I have to disagree with rachy. I've never heard of or been to any therapist who would say something so cruel. That's not a non-sequitor, that's simply nasty. And it's a cliche, too.

Lyn, I would just like to point out that the mere fact you are talking about this now shows your depth of feeling for the boy. If he was simply a fling then why bother?

I do have a friend who shares very similar views on sexual intimacy, she had an eating disorder through most of her twenties and believes her reactions are tied to her ongoing negative body image. Despite having these hurdles to overcome J has been married for around 7 years and is a Mum to three children.

Thanks everyone for being so supportive!

I promptly fired the therapist after he said that - and I am not comfortable looking for another one right now, because one of the other residents in my years is very interested in this type of therapy and has a monopoly on any of the cases that comes through (although I'm pretty sure I can ask not to be on her case load - because that's just weird).

We had a really long talk about it, and he was very supportive. We are happy to snuggle and do jigsaw puzzles, until I get more comfortable with having someone in my personal space - so I'm pretty happy with that!

I like the suggestions about trying other areas. And go at your pace! There's nothing worse than feeling like someone is pushing you to do things you're not comfortable with. I was a late bloomer as well and it took me a while to get use to kissing and things like that.

Lyn, I come from a family like yours, and no, your reaction to kissing is not weird at all for someone with a nontouch type of upbringing.

I don't have any advice other than to commiserate with you and to pat you on the back for firing that therapist! The client-therapist relationship needs to be a safe one where you can bare all, and this response on the part of the therapist shows that it was not a safe relationship for you.

I think the whole kissing thing is some sort of primal way of sensing the world...as in babies usually come at you mouth first, and everything goes into the mouth while they are exploring the world (slobbery things babies!) until they sort themselves out.

Gotta say, I'm a fan! (Of kissing!)

Ariadne, no? How fascinating.

I am of two minds about the legitimacy of such tactics. On the one hand certain things are indeed sacred in my book. On the other, people really do get stuck like a broken record. The mind does work like that, does have habits. And the habits are tenacious.

But I will say that I've never yet met a therapist who could tell me what well-adjusted is. They have always sidestepped and said something like, *as long as whatever isn't interfering with your life.*

Psychiatrists and psychologists being different...

*hugs* I have 2 friends who are asexual; they enjoy the romance of relationships but don't care for the physical aspects beyond hugging/snuggling. Have you read up on asexuality at all? If not I'd recommend doing so! I didn't know of its existence before I met my friends, so in case it's new to you too.

That's wonderful that the guy you're with was supportive and not pushing you, and that you feel comfortable talking about it with him. What a horrid therapist, I'm glad you fired him. He should lose his license over something like that, in my not-so-humble opinion.

Other than mouth/mouth kissing, mouth/neck kissing involves a lot of erogenous feeling too, and doesn't require exchanging spit. Your neck washes clean pretty easily.

Our upbringing can definitely have a great hold on us and I hope that you will try finding a more qualified therapist to help undo that programming as physical intimacy is such an important part of relationships. Glad to hear you have discussed this with your guy and that he is taking it slow with you!

I didn't have any issues like this from my childhood, in fact my parents use to smooch in the hallway all the time and we would giggle about it. I did however have a weird first relationship where he had hang ups that "good girls" didn't do certain things or behave certain ways. After breaking it off with him I had a short term relationship with a guy who was much freer who totally cured me, but would have been too much fo a long term thing... My husband greatly benefitted from that second relationship which cured me!

It is a personal journey and we all have to feel our way around it and see what works for us, I hope you can approach this with some humor and curiosity!

Hey Lyn - sounds like you've got things sorted, so I'll just keep my mouth shut for the time being. Two questions I have though - is - what kind of therapy are you referring to that the other resident has a monopoly on? and, why can't you see any person that you want for therapy?

I saw a therapist, when I was being radiated. He put it out there that people think about engaging in sex in confessional booths and perhaps I'd had such a thought. I was pretty shocked and ended our sessions. That was the first I'd heard of that, haha.

However, I should think he was doing his job correctly and I got what I was supposed to get out of it all. It was just that, while I don't think validation is therapy, I'm just too Catholic for that. That's one thing you have to validate - and know about - to be my therapist. But I appreciate the sting he delivered. I was in a bubble.

Erm. I am slightly lost in the memory department these days. But I hope I wasn't imagining the article that suggested some evidence that exchanging saliva actually helped determine attraction to a different gene pool to minimise inbreeding.

That apart, despite being an early bloomer, I still think kissing open-mouthed is rather icky. After 14 years with a wet kisser. It may be an Asian thing like Rachy said. Or it may be a 'some people' thing.

The thing to do is discuss honestly. With boy as well as self.

It may not prove insurmountable. Like drinking red wine on occasion with your friend who likes it though you prefer white. Or sharing a McBurger though you usually eat organic.

Or it may prove some needs are critical to your relationship happiness. Only way to know is to try a few times. Upbringing issues notwithstanding.

I've been thinking about how to respond for a while now.... I was raised to not have casual physical contact with guys, so in my mind I translated "wait" to "wrong". However, when I was serious about marrying my future husband, I began to get interested in said contact, despite my previous attitude. Take it slowly, but I think when you love someone you will eventually desire that physical contact with them that speaks of affection.

Well, thank you all for your lovely advice and suggestions.

Let's just say we went out tonight ... and the problem is solved.

Fast work!!!

Ahh, good news! He must be the right person for you. Good feelings of connection can always trump fear. Yay!

Yay! Great news!

Yay! I'm grinning for you right now. I bet you are too.

Cheering for you!

OH GOOD! Onward and upward!

Hooray!

Lol. Good for you

Oh your first kiss! I'm so glad is was with someone special!

AJ, it sure wasn't my first ... but I guess you have to kiss a few (slimy) frogs first?

Hurray! I am so happy for you!

Coming on this thread late... that really was fast I'm impressed with you that you would be that vulnerable and ask for help.

O-o; yeah.... hmm, I think the "it's different with someone you like" really rings true.

Yay Lyn! So glad things worked out! (Sorry it took me awhile to get back to this; I always forget about this section.)

Ahhh that's such good news! Sorry I've been so slow in responding - I've been back
In the Midwest the past 3+ weeks (still there) and so my "normal" schedule is totally turned upside down.)