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Asking someone if they’re pregnant

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I just don’t get it. Don’t get it. Truly. WHY do people ask you if you’re pregnant? First of all, it’s nobody’s concern, and second of all, the repercussions of creating negative body image are overwhelming. I think that this question should be left unuttered at anytime. Especially if you’re trying to have a baby.

I’ve been asked this question so many times, so when Sarah brought up that she had been asked the question recently, it brought back memories. It also brought back memories of friends and clients who have been asked this very question because they carry a little extra around the middle. It’s so rude and thoughtless in all contexts.

I guess this thread has no point. Just wearing my heart on my sleeve.

General

67 replies

Latest reply was from Ellen

April

Veteran

Angie, you are so right about this; there are at least a hundred reasons why that question should *never* be asked. People can be incredibly obtuse.

My personal rule is, if someone hasn't confided in me privately or made a public announcement, I make no assumptions and ask no questions about pregnancy unless a baby is crowning...

Dani

Veteran

Unfortunately, in today's society, there is no censor for thoughts becoming spoken words. I think it's got a lot to do with the internet society and people/magazines providing way too much detail about formerly private topics. It's become accepted to ask formerly impolite questions and to take liberties with assumptions. I'm constantly amazed by the conversations I overhear between the moms at my son's sports practices or just in line at the store. I long for the bygone era of minding your own business!

Just my opinion, for what it's worth. I'm sorry that anyone has experienced pain at the hands of someone else's thoughtlessness.

shiny

Veteran

(((((((((Angie))))))))))

My sister had many miscarriages, including 1-lb triplet boys, before having my beautiful niece (who was a twin but my nephew was born brain-dead and died on his 10th day), so I am also highly sympathetic to this as well.

I have also come to think a little non-pregnant belly is actually kind of cute!!! I've come to that conclusion in my 40s because my belly isn't ever going to be perfectly flat.

Maya

Veteran

I could not agree more Angie. I already went off about this in Sarah's thread but it truly befuddles me.

I have not been asked this hideous question yet, probably only because of my age, but I swear to you, whoever asks me is going to rue the day they opened their mouth!

Even if a woman actually is pregnant, it's NOBODY'S business! If she isn't discussing it, there is probably for a reason for that. And what if the woman is NOT, in fact, pregnant? Do the askers of this question ever stop to think about what they plan to say in that case? Or are they too busy swallowing their foot to say anything!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

April, I love your rule.

Dani, you are so right. Having my Dad here again and observing the things that he DOESN’T say brings it all back home. Privacy has become a privilege nowadays.

I also meant to say that I am by no means a martyr. I have said PLENTY of rude and thoughtless things in my day, but at least I will never ask anyone if they’re pregnant. In most cases, unless it's visually obvious that someone is pregnant, there is nothing to be gained by asking this question.

Asha

It's so true. Why people do this is beyond me. Dani, I think you have a really good point as to why privacy seems to be a moot issue nowadays. Angie, you're so right - it's now a privilege. People just don't think before they speak, and it's appalling. I know everyone does it (myself included), but when it comes to pregnancy, I just think there is something so much worse about it.

While we're on the subject of pregnancy, it is also never okay to comment on a pregnant woman's size, due date, etc. Examples:

"Wow, are you sure you aren't having twins?"

"No way, you can't be 8 months along - you're so small! Are you sure the baby is okay?"

These two comments were said to me on the same day (obviously by two different people).

Vani

Veteran

I couldn't agree more with you ladies. Of all the thoughtless, inconsiderate off-the-cuff remarks people make these days, this is the one that gets my goat. Pregnancy is a VERY private issue. Bad enough a woman has to deal with pressure from family, relatives and the like about if there is any "good news". I'm 31, married 2 yrs now and am having to answer more and more frequently about when we're planning to settle down.

I follow the same rule as April; unless I have been told in confidence or the news has been known publicly, I NEVER broach the topic.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

My years of working as a recruiter has killed my ability to do any kind of personal small talk; when I would talk to my candidates, it was literally ILLEGAL for me to ask them about their children or health or family, so I stopped doing it. Now I probably come across as rude or uncaring because I don't ask about my friend's kids. Whoops! But it also keeps me from asking about a possible pregnancy, so I guess it did have some value.

That said, I have a very good friend/coworker who is suddenly and suspiciously round in her upper middle. I even considered asking her, then realized all the myriad ways that was a terrible idea, and shut my trap in time. *g* I was kind of amazed I had even considered it!

shana

Veteran

Angie, I couldn't agree more. Having suffered from several years of infertility with a miscarriage thrown in, this was truly a devastating question (in fact, it still makes me tear up thinking about it). After my miscarriage I still had a wobbly belly for quite awhile (all the depression induced eating didn't help) and I got asked this question several times, especially since people knew we were trying. Ugh, I cannot explain how painful and heartbreaking it was.

I think part of it is cultural - relatives & friends I know in my community are pretty nosy. I swear they must have started asking me about when we were going to have a baby as soon as we said our "I do's." Imagine 5 long years of hearing those questions!!! My husband started responding with something along the lines of, "I don't feel comfortable discussing my sex life with you." This usually caused so much shock & embarassment that people stopped asking.

I also think the popularity of empire seams didn't help. I remember a male friend of mine asking someone when she was due. After I knocked him on the head a few times, he explained that he thought she was wearing a maternity top. No excuses but it does seem that some guys are easily confused by women's fashions.

taylor

Veteran

The abrupt rudeness of total strangers NEVER ceases to amaze me.

I can't tell you how many times people have said things to me both when pregnant and not that #1 hurt and #2 make me feel like I must apologize somehow for who I am.

I also do NOT get it

Christie

Ugh. I'm sorrier for people for whom the question is painful rather than just embarrassing. I don't ask anyone when they're due until I'm sure they are pregnant.

I'm also realizing that comments on family size or spacing can bring up painful memories, so I'm curbing my tongue even more.

Having been on the receiving end of the embarrassing reason for the question on a few occasions, I'm still trying to think of a witty comeback. Blech.

HannahC

Oh Angie ... hugs ...

Actually, the people in the US are very very tactful comparing to Israel. Seriously. And I can compare because I had my first and my third babies in Israel, and the second in the US (during our postdoc). In Israel, when my first daughter was little, I was asked DAILY when are we finally going to have a second kid. I wasn't hurt because it wasn't a medical issue - because we both were grad students, we decided to wait with the second kid a little (in the hindsight, of course, it would've been much better to have him during Ph.D., than during the postdoc; oh well, we are all smarter in a hindsight). But in Israel everybody has more than one kid, and the age difference between the kids is usually small, plus we were living in a suburban area, surrounded by young and rapidly growing families. Seriously, everyone from neighbors to parents of other kids in my daughter's daycare to her daycare provider asked me repeatedly when we are going to have another kid already. It was driving me nuts.

In the US, when I was pregnant with my second kid, I was huge. Seriously, the baby was very large (and he is still the tallest in his age group), and I was just enormous. Nobody, and I mean, nobody at all ever asked me anything. Amazing. The flip side is that I was using public transportation, and NO ONE ever thought to offer me his seat. Grrrr ... Imagine a very heavily pregnant woman, in November's freezing cold, having to stand for an hour in a packed train.

And then, in Israel again - the age difference between my second and third kids is really small, so they didn't have time to start nagging But sure thing, the congratulations came the first day I appeared in a maternity top.

Of course, now I have to endure the questions when we are going to have a fourth kid ... (and we are not planning!).

Ele

(website)

Angie, I completely agree. For some reason people seem to think pregnancy is open for discussion to anyone, and it isn't treated as the private matter it should be. I can't say this has ever happened to me (except for the time a man offered me a seat on the train because he "couldn't tell if I was pregnant"- um, thanks), but I find it so rude.

At my old company we went through a period when it seems every woman was getting pregnant. It was a really happy time in the office with all the announcements, but my boss went a little crazy with the prospect of half his staff being on maternity leave at the same time. He took to walking around and randomly asking any woman of child-bearing age "Are you pregnant? Are you planning on it? I need three months' warning!" He was a nice guy and it was meant in jest, but honestly. None of your business, mister.

Hannah- It drives me crazy when people don't give their seats to pregnant women on the train! I'm willing to bet it's even worse here in London, there are lots of averted eyes and people suddenly interested in their papers/phones during rush hour. I always, always offer my seat (my Mum would be so ashamed of me if I didn't!) but sometimes it's hard to tell if someone is in fact pregnant. At those times I sit nervously and wonder what to do, but to be safe I usually won't offer. I figure if someone is, they can always ask for a seat, and I'd hate to insult someone who was just carrying some extra (non-baby) weight.

OT, but I can't stand people butting into others' lives in general. Whenever I tell people how long my boyfriend and I have been together (almost 7 years now), the next question is "Where's the ring?" As if that's all me or any woman is interested in! I mean, I'm sure we will get married at some point (who knows, though), but we're only 25 for heaven's sake! It drives me crazy to the point where I actually avoid talking about my relationship with people at all.

merry77

10 years of infertility has made me hypersensitive to this issue. So many great thoughts shared already on the subject but wanted to say I completely understand and sympathize and empathize and all that.

bella

(website)

Veteran

Hear, hear!
I have been subjected to this comment a couple of times. Recently, a "friend" on facebook left this comment on my profile picture, which up until that time I thought was really cute! I can laugh at it now but I was really pissed and of course I took the picture down!
Oh, the fun of living with a belly pooch!

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

Angie, thanks for bringing this up here. I was asked several times when I was heavy (by family friends and random strangers), and while it still crushed me, I understood how someone could think that. But now, at my best shape ever? It was very hard to take, and I admit that it is still weighing on me.
As someone mentioned above, my reasons for not asking are because it's very private and very personal. I have known many women who have had miscarriages or are not able to have children, and the question can bring up too much hurt to even take the chance.
I never ask. Even if it's blatantly obvious. I don't even discuss it unless the mama to be brings it up in conversation. I know everyone is different, but I like to be as careful as I can because you never know.
Asha, in regards to your questions, the only one I ask (after I've been told by the mom to be directly) is when are you due. I've never been pregnant but what I hear from my pregnant/mommy friends is that any of those questions can be taken the wrong way. Pregnancy and birth is a beautiful thing, but I don't want to cross any boundaries and impose on something very personal.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

How appalling that so many of you have had this horrendous experience! *dispenses hugs* The lack of sensitivity and even outright ignorance out there astonishes me. I've never been pregnant, nor have I been asked if I was, but my blindness has exposed me to a wide array of ignorant comments/bahaviours over the years (one particular favourite is people who raise their voice to speak to me, assuming I'm also deaf). At least everyone on this forum seems to have a sense of decorum and discretion and won't ask questions about issues that should be left alone! I personally welcome questions about my blindness, as I prefer to educate people through conversation and am not remotely sensitive about the issue, but more often than not people refrain from asking anything for fear of offending me. If only they'd apply the same principle to pregnancy, a matter which is just as personal and even more likely to be mishandled in casual conversation!

Anonymous

As a person who is shy and often struggles to make conversation, I know I've said some things I wished I could retract. When the words came out I thought Oh no that didn't sound good.
My neighbor has had 3 babies and we look right at each others houses and comings and goings all the time. During her last pregnancy I happened to meet her at the mailbox and just for small talk I asked her how she is feeling and all of that. I wondered if I had crossed some line but wasn't sure if my conversation was too personal.
I guess my point is that some of us do not have good conversational skills and we feel very uncomfortable with that silence and blurt out things that we want to retract. It isn't meant to be hurtful, we are just idiots sometimes.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

If it were me, San, I wouldn't have been offended at all by a question about how I was feeling. Such a query shows thoughtfulness, not a lack of tact such as "hey, are you pregnant?" It's all about the context of the question and the nuance of what's being asked, I guess... But the point is you're not an idiot!

Patience

Veteran

I could not agree more with all of you. I NEVER ask anyone if they are pregnant. I'm pregnant and I still don't like being asked-- there's an adjustment period, you know, adjusting to your changing body. Unfortunately, I have also discovered that some people, once they know you are pregnant, feel licensed to say anything about your size. Sigh. I just don't understand it.

Sarah, I really wish I had the magic words to take that weight off of your mind for good.

Anonymous

Michelle you made me laugh, thanks.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

More hugs to everyone!

*chuckle* both San and Michelle.

Michelle, when I lived in France and could not speak French, I would politely let French people know that I could not understand them. Like a coconut, they would just repeat what they said in French LOUDER. I REALLY laughed at your comment this morning! Thanks for being wonderful you. You have a great sense of humour.

Sandy, to me your comment to your neighbour was completely thought-FUL. There is a huge difference. Also, you couldn't be thoughtless if you tried :0)

Patience, thanks for your very in-the-moment perspective. It really resonated with me.

Sarah, I hope we convince you daily that you look and are KILLER.

HannahC

There should be a balance somewhere ... a balance between the refraining from being rude and invading someone's personal space, and yet rising to give a seat to a pregnant woman, without her asking explicitly (I know I never ever asked to please give me their seat, and I almost passed out several times from being so tired).

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

It's been great having Patience as a friend. I've gleaned a lot from her already and the wisdom has been invaluable. And secretly, if I can look half as stunning as she does right now I'd be elated.
YLF has definitely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, helped improve my self esteem. I think what frustrated me that day is that I let one lousy comment outweight the multiple lovely comments I get here on a regular basis. I *let* it get to me.
I'm working on it from the inside out. Thanks to all of you for being so encouraging and supportive! This is such a lovely group of people and I enjoy being around you all.
San, I think a lot of it has to do with personality. The people who have asked me have always been fairly abrasive and confrontational. Not that I'd ever enjoy having that question asked, but their being rude hasn't helped any. Asking how someone is feeling is never a bad thing to ask. They can choose to share or not. And it isn't directly related to pregnancy or any other health issue.

HannahC

Sarah, and I meant to add but forgot (since I assumed it is very obvious): you look great, you have an enviable figure, and I really don't understand what in the world the person who asked you whether you are pregnant was thinking. Really.
Oh, and the "Hanna" dress looks like it was made for you. Stunning.

San, I refuse to believe that anyone can take a question like "how are you feeling" as an offense or invasion of the private space. It is just sweet that you asked and it shows your genuine interest in your neighbor's well-being.

Michelle - about people who assume that you are deaf - oh my goodness! I hope you smack them right on their heads with one of your fabulous purses!

Anonymous

Yes I can see now that my circumstance was different. Being that our houses face I saw her everyday packing her other kids around, going to work, putting the trash out, so naturally I had alot of feelings invested in her. Her husband works out of town during the week and she was on her own. During the later months of the pregnancy it was summer and she was dragging. I would help her with her trash cans when she wasn't looking, or when she was. I can see that this scenario is much different than a work mate or stranger asking rude questions. I would never, ever ask someone if they were pregnant.
Sarah I just now read your comment on what was said. What complete nonsense and that person was very rude.

tarzy

Veteran

I was 46 when I got married, although I look younger. (Or at least, I did at the time.) There were so many people at work who didn't know my age who asked "So, when are you going to have babies?" I WAS 46! I never knew what to say. Do I really have to explain my entire life to someone? ("Well, I spent my 20s and 30s pursuing a career, and never met the right man until now, and I've always looked younger than I am, and ..."

I feel the same way when someone asks how much I paid for my house. Or how much money I earn. I'm all for "sharing," but can we have a little decorum?

Patience

Veteran

San, I haven't actually met you but I believe Angie when she says you couldn't be thoughtless if you tried. How the person asks really does make a difference. I've been asked the pregnant question several times when I wasn't pregnant. One time it was a mother at my children's daycare. Given the context that she knew I wanted another child, how she asked and the fact that the top I was wearing did reveal my belly, I can honestly say it did not bother me one bit (and all the other times I mentioned did bother me). The funny thing is that she felt SO bad when I told her 'no' that I actually found an effusive apology note from her when I picked up the kids in the afternoon. We are after all human between letting these things get to us and letting the comments themselves slip out.

Ariadne

Veteran

I've never been asked if I'm pregnant, but after 5 years of infertility, I purposely avoid wearing clothes that could be mistaken for early maternity wear (especially empire tops) because I dread the possibility of being asked. So, I can only imagine how much it would hurt to already be feeling vulnerable and then to have the question posed to you. Sarah, I can't believe someone asked you that! You do NOT look pregnant. And Angie, you too? You of the most delicate bird-like frame I've ever seen? Hugs to both of you and everyone else who's been hurt by this question. Now, pregnancy is beautiful and there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking pregnant--it's the invasion of privacy (which is a whole other rant, the way pregnant women seem to be treated like public property--I hate the way people will touch pregnant womens' bellies without asking, too) and lack of tact and regard for feelings that gets to me. Unbelieveable.

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