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Advice for Mom Living Alone

kerry

Veteran

Hi all! Merry Christmas!

A week ago my stepdad died. It wasn’t completely unexpected. He was 83 and was able to die at home the way he wanted.

My question for you all is about my mom. She is much younger at 72. She has two doggies at home with her. I’m about an hour away. My concern is about her living alone and how to help her make the adjustment. She’s never lived alone before. But she is fiercely independent.

Any suggestions you may have would be welcome. Any stories about your own or parents’ experiences living alone would be helpful. For any of you who have parents living alone, any advice for me would be welcome as well.

I just read a statistic that just over 1/4 of households in Canada and the US are single-person households.

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41 replies

Latest reply was from

rachylou

Veteran

The doggies are honestly a big help. They get you out and about. My mum would just come over and sit with Lilypup and use my internet. But my mum is very active and social and makes full use of the senior citizen center... is your mom? I encourage senior yoga, strength and flexibility classes - and starting early.

Also, my mom and her friends check in with each other daily. Your mom is on the young side... but it’s good to have a young one in the group...

Also, the first few months are really hard. My uncles were really super, they came and stayed with my mom for months... doing things like sorting my dad’s stuff and prepping the house for winter... help like that is really really good...

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

My condolences, and sending your Mum and you strength.

My Dad has been living alone for almost 19 years. He was 68 when my Mum died - and she was 59. He's 86 and still lives alone.

He is EXTREMELY INDEPENDENT, and was traveling the world - getting on planes no problem - until age 83. Then things suddenly slowed down a lot.......

Both his kids live very far away, and that's not ideal. We live in the US. Brother lives in the Middle East and London. Dad lives in the Netherlands. It's a unique situation, but we have made it work (with the help of time, energy, patience and resources).

It was a devastating shock when my Mum died. She was unexpectedly diagnosed and gone in 12 weeks. Our hearts were broken, and my Dad never got over the loss of my Mum. He's made the best of it though. He needed a year to process and be alone. He needed to move away from Cape Town and start a new life elsewhere. Live smaller and in a lock-up-and-go situation. So he moved back to his home town where he grew up and spent the first 27 years of his life. It was an excellent decision. He has been very happy back in Velp, NL.

My Dad is a loner, introvert, home body, gentle person and academic. My Mama was the social and fiery one. His life changed dramatically when he was alone, but he lived for his children and their lives. He eventually found peace in his heart, and is a happy person. My brother and I despite the distances, have included my Dad in everything over the years. Invited him on holidays, stayed with us many times a year, celebrated important days together - you name it, and we made sure my Dad was with us.

My Dad made the adjustment both fast and slowly. He's a survivor with a lot of grit so that part was fast. But he lost his sole mate and his heart is broken forever. That part was slow and will never change.

I have spoken to me Dad EVERY DAY since my Mama passed away almost 19 years ago. At 8.30am Seattle time, unless he is with my brother. To some extent, it's been his life line.

Kerry, I've written a novel, and not even scratched the surface of this topic. I'm happy to answer any questions though, so feel free to ask away.

kerry

Veteran

Rachy, yes, I think the doggies will help. My mom is also a doer and a planner so I think she’ll get herself out there. She had already started doing so without my stepdad as he became more of a homebody in the last year or two and especially the last few months. My mom goes to church on Sunday - more for the social, I think. She has friends and family - an aunt in town and a brother about 30 mins away. She’s also planning to join the seniors centre. She wants to play pool.

But ... my mom and my stepdad lived together for 42 years. It’s a hole that will be impossible to fill. I’m just not too sure what to do about that.

kerry

Veteran

Angie, thanks for your reply. It really helps. You talk to your dad everyday? I’m thinking about getting an iPad for my mom so she can FaceTime with my daughter. I’ve been calling everyday but that was not the norm before. My mom is not really a phone person.

I’m also worried she won’t ask for help when she needs it and I’ll miss the signs. How do you keep on top of that? You mention your dad is independent. Is he stubborn? Does he ask for help when he needs it?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Kerry, hugs to you and to your mother. What a hard time of the year to lose a loved one.

My mother was on her own for five years after my dad died. They'd been married for 60 years!! She was much older than your mother -- 85 at the time -- and legally blind and rather frail, so although in temperament she was fiercely independent, in reality she required more help than she would have liked.

Luckily, my brother lived in the same town and does not have children or too many other obligations beyond work. So he spent an awful lot of time with her for the five years before she died. And I visited every three or four weeks for several days at a time. Most of her friends had moved or died by that point, but she also had a sister in town.

I agree with Rachy that the dogs will be a lifeline. Also, unless your mother isn't well, 72 is quite young these days. (Said by one who is now closer to that age than to 42!) Everyone ages differently of course. And grief can age a person before her time. Having said that, any way you can find to keep in touch that will work for your mother will be great. An ipad could be a great idea. I have family in that age bracket who use their ipads more than I use my phone!

rachylou

Veteran

I don’t think it’s a hole that can be filled. I think what you have to do is find your orientation. I got up off my duff and finally got the dog I said I always wanted when dd left home, because truth be told I had a hard time orienting myself. Lilypup gives me things I really have to do.

I feel also church is very helpful and that it’s good your mom has that. The rituals and community are important. When your brain is offering you nothing, when you’re a bit numb, well, it gives your brain something to do beside eat you alive. You know what to do when you haven’t a single thought about what to do.

I’ll say this also... I think it’s easier to do for others than one’s self. This is sneaky of me, but after things settle a bit... well, I ask my mom her opinion and to do little things... I mean with the dog, I asked her to come visit a couple times a week while I was at work... and she you know came every day until she didn’t need it...

rachylou

Veteran

Eh... start with the house stuff. I clean the gutters and change the furnace filters for my mum. Check the smoke alarms. Made sure my mum had a toilet plunger for goodness sakes! That sort of thing. That’s stuff my dad always did and mum will never do...

Anonymous

Rachylou is right. What your mom may really need help with is the stuff your dad did. It may be finances, gutter cleaning, plumbing problems or changing light bulbs. Help her to keep the house up or move, if necessary. She may want help with filing income tax or just all the paperwork involved in collecting insurance, etc. you could help yourself or hire it done or direct her to people you know are trustworthy. She has an overwhelming burden just dealing with all the things a death involves.
She could travel, volunteer, join service or church organizations where she will meet more women in her position.
Be sure that she is eating well and getting enough sleep and exercise. An iPad and Facebook can help her to feel less isolated. Make sure she is paying the bills.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ooh, those are very smart points from Rachy and Joy. Exactly right -- figure out what your stepdad did and help her with those things -- they may slip her mind otherwise.

Gigi

Veteran

I haven't read the other responses yet. I think that there are organizations through churches and other such nonprofits that have volunteers who visit the elderly. They also help them with grocery shopping and the like. Maybe one of these organizations would be helpful to provide your mom with some companionship. It can get really lonely living by yourself.

She may also be interested in community education classes if she is inclined to that sort of thing. It keeps the mind active through learning, and you're getting decent socialization at the same time. Or maybe she would like to volunteer somewhere. Again, it gets you out so that depression has a harder time setting in.

If your mom has friends in the area, it might be a good idea to set up some kind of rotating schedule so that a friend visits her every week or something.

Anonymous

Im so sorry to hear that! It will take time for sure, as im sure more than anything he was her best friend.
My parents are divorced and living alone, but my dad had a relationship with a lady afterwards that passed away. When that happened he went into a phase of hyper socializing, joined a singles group, and had some pretty shallow relationships in the hopes of finding another real partner. Didnt work-hes now living in a retirement community in fl.
Both my parents have a lot of friends, but its not the same as having someone there for you all the time

Classically Casual

Veteran

Lots of good suggestions already. Here’s one more thought....does your mom have close girl friends? Your mom is my age. I know of women who have formed tight social groups over the loss of spouses. They do lots of activities together and do what needs to be done to support each other. Some things get shared with close friends that doesn’t get shared with family. Ideally your mom will have both.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh I’m so sorry. Rachy is right, nothing can fill that hole. All we can do is listen and be there and help in ways that are useful to that particular individual — everyone is a little bit different.

My mom was 63 when she lost my dad. She lived to be 80, so that was 17 years of living on her own for the first time in her life. The good thing is that she was incredibly organized with their affairs and finances, so it was seamless to keep operating the house and budget as she had been doing.

The not as positive thing is that mom struggled her entire life with depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and panic attacks. She was deeply introverted and didn’t make new friends easily. Her two closest friends and her husband all died before she turned 65. She had no close family.

As a result she leaned very heavily on me. My sister lived 800 miles away, and mom didn’t travel, so I took care of helping mom with everything she needed around the house, etc. It wasn’t always easy — I would get 2am phone calls during panic attacks — but I tried my best, and she appreciated everything I did. I had to make sure I found balance in my life too, especially after I got married and felt pulled in two directions by two sets of emotional and physical demands.

I guess I’m telling you all this in order to let you know it can take a toll on everyone involved, sometimes in unexpected ways. But I f you can define boundaries for yourself and act with love and generosity for both you and your parent, it can be rewarding.

I encourage you to be gentle with both you and her, and to take your time deciding on any changes in living situation, etc, if that’s what she needs. My mom was determined to live on her own for the rest of her life, and she did just that (in a four bedroom house with a yard and all!). I nudged her to downsize, and we looked at some small condos from time to time, but it just happened that she never made the move.

I’m sending you both good wishes and hugs. Let me know if I can help.

Runcarla

Veteran

Lots of good advice here - for you, and your mother. I would second joining the Seniors Center (for 55 and up $15 for a year at my local place. ) Tons of activities and groups. Also, just perusing the bulletin board is enlightening. One - off day trips to the Big City for special events or just shopping. Techno-buddies youth volunteers to teach you how to maximize your iPad, cel phone, etc as well as trouble shoot. Monthly drop in psychologist/counsellor. Folks looking to share housing/set up co-housing. It's a happening place!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

You've received a lot of good advice already. I don't have experience with this, but have thought about it a lot, as my parents are around 80 and have very different needs.

One thing my mom has done that yours might want to do is meet with a financial advisor who specializes in helping older women get their affairs in order. Many have not managed the family's finances and, like my mom, had a lot to learn.

My grandmother lived alone for 30 years, until she was nearly 90, after my grandpa died. I graduated college and started living on my own during her last years. Her advice was to always make myself a proper meal and set the table. I find that attitude of self-respect and -care applies in many other areas of life. I got a Christmas tree every year, wore nice undies, and usually had a little garden during the 2 decades it was just me.

Married women often say that they are "single moms" if their husbands are away for a few days or weeks. Drives me crazy, as one who is actually single. They catch up the laundry when hubby returns, leave the broken screen door for him to fix, and generally live in a way that is connected to having a partner. Your mom might start falling into that pattern too, particularly if your dad traveled occasionally. It is a different mindset. You might need to gently guide your mom from "weekday 'single'" to actually on her own. If you aren't going to hang the shelf yourself, there's no sense waiting for someone else, because no one is coming unless you arrange it.

Angie, that's a lovely post!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

My mother in law was a similar age when my father-in-law died. My sister-in-law looked for a larger home with a separate space for her mother, but she, who had never spent a night alone, stayed in her home. At first someone spent the night with her (child, grandchild) but eventually she was ready to be on her own.

DS's aunt was a similar age when her husband died. She ended up managing fine, but she called her daughter to come take the trash out. It was just to the end of the hall in her building. Her daughter said, mom, I'm not coming over to do that. You can do it.

Setting up a regular time to see her at her home, so you can see if she is too depressed to be keeping things up, etc. would be a good idea. And doing something regularly outside of her house also.

What I see from friends is that there is a loneliness, but also something nice about putting yourself first. And one's financial situation makes a significant difference.

I worry but can't imagine going through this. But it has been with me as my husband could have died when he was 48 and needed bypass surgery. Just this week I've been realizing how much he does, the little things, like, he's walking into the kitchen, would you bring me back my water glass.

Everyone responds differently. Some find a new partner and some swear to never go through that pain again.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

And doing something regularly outside of her house also.

Good point--until her late 80s, my grandma regularly played piano for the people in the old folks' home.

kerry

Veteran

Oh such wise words! Thank you so much.

I think calling daily will become the new norm. I don’t think my mom’s depressed but I’ll keep a look out as I know everyone grieves differently and on a different timeline. I think the hoopla of the holiday season has kept some things at bay that might creep in after the holidays.

Unfortunately I can’t go stay with her for an extended period of time as I work full time. She’s here now staying over for Christmas. Maybe I’ll ask if she wants to do that some weekends just because ...

It’s reassuring to hear stories of other family members that have lived alone after losing their SO.

Janet, your experience with your mom sounds both heartwarming and overwhelming. You make an important point about how everyone needs something different and it’s important to pay attention to that. I will try. I will try too to be gentle with her and me. My mom and I have always been close - I’m an only child. But since I had my daughter I have felt a drift.

Classically Casual, my mom does have friends I’m just not sure how much she shares with them. She’s quite private but I sense a opening in her as she’s aged. I should just ask her about it.

kerry

Veteran

Barbara Diane, you make an excellent point about appreciating what we have when we have it and not take it for granted. I will try to be more mindful in my gratitude going forward.

Fashintern, I’m so thankful that my mom is on top of her finances - it’s one worry I don’t have. And I agree with you that Angie’s post is lovely!

Runcarla, from reading your post I looked up online what was on offer at my mom’s local seniors. Lots! At minimum she’s going to join billiards and she already goes to “Thursdays at 10” where she can hear someone speak about an interesting topic. I wish she played cards but she loathes it! Could never get her to play cards with me as a kid!

kerry

Veteran

Absolutely suntiger, he was her best friend! She told me today that she goes in his room and talks to him. That makes me happy and sad all at the same time.

Gigi, you make some great points about her volunteering and being active. Also about having friends visit on a rotating basis. I’ll have to try and figure out how best to do that.

Suz, yes my stepdad used to do a lot. He hadn’t so much in recent years so she already has some supports in place. I’ll definitely make a list of those things and check in with her about them on a regular basis.

kerry

Veteran

Joy, this a great list of practical points to consider. I will refer to your list when making a master list for myself to help guide me where she may need support.

Runcarla

Veteran

You are a good daughter, Kerry!

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I agree with calling daily or if not every day at least most days at first. Just a reminder someone is thinking of her. I think if she has friends at church or other places she will do better. Social interactions always help. Maybe be sure to invite her out to do something active a few times a month. Getting the house in the best shape possible is also a good idea - though contractors are a real challenge to find for most people. A house inspection might be a good idea.

unfrumped

Veteran

So sorry!
Hopefully she will share with you enough for you to know how you can help, and agree with checking on whether she can manage the “ basics” or needs help right away— does she understand their accounts and bills so can stay on top of that. If generally yes, she might still appreciate your sitting there while she does some things. If you are able to visit it helps you also “ see” if she is functioning ok at least on the surface and offer to do things rather than wait for her to ask. If she has friends her age, there may be things she will share with them rather than a daughter ( and daughters don’t always understand this!) so having some other social or church contacts is important.

ChrisM

Veteran

One thing you might also consider is a medical alert fob. If she falls or becomes injured, she can press a button for assistance - the attendant can call 911 or help with medications - and (this was especially important for my mom) I can track where she is on my phone as long as she wears the fob. Truth : she doesn’t know I can track her, and I don’t often look to see where she is, but I can see that this might be a helpful feature. Her driving is scary - even in the small city that’s she’s lived for decades.

I live 3 hours away from her - and I’m the closest family. It costs me about $25 a month, and the peace of mind it brings me is worth every penny.

Best wishes always in your journey. We all travel this road one way or another - peace to you.

Elle

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your mom and you. My dad died when my mom was much older (84) and she needed help with finances, taxes, and the paperwork of the condo. She put my name on her bank accounts and I ended up handling the finances long distance. I called or skyped every day and she did agree to see a social worker for grief counseling.

The hardest thing for my mom was that she lost her main social contact so I got her to go to the YMCA to swim and just seeing people and exercising helped. Since your mom is younger, one idea would be encourage her to go to some kind of exercise class or join a mall walking group. At 72, she may feel too young for a senior center but if not, they do have good classes.

It was also important to visit my mom regularly so that I could observe whether she was depressed (she was), eating correctly, etc.

One final and very important thing - take good care of yourself. Being a caretaker (even temporarily) can be very difficult

Gretchen

Veteran

I’m so sorry. There are a lot of great ideas here. Can I add 2 more?

1. Do you have a close friend, or someone more your age close by who could be your extra set of eyes? Your mom may not even tell her close friends what’s really going on. But having someone you know who could drop by every now and then and check on her/the house could help. (We had a close family friend who developed Alzheimer’s but we didn’t realize how advanced it was until we visited her at home.)

2. Can you identify some one as the 3am call? For many people who live alone, the late night health problems are scariest. Is it time for a hospital trip? How will I get there? I’d feel silly calling an ambulance but I don’t think I can get there on my own... Planning ahead for a friend/neighbor to be on call can give you both peace of mind,

Sending comfort to you both as you go through this transition,

gryffin

Veteran

Kerry - I’m so very sorry for the loss of your step dad. I’m in the same boat just a year farther out. We lost dad last November. It’s very difficult. First question, I’m assuming your mom is physically in good shape, as in can she perform all tasks of daily living? Does she drive? Can she walk her dogs or does she have in a fenced in back yard? Can she manage check book; banking, arranging for home repairs? My mom was a queen. Daddy did everything. My mom barely sorts the mail. I had to review everything dad did and then figure out who and how those tasks would be fulfilled. This contrasts to my MIL who was CEO and took care of my FIL and could manage completely independently. You want to try and create a support group of workmen and services if needed. I do call daily. We encourage independence. You are fortunate your mom is independent by nature. Also you can’t fill your step dad’s shoes. No one can. My best advice, is try and be a safe harbor. Encourage mom to vent and tell you what she’s feeling. But don’t rush in to fix things. Too often we assuage our guilt and sorrow by action. Sometimes the best kindness is to listen and empathize. Many times people don’t want suggestions, tasks, plans, no matter how well meaning. They want to be heard without judgement and with patience but without agenda or plan. Being that safe harbor is the hardest task I’ve ever done. My name should be little miss fix it. But sometimes we can’t fix things. Sometimes the best we can do is simply be there. If that makes any sense.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Another way to track her driving, if necessary, if she doesn't want a medical alert fob, is to get a tracker for her car. They are inconspicuous and not at all expensive.

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