Anyone going through a mid-life crisis of sorts? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Anyone going through a mid-life crisis of sorts?

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Hi all. Sorry to bombard you with personal stuff but I feel like this is the place to vent. I suppose I'm going through an existential mid-life crisis especially with an upcoming milestone birthday, and to mention an aging, depressed parent who depends on me, unfulfilled career, stressful eating, and my self confidence at an all time low. Oh and to top it off, I'm in a fashion rut!!! God forbid.

It's not all negative though:I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband who supports me, we are both healthy, and family that loves me, but I can't seem to get a way from this negativity.

I guess the question of my life right now is: How do I change this? Am I the only one who feels this way? I'm feeling a bit alone in this.

Thanks for listening.

Off Topic

40 replies

Latest reply was from Style Fan

Anonymous

You are not alone. There comes a time where we all see our own mortality and wonder where the time went and what we did with it. A dependent parent can make one feel trapped and wondering “ is this what I will be like when I get older”. It might be a good time to take a class, plan a major trip, Kondo your stuff. Move to a new area.
I am sure others will chime in. Hugs.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

You are absolutely not alone. I've been through all of those phases, right down to the ailing parent. That single factor alone was enough to challenge my mental health. It's very stressful.

One suggestion: As much as you can, make time for yourself, for things you really enjoy and treasure. Set boundaries and minimize the things that suck your energy and time, as much as you realistically can.

If you ever want to get together, please PM me! It's been too long! Would be fun to meet up for a meal and maybe a little retail therapy.

catherine

Veteran

Yup, on the regular. Turning 64 and realizing that more time has passed than is ahead.
Sounds like you’re getting hit with several things at once.
The distractions that are suggested above are great, and I also think that sometimes it’s very necessary to feel what we feel without trying to escape it. I suppose some people might think of that as wallowing in self-pity. I think it makes us human.
Sending good thoughts.

Anonymous

All the above are wise suggestions, but also check in with your doctor to see if you need to be screened for depression or other health conditions that might be causing you to not feel well. Always take care of yourself first, especially if you're caring for others. And please keep us posted on how you're doing!

Runcarla

Veteran

You are not alone! I'm sandwiched between adult children still at home and (separated) parents and their partners aging/failing health. I've also come up against my own physical limitations. Looking in the mirror and wondering: who IS that old lady? 18 months ago I retired from the workforce, so fixed income. AND, I will turn 60 in 2020.

The end of 2017 was very stressful for me. I had just competed in an international sporting event, got my mother out of a big financial pickle (not filing taxes X 3 years!) and work was very, very hard - cut backs/do more with less, etc. I was being investigated for cancer, then lupus. My cat died and I got facial shingles the same week - right before Christmas. I made it through to my retirement date in spring 2018, but was wrung dry.

DH and I decided to keep a low profile for a year post retirement. We worked on our health and adjusting our fitness activities to our age and abilities, enjoying a year exploring our community (still 'new' to us 4 years after our move) and we both decided to make our appearances a project! DH always wanted to grow a beard and he lost 20lbs 'doing nothing' - but not being stressed from work. I purged my closet and spent time doing the style work to sort out how I wanted to look going into my senior years. 2018 was a year of turmoil, but ended on a good note when my health issues got sorted.

2019 has been GREAT, but there are still some things I can't CONTROL - namely people! Something Suz wrote in a thread on aging parents stuck with me and has helped me make peace with what I can't MANAGE. She wrote about letting folks go their own way ('fighting' with them wasn't going to change anything) and be there to pick up the pieces when things go awry. This I can do.

I HAVE been able to manage my closet, appearance, and also the family finances. That has made me quite happy and provided enough control over my life that I'm able to THINK and PLAN for the future, despite what I can't control. DH and I now have big fun planned for 2020,

Now, to land the plane....

Spend your valuable free time doing the things that bring satisfaction and calm to your life. Since you are a fashionista, maybe some work on your closet, wardrobe, and look. Probably not hard problems to solve, but something that is a project that involves (creative) problem solving. Another valuable project might be around long term financial/retirement planning. DH and I started 'thinking' about what retirement would look like when we were in our late 40's. Having a PLAN brought us a lot of peace. These are things over which you can exercise some control. Maybe they might work for you?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Naz, I think we all go through degrees of this. It's not uncommon, so a supportive hug and much love first of all.

I relate to what Janet said.

Personally, I've tackled these types of feelings in a few ways.

1. I can't dwell on the things I don't or can't have because I will never be happy and find peace in my heart.

2. I am often the cause of my own stress, which is something that I control and can therefore change. I want to stop worrying about things that are not important, because they take up precious time and energy that I could be investing elsewhere.

I took this to heart and I’m trying very hard to focus my energy where it can make the most difference. This requires little conversations with myself during the day. It has been an effort, but I have been disciplined about it and I’m beginning to reap the reward. I do feel more calm, despite 2019 being a very stressful year for a variety of reasons.

Every time I feel stressed, I stop and ask myself the question: how important is this relative to the other things happening in my life? Many times, the answer is that it really isn’t that important. It’s extraordinary how well this simple little strategy has worked! If it is something important, I tackle things one step at a time. Taking the step back allows me to subdue the emotions and focus on the positive, not allowing myself to spiral into negativity. If there is someone else involved, I discuss it with them when I have something constructive to add.

I’ve also done some soul searching to pinpoint exactly what it is that causes stress and creates happiness. Of course, I can’t eliminate all the things that cause stress and simply do happy things because unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. But I am better at eliminating unnecessary stresses, getting my head right about them, and making a point of doing stress-relieving activities and happy things EACH DAY.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Joy - Thank you for your response. We all feel alone sometimes and it's good to know we can surround ourselves with non-family support. Moving out of the area is not possible right now as my mother is near by and while she can still get around, I feel she relies on me even more. Ever since my father died 8 years ago, she's gotten more religious, and believes every ailments is a major disease, and still treats me like a little girl. My other siblings are not available so it's on all my shoulders. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Janet - Oh yes. It has been way too long and would love to meet up. I try to do things I enjoy but somehow it's been sidelined. My work weeks are work, nights with hubby, every one weekend day with mom. On a good note, we are going to NYC for a long weekend on early Oct. Then going to Iceland in November for 11 days. Am so looking forward to getting away from here.

Catherine - thank you.

Xtabay - There are some good days too. Just this week was a bit of a downer.

Runcarla - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and hope for a better future for me. We also talked to a financial advisor about retirement plans so that's a good note but wish I could retire sooner than later. If i can last 7 more years at work, then I'll have a decent retirement. Unfortunately, hubby has been out of a job for a few years and has had a very hard time find a job but we're making do.

As for me being a fashionista (I don't think I am), I have my ups and downs with that too.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

@Angie - You words mean so much to me. Sometimes it's very hard to distinguish between stress I can control (negative thinking) and external forces such parental guilt (yes mom still makes me feel guilty about things).

You are right about causing my own stress. I tend to overanalyze, over obsess, so I do need to step back and figure out a different way of thinking which you've showed me. It's will be hard, but I'll make the effort, and if it it doesn't help, maybe seeing a professional can help.

Thank you.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Yes, definitely there.
Will try to write more later

Dottie

I agree we all go through this at some time or another. One thing I've begun doing is listening to Oprah Super Soul Conversation podcasts on my iphone when I drive to and from work every day. The are about 30 minutes a piece and they help me look at things from a different perspective. It is almost like therapy twice a day. There are so many podcasts to subscribe to, you may find something that speaks to you at this time in your life. Sending you good energy!

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

annagybe - I'll be here.

Dottie - Thanks. I should listen to more podcasts but don't really have time when going to work since I ride my bike and don't drive except on weekends. I'll look into though and thank you for your advice.

Helena

Veteran

Citygirl ... 100% relate ... More later but sending a huge hug. You are definitely not alone!

Anonymous

I have found that every time I open up to someone about how and what I’m feeling as I get older ( I’m 58) , it’s met with total understanding and commiseration . Aging has become the great equalizer , wherein how much $ you have , where you live and what you do doesn’t matter in the least when it comes to dealing with your health , your aging parents , and the reality of getting older . We are all the same . I haven’t necessarily handled it all well and had several very difficult years with my mom before she died a few years ago . I almost lost my job while trying to manage her needs , almost lost my marriage , didn’t pay enough attention to how many calories I was consuming , and self medicated my stress with wine until I ended up weighing a good 25 heavier than I would like . Some women can manage getting through this part of life without visible signs of stress , but lots of us don’t . I didn’t really subscribe to the notion of taking time for myself - because there simply was none - and if I *did* something unrelated to my job or my mother I just felt guilty and indulgent anyways . There is no happy ending to my story - it just is what it is .

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

@torontogirl - I don't feel alone anymore. I'm glad we can all relate and would like to hear your story too.

@lisa p - wow. I think we are in the same boat. It's the mindless stress eating, weight gain, and other issues that come into play too. As if I'm not already stressed, I have to add all this to my list of stresses. I know what I'm doing, but I need to get out of this mind funk before I totally lose control and not care.

I didn't think turning the big 5-0 would hit me so hard and I still have 4 months to go. Hah!

Helena

Veteran

Just chiming back in here ... you've got some much great advice, I'm not sure what I can add, except to say give yourself lots of space and grace to feel sh*tty ... as a fellow overthinker/analyzer, I know sometimes I can compound the stress and problems by spinning my mind around how to fix it, and myself, and the situation, and then I read the news and worry about that and .... it's exhausting. Give yourself permission to have a crap day, month, year ... in the end, it's all part of the patina of life, and it's ok.

As to your situation with your mom, the only thing I can add is to say, when my Mom was sick, I felt added stress because I felt guilty about any negative feelings I would have. After all, she was sick and I knew she would not be here forever, how could I be angry/annoyed/whatever with her ... it helped so much again to make some space that the crap stuff is as much a part of life as the good stuff. Obviously we want to focus on the good and reduce the bad as much as we can, but we in North America especially as steeped in such a culture of "positive thinking" etc. that we actually make everything harder because the natural dips in life start to feel like failures and that just doesn't help at all!

Finally, I know for myself the last couple of years have seen me doing a lot of "woulda coulda shoulda" re: my career (more specifically for me, the fact that I gave up what was shaping up to be a successful career to be June Cleaver :D) ... again following my Mom's passing, something clicked in my head to say, the time for second-guessing is done, this is the path I'm on, what do I need to do to make sure the choices I've made (and the paths not taken) works out for the best I can make it. I actually made a picture for our living room wall with the word "maximize" on it, to remind me to shift my thinking to (as Angie would say) milking the life we have, vs. pondering what life we could/should have had.

Anyways, I don't know if any of that applies to your situation at all, but if nothing else, know you've got another person who is supporting you; you are definitely NOT alone. And fwiw, your style ROCKS. xoxo

cindysmith

Veteran

When I first got clean (sober) in 2005, I found a very calm and upbeat person hiding under all that melodrama and rage I had lived with most of my life. Fast forward about 6 years and I'm starting to be depressed and angry again. After a few years of that + major anxiety (and DH sending me to a mental health professional), I got on an antidepressant. my mom FINALLY convinced me that I needed to talk to my primary or an OB/GYN about perimenopause because what I had been going through exactly mirrored what she went through.

Mom was right, as always LOL. My mom was able to take HRT, but I am not a good candidate for it (ex-smoker, high blood pressure). My primary and I decided that continuing the antidepressants was the best course of action, since they have less risks and were working reasonably well. She and I played with dosage, and we have finally truly gotten me on an even level. I feel that serenity and upbeat person pushing through the chaos of the last few years.

All that to say this: yes, I have been having a midlife crisis. I even almost bought a black Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder convertible (how stereotypically midlife crisis, right?), under the pretense of wanting a more fuel efficient vehicle. Reason won out with the car, but I have definitely added ridiculously high heels back into my fashion rotation.

Whatever is fueling your midlife crisis, I'm sending you (((hugs))). I have found that this forum has been a very safe place to be open about whatever's going on with me, and I credit this fashion forum with helping me stay clean (sober). I'm glad you felt safe enough to open up to us, and I hope you feel life you are not alone.

karen13

Veteran

Hugs and supportive thoughts to you! Such wisdom here, I can't add much, but can confirm. It is so hard for many of us to prioritize ourselves when other make demands of us. Please take care of yourself!!

My husband gave me the best advice when I was struggling with my dad's aging "Don't try to making things perfect, just make a few things better. And pick 3 things, not all things, to work on." I was trying to "fix" everything for him. When I stopped fight my dad on every little thing he wasn't "doing right" (and even a few big things) it helped. And really, schedule some treats for yourself!! You deserve it and it will help those around if you stay healthy.

Style Fan

Veteran

I am glad that you brought this up. Opening up is so powerful. I hope you feel less alone with the support of YLF. The forum is such a fabulous place.

Yes. I am going through a life crisis. My husband and I moved when we retired (I retired 8 years ago from a job I loved) to Muskoka. He was very attached to this area. I am not dealing well with retirement or the move. I miss my job, friends in my old community and the urban lifestyle. And to top it off my dog died last year. It was a particularly painful situation because she was injured and we eventually realized we needed to say good-bye to her. We are still grieving for her. There are also some issues going on in my husband's family that are very complicated. What Suz said and Carla referred to is how I am handling this situation. I could write a book about that one. (Enmeshed family on ex-wife's side - think Grey Gardens). As I write this I am amazed we are still managing to keep it together.

Yoga has been helpful to me. We also travel for 3 or 4 months a year. I am working on some future goals for myself. I might take Yoga Teacher Training, learn to play the piano or try to work a bit in this community. The later is hard because the community is rural and there are not as many opportunities. I made my wardrobe my retirement project which has been a creative and interesting experience.

kellygirl

Veteran

Oh yeah, I can relate as well. I think the stress of being a caretaker takes an incredible toll whether it's children, a spouse or parent--it's easy to get overwhelmed and not take time out for ourselves. Milestone birthdays can be difficult too especially when we are dissatisfied. I've felt all of the above at one time or another and wholeheartedly agree with Karen's wise words about striving to make a few things better and not to aim for perfection. I don't know if I actually thought about it in those terms but that was my approach. Try to improve a few things that I had control over--that's my approach at home and at work these days. Sending you hugs. You're not alone.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think I have recommended this book a couple of times here before:

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-...../ref=nodl_

I had a very stressful time with my mom as she got older and more dependent on me. I felt pulled in two directions as I was also feeling pressure from my (then-new) husband to be there all the time for him too. This book helped me learn to set boundaries, and decide that was going to appreciate the time with my mom. I had to shift my mindset from feeling obligated to deciding this was something I was going to do willingly and with love. And yes, that meant I had to have those boundaries in place too. The book obviously gets into much more detail and addresses a variety of situations, some of which may be more relevant than others, but I found it practical and supportive.

Classically Casual

Veteran

Incorporate anything and everything that will make your day easier with your parent. I gave myself a reward of a latte, during long doctor appointments/ drives to and from. By the time we got to hospice care I was sniffing palo santo in the car to shift my energy before going indoors.
Just do whatever works for you....you’ll get through it.

Anonymous

Hugs! Yes to all that-except the milestone birthday.
There's a few things that help me, that could help you too.
1. Mindfulness. It doesn't have to be a formal practice, just stopping where you are to be aware of the sights, sounds, smells here and now. When I stop I may see an animal that I hadn't noticed. In the city, it could be amazing architecture. This goes along with...
2. Gratitude. For the gifts of health, good food to eat, payday, the people that maintain the roads, a stable home, etc. It's most important when things seem hardest.
3. Honoring-owning your decisions. Even the choices that you don't feel good about now, you take power back by honoring that you made those choices with what you knew and felt then. And owning the choices going forward. It may be skipping the gym today to go shopping instead. I chose this today, maybe tomorrow I make a different choice.
I'm here for you if you want to PM me.

Sal

Veteran

We must be a similar age (I am 50 next June).

I am sorry you are having a tough time..and can related to some of what you are going through. There is grief for things that have happened, or haven't happened. I can't write much now - I hope to come back - but a couple of things that help me are

1) All my friends of a similar age are also going through this too - at late 40s, early 50s most of us are not living the dream...we have good things in our lives - and tough things. Most of us have had some sort of extended family crisis, our own health or family crisis, many have had money or job worries.... So I am finding people are kinder, more understanding and there is less bravado and trying to pretend we have it sorted.

2) What Karen said - taking baby steps is sometimes all that is possible.

3) For me, I don't like to put pressure on myself around NOT eating sugar, or NOT drinking wine, or running 10km in 50 min etc. I do eat healthily 80% of the time, and I have more nights without a glass of wine than I do with one, I am running 10km.....but I am not adding extra pressure to be fast or do any time.

I do think that the general state of politics is really depressing right now. Being in DC I think this must be overwhelming....

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I can only echo what others have already said -- you are *not* alone, and it *is* hard.

I think mid-life is actually so much tougher than most of us were led to imagine or believe. There is this myth that we stop growing or developing once we hit adulthood, and stop going through "phases." But guess what? The world goes on, things happen, our loved ones struggle or get ill, and/or also struggle emotionally or get ill. We lose (or gain) jobs, we feel disappointed (or overly invested) in our careers. We move, divorce, remarry, question our choices. Our friends and loved ones die, our kids and animal companions need added care or supervision rather than less, and on and on and on it goes. And somehow we have to adapt and adjust and go on acting like grownups (eeek!!!), and sometimes it's just plain hard!

Being sandwiched between a needy parent and child (and/or high pressure job) can be especially taxing. Dealing with long-distance care of loved ones is another huge stress for many of us.

I have no real advice, apart from what I (apparently!) said long ago. I try to take this approach also with my (supposedly) young adult child, also, but of course some days it doesn't work and it can be really frustrating to get pulled into drama of someone else's making.

As for the interior stuff -- I like what Angie said about focusing on how important the stressor is relative to other factors in our lives (and really asking ourselves how much control we have over it anyway).

For myself, regular exercise and time outdoors, treatment for depression (when it is an issue), and at least a few minutes each day on purely fun and frivolous activities can really help.

I wish you strength, and peace.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Hi all. Hope your weekend was a pleasant and thank you all for support. Sorry for not responding to those I haven't responded, but I was at my mom's ;). New week, new mentality. Let's see how I feel by the end of the week.

@torontogirl - Luckilyl my mom isn't sick. She stopped smoking 3 months ago so that's something wonderful. Not that she was a heavy smoker, but she knew the time was right. Maybe the withdrawal makes her moody so she takes it out on me. She's become very impatient when we do things. As for style, NO YOU ROCK!

@cindysmith - Sounds like you have a wonderful mother. I love mine too but unfortunately she's not always right especially in terms of health care and that her faith will take care of her. NO taking anti-depressants because the pharmaceutical companies and doctors push their meds to make money. She believes family comes first, and anyone outside of that is secondary. Anyway, I t

As for going out shopping due to mid-life crisis, my mom's constantly telling me "do you really need that?" mentality, makes shopping less fun. The sad thing is she used to love shopping.

@karen13- I try to do things for myself but somehow the bad overshadows the good. I will definitely make more of an effort to not the little things bother me anymore.

@Style Fan - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and of course I'm there for you too. It goes to show you we are not alone in our situations. It's sad that we don't talk about it more and have to hide things for fear of shame, etc. Anyway, I still like clothes and fashion and my red lipstick so that's something. The day I stop wearing lipstick, it will be a bad sign. LOL!!

@kellygirl - Perfection....that's my downfall. I think you nailed it. I grew up being compared to perfect people all the time, still to this day. So if and when I make a mistake, it makes me feel awful and ruins my day. Like you said, I can only change things I can control. That should be my mantra.

@Janet - Thanks for your recommendation on that book. Your situation sounded a lot like mine so this book will definitely come in handy.

@Classically casual - I will take your suggestions. Thanks.

@suntiger - Your 3d suggestion might be hard one for me, owning up to my decisions and not feeling guilty about it.

@Sal - Oh DC politics... crazy times here. Work is good enough with daily dealing of the ambitious 20-somethings which make me feel old at times. Sometimes they don't know their boundaries which irk me but they are willing to learn. I do like to work out although I've been pretty lazy this hot summer. On a good note, I had a workout with NOVEMBER PROJECT social group this morning and felt good to get out there again.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

@Suz - I'm trying to figure out what fun means anymore? It's gotten a bit boring for me. Friends are busy with their lives and families and while we do get out, its less and far between. My friends aren't really into fashion or clothes. I have a regular work week, come home, make dinner, see hubby, read or watch something, and go to bed. Then the weekend comes along to run errands, possibly go out for a run or bike ride with hubby, see mom another day. I feel like time is too short to do anything else. Thank you for your wise words and will consider everything you say. Hugs to you.

Runcarla

Veteran

@citygirldc - re: faith...my mother believes, and repeats, ‘God doesn’t intend for me to be poor’. I wish I had faith like that!

Jane

Veteran

I am sending you a big hug and wishing you well. I think that asking for help is really powerful because I think we all want to help each other in a kind of human to human way. I so often forget how to do this but I am slowly learning to think ‘how can I get help with this’. Xxx

Anonymous

I am very sorry for the typos in my first reply. I meant to say that you are certainly not alone. It is so hard to understand the elderly. My mother used to love reading magazines so I would bring her several. She told me to stop. That they were just repeating old stuff that she had read before, now I finally get it as I see the same thing. I tried to get my father out of the nursing home on little excursions, but he felt safe there.
Your mother wants to know that her life has made a difference. Thank her for any of the interests and influences she has passed to you and others. Remember that honoring your mother means that you are have her in a safe place. You, as an adult, are not required to obey her every whelm. I still feel sad that my mother was planning to live with us. I had two children at home to care for and a busy life. I was not medically trained or physically strong enough to care for a woman in the late stages of MS, nor could we take living with my father who was hard of hearing and refused hearing aides, who kept the tv blaring, constantly changing the stations. I could not do it. You are not alone. Set limits even though it is very hard. Your own family must come first. I am wishing you the best of outcomes.

12