As someone who has gone through a similar situation with my mom, and now find myself in your mom’s age group with a hubby who is a decade older than me, I’d pay attention to Gryffin’s wisdom.

Listen to your mom with your eyes and heart, as well as your ears, to find out what she needs from you, but don’t be too quick to act before you’ve consulted her, especially since you know she is fiercely independent. As Angie and Gryffin have so wisely pointed out, your mom needs time to grieve the loss of her partner and to figure out how she wants to move forward. Simply being there for her while she works through the process is probably the best gift you could give her at this point. Despite good intentions, you won’t be able to eliminate the pain and dislocation she will be feeling in the next few months. Keep in contact, but don’t turn it into surveillance.

Unless you have tangible reasons to assume your mom isn’t able to cope with her new circumstances, leave it to her to figure out how she wants to live the rest of her life. Support her, but don’t try to wrestle control away from her. The last thing she needs right now is to have to struggle with you to maintain her sense of herself as a capable, functioning adult.

Yes, that’s a good point that Gaylene and Gryffin make. My mum is the CEO type, runs rough shod over everyone actually (hehe), and it would never even occur to me to try and baby her or make decisions for her. But if she were different, I could see how it might be easy to forget an adult is an adult... and how that would be a bad approach...

My dear father died in 2010, after a long illness. Much loved and missed. My mum is fiercely independent too, and I have found the best support is a regular meet up. In the summer this is a weekly Sunday evening supper. More recently, we have both joined Weightwatchers, which has been good fun. It is Saturday morning, and we go for a coffee and croissant after. DS school send out daily prayers during Advent and Easter, and I ping those onto my mum, really to let her know that I am thinking about her. She has a lot of friends, lives in a village that she has lived in for 35 + years, so is probably in a good place to manage living on her own.

Much wisdom from Gryffin. My dad passed 5 years ago, and Mom lives alone in a big house at 82, but I am 5 minutes away. She is legally blind and fiercely independent, so we’ve had some battles because I tend to swoop in and take care of things but she needs to feel in charge. It’s been a tough adjustment, especially since as she’s aged she’s starting to forget little things or even toss a random bill because of her vision. It’s a constant adjustment as we move forward...things are always changing so I guess my advice is to just be there for her and take her lead as much and as long as possible. It’s uncharted territory as our parents live much longer than *their* parents did.

You’ve all given me much to think about and I really appreciate it. I know there will be no single course of action going forward. It is my coping strategy to gather resources and research when I’m feeling uncertain and all of you have helped me by providing that support.

Aquamarine, I realize that what works for my mom in the next few years may not continue to do so as she ages. I just hope that I’m paying enough attention to know when the status quo needs some tweaking.

Jane, do you live close to your mom? How old is your child/children? I’m just trying to figure out logistics of seeing my mom weekly.

My mom is definitely a CEO type. Having said that she sometimes get confused when complicated things are explained. But she’s good at asking questions!

Gaylene, I agree that my mom deserves my trust and respect. Absolutely I will take her lead (I always have!) on what she needs and if and where she needs support. Everyone’s situation is different and I know everyone here is sharing their own experiences but the idea of wrestling control from my mom over her affairs is hilarious at this point. She would have NONE of it even if I tried which I know better than to!

Kerry if your mother can look after herself then she should chose how to live and whether to stay in the same house. I had the issue that my father (who has Parkinson's) was very infirm and forgetting to take his medication, which also impacted his cognitive abilities wanted to stay in his house despite not being capable of looking after himself. It took his doctor to refuse to discharge him from hospital unless he went into a care facility - but meanwhile - his care took a massive toll on the family. My older sister almost had a nervous breakdown trying to cater to his demands. My advice to you is to also prioritise your life and know what you are happy and want to do for your Mum but also what you don't want to do.

very late to this but what i was going to say Gaylene said, and so much better than i could have...
on a practical note, not sure if Amazon Canada has services, but here in the states, its an easy an almost painless way to get a handyman in to do jobs around the house. I've used it for things like changing the smoke detector and the garbage disposal, and long distance booked someone to take care of some small projects at my moms.

texstyle, good idea about getting the house in top order. I know she has some plumbing issues to deal with but I think she has that sorted and will get in done in a few months. I’ll ask her if there’s anything else and if she needs help with it.

unfrumped, thanks for your advice. I’ve discovered through recent conversations that she’s planning to become friendlier with her two neighbours, both are women living on their own (one to each side of her). They’ve both reached out to her and she’s planning on having them over to build that relationship more. This gives me some reassurance.

Gretchen, my mom’s now identified one of those neighbours as her 3:00 am phone call so that’s good. Thank you.

ChrisM, I asked her about the medical alert fob and she was not a fan. She felt she wasn’t old enough for it!

Elle, good idea to put me on the accounts if it comes to that. I’ll ask her. I know she did that with my stepdad years ago (they had separate accounts).

gryffin, thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. It really helps! My mom is definitely CEO material! I agree that listening and empathy are what she needs most right now. Thank you for helping me keep that perspective.

kkards, nice tip on Amazon as a resource. I’ll look into it!

Bijou, oh I agree! She’ll definitely want to stay in her house but I also don’t want to assume anything so I’m slowly asking everything and anything right now. I haven’t broached the living arrangements topic. Not sure if and when I will. I’ll be patient and see how she feels. My mom went through a similar situation with my grandmother years ago as your family did with your dad. Yes, it definitely does take its toll.

Hi Kerry - just wanted to acknowledge your post and your loss. I've started a thread on aging parents, inspired by the conversation here.

It's so hard! I wish your Mom all the very best in finding fulfillment in her independent life.

Kerry, I remembered this book while responding to Laurie's thread, and I thought I would mention it here. I found it very helpful when I was going through tough times as my mom got older. It helped me be more patient and present with her, and gave me some strategies for dealing with challenges. Not sure if it will resonate with you, but I thought I would share just in case.

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-.....50X/?tag=h

Sending continued good vibes!

Thanks Laurie!

I took a look to see if that book is at my local library, Janet, and it is! I’ll check it out. I’m not sure how ‘difficult’ my mom is/will be but I’m sure it’ll provide a perspective I hadn’t considered. Thanks!

Parents probably will not ask for help, even if they need it. See them often and be sure that they are eating healthy and paying their bills. Be on the watch for scams that they may fall into. My dad really thought he had won Publishers Clearing House. He was also double and triple paying bills and thinking that Medicare statements ( Not A Bill) were bills and frequently got lost driving in a small town where he had lived in the same house for decades.