Thank you for sharing, Michelle. My husband and I are not decided on children at the moment. We've considered everything from none to adopting. There is a chance my husband is a carrier of a fairly rare/new disease and we want to be fairly sure whether or not he has it before we make any decisions. We love kids and for now, I could see us happy with or without. We have our hands very full with furbabies at present, and couldn't possibly add another family member to the mix just yet anyway.

Khris - my story was similar to yours (it must have been overlooked on page 1 of this thread). I went through YEARS of infertility before I was finally pregnant so of course I told everyone on the planet because I was so happy. The "untelling" after I found out that I miscarried was the worst. When I got pregnant again, I didn't tell anyone until I was about 5-6 months along (including my own parents)! And even then, for some reason, I was afraid to tell people so I hardly ever volunteered the information.

Patience, I cannot speak for others but talking about the miscarriage while the wound was still raw was very painful for me. I would have preferred not to be asked at all. I second Chris's recommendation in terms of making some kind of friendly overture without expressly mentioning pregnancy.

After some time, I was more open about the experience because I remember at the time feeling like the only person on the planet to whom something like this had happened. Once I started telling people, I was shocked how many others had experienced miscarriages and/or infertility as well. I hope that I could help others by being open about this experience - at least ease some of the hopelessness and isolation a little.

Whether or not to have children is a personal lifestyle decision and I definitely follow the modified golden rule - don't judge me and I won't judge you!

Patience, I would actually go as far as saying not to bring up the issue at all, not even as a friendly overture (which is, let's face it, just a nice invitation to talk about the pregnancy, if the person wishes). I would prefer to ignore the elephant in the room. I know that after that miscarriage I didn't want to talk about my pregnancy at all, with anybody (actually, I distinctly remember that I didn't want to live, but this is another issue).

But then, as Shana says, once you start talking about the miscarriage, you discover that it happened to so many other women, and this helps to somewhat lessen the pain. At this point I remember being angry with my doctor about not even alerting me to this possibility.

So, the bottom line is that I don't know ... it sure helps to be a person who is willing to be open about things. But as for asking the questions, even in disguise ... it is hard - can turn out either way.

Michelle, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so brave and open.

Angie, Chris, Khris, Shana, and everyone else here who's experienced miscarriages and/or fertility struggles--huge hugs to you!

I've always made a point of being very open about Mike's and my fertility and adoption journey. Everyone knows about it and I'm willing to be very detailed in discussing it. I don't think the weird taboo and veil of secrecy surrounding fertility issues and miscarriage are healthy for women or for society. If you prefer to be private about it, then I think that's totally fine, but there should be no stigma about these things. I think the only reason there is is because of a sublte lingering sense that women's bodies are bad or dirty.

I've never been pregnant but I went through all the basic testing (up to getting a hysterosalpingogram but not any invasive testing that required sedation) and so did Mike, and the doctors don't know why we can't conceive. That's the case with 20% of infertile people, actually. We chose not to do any fertility treatment beyond a couple of months of Clomid and chose newborn adoption instead. We'd always wanted to adopt anyway--we had figured we'd adopt at least 2 slightly older kids and have at least one baby biologically, more to experience the newborn phase and because newborn adoption is so ethically fraught and uncommon than because we had any particular need to have a biological child. We were actually doing the extensive training to adopt from foster care (we were thinking a young sibling group) when we found out we had a 1% chance of getting pregnant. That's when we switched to domestic newborn adoption and that's the route that led us to the Chickadee. We still plan to adopt from foster care in the future, and/or maybe Haiti or Guatemala if those countries open up again.

People always assume we only chose adoption because of our infertility. That's why we chose NEWBORN adoption (which can only be done domestically) this time around, but not why we chose adoption as a way to build our family. The thing that really bugs me is how so many people feel the need to tell us about their friend's cousin's neighbor who adopted "and then got pregnant right away!" As if that's why we adopted the Chickadee--as some kind of twisted way of conceiving a baby who's "really our own"! Never mind that the stats for people conceiving after adopting are actually very low.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm all for openness around these things!

Wow. This thread has exploded.

There is solace in sharing and I’m chuffed that you’ve felt comfortable sharing your challenges and questions with each other. I think it has helped some of you to be heard. A big thank you from me for your personalized hugs and support my YLF children :0)

April, that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I’m taken aback. You also had me laughing about your larger cherub. More of him to love!

Shana and Kris, big hugs for you. Loss is always hard. I can empathize.

Patience, there is no doubt in my mind that you should leave things be. People are happy about your pregnancy and I’m sure that will shine through. No one will think you are uncaring for NOT recognizing someone else’s miscarriage. But if they themselves bring up the subject, you can just be your wonderful empathetic self!

Maya, Michelle, Ele and Sarah, you have to do what’s in your heart. I could have kept on trying to have a baby. But I have lost the desire, and when there is no desire, it’s not worth it. Life can be simple if you want it to be. The hard part is dealing with the judgments of other people – but there are ways to get around that too. Unfortunately, I can be judgmental and I get so angry with myself for being like that. It's a flaw that I try to work on daily.

Bri, I love your openness. I too am VERY open about my inability to have a baby, despite the fact that I am a private person. I don’t like to dilly dally about, and prefer to cut to the chase, so like I said at the start of this thread, I virtually volunteer the information to prevent people’s minds from wandering unnecessarily.

This thread HAS exploded. I felt completely comfortable stating my preferences here. I know you ladies are not a judgmental bunch and I also know how supportive, openminded, and warm everyone is.

I do not really talk about my child-having preferences with people--not out of shame or fear or judgment or anything like that--just because I don't think it's anyone else's business. But all my friends are aware of my thoughts, and I consider the YLF community to be friends. Kristen and Michelle, I'm glad to see both of you leading your lives happily and with fulfillment. Same with you Angie, even if this may not have initially been a choice for you.

My aunt never married or had kids, and she lives in India, so this is quite a curious phenomenon and she has taken more than her share of flack for it. But, on the flip side, she has traveled all over the world and she gets the benefit of spoiling her nieces and nephews without having to deal with all the disciplining :). Kristen, I know you know this, but you shouldn't feel guilty. Even if you had kids and didn't "waste" your fertility, it won't change the fate of those women who have fertility issues. I'm sure no woman would want you to have kids against your will just because they can't!

As for me, well, as far back as I can remember, I never had ANY maternal instinct at all. Even as a kid, when all the other girls would play with baby dolls and play the role of mommy, I preferred to play with my little ponies, stuffed animals, and Popples (the 80's was a GREAT time to be a kid and had some of the best toys and cartoons ever!). If I played with dolls, I related to them as a sister rather than mother...and they were always older sisters, not younger! I really wanted an older sister back then. Anyway, it's amazing for me to think about how my toy preferences as a kid carried into my adulthood. I guess it's not true that I have no maternal instinct--I absolutely consider myself Lucie's mommy

Laura, I agree about the "who will take care of you when you're old" thing. Same with the family name and legacy and what have you. While I try not to be judgmental (and fail with stunning regularity), there are definitely a lot of BAD reasons to have children, and those are two of them.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive words! I had no doubt I wouldn't regret coming out of my childfree closet

Wow - such a deep and refreshingly honest thread! It is a pleasure to get to know everyone you in such an honest and supportive environment.

My husband and I haven't decided about children either - we both want kids in some ways, but we are also very comfortable with "just us." My husband is 9 years older than me and in some ways I feel he wants kids sooner than I might so he can "keep up" with them. My MIL was also mentioning kids in what she thought was a light-hearted way, but it got to a point where I finally told her she was allowed to make one grandchild reference per visit. That seemed to make my point heard.

A few of the students (female Resident Assistants) I work with at the university really want big families when they get married - they are ALWAYS making pregnant jokes towards me (oh, you feel sick? you must be pregnant!) or asking when I'll have kids - at first I felt a bit defensive, but as the relationships grew I knew they weren't meaning harm. However, when some of the women in their communities started having pregnancy scares the joking stopped - it was too scary a thing to make light of anymore. Now the jests are only made in private - it's nice for me to have seen how they've learned how comments can affect someone.

Maya. I was the same way as a child - and I completely forgot about Popples until you mentioned it! I had one too and loved it; I wonder if my mother still has it?

I haven't had time to read all the posts, but basically - amen! I'm almost 5 months pregnant with my second, and I am still amazed at how pregnancy is viewed by many people to be public property. The comments, questions, advice, and physical contact are utterly inappropriate and I find them infuriating. Since when do you ask people those kinds of questions?

Same deal for asking someone if they are pregnant. WHY? If they are, it's none of your business. If they are not, you're likely going to insult or hurt them. It's awful.

Personally, I think our cultural affinity for learning every scrap of news about celebrities' personal lives has generated an overall lack of knowledge about what is personal information and what is not.