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Body Hatred & Effect on Style

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

This post is going to be a big self indulgent - please don't read if you want to avoid my pity party

I'm going through a horrendous period of body hatred and self loathing. This stems from a great deal of stress in the last three years and my disregard for my own health to a great degree. There have been snippets of time in there where I ate healthy and exercised but to be honest with myself, not enough to make any sort of difference.

As a result I've put on significant weight (again!) and my endocrine imbalance is screaming at me in anger.

Last night I tried on several outfits deciding what to wear today and ended up sobbing on my bed surrounded by a pile of ill fitting clothes and one very confused kitty cat.

I know what I need to do to get back on track but just don't seem to have the mental energy to do so - I will work on that myself obviously. I guess what I'm asking the collective YLF wisdom is how do I deal with getting dressed each day when many of my clothes don't fit, I don't want to go buy more at this size, and still feel stylish? Maybe there isn't really an answer here and I'm just rambling on because it feels relieving to say these feelings out loud. I don't know...

Dressing

59 replies

Latest reply was from Dimity

Thistle

Veteran

First, be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot, and it is easy to lose track of all you have done and focus on the "should've".

Treat yourself, and SAY to yourself the same things you would to your best friend.

I understand clothes that don't fit. My weight fluctuates normally, and after two miscarriages before finally bring able to have DD2, my weight has been all over the board. Here are my strategies, but do what works for you:
1. I always have a week's worth of bottoms on hand that fit. I don't care if they are thrifted, from Target or Old Navy. They have to fit and be comfortable.

2. I need 2 weeks of tops to be happy. This is a lot easier as my weight primarily fluctuated over my hips. But this is just how m body is. I accept that. I don't love it, but I refuse to hate a body that could make two such wonderful little girls. Besides, it is mine, and we have to live together forever. No reason to be mad at it for being what it is.

And know it is hard to find self acceptance. A lot of money is made by us not being happy with ourselves. A Lot. And that is all working against you.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think we all have times when we feel less than fab about our bodies. And I'll admit that sometimes shopping/thinking about fashion can be a way to ignore the realities of what we *should* be doing to be healthy.

Admitting it out loud is usually a good thing to do. Creates personal accountability or something.

My best advice is to start spending at least some of the time you'd normally spend reading/looking at fashion on reading/looking at healthy living topics.

For me, I LOVE food and cooking so I visit blogs related to pretty food that is good for us. I experiment with new gadgets like the spiralizer to make veggie noodles to replace real pasta. I learned only recently to use a pressure cooker to make a healthy pot of beans or stew in just 30 - 45 mins.

I also love reading about nutrition and new advances being made in learning how to use specific nutrition for better health, etc. I am not affiliated with any of the blogs/sites but I do like thekitchn and Life Extension Foundation as two potential starting places.

For most people exercise seems to be a weak link. I'd try to find something you like enough to do most every day.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Shannon -- HUGS!!!

And, what Thistle says.

I was just reading in a link posted on another thread that something like 85% of women have clothes in their closets that don't fit -- that they are hoarding for the day when they will fit.

For fluctuating weight and body changes, I don't think you can do better than knits. Ponte pants, dresses and skirts. And other knit fabrics. Meanwhile, you might be craving a bit of structure in the outfits to make you feel "sharp" and "crisp" -- so back to your beautiful jackets, which I'm sure mostly still fit. And on days when you just can't stand to feel anything that constricts or binds, go soft knit the whole way.

I think we have all had those days. Before I joined YLF I pretty much felt that way every time I had to go to any kind of an event, and by "event" I mean anything from an important meeting or party to a simple trip to the grocery store. Ugh.

You are beautiful just as you are. And very, very stylish.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Ah, Shannon, I so hear you. I'm in about the same place weight wise as I was last year (when I vowed I'd drop a size or two), but my weight has, well, moved. My pants still all fit, although some of the waistbands are a bit snugger.

I try to remind myself, if this were happening to one of my friends, would I love them less? Would I even think of them some of the things I say to myself? Nope.

The difference I see in your pics (as compared to you at your lightest), is modest. I mean, if I compared them side by side, I'd be able to tell, but I would not at all think "ah, it's a shame she let herself go!" I see a beautiful woman: well proportioned, with great legs, curves, fabulous hair and a killer smile. I understand that, for many of us, it takes a certain amount of diligence -- of energy and time to achieve and maintain and optimimum weight.

Wear what works for you right now. Put the things that don't work in a holding zone for now, and bring the things that fit and flatter to the front of your closet.
You will have plenty to play and experiment with!

For myself, I've renewed and intensified my workout regimen, and am feeling better. I've started making small dietary adjustments, although I know I'll need to get more intentional about this --- I'll need to take more time to eat better. I'm still trying to convince myself to do this!

For me, the battle is in my emotions -- my monkey brain, so to speak. I've made a pack of note cards with some affirmations and statements of intention. The first few are prayers and scripture readings meant to focus on my spirit first, before my body. Flipping through these first thing in the morning, and again during the day, is making a dent in my mindset.

Dressing well is even more important when our body image is in the tank. When you clothe yourself in the morning in beautiful things, you treat your body with honor. And you don't have to be super slender to be stylish!

Rock on, Shannon. And know that you are worth the time it takes to eat well and move more! It's like that example of putting on your own oxygen mask first!

Helena

Veteran

Big hugs ... that's a hard place to be, and I echo what Thistle says, that sadly the culture we live in is not very helpful; sadly we're worth more to people being dissatisfied with ourselves, wardrobes, and lives than satisfied.
I think that, if budget allows, you should buy at least a few basics that fit the body you have today. I don't think it will help you reach your goals of greater self-care if you have to feel down on yourself every time you get dressed. Even if it's one or two super-basic pants (so that you can wear them frequently), and perhaps a few cardigans, which give you a bit more flexibility in sizing, that would be worthwhile.
I also think that you need to be very kind to yourself and recognize that you deserve to care for yourself! Easier said than done I know ... it helps to remember that those who depend on you need a healthy, happy you ... so it's not selfish at all to take a bit of time to focus on some health and wellness for yourself, whatever that looks like.
Finally, don't underestimate the impact of this time of year ... it can be a really energy-sapper, which never helps. If appropriate, you might speak to the pharmacist about some Vitamin D, which can get really low at this time of year (clearly not a doctor, but it does help me a lot when skies are gray).
Also, give yourself permission to not look your best for a little while, if that helps ... sounds weird I know, but honestly, we all only have some much energy, time and resources ... sometimes something has to give and as women, we are often told letting our appearance take the back burner means we've "let ourselves go" ... on the contrary, I think sometimes it means we've temporarily let one relatively-unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things thing go so that we can deal with other, more pressing matters. It's allowed! Imagine a man going through a stressful time, perhaps with health issues, sweating his outfits? Would never happen!!! You are entitled to the same latitude!!
Lots of love ... Helena

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Hey lady!! HUGS TO YOU. I'm in the same boat so I totally understand what you are going through. This time of year is stressful as it is so where the outfits that fit (for now) and know that you can and will get back to where you want to be. In my eyes, you always put together and look great and I can't tell any difference in your outfits.

(I am in "hibernation" mode, meaning lots of eating and drinking, minus the exercise and is definitely showing in my snug pants, hence no outfit photos because I'm feeling too self conscious).

Windchime

Veteran

Just wanted to reiterate what others have said about being kind to yourself, as you would be to a dear friend.

Can you make a December mini capsule which you feel great about? Pull from your closet; buy what you need to complete it; enjoy getting dressed through the craziness of the holidays, and worry about the rest of winter next month.

shiny

Veteran

Shannon, I feel you on that. I've gained weight this past year or two and much of it is likely to do with stress. We've had an unbelievable amount of stress, both the good sort (new job/travel) and the bad (deaths in the family, caring for aging in laws). It just seems like it's been one thing after another, with no end in sight.

Maybe I'm rationalizing but I also seem to fluctuate regardless of how much or little I eat or exercise. I've come to wonder if there's some internal factor that dictates my weight. Maybe the micro biome of my gut is simply currently in "feed me" and "slack off" mode?

Regardless, the best thing I did this year for myself wasn't trying a new diet or taking up a new exercise regime. It was doing a major overhaul of my closet. Taking everything out. Wiping down all the dust on the shelves. Then carefully putting back only that which fit. And was COMFORTABLE. Items that don't remind me that I'm wearing them. I culled most of the rest, but did tuck a few beloved items away in storage. This renewed my outlook and yes I have been acquiring new items that fit & filled holes, but even if I hadn't added anything new, just knowing that everything in my closet fit was a huge stress reliever.

Will I lose weight next year? I don't know. But I do know that I deserve to feel happy--- no matter what I weigh.

Robidi

Thistle is so right! Most of us have been where you are and it's great to have an encouraging forum. You are a lovely person and I look forward to your posts whenever I log on. Thanks for your honesty and I always appreciate your great sense of style, which never fluctuates

MsMary

Veteran

SHANNON!! HUGS!!!! I have been there so many times and my heart breaks for you! Here is my prescription:

BUY SOME CLOTHES THAT FIT THE BODY YOU HAVE NOW!!

Yes, I'm shouting. I just feel so strongly about it. I am a battle-scarred veteran of the Weight Wars, and the one thing I learned in 40 years of dieting is this: You can't hate yourself thin. And hating yourself includes refusing to buy clothes that fit a body that is bigger than you want it to be.

I don't know about you, but the only times I was ever successful in losing weight were the times when I was feeling pretty good about myself already. And one of the things that helps me feel good about myself is having pretty clothes to wear, that fit and are comfortable.

Look, life happens and our weight goes up and down. But we deserve to have beautiful, comfortable clothes no matter what our size. And if your life and your body are such that it makes sense to have a few sizes of beautiful comfortable clothes on hand, then that's your reality and you owe it to yourself to make it happen.

Wow. That was a rant. Sorry. But please, please be kind to yourself and don't put your life on hold based on your size. Dress the body you have now.

deb

Veteran

Shannon, you are a beautiful woman!!! Do you think some of the issue could be due to menopause/perimenopause? I ask this because I felt the same way as my body changed with 'the change'. Once I was in full menopause my weight stabilized, though not really the weight I wanted, and I was able to love the body I have and I basically celebrated making it through the whole ordeal.

lyn67

Veteran

Oh, just put on some of your gorgeous dresses, and skirts for showcasting your great legs and you're done! They are more forgiving than pants! Now, guess why I am the Queen Of Pencils, LOL! BTW I can so relate beeing fed up with all the attention our ideal body needs! I say please the body you have right now and so will gain power to go further on your way- you're a trooper, Shannon-no way to give it up! And you always look stylishly fab, no matter what your weight, or budget is! Hugs:-)

deb

Veteran

Shannon, after I read your post I went on to read the other blogs on my favorites list and Sally posted this today. I just had to share it with you.

Hugs.

http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....age-3.html

Classically Casual

Veteran

I'm sorry you're struggling, Shannon. It's a personal struggle for all of us. I just have a couple of thoughts...weight loss does get easier when one is older...and try to up your activity this month so January will be less of an issue. (My gym has challenged its members to workout 15 or more times in December as a way to enforce healthy habits during the holidays.)

Best to you in finding what works for you....

Laurie

Veteran

Hi -first, hugs. Wanted to pick up on what you said about your endocrine imbalance and ask if you've had a physical lately with a really good blood panel workup? As mentioned above, your D could be low, and your thyroid might be off, and then there is iron. I'm hyper conscious of all of the endocrine/hormonal balances because my thyroid doesn't function. Menopause has been truly traumatic, and the first thing I found out was how many aspects of my chemistry were out of whack. Obviously it affects everything: mood, weight (which further affects mood!) etc.... So, maybe one proactive thing to do is to find a great and sympathetic doctor in your area who specializes in this and make sure your body is balanced and helping you (however, I do not recommend an endocrinologist - PM me if you want to talk further about this).
You are a gorgeous and put-together woman. I hope you get a comfortable capsule together with all of the great YLF suggestions, and accessorize like crazy!

Anonymous

Shannon - I haven't read the other replies here yet , and I will - but I wanted to say right here and now that I know EXACTLY how you feel. To the point where I wondered if I typed your headline myself in some sort of fugue state . I asked the forum this same question a few months ago too - how do we dress when we hate everything in our closet, and can't afford nor bear to go out and buy a bunch of new things in a new size. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what the answer is. I thought I had it covered when I bought a new pair of jeans and some new pants - but you know what? The jeans weren't comfortable, and the pants are Ok, but.......it wasn't the answer. I am here to listen, to offer support, but am not sure I have answers. I need some too. I work out, eat healthily, but I am not the same size and shape I was even 6 months ago. I think my issue may be hormonal/menopausal. But anyways - I hear you. I wish I had a magic answer for you. Let's get together next week, finally meet, and have a glass of wine ?

Anonymous

Can I be perfectly honest and say too that I find it difficult here at times because there are so many members who are tiny, slim and can wear pretty much anything without feeling yucky. That part has been tough for me - call it what you want, but it is what it is. You are NOT being self-indulgent at all. Lots of us go through this and as you said, sometimes even writing about it can help reduce the anxiety. Again, I'm here if you want to pm me about it.

unfrumped

Veteran

Sorry for the way you are feeling. You've done well to identify that it's "feelings" and that's the key thing, and also that you want to focus on more healthy habits, but like most of us, you're human and it's hard to do all the good things.

I think about that if I'm shopping when I could be working out! Because I know that the better shape I am in, the happier I'll be in whatever I'm wearing. But I don't always act on it.

Also, we get a lot of hype about aggressively tossing out all our clothes that don't fit, including larger sizes or looser-fitting items, but many people have weight fluctuations and couldn't possibly buy all new things every 6 months, so weight fluctuations, so it makes sense to keep at least a few items in a range of sizes, and keep some "strategic" fits, that are more forgiving. Sure, many of these will go "out of style" at some point, but some items, as have been pointed out, are more classic, more transcendent of size, more forgiving. I don't buy into the idea that keeping some of those around is "giving in". Feeling like we have nothing to wear that fits and is comfortable is very uncomfortable and easily triggers the downward spiral of bad-talk to self.

Laurinda

Veteran

Big hugs to you Shannon, and everyone else struggling with these issues.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I hear you loud and clear Shannon. I too have had issues with fluctuating weight - often. This last few years have been horribly challenging as I was having far more trouble getting it under control than I ever have in my life. It didn't seem that I had any control. I would track everything I ate and be diligent and perhaps lose a pound every two or three weeks. One meal and it would be back. So discouraging.

I think we are "of an age" and I have to say that the last few months have been MUCH better. I took the drastic step of cutting out carbs completely in June after I gained 3 lbs during a 6 week weight loss challenge (how lowering). I don't know if it was that the hormonal fluctuations associated with being in the 50ish group settled down or that cutting out all carbs and sugar helped me to gain control, but I feel like I have some control for the first time in years. YEARS!!

Mary is right on in her advice. At one point, I decided I couldn't wait to buy a few items to wear so that I didn't have to add the emotional roller coaster to the one my weight was riding. It was liberating to accept and forgive myself for a while.

I agree with Suz that dresses are a good option. You have an amazing shoe/boot collection as well as a number of fab jackets. Why not buy one or two nice fitting dresses (after trying the EF pieces first) in neutrals that can be accessorized. I also found that a heavy knit slim pant was a good friend for me. You have some really nicely draping cardis and sweaters that you could layer over your pants and dresses. It wouldn't take too many simple, basic, neutral items to give you a lot of outfits that you could feel good in and that fit well.

I bought two pairs of ponte pants when I was in that unhappy weight place you now call home. I am down about 14 lbs now and they still fit and I still wear them but they still would have been worth every last penny if they hadn't. They gave peace of mind at a time when I needed it.

Another option is a uniform approach to dressing. There is a woman on my floor who wears either a denim skirt or a black ponte knit skirt with a black or grey t-shirt and a jacket or cardi EVERY day. It takes the choice out of the equation as well as the stress. Keep your creativity to your non-work life when you have more time to experiment.

You are a lovely person inside and out. This is just a phase and you can get through it because you are also smart and funny and good.

Hang in there.

Jem

Veteran

Sorry you are feeling bad Shannon. I know exactly how you feel, too! That's why I haven't been around the last couple of years. In fact, I'm heading to a naturopath right now with hopes that she can help. Also, about a year ago, I got bioidentical hormones that definitely helped, but it seemed that as soon as the weather turned cold again this fall, I'm back to my old self feeling terrible. Anyway, I'm just co-miserating with you. And, hope you can find a way to feel better. I agree that maybe getting a few things that fit now, might help you feel better in the meantime. ♥♥♥

shiny

Veteran

Also can I just add that I finally caved and got my bra resized? I'd been stubbornly holding out on that, with the idea I was going to drop this weight real soon. I am now officially a C cup. The bra fitter took one look at me in my B cup and said, "Oh dear...".... I was spilling out all over. And, that B cup used to be loose!

That ONE new item made an enormous difference in how clothes fit and more importantly how I feel. It's awful when you are walking around in a bra so tight it is reminding you every second that you've gained weight, and you just can't wait to peel it off and slink brainlessly back into schlumpy loungewear.

I agree with Laurie that it's worth taking the time to get those doctor checkups. I have been making those rounds this past year. Ultimately the issue may simply be peri-menopause, and if that is the case, then I figure I might as well gracefully embrace my changing shape, rather than fight it. I'm already seeing some hints that menopause will be welcome, as my weight is less and less fluctuating wildly with monthly swings (more like 3-4 month swings).

Lisap, the people that I envy are those that fit the average curve for mass manufactured clothes. Meaning no matter what their weight, size or age, they can find a wealth of options off the rack, without alterations. But hanging around here long enough I realize that's exceedingly few people.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

Big hugs for you, Shannon!!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Darling, Shannon. I'm grateful that this thread has shown affection and support. I'm also sorry that you're going through this right now. (((HUGS))). I have no extra words of wisdom, but I do want to say - FWIW - that I hadn't noticed that you'd gained weight at all. Each time I see your WIW's - which I click on daily - I am in awe of your ongoing high style quotient. And I don't say that lightly. We are here to help where we can. Much love. xo

Anonymous

I echo exactly what Angie said.

Debbie

Veteran

Shannon-I have loved your WIW's lately the EF outfits and your conscious effort for comfort have inspired. Weight issues plague most of us in some form or another.
You are a beautiful woman try not to beat yourself up and my advice is to pamper yourself a bit. Go to the salon have a facial or your nails done. Put the emphasis on you for a little while. Hugs!

Peri

Veteran

Jut knock me right over, I had no idea you were feeling so bad. Your recent pics have been my fashion ideal of a truly beautiful woman who dresses with flare and creativity and pizzazz.

I wish we didn't all equate goodness with size. I don't have a solution though. I don't feel great about my apple belly, but most of my body irritation comes from pain and wishing I was stronger and didn't have limitations. I love what Thistle said about not hating a body that made two beautiful little girls. Can you focus on what you can do, rather than what you think you look like. Notice that "think you", cause reality is you look beautiful.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Nodding along with all the others. I think most of us have felt this way at one time or another. I'm just back from spending time in the land of red meat and fried food, and I'm feeling it, even though I was walking lots every day and getting in a few 5k runs here and there. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that my weight is *shifting* -- I've always had a relatively small waist, but pants that didn't give me muffin top a couple of years ago are now starting to squeeze me in a way I do not like. I'm giving thanks for fluid fits.

But I really think that it's easier to deal with shifting body/weight changes is easier when you're in a stronger emotional state to begin with. When I start getting caught up in negative thinking about my body, I stop and take a look at what else is going on in my life and my mind: What I am avoiding dealing with? What is making me feel "less than"? What am I gaining by focusing on something I have so little control over in that moment? And then I get out the door and go for a walk, a run, or a bike ride. I swear, those things have been better for me than years of therapy were (and that is not a knock on therapy -- I did find it very valuable).

So, like the others have said, please take some time to be kind to yourself. You've had a lot to deal with in this last year or so. Find some FFBOs that work for you right now, and put them front and center in your closet so the other things that don't make you feel so great are not staring you in the face when you go to get dressed.

Big hugs to you. You always look terrific to me!

Anonymous

Something I was thinking about this morning at the gym after reading this -I'm on a mission while I have a few weeks of a quieter work schedule- that might be interesting to you (I know it was to me) if you've never read about this before......the body produces excess levels of cortisol when under stress, and cortisol itself encourages the body to accumulate abdominal fat as some sort of protection mechanism . No thanks, don't need that protection:) It's a fact, and one that I remind myself of when I feel the anxiety over my body ramping up. It also is a good reminder that some of this weight shift/gain is not due to our lack of control or lack of working out. Stress is a very real factor here. We are at that age where caring for aging parents, finances being not what we'd want them to be, family issues, kids growing up, our own identities in question, etc are playing a huge role in our day-to-day lives. Figure out what you can cut out from your to-do list , and cut it out. Easier said than done, i know, but it's what I'm trying to do.

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