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Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

A reintroduction and a question

Liesbeth

Veteran

If anyone remembers me from last year and wonders where I went after a period of heavy posting: my apologies for disappearing off the face of the earth. It was due to a realization that my shopping (or more accurately: my obsessive constant thinking about clothes and the
rabbit hole of the online purchase-return cycle) had become a problem and looking at style blogs or webshops in moderation was just no longer possible. I wouldn’t call myself a shopaholic, just someone with compulsive tendencies at times of stress. And I’m not sure about ‘netiquette’ but I did feel bad for just disappearing from the community so suddenly.

I hibernated for a while on a very strict budget and NO exposure to style blogs or webshops. Now I’m back in business baby! Just kidding – I’m dealing with stress now the best I can and I would really like to find a way to indulge in some light escapism through fashion and improve my wardrobe at the same time without it consuming me so much (and
without going over budget …). I’ve been lurking around for some weeks now and felt the urge to participate in discussions and ask some questions myself.

Do you have any tips on how to maintain a healthy relationship with fashion and style?

General

28 replies

Latest reply was from Jenni NZ

smittie

Veteran

re:

Now I’m back in business baby! Just kidding

lol!

Hello Liesbeth. Yes I remember you.

My advice is: Hibernating strategy is a good one. When you feel like you're going off the rails again, just hibernate again.

The strategy I use for myself involves a lot of browsing. I set up some windows for buying (like 1 day a month or so), and the rest of the time I just don't buy. But I will say that I still think about clothes a lot, and this might be unhealthy.

I also like the idea of integrating your clothes hobby into your life more -- maybe setting up a blog or something. I keep meaning to do this, but I don't have enough time.

Helena

Veteran

Liesbeth, sounds to me like you were very wise. When you need a break, take a break! I've done so many times over the years, and am always forgiven by this wonderful group

As to enjoying fashion without necessarily getting sucked down the rabbit hole of purchasing, I love to play with the clothes I have. Lately, I've been setting little weekly challenges for myself (e.g. this week I am only wearing neutrals, last week I was doing Kate pinspiration outfits) to keep myself amused with what I've already got. Sometimes, I pack up lots of stuff that I'm not currently into, so I have a bin to "shop" from when I get bored.

As to the overthinking, as a Class A overthinker myself, I've learned two things:
1) I'm going to overthink SOMETHING; clothes is relatively harmless so it's not the worst choice.
2) awareness is the enemy of overthinking - if you know you do it and accept that about yourself, you'll likely find it easier to catch yourself and re-orient yourself when necessary (or take a break, as you did!)

Welcome back

Liesbeth

Veteran

Thank you guys.

Smittie: that one day a month idea sounds really interesting. It doesn't work well with sales opportunities but I know that taking some time often helps me decide on whether an impulse was a good idea (in line with my style goals or a nice wildcard) or just that, an impulse.

torontogirl: I always mean to do challenges like that with my existing wardrobe but have to be careful not to let them result in 'I definitely need x y or z in order to create better (randomly chosen) looks'. Your thoughts on overthinking are very wise and I could probably rest into that part of me a bit more.

Vix

Veteran

Hi Liesbeth --

Welcome back; as much as I love Mae West's "too much of a good thing can be wonderful" I find it rarely applies to things 100% of the time!

Lots of good strategies upthread already.

There's a theory some have re behavior change regarding one's natural inclination being Moderation or Abstention.

I'm someone who often needs both -- going "cold turkey" like you did to reset, then easing back into a regime of moderation. I *know* I'm very suggestive and I'm also a great rationalizer -- so no, baking blogs and continuous online browsing don't work for me ha ha.

A few of the things I do in addition to what's been mentioned:

unsubscribe to shopping-related emails (or send to a dedicated folder)

get more hands-on with my current clothes and / or new, often secondhand purchases -- overdye them (easy but tedious), work with a pro to alter them, etc -- things that make items more perfect for *me* so that I want to wear them more and am less likely to pass them on

allow myself to fall for unusual pieces as long as they work with stuff I already own -- this avoids "shopping for my shopping" (exceptions for special events, when rebuilding a wardrobe)

try to shop seasonally for outfits vs pieces so that I *can* do the inverse of the above and buy for what I've just bought so I have mini-capsules of stuff that's mostly new. [Smaller wardrobe, so I do get bored with wearing only the old stuff] I drag pieces to stores with me, try on an online item with other new stuff (hopefully still tags-on)

Liesbeth

Veteran

Thanks for the extra input Vix! I have found myself drifting towards that last strategy recently so it's nice to see that validated. For years now I've been focused on the most versatile capsule wardrobe, but I'm finding that strategy less helpful when trying out new silhouettes. If I think in mini capsules then I won't face what I've faced before: to have spent my whole budget and then end up still with a whole wishlist of what I think Angie calls 'completers'. And too much shopping (and thinking) on a whole!

Anonymous

Hi-welcome back! Last year I did a lot of shopping, and a lot of analyzing (still do...), but overspent on things that weren't right for me.
This year, I'm doing the slow shop thing. A limit of 36 items for the year, not counting underwear, plain socks-tights, or sleepwear. Its keeping me from buying just cause its on sale, or almost right, or fomo trendy. It could work for you, or there may be some other tool.
Shopping, analyzing wardrobe isn't bad per se-just when it creates debt, conflicts with others, or bad feelings within you.

Synne

Veteran

Just want to chime in to say welcome back. And you have a wonderful sense of humour. Hope you find your middle ground and can begin sharing your WIWs again, always an inspiration!

Gretchen

Veteran

How great that you were able to realize your concerns and put a solution in place. Sometimes you just have to go cold turkey.

I've been experimenting with different shopping plans and have found 2 strategies are working for me:
- A specific buying window (in my case it's the 7 days after my credit card closes, which gives me time to receive, try on and send back before the next window)
- Tracking my wardrobe. This lets me overthink on the spreadsheet - should I really have 4 pairs of white jeans? - and focuses me on what I really need - a new pair of colored jeans.

Happy to see you on the forum!

Anonymous

Hi Leisbeth - and welcome back from me too. I understand what you have experienced with clothes and shopping , and I too struggled for years with a shopping habit/addiction that was unhealthy. I don't have this issue anymore, but clothing and style can bring out all of my insecurities and self-esteem issues. There were a couple of things I did - intentionally or organically - that seemed to help: I don't view wardrobing , shopping, and planning as a hobby. I made myself incredibly busy with other things that provide equal reward, and are equally interesting . I don't troll through the internet looking at blogs and instagram fashion posts ; I keep that time to a mimimim, and pay attention to just a few select writers whose aesthetic I appreciate . Posting the odd WIW here on the forum gave me more confidence in the wardrobe I have , and took away a lot of the insecurity about not having the right clothes, and looking crappy in what I do have. Posting sometimes smacks of vanity (for me) , but it has helped in many, many ways.
I've also taken breaks from the forum - some longer and some shorter. We have to do what feels right , because at the end of the day, we're in charge of how we feel and react .

Liesbeth

Veteran

Thanks for the ideas and support. I guess I will try moderation this time, in time spent on fashion blogs and webshops and on shopping too...

Cardiff girl

Veteran

Hi again,welcome back.l think that you were very wise to recognise traits in yourself and do what you needed to do.I think overshopping at times of stress is a common problem.I control myself(just!)by having a budget and keeping a small account book that’s entirely separate from other household expenditure and by having an online record of my wardrobe so that I can see what I already have.l also allow a mental cooling off period before purchasing of about a week and quite often the urge to splurge dies off in that time.

SarahD8

Veteran

Liesbeth, welcome back.

You have gotten great feedback above and I especially echo torontogirl's comments, since I am a Class A Overthinker as well.

I have been finding the "slow shop" challenge that some forum members are doing this year very useful to me. I am learning a lot from reading other people's threads on the topic, and also from being more mindful about my own additions and subtractions (although I did not commit to a specific item number budget for the year).

One thing that I have realized is that when I can notice my patterns (of thought/browsing/buying) without immediately passing judgement, I am better able to learn from them and make changes as necessary. For me, getting into that head space of self-judgement/guilt/shame just tends to reinforce negative patterns of behavior.

I hope I didn't get too serious here. :-/

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Lots of great thoughts and advice here, and a welcome back from me too. Of course, I remember you, Liesbeth.

Fashion and style should be FUN - not stressful. Never let it boss you around. Relax into it, and take breaks when you need to.

Anonymous

Hi! Welcome back. Thank you for your honesty.

I personally have no problem wrt malls. Online shopping is my Achilles heel.

Here are my strategies to deal with online shopping:

All catalogs go straight to the recycle bin. Delete all retail and blogger websites .... with the sole exception of YLF. Most importantly for me, put down the computer when I enter a mindless state of browsing. This is harder than it should be. I have to be firm with myself.

Although I continue to participate on YLF, it is important to understand that YLF can definitely trigger a shopping response. For example, (1) I placed an order to Puskho based on a post on the Forum. I rationalized that purchase as an item for my upcoming trip. (2) I almost placed a massive order for those woven joggers from Gap. I say "massive" because I had multiple sizes/colors in my cart. I added in several tee shirts and other items just "because." (3) Angie featured some shoes in one of her comments on a Forum Post. I saw those shoes came in wide width and pounced.

These three examples made me realize once again the power of websites like YLF. If I really, truly want to control my shopping/buying I am wondering if I too need to limit myself on YLF or set up some viewing parameters (e.g., focus on the fashion and styling).

If I decide that YLF is too much of a trigger and I can't control my shopping response, I need to recognize I can't just take something away. I have to replace it with something else that not a "punishment." I identified several active things I like to do. I say active because why not get things done in the absence of mindless browsing?

Finally, I have a defined, written shopping plan in place. The written lists definitely rein in my shopping behavior.

I hope some of this helps. Best wishes.

rachylou

Veteran

Well remembered!

Of course, I just made three unplanned purchases today, but I’ve gotten better I feel. Maybe I look to buy a few things every couple of months. I’m really focusing on only buying within the framework of my chosen, intentional style. And I put a lot more into looking and considering. I like to look at the history and the news and stay off actual shopping sites...

Glory

Veteran

Welcome back. You were very smart to take a break when you needed it. There is such excellent advice here. I am a bit of an over shopper and a lemming rolled into one. To try and purge that I have shopped online but given myself a cooling off period before purchasing. I’ve managed a bit better with that strategy.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Wonderful advice on this thread. Do not feel badly about coming and going - this is an internet safe spot and people come and go all the time with no hard feelings that I have noticed. I make very few retail purchases but still find myself opening endless links only to talk myself down. I find strict rules work best for me, but everyone is different and the tips above are a great start. Style can be a hobby without shopping.

Liesbeth

Veteran

Again, thank you everyone for sharing your own struggles and tips, it makes me feel so much better.
@Angie: your reply struck a nerve. I changed my moniker this year to gentlewoman rebel, as a way of bringing some of my natural defiance back to the surface (not just in style). That should include not letting fashion boss me around :).

Bijou

Veteran

Liesbeth, welcome back. I am enjoying reading the responses, because there are lots of great suggestions here. As Angie says, fashion should be a source of fun and happiness, so when it gets to a point where that is not happening, it is a good idea just to step away for a bit.

Roberta

Veteran

Cheers, Liesbeth! You can "over do" anything you are truly delighted by; food, clothes, collectibles, travel . . . As soon as I plan one trip I find myself plotting the next one. So taking a conscious break is very therapeutic and then dipping your toe in again is much more satisfying. The tactics that work best for me are 1. tracking and inventorying my wardrobe and ALL purchases, and 2. Putting every whim I have (a powder blue sweater RIGHT NOW) into a holding zone like Pinterest. Or walking around the mall taking pictures of things that I like. Just put that want in the fridge for a while and go watch a couple of episodes of Project Runway.

Is inventorying a word?

Jules

Veteran

Especially at this time of year, when spring clothes hit the stores 2 months or more before the weather warms up where I live, I find it helpful to remember there will always be more clothes to buy. There’s no shortage of stuff to buy in this cultural moment (rather, quite the opposite). Retailers are releasing new items in an ever-shortening cycle. The ‘perfect’ item doesn’t really exist for me, so it won’t slip through my fingers. Yes, shopping for shorts or a nice dress for a summer wedding is frustrating in July, but still very doable in late May/early June. Same in July when fall items come out... there will still be plenty in October.

Marilyn

Veteran

Leisbeth.....This is something I struggle with as well. I'm very aware when I start feeling out of control. I'm reading lots of great advice and strategies here that I will take to heart as well. I think the internet and access to SO MUCH information is the culprit here. There are times when I just read Angie's blog post.....because she offers such great information.....and stay away from the forum.

Anonymous

The line between "fun" and "compulsion" differs for every single person. It is important to recognize your individual limits.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Hi Liesbeth I remember you well!
I wonder if the online buying/returning makes people shop more? I hate dealing with packages and also I find some things I am attracted to online just look awful on my body shape so I have mostly sworn off online except for a small number of shoes which are easier to fit, for me. I occasionally browse online and then go look in the shop, of whatever local brand it is. I have unsubscribed from most shopping brands as they just bombard me with emails and no way could I take advantage of all their stupid coupon deals, buy one get one free etc because I would soon get a wardrobe of 500 pieces if I did. Now I realise I am in a privileged position of having some free weekend time to visit B & M stores without a young child in tow as I think you have. I still have something of a shopping addiction so have had to try to stay out of the stores as well, and limit my numbers bought as my wardrobe is already too big...
Tracking my wardrobe ( since May 2016) and trying to wear everything 30 times, and trying to remix what I already have, has all helped. And I participate more or less on YLF depending on how I’m going with all that. Opinions on other forum members’ threads sometimes helps me to obsess less about my own clothes in some way. Totally happy to see you or not see you as you feel best.

Anonymous

One thing that's driving me nuts with online shopping is these dumb sale subscribe to our emails pop ups! At least give us a chance to see if there's anything worth buying before foisting that &^$@ on us..-rrrrr!

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I agree Suntiger. And sometimes it is even couched in a “No thanks I don’t want to be a fabulous person” sort of a way which really p****s me off.
I want to be the one who decides and is in control. I am the one who knows what I already own and what will go with what. The temerity of it!

Anonymous

It's like "what's wrong with you to turn down our sale?" Sorry shops-even on sale it's too expensive if it's not the right thing!
Don't get me started on the store credit cards..."You'll save 10% today"*
*interest rate 38%*

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Yeah- ultimately, these brands are not our friends. They may provide some clothes we enjoy and those help us but they are also there to take our money. And some exploit workers and hurt the environment while they are doing that.