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A strange question about boys.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

So ... I think I missed out the day in high school where everyone learned to do their hair and put on makeup and be grown up in general (in all likelihood I was away competing at a piano festival or national science fair or recovering from the latest stunt on my mountain bike) - and I seem to have missed the memo on boys.

I was hoping I could turn to the collective wisdom of YLF to ask a silly question. Asking my parents is stupid because I come from a no-touch family - if someone touched you, it was probably to smack you because you deserved it for something or another - so everything is really strange to me.

I think I get hugs. There was a really nice older lady at my first job who hugged me all the time because she thought I "needed" it. I probably did.

Now, why would anyone want to kiss anyone else?

I thought about this from a scientific perspective. There are a lot of germs that seem to be involved. Also, this involves spit. I don't like spit. This sounds absolutely disgusting to me.

Unfortunately, dear boy thought I meant -he- was disgusting, and was really sad. I was able to explain that no HE wasn't disgusting but spit in GENERAL is disgusting. Isn't it?

I realize this is a really silly thing for a 28 year old to have to go through, so I hope no one is going to make fun of me :p But just pretend I'm 14 and you have to explain it to me. Or 8. Geez, kids grow up fast these days.

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60 replies

Latest reply was from lyn*

Sona

Veteran

It is really tongues mating which can be very, very pleasurable. Just like regular sex requires a "wet" medium to be pleasurable and non painful,the tongues too appear to require a soft, comfortable medium to dance in.

Hopefully the metaphors I've used encourage you to think about doing some "dancing".

MsMary

Veteran

If you're doing it right, there's less spit than you might expect.

I can see why The Boy would be sad. Give it a try... it might grow on you!

And also? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TKb7JrhJpk

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

How about starting out with closed mouth kissing or kissing ears, neck, eyelids, shoulders, fingertips, palms, or other pleasure spots! I totally hear you on the germs. This is sad, but I can't remember the last time DH and I made out French kissing. One or the other of us is always sick from the kids passing their germs to us (DH only half-jokingly calls them "vectors"). Right now I have a lingering cough probably from the boys. So we rarely do the open-mouth kissing because we don't want to make each other sick. There are a lot of other ways to show affection. You could try those until you get more comfortable with him.

catgirl

Veteran

LOL. You'll get over it. I often wonder how dentists and gynecologists reproduce.

Echo

Veteran

Oh, from a scientific perspective, you are absolutely right. Then again, as AG mentioned, most bodily functions or intimate acts ARE, objectively, pretty disgusting. This is part of the reason that the sex drive is so high in teenagers - it is intended to get them past thinking about the intricacies of the acts straight to DOING them.

Don't think about it, and definitely do NOT discuss it with the boy. Take things very, very slowly and see if, at any point, it might come naturally to kiss him. If it never does, or if it continues to strike you as gross in the moment, then there might be a bigger hurdle to overcome. But, yes, to sit from a desk and ponder the idea, it is pretty icky. But it isn't nearly so bad in the moment.

Diana

Veteran

Like Natalie says, I would start with closed-mouth kissing first and then see where it goes from there. Try it, you might like it! I do think you probably just need to take it slowly and get used to it.

On the other hand, it's OK to not like some things too. For example, I hate it when J. kisses my ears. It tickles, the kissing noise is amplified when it's that close to the ear, and wet ears are just gross. But I did have to train him to stop doing it!

I don't think not having any mouth contact is really an option though... it would make me sad too. No, I don't like ear kisses but mouth kisses are nice!

Diana

Veteran

PS - I think it might actually be a means of figuring out if someone is right for you. The right person is someone you feel comfortable sharing germs with!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I wholly admit that sometimes BF's kisses are more slobbery than I'd like . . . but I love him and so a slightly wetter kiss than I'd find ideal is okay in the long run Not that he's a sloppy dog licking type kisser, just that I might be on the more sensitive spectrum, like you are.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Tee hee... I knew I could rely on the collective wisdom of YLF!

@ Sona - ... after some Gravol :p

@ MaryK - That has to be the cutest video ever

@ Natalie - Oh, legit germs! I didn't think about those either! Well, at least he flosses.

@ Una - I've always said that obs/gyn rotation was the BEST birth control.

@ Echo - I think that's interesting. It's always been gross to me.

@ Diana - That reminds me of the Family Guy episode ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnDjpUiKBmA

@ Mo - Glad to know I'm not the only one

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Oh, yes, and he does obsessively brush his teeth like 8 times a day. So that certainly helps

Irene

Veteran

First things first: are you sure you like him romantically/sexually? It's just that I used to feel like that around guys I was dating who were nice and everything but I just didn't feel like kissing them and then I met someone I actually wanted to kiss. Like, really, really wanted to kiss. And because I was a late bloomer, it felt very odd to me. But, yes, it happened. Maybe this guy is not meant for you.

Now, it could also be that you just don't like it. Just because most people like something, it doesn't mean you have to like it, too. Most people like sex but some people don't. Most people like kissing, but some don't. Most people like chocolate but some don't lol. I don't know, it could be that. We all have our quirks. I hate it when someone touches the inner side of my wrist. I can't even touch it myself. If I were to date someone with a great interest in inner wrists, maybe it wouldn't work. So maybe you should look out for someone who doesn't like kissing that much. It will be hard, but if this really freaks you out, it will be worth it. Being forced to do anything -and especially something that intimate- is terrible.

PS: There's a double standard involving french kissing and spit. I never understood why it's ok to make out (and more) with a complete stranger yet it's disgusting to share a glass with a close friend or family member. I wouldn't share a chewing gum with my best friend, but come on, a drink?

rachylou

Veteran

I'm sure there must be some evolutionary aspect to kissing. Like we all know (now) that it's a good idea for mothers to chew food for their babies and feed it to them and to suck on the pacifier to "clean it" and then give it back to the baby. Immune system boosts.

And we think adult relationships have an infant-parent "base." (Oogly googly sweethearts and their baby talk anyone?)

Physiological bonding mechanism.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

You need to stop thinking and concentrate on how it feels, focus on each sensation from sight, to touch, to smell; really it is about losing yourself in the moment...a bit like meditation but with...er... spit!

minimalist

Veteran

Rachylou, I did not know that. Glad to be enlightened.

@Lyn, what MaryK said about technique (though apparently that's a style-compatibility thing and some people like it sloshy) and what Natalie said about legit germs. Right now I have a particularly nasty cold of a sort I *never* had before meeting bf. (Well, before starting to kiss him...etc. There was a delay some might consider absurdly long for a couple of body-aware middle aged non-religious types.) Sure, colds can be spread through droplets in the air, but this is the third time I've had this specific set of symptoms so next time, he'll tell me the instant he notices first signs. Evil, evil sore throat, as in wake in night to take naproxen sore. If it wasn't accompanied by cough and nasal congestion, I'd think strep. /rant

There's a non-zero chance of certain STIs that can be transmitted through kissing as well, but you know about those and how seriously you take which risks.

Also, what Irene said. And others; I'm on phone so don't have a good overview.

Classically Casual

Veteran

Think of it as a really pleasurable way to strengthen your immune system...

Emily

Veteran

Haha, when you put it that way I honestly don't know what's so great about it, either. I would second what some other folks have said here, which is that if you're doing it right, there's really not that much spit involved - but I guess that's a stylistic choice - chacun à son goût and so on.

Lips feel kind of cool when you press them against someone else's, in my opinion. A friend of mine in high school said that trumpet players are the best kissers because their lips have more muscle, and she may have had a point. It always surprises me a bit because you never really think about the muscles in your lips. Then once the surprise has turned to delight, maybe you move on to a little gentle nibbling or tongue dancing, as Sona so nicely put it?

Have you ever read Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging? If not, I think It may amuse you.

deb

Veteran

Lyn, I have kissed a lot, mostly because I like kissing. I married a man because I thought he was stable, good job, etc. I married him based on my brain. My current husband, I married because of his kisses. I good kiss makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Turning off the brain and letting emotions take over is the key, believe me, I know. I over think everything. Oh, and a glass of wine or two will help the relaxing part.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It feels really nice with the right person. But as others have said, there are other ways. Dancing. Nose kisses. Butterfly kisses (with eyelashes).

Ariadne

Veteran

Lyn, don't answer if this is too personal, but do you feel attracted to this boy in other ways? I'm wondering whether you're just grossed out by kissing specifically, or by any/all sexual acts, or if you're just not sexually attracted TO HIM. All of which are OK, but probably important to figure out, sooner rather than later.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Oh no, it's all things that are kissing and beyond... I grew up in a household were those things were evil and wrong and if you even laid eyes on a boy you'd get a licking.

I think I have a baseline response of "fear" that has more or less changed into "gross!" over the years.

I generally feel a little saddened about it; I think I'm attracted to the boy. Or at least more than other people. I generally don't feel attraction towards most guys, and it's really difficult for me to find someone I "like" in that way, so I don't really want to blow it.

Ariadne

Veteran

That sounds really tough, and is honestly something I'd probably want to talk to a therapist about. I'm sorry, hon.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Ah; I have talked to one recently. He announced that I am simply a "frigid prude" and I was rather offended.

So I am hoping to take this one step at a time. :p smooches first.

Ariadne

Veteran

What the...? What a horrible, horrible thing for him to say. Some people are asexual, but that's not something worthy of a cruel and misogynist insult, it's just one way of being human. You deserve and need a new therapist. Huge hugs.

FlorenceFearne

Um, WTF is a therapist doing saying that to anyone? You have entirely valid reasons for feeling the way you do, and his job would be to help you work through them, not to name-call and judge you. I would now like to beat him up on your behalf. Seriously. I'll let him know that I'm taking a "hands on approach to my repressed anger."

elpgal

Veteran

Not a big fan of receiving kisses but am happy to dole them out. Lyn*, there are so many things you can explore, I am excited on your behalf. Hope you and the fella can find something that is mutually pleasing

Marley

Veteran

Oh - I've got to run right now - but, I will respond to this tomorrow Lyn. But, just want to say 2 things right now: 1) fire the therapist and find another one - be sure to consider if you need a male or female therapist to help you work through these issues, and 2) what you are feeling is completely understandable (and to be expected) when you consider the environment that you were raised in. More tomorrow.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

ITA with Marley and Ariadne.

I'm a bit of a germophobe myself (will not share water bottles or toothbrushes, and even though I know they disinfect them, I hate renting snorkels), so I kinda get it. And I'm not a fan of sloppy kissing, and I am totally with Diana about the ear thing! But easing into deeper kissing can be really, really nice.

But I think the larger issue is exploring whether you truly feel attracted to this guy and what that means for you as far as physical intimacy. This is big stuff. This is being able to shut off your brain and just *feel*. You deserve a therapist who is far more respectful -- and I found a female therapist is best for truly understanding the female perspective on these issues.

rachylou

Veteran

Therapists do that sort of thing. I think they do it to get people to switch gears. We all get stuck in "neurological ruts" where we really aren't taking in information. You know, where we're being very logical but totally off-point. So therapists do a non-sequitur.

Anyways, my impression lyn, is you often have "strong" reactions (as compared to, say, me - or how I strike myself). At least strong enough to hold you back or serve as deterrent. My other impression is that you're, well, Asian. As one to another, let me tell you to just steel yourself through the first few kisses. The nausea and/or feeling that *this* really isn't that great will recede, and you'll be better able to judge. This, btw, holds true for every new boy you kiss, etc. You have to make it through until the automatic, conditioned response passes and you're actually in the moment.

ironkurtin

Veteran

It is OK to be a sexual being. Your body has lovely nerve endings that can reward you when they are properly held, stroked, and engaged. Giving and receiving physical pleasure is a wonderful part of being alive. Some people have negative associations with their body that can be unlearned!

That said, if you are simply not a physical person, that is OK too. You just need to find someone who is fine with that and won't be hurt.

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