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Backsliding

Thistle

Veteran

I never did a "veteran" post mainly because I never really felt like I had learned enough to share. As I have been home and had a lot of early morning hours with my thoughts and a nursing baby, I have had a few realizations.

1. I know I look better in skirts and dresses. I have always known this. But I am a pants girl at heart. Partially for ease, partially to fit in with my very male work environment, but mostly because of my climate. I have no real intention of wearing skirts once it gets below 0C or 32F. This is October-April for me.

2. I don't much like wearing jackets though I love the look of them. Perhaps it is finding ones that fit and flatter with a large bust (before nursing). Mostly, though, it is comfort. Finding comfortable ones are hard, and I was more than happy enough to slide right back into wearing cardigans with my maternity wardrobe. I will not be buying any toppers for my post-maternity capsule.

3. My skin hates dry cleaning chemicals, and I am not a fan of hand washing. Apparently, neither were my ancestors. Hence, the washing machine. And I will have even less time for this with two children. I purposely skip over garments I know are fussy no matter how stylish.

4. My shape is not conducive to fashion. Trying to find pieces that fit is hard. I know it is for all of us, but I have neither the time nor energy for the returns game. And shopping in my area, especially in my size, is extremely limited.

5. I don't love fashion. I have to get dressed each day, so I want to do it well. Maybe it is because I will never meet the criteria to be fashionable (I will never be truly thin), or perhaps it is by body's allergic response to make-up and other things. Or maybe it is just our lifestyle. Our friends are super casual. Our families are super casual. Our life, other than my work, is super casual.

Is it possible to look put together and polished yet still make it easy? I am not sure it is. A part of me feels like fashion is for those born with the gene or those with the time and resources to make it work for them. Or maybe I am just feeling especially frumpy as winter has firmly settled in and we haven't seen more than glimpse of the sun in 2 months.

Dressing

32 replies

Latest reply was from AviaMariah

abc

Veteran

I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit. Will we ever look like the 6ft tall stick thin super models? Nope. But we can look pulled together no matter our size and shape. I've seen a lot of your WIWs and I saw progression in your style, and also in your open-mindness to try new things. That, to me, is what counts in the game of fashion.

I am 100% with you on points 3 and 4. If it isn't machine washable, I pretty much won't buy it, bc I am too lazy to dry clean. And I hear you on #4, especially when you fall in that in-between space of reg and plus sizes it can be hard to fit.

I think right now what you need to focus on is a small set of really functional pieces that you can put together without thinking but that still look presentable. You live a casual life (I do too, now even more since I don't go to an office) so your wardrobe should reflect that.

Are you looking to add some items and don't know what to do, or are you just musing?

columbine(erin)

Veteran

Aww, Thistle, I want to hug you! You do indeed have some challenges and I am sure with the weather and recuperating from just having had a baby and the joy and yet tired busyness that brings, it's difficult to feel put together right now. Hang in there. I do think fashion can be for any age and size. But it is more difficult for some and during some seasons.

merwoman

Veteran

First of all, HUGS to you Thistle! It seems to me that you have got yourself remarkably 'sorted' - you've got your lifestyle figured out, and you know what works for you. I'd say that was veteran like behaviour You rock beautiful lady!
And as far as defining fashionable - you know that we each define it for ourselves. It's all about feeling good in what we choose to put on - be it a great pair of shoes, a scarf whatever. You don't need me to tell you dear Thistle that it is ok to put 'fashion' on the back burner during this very hectic time of your life.

Thistle

Veteran

Hard to believe, but I am already half way through the maximum amount of maternity leave you can take in the US. I am covered by FMLA, so I get 12 weeks. Very jealous of my British counterparts right now! Even my Chinese counterparts get more leave, and it is paid(!).

Anyway, I digress. But yes, it is time to out a post maternity wardrobe together. I am hoping to use a lot of pieces from before as I would rather not spend much on a new wardrobe I may or may not fit for long. a few key pieces, etc.

Bringing up the stuff I had packed away got me thinking. So, musings as I think through what I want versus what I need.

abc

Veteran

I hear you on wants vs needs. I struggle with this all the time. If you can, maybe put together enough to get you buy the first few weeks, then see what works and what doesn't and go from there. I know that could be an overwhelming task right now, but I find it's better to actually see what I need after wearing stuff than try to guess beforehand (I've made a lot of mistakes that way).

Also I was going to mention about your point 2 on the jackets, I know your workplace may be too formal for this, but I have a couple that are made of knit or ponte and they are my go-to toppers because they have that ease/give a regular blazer doesn't have. I know you have the extra challenge of fitting your bustline, though.

Good luck and honestly try not to be hard on yourself. You have a ton on your plate, I remember going back to work after having my 2nd and it is tough enough without adding pressure on yourself.

unfrumped

Veteran

It's Winter in Wisconsin With a Baby! That would challenge anyone, I think.

Seriously, I hear you on whether I might be in a situation where I've put together an outfit and it's not actually "me" or for my lifestyle. I'm just about to miss an entire "party season" due to work schedule and will then hope that the items I planned to wear are still usable another time or year.

You've done a great job of creating good-looking, polished outfits. But you've identified you need Really Good Pants --and heaven knows, those are HEWI's for most people. Your upscale washable knits or washable blends can still work, hence Talbot's is still a good source. Maybe you will end up repeating more and duplicating the pants that are the best. There've been plenty of discussions on, who can tell which pair of black pants we're wearing, anyway--and I probably have the world's largest collection. Your cashmere sweaters are fab, but there's room for washable heavier knits, and wear your favorite colors when you can find them. This is all focused on workwear, as a start. It sounds like you might fit the pattern of a smaller wardrobe of the best items with repeats, with maybe a selection of necklaces or similar accessory to change up, but with washable items you would need to replace regularly as items get pilled or show other wear and tear.
For home you've had some great jeans + tops looks, and of course sporty knitwear if you can find retailers you like. Again, happy colors.
Keep the faith! Need more light rays.

deb

Veteran

Post delivery is such a tough time, both mentally and physically. Plus the weather is not helping at all. I hear you on the cardigans, I love them. Cany pull off the long cardigans that are in the stores right now? One in a pretty color may help your winter/post pregnancy doldrums. Just a thought.

Helena

Veteran

Hi Thistle, I just wanted to tell you I am so relating to your sentiments ... I took am a very casual person living a very casual life. I often put on "outfits" that I know look good but are so not me ... I am a hundred times happier in my plain tee and jeans, sans accessories (or at least with very few). I also don't want to stand out for my clothes - I want to blend in. That's my personality; it's not about lacking confidence or anything, to me it makes me feel appropriate and at ease to hit somewhere in the middle ground when it comes to dressing. It's taken me some time to come to terms with that.

The one thing that does help me is to think that, because of experimentation and learning (e.g. on this forum), I feel confident that I know what make a tee flattering, and same for the jeans. I know better how to accessorize, and so my choice not to become a deliberate expression of personal style, rather than something I don't do because I don't know how. I am sure that all you have learned from YLF and your various experimentation means that, if you are a casual girl at heart, you can do casual well, in a way that's you. You can bring a degree of intention to your dressing, which IMO is what makes someone look pulled together - even in yoga pants and a hoodie! No skirts or toppers in sight!! (I tend to avoid those as well).

Just my thoughts - perhaps putting a bit too much of my own "stuff" into this response - but for what it's worth ...

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thistle, I enjoyed reading your insights and I can empathize on many points (even though we have totally different fit challenges!). It sounds like you actually have a pretty good handle on what's important to you.

As far as not loving fashion -- to be honest, I can't say I do either. At least, not in the sense of following high fashion. I do like clothes, and I do like feeling happy in my clothes. But I never buy fashion magazines, I couldn't care less about fashion bloggers*, I'm not that experimental, and I like what I like. I read Angie's blog with pleasure because of the advice, and I enjoy this forum because gives me a place to exchange ideas about fashion (and sometimes off-topic things too), but I'm not a die-hard. So I can totally relate to you there.

I hate hand washing too. With the fire of a thousand suns. So we got a machine that has a hand wash cycle. It comes in handy.

On the topic of thinness: it's true that we see the clothes on thin models, and thin is awarded a certain privilege in our culture. But thin is not the only way to be beautiful. You also don't have to be thin to have style. Style is more than just the clothes you wear. I have a number of friends who will 'never be thin', as you say, and they are stylish and gorgeous.

Also, I'm with you on the skirts. I know skirts look good on me, and my legs are probably my best feature so why not show them off...but I'm a pants girl at heart too.

Finally, remember to go easy on yourself -- the postpartum period is tricky for a lot of us.

*Except Angie, but I don't like her simply because she's a fashion blogger. There are a million of those, and since they are strangers, I am profoundly disinterested in looking at their outfits. But Angie doesn't feel like a stranger. Angie and Greg have approached this differently: they have set up an awesome website where there's interaction and feedback -- an ongoing conversation between not only the host and each participant individually, but also between the forum participants. It's brilliant. THAT'S why I come here.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What Aziriphale said.

And HUGS!!!

I am in actually in AWE of your gentle persistence and determination to look your best. To think of what you have gone through the past few years, with toddler, extreme weather, serious loss, other family stress, pregnancy, new baby....sheesh, woman. Give yourself a break!!!

Like the others, I've seen your style develop since you got here. If you need a few months just to hunker down with baby in your sweats and a pullover, well, that makes a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I liked fashion as a teen and 20-something and followed it a bit -- but felt discouraged that I didn't seem to have the "gene" nor the money to finance the wardrobe I dreamed of.

Fast forward to the family building years and I didn't pay attention to fashion at all!

So in my book, you are doing amazingly.

To everything there is a time and a season, and winter in Wisconsin is not the high fashion season.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Hey Thistle - I think it's probably very normal to be feeling a little out of sorts with fashion right now. Heck, it's not even really cold here and I can get in a sort of winter "funk" - and I don't have a newborn keeping me up all hours of the night! So what's my excuse? Holiday blues? Probably.

Anyway, I hope you and baby are doing well and you are taking good care of yourself. I can't remember if you have family in the immediate area or if they offer any assistance, but from my own friends and family's experiences, I realize that it can be overwhelming having a second child when the first one is still very young. So, I agree you have to give yourself a pretty big break.

You've done a tremendous job of looking very pulled together and stylish time and time again. And as for "veteran" status, if that meant we are supposed to have our fashion sense all sorted I think many of us would fail. We're all learning, trying, experimenting at our own speeds I think.

You already said that you work/live in a very casual environment, so that is great for right now it seems. You can choose how much time/effort to put into fashion and there's not a lot of social pressure over it. But you can still stay interested if you want, I find it nearly as enjoyable (maybe more) to talk about other people's outfits and shopping here on YLF. It's fun to try to give constructive criticism and such.

Thistle

Veteran

Busted on the sweats and pullover. :). I don't leave the house moats days, and everything I wear needs to be warm, soft for baby, and machine washable because of baby AND her big sister. When I do go out, it's jeans and a sweater.

Az, I totally agree with you on YLF. It is the only "blog" I follow at all, and frankly, I come for the forum where there is interaction with both Angie and all of the fab members of YLF. I don't read fashion magazines, follow blogs, or watch shows. It's just not fun to me.

I need to find that ultimate fabrication - soft, kind to my skin, easily washable, and durable!

rachylou

Veteran

Hmm. I don't know, Thistle. Could be winter moodiness. I mean, I'm a chronic sufferer of *seasonal fashion fog* that's for sure. Seems to me, you've built a sweet wardrobe that includes pants.

Also, coincidentally, just yesterday I was talking to myself about how jackets don't work for me that well. I run too cold. Wearing a sweater under the jacket solves the problem... but really the jacket is superfluous and it gets awkward with so many layers... so what's the point?

I'm not sure how effortless the whole shopping thing can be, tho. Forget fashion. I've needed a new functional long-length puffer forever. Winter coats barely arrived in the shops two weeks ago, and no long puffers. Arggghg!!

rachylou

Veteran

Back to say, on the subject of being fashionable: While I *do* love fashion and being in on the trends, I've noticed that my style is not *F*ashionable. When I get dressed, I ask Is this Quirky Waif? I don't ask Is this Fashionable?

I don't think it would work for me if I tried to do the style called Fashionable, if that makes any sense...

DonnaF

Veteran

Please don't be so hard on yourself!!! And yes, you have learned quite a bit here on your path, including The Power of Footwear and you have quite a nice stylish collection. Perhaps aim for Stylish vs. Fashionable in a way that reflects you and your casual lifestyle?

A year or two ago I gave up buying anything DCO. It eliminates some choices, but maybe that's good. Mesh bags and the the Hand Wash and Delicate cycles are my friend. I've even found quite a number of jackets/toppers/blazers that are washable.

Cardigans tend not to look good on me, but some knit jackets do! They can be as comfy as a cardi and just as washable. Some have minor shoulder pads for shape. Just a thought.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Haven't read all the responses. I think you are very, very wise to know what you need, like, and care about. There is absolutely nothing wrong or flawed with that approach in any way. Our clothing exists to serve us, and it does that best by being selected with serving us in mind. If you've come to time-honored conclusions about that, you're more than halfway there!

As far as your figure, you are as you are made. I personally have favorite brands that get me, and I think you might be best served by finding and buying those brands and being loyal. I know you don't like the buy/return spiral, but maybe buying EIleen Fisher (say) in one big go, knowing you will return a bunch of it, and trying it all on is not a bad way to deal -- buying and returning or a year or season at once, then having done.

Gaylene

Veteran

Thistle, can you, Elizabeth, and Torontogirl push over on the bench to make room for me--along with a few others who might be joining us? Elisabeth (Az) pretty much summed up my feelings in her comment. I LIKE fashion but I don't love it. Fashion blogs bore me to tears (with YLF being the sole exception for many the same reasons others have articulated). but I also think that reading Angie's blog and participating in the forum has a subliminal effect on my dressing. You learn things that you can't unlearn. I'm now more conscious of details and styling tips that seem to make even my most casual outfits look a bit better than many that I see on the street.

Be happy in your sweats and sweater with your family around you in the Wisconsin winter. Wear what seems practical when you go back to work. But also know that many of the small tweaks and lessons you've already incorporated into your thinking from being on this website will make a difference.

Astrid

Veteran

Joining Gaylene and the others on the bench. I don't read fashion magazines either and I don't read fashion blogs, or many blogs full stop. The only blogs I'm looking at from time to time are about minimalism. I was never into fashion and I didn't get clothes and style. I thought I could never figure it out. Like everyone had this inborn sense about getting dressed but me. When I found this place here I finally thought it was a thing that wasn't out of reach, that I could learn it too. And I did learn a lot and like Gaylene said, I think I'm now dressing a lot better than many people I see on the street. But I still don't care about fashion with a big F. I care about feeling good about my clothes and wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself. I also care about being a sensible consumer and buying things that work for me and my life, things that I really use. Also, practicality always comes first. YLF taught me the joy of looking at clothes, outfits and other people's (often very different) style without feeling like I necessarily need to take part in everything and that I don't need to find myself lacking because of that.

viva

Veteran

Oh, Thistle! First, I envy you sitting and nursing your new child. I hope you are enjoying this time, getting some sleep, and loving your baby. My girls are grown and I can hardly remember those days, but if I try very hard I can feel what it was like to have my oldest fall asleep on my chest. Sublime.

I have had on-and-off struggles with feelings similar to yours since joining YLF. I honestly thought I loved fashion, but somewhere along the way I realized that I love beauty -- or what I personally find beautiful or interesting. Sometimes it's fashionable, and sometimes it's not. I don't read any other fashion blogs, I don't buy fashion magazines, and I probably could not name 5 favorite designers. All I can tell you is that sometimes I see something and I have a visceral response to it. But a lot of times, I'm just "meh" about the whole thing.

I have a casual life, work from home, and spend many a day in pajamas or gym clothes, especially in the winter when the lack of sun for weeks on end can send me into quite a tailspin. YLF has gotten me to the point of dressing much more often, which I am actually quite grateful for. And on those days, I try be thoughtful and, like Rachy, ask -- "is this me?" -- rather than "is this fashionable?"

I guess what I am saying is, not everyone out here wants to work hard at fashion either, but there is room for all of us.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

Good thoughts all! I'm sending more. Postpartum is fugly in the best of circumstances. If you're not stark-something (naked... raving mad... you fill in the blanks...) consider yourself ahead of the game. Hugs!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Darling, Thistle. There is so much love and wisdom for you on this thread. It's quite moving. A big thanks to all for your awfully kind, compassionate, thoughtful and wise responses.

Thistle, you are in a brilliant position actually, because you know what you need, like and want - and are happy about it. That's key. It's when you're not happy with your needs, likes and wants that the cobwebs set in, and so begins the negative spiral. It is SO okay to not love fashion. (I have many clients in your position actually). You can absolutely look polished, professional and presentable by building onto your epiphanies here. I don't see this as a step back at all. It's a step forward because you've identified what is most important in your life. Style starts from within - and when it feels right - it's effortlessly manageable and authentic.

On that note, it's important that you feel good about yourself, which is hard to do postpartum with 6 long months of bitter Winter ahead of you. It's a pleasure for us to help you get through this period so that you're back to feeling more "yourself". The happier you are within yourself, the better example and influence you are to your children. That might be your most important motivating factor when it comes to your interest in fashion and style. And that works well too.

I'm excited to work on a postpartum wardrobe with you. Don't sell yourself short. You looked great in your last WIW's, and I have no doubt that you will feel that way again. From what I pieced together, you have a hubs who dotes on you, and enjoys your style. What a gift. Much love always. xo

(Many thanks to Elisabeth, Suz and Gaylene for your awfully kind words about YLF).

catgirl

Veteran

Well, it's all been said but I'm going to add this. I ADORE fashion and I still feel as you do and want to rip my hair out getting dressed most days. Can you imagine the state I'd be in if it wasn't a passion for me? Give yourself a break - you are juggling loads of things and should prioritize what you truly love. Honestly, most people are not noticing the details as we do here on YLF, and it's okay to cut yourself some slack if you're not PPL or JFE or whatever every day. Hugs!

Jules

Veteran

I can relate to a lot of this. Especially, pants. And machine washable - I won't even do much in the way of ironing. After a period of ylf-inspired experimentation, I've reverted back to a couple of uniforms. I don't feel the need to try trends I don't immediately love. I find it much easier to stick to a couple of silhouettes that are practical for the season and flattering enough, getting my variety from colour and texture.
And, I feel great in my clothes

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Thistle, sorry to hear you're feeling a bit blue. When I read your post, #4 and #5 resonated with me, especially the frustration with having a shape that is "not conducive to fashion" and not "loving fashion," perhaps because of our very casual environments.In an effort to cheer you up, this bit has also uplifted my mood, namely: there is no shape conducive to fashion. There are trends, they're never permanent, and they're not universal. (Now to negotiate the skirts that do not fit anymore).

I think it is possible to feel polished without much difficulty if you have a well-curated minimalist wardrobe. With kids, that might mean having duplicates of items, but I have found reducing the numbers of items, even if it means boxing them up for a season or two, to be helpful in streamlining the decision process. You seem to know have a strong sense of what works for you, perhaps trying something like 333 will make getting dressed more enjoyable and easier?

It's hard not to feel frumpy in the dark depths of winter, but you might find that a seasonal blue lamp (my mother and I have one by Phillips) will perk up your mood.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Agreeing with the wisdom here. I love fashion but I think, in the long run, it is easier for those of us who aren't made for it. We have to find our own way earlier You seem to know yourself & your needs very well - it sounds to me more like the beginning of finding your own style than a descent into frump.

missvee

Veteran

I'm agreeing with the others that you've always had a very good sense of what suits you and what doesn't, and that's a rare talent IMHO. I don't see anything wrong with adopting a uniform that suits your body type and your lifestyle - look at Emanuelle Alt and her ever present skinnies/shirt/heels/blazer. Everyone is gaga over her style, even though it's the same silhouette virtually every time. I've always been very interested in fashion but more as a spectator sport really, an appreciation of the creativity that goes into the design. But I'm more than happy to adopt a winter look of cords or jeans plus sweater, and maybe add some interest with a bit of jewelry or a nice scarf.
What's important now is time with your precious girls, so enjoy yourself and know that your " style quotient " is just fine!

Peri

Veteran

Thistle, my best suggestion is to banish the word backsliding. It implies failure. You are not failing, you have simply hit the pause button for the most wonderful of reasons. Why shouldn't fashion take a backseat for however long you need it to? You just have other priorities right now. And if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed...who wouldn't be? Are there any moms of newborns who don't?

Do you have pants that work for you...comfortable, easy care, and acceptable looking? Buy 3...or 4...pairs and wear them exclusively. No one notices pants. Wear the same pants all winter...as long as you've always got a clean pair, no one will be the wiser.

Do you have a sweater you like? Buy it in several colors.

I hope the makeup discussion didn't make you feel so bad. You said you would never be stylish because you don't wear makeup...I love makeup, doesn't mean you have to. I wear gym shoes with nice clothes, a "style" that makes many people shudder in horror. I've seen your shoes...they are so much better than mine! We just do what we can. "Be kind, always" also means being kind to yourself.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Thistle, this is an illuminating run-down on what your style is about right now. And so much of what you say resonates with me. I am a cardigan gal at heart. Finally I'm finding some jackets I like. But I still reach for my cardigans more, and I've added some pullover sweaters to my repertoire. I don't like dry-cleaning or hand-washing (though I have realized I need wool and cashmere in my life for the warmth). I want a wardrobe that is easy-care and easy to wear.
I agree with others that I would try to avoid thinking of backsliding. You're not dressing for work now, and you are on leave caring for your new baby, so of course you are wearing more casual clothes. You have a wonderful style, and I'm glad you've shared it with us here. I hope you'll get back to doing some WIWs when you have the time. Meanwhile, it's great to have you share your thoughts.

tolkitty

Hi Thistle, I think you're incredibly wise to understand what your needs and priorities are, and to make decisions that work for you. With the stresses of everyday life and busy routines, you need a wardrobe that is functional and practical for you!

I also live and work in an area far from a "fashion hotspot", and I'm learning how to filter trends and "advice" based on what works in my environment. For example, I live in a rural area and go everywhere by car, and since I live on a dirt road my car is always dirty! It's not worth it to buy any white clothing, because it would simply get dirty in seconds. We also have a long winter, and while corduroy pants might be considered frumpy and casual by others, where I live they are considered dressier than jeans. Meets the work dress code, comfy, easy to wash, and WARM - works for me! Oh, and I rarely bother with what seems like the "hassle" of makeup.

I enjoy finding inspiration here at YLF (whether practical, aspirational, or simply aesthetically pleasing) and living vicariously through others. I am curious and love to learn about life in other places. I have a strong artistic/creative side and seek ways to express this through clothing and styling. Off the top of my head, these are a few of my personal reasons for participating in the forum.

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