take time for our minds eye to adjust to wearing a trend. Wearing a look is the only real way to test our tolerance.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I think you look great and I do not read this as "trying too hard" at all. I read it as, "fashion aware" which I respect. I will admit to thinking things like, "has given up" or "bad taste" when in public and looking at other women. For example, standing in line at Starbucks. I live in a small community that is not fashion-oriented, I do not see a lot of inspiring personal style but if I saw you I would look admiringly.

"Has given up" doesn't need much explanation, we know it when we see it. There's the given up but neat and clean (the majority of what I see) and there's the given up and doesn't care about grooming.

"Bad taste" is quite subjective but I think ill-fitting clothing gets you there quickest.

I am glad you wrote this thread and are working through this feeling. I just have to say again, I wish more women dressed like you. Do you ever feel self-conscious because caring/being fashionable/a bit trendy makes you feel vain? As if the "given up but still neat and clean" is the proper roll for busy women and Moms.

Traci

Veteran

I do think you're onto something, CocoL.

I remember when I was a stay at home mom a few years ago, I would look on with envy at the working moms who "had a reason" to dress nicely. Well, that's silly because I didn't need a reason to dress nicely. Maybe I'm slipping back into that way of thinking since I'm not going into work while I'm taking care of my daughter.

Actually, that reminds me of another interesting dilemma from a couple of months ago. I hadn't been to my office in 3+ months and they had hired a couple of people while I've been out. I had a day of work planned and really struggled with what to wear. I really wanted to be comfortable, in leggings and a tunic sweater, but also stressed about meeting people in a work setting for the first time dressed so casually.

I have a work wardrobe that feels like me, but it feels odd to wear it when I'm not at work.

Thank you all for going on my navel gazing journey with me. I'm always fascinated when I catch myself feeling a way that I don't rationally agree with. I don't consider myself afraid of attention at all, so this is a weird thing to realize that I'm so conscious of avoiding attention. I suspect there are some deep seated weight related issues here too.

3pm and the shirt is still tucked:)

April

Veteran

I would say our cultural norm at the moment is to "dress" for work or other "important" events and the rest of the time, just wear whatever we might wear to wash the car or go to an exercise class.

I for one thank you from the bottom of my heart for resisting that norm. Nothing wrong with gear when you're doing things (like washing the car or going to an exercise class) that require gear, but as a fashion norm, it's so visually *boring.*

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Your daughter is fabulous & I totally agree with Denise - YLF

Gigi

Veteran

Really nice outfit! You look outstanding.

Your thread makes me realize how far I have come with my style and what it has done for me as a person. The stuff I wear now I would never have worn just a few years ago. I made little changes over a long period, which helped me adjust more easily.

Even so, it can be difficult. The other day, I went to a meeting of my church group, and I wore some booties that I consider to be a little rocker-ish, or harder edge. I was a little afraid of what people would think. But I asked myself whether the booties would be inappropriate, and the answer was no. So I wore them, and the sky didn't fall.

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Summer

Veteran

You look wonderful in this outfit, Traci. Daughters can be very helpful at pushing us out of our comfort zones.
Talking of hospital visits, my DH was once horrified that I was wearing a particular pair of smart boots to visit a friend in hospital ( I don't think he was worried about the germs). Why wouldn't I dress nicely to visit? I hoped to cheer up my friend, not depress her with a grungy outfit!

Aquamarine

Veteran

Wow, there is so much STUFF in this thread. Traci, I struggle with this too. As a stay-at-home Mom for 20 years, and even now back to work in an age and industry where no one seems to care what you wear, it's been a slightly depressing journey. I often feel, 'why bother' or even like a poseur when I think about stepping outside the cultural norm and wearing my riding boots or a nice jacket, for heaven's sake.

Obviously if we are here at YLF, we care and are interested in clothing and how it represents us. But I admit it can feel like a battle sometimes, when the the dress up occasions are few and far between and it seems like everyone around me has either given up or implies it's vain to care about how you look.

I don't want to overstep, but could you be a bit depressed? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and when I have a lot of emotional stuff on my plate, I know I can feel down and much less likely to care. Then it becomes a real struggle to wear something "nice," almost like it takes too much mental energy to out an outfit together *and* own it, too.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Traci, I suspect I have some of the weight-related issues in regard to this, too. I know it's crazy-thinking, but every time I click through to the "perfect" item that doesn't come in my size (and it happens a lot when you're not in the middle of the size range), there's a little voice inside that says I don't deserve to have nice things.

I really came to post this image I saw on Pinterest today, though. It made me laugh at how perfectly it encapsulated that "who does she thinks she is?" feeling.

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/.....776793278/

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