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A general question on feedback

catgirl

Veteran

Having been absentee for a while, I'm noticing a few threads where I've made a subjective comment about an item (for lack of a better way to sum it up) "doesn't seem like you/your style rubric/the direction you'd like to go". I mostly do this when I feel like I know someone well. But now I'm wondering if this is out of line somehow.

I know if I posted many of my current work outfits, a lot of people (myself included) would feel and maybe say that they are not my style. And it's true - what I have to wear for work is about as unexciting and functional as it gets for me, so much so that I don't even bother with pictures. And hearing it reiterated would only confirm what I already know.

I want to be honest and helpful and always try to be kind, but I sometimes feel like maybe I should stick to more objective feedback such as "that fits well" or "purple is a great color on you" and leave it at that, because it's hard to know whether I'm otherwise answering a question that hasn't been asked.

How I wish I had time to be here more often!

General

41 replies

Latest reply was from pil

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

(Reposting this here since you started a new thread).
Una, I DO think it is helpful to post comments whether something is "our
style". It's invaluable when people get to know a poster's style. You
know we can all get swayed by sale goggles! I think for the Spiegel it
was a combination of not quite perfect fit and also not quite my style.
Same with the Amber Sun Moto. I think the Halogen knit moto does fit
better and is more my feminine style so it's a win-win. I don't think I
would have found it if not for Rae and everyone else...I probably would
have settled for the Amber Sun or Spiegel and felt not quite right. I
know when I wore the Amber Sun to work, I took it off because something
didn't feel quite right. It felt a little baggy to me, even though it
wasn't obviously baggy. I felt like the coat was wearing me. And I think
people were right when they said it was too tomboy/aggressive for my
style. I think it's great that we get to know each other so well that we
can comment both on garment fit AND on style fit.

And that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to deviate from our primary style! I think it's great when we branch in new directions and try new style personas (I know I have several...Russian spy, etc). I like seeing outfits that are different from someone's usual style too! I would still like to see your work outfits!

Una, I wish I could be on here more often too! Hope things get less busy for you soon!

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Objective is subjective, in this context. I'm assuming when folks post they're looking for my opinion unless explicitly stated...and that they can take it with a grain of salt b.c they know where I'm coming from! FWIW, I would be MUCH more interested in your real thoughts, whether I agree or not, than something bland and non-commital. (-;

kellygirl

Veteran

I think it probably depends on what the poster is asking for. One of the reasons I post is so that people can get a feel for my style. I think I sort of have fit figured out (for the most part)--whether an item is my style or whether I can pull it off is another thing. That's where I find YLF eyes so helpful. I think as long as your comments are constructive and said nicely, it's more than acceptable.

deb

Veteran

Personally, I like it when I am told something like this. If I did not notice something it brings it to my attention. Then I can decide if that is what I want or not.

ramya

Veteran

Una Di, I post looking for such comments... Not having any girl friends around, I rely very heavily on you guys for feedback...

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I like to get more 'in depth' responses like these, so I'm all for it. And, yes, it's up to me to decide if I like it for myself, despite comments otherwise

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Totally agree with Deb and Mo -- I welcome all forms of feedback when I post something for comments!

FlorenceFearne

I think if you know someone well enough to know their style, there's nothing wrong with commenting on an item and saying, "this doesn't seem like your usual style." Sometimes we do buy something that's not right for us (sales goggles being a perfect example,) and it takes someone else to be objective and point out that no matter how lovely the garment, it doesn't work.

I actually hold back on commenting sometimes because I know I have too much of a sugar eye for certain things, and my compliments will be based more on my love for the garment/style/color than on how they flatter the wearer.

unfrumped

Veteran

I think if all done pleasantly and with wiggle room-- " this seems like a different style for you... " it's all good. And especially the fabbers who are brilliant and can identify " doing this or that would be more in the style of..."

I have no idea what spanner means, but I like reading different opinions.

Sometimes I detect intent to encourage and so not be too critical-/ I've probably been the beneficiary -- and it can be hard to know when that is helpful or just yay saying..

Scarlet

Veteran

I find that kind of critical feedback helpful. You are always kind. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Adelfa

Veteran

I would think it would be helpful. If someone says something's not my style, I can think of two ways I might react:

1. I didn't feel 100% comfortable in it in the first place, and your comment is a validation that I don't want to keep going in that direction.

2. I am consciously tweaking my style, I enjoyed the experience, and something may not be my style now but it's gonna be! In this case it's useful information that yes, the change registered as being different from my usual.

I think most of us welcome kind, insightful feedback.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Oh gosh, I wouldn't find YLF very useful if I didn't get the kindly worded but honest feedback I have come to depend on! I love posting K/Rs because no one is afraid to say, "you can do better!"

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I agree that all types of constructive feedback are helpful. I think it's up to the poster to clarify if they don't want certain types of feedback, or say, "I'm really just looking for tips on fit" or something like that. And also to take the feedback and do what they will with it. If something were deemed by others to be a little out of my usual style zone, I would want to know. Perhaps it would signal a subtle shift in my direction or a side of my style that I hadn't shown here, rather than indicating that the item wasn't for me. It's all useful stuff to know.

It's kind of like getting feedback on anything--a piece of writing, artwork, a performance, a draft proposal--posting WIWs is not all that different. There's a delicate balance in giving and receiving feedback, but as long as we're keeping the spirit helpful and supportive, it should all work.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I think that is one of the things that really sets this group apart, is that the members can kindly let their honest opinions be known. I would truly miss that...

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I think posting that can be helpful and if it wasn't what someone was looking for, then hopefully they will just take it with a grain of salt and recognize that any and all comments come from the individual's own perspective.

Gaylene

Veteran

OK, maybe I shouldn't even comment on this thread because I haven't yet posted pictures but I'm going to venture into these waters because I'm transitioning into retirement mode and I'm thinking I'm going to need the forum's assistance in the future.

If, and when, I did post a picture, I can't think it would be very useful if forum members started censoring their opinions. Everything is subjective--even a supposedly "objective" comment like "you look good in purple". As others have pointed out, first and foremost we ought to wear what makes us happy, even if it's not to the particular taste of another person. Commenting that "this doesn't seem to fit your style direction" is just as valid, and useful, a comment as "you look great", or "maybe try a more fitted top with that skirt". It's the range of opinions that helps us make better decisions.

Diana

Veteran

I think it's helpful and I value the feedback! Of course, maybe if I'm trying to branch out or try something new, I might not heed your advice... But I still like to know what you think! Basically, feedback is just that, feedback; it's up to the poster whether or not to heed your advice.
Honestly, if I really love something and know I will keep it I probably wouldn't bother to do a k/r post anyway (unless it's something SUPER IMPORTANT like wedding dresses), so if I'm posting a k/r I just assume its clear I want feedback.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Following up from my reply on your pm, I am again sorry for my part in raising this question. For me, there is a difference in saying "x isn't you" versus "x isn't UWP/00noir/modern eclectic/etc." Because as you said, you do know me very well... But monikers in my mind are pretty personal. It wasn't even your comment that made me so confused... You basically said that x looked like the usual and not an evolution. It was.more confusing to have external forces trying to redefine my own moniker. I hope that makes sense and that it didn't rub everyone the wrong way.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

This thread brings to mind when I posted the patterned kitten heels -- http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....ese-pretty -- which at first glance might not seem to be "my" style. I really appreciated that everyone chimed in and mentioned how they could see those shoes working with my style, but I also would have appreciated it no less if someone had said, "yeah, those are pretty, but do you really see them working for you?" These kind of questions just keep me honest and make me take a more critical look at items, rather than just act on my initial, "Oooh, pretty!" reaction. I will still make my own decision as I don't follow advice blindly, but it's always good to have constructive, thoughtful feedback, and this YLF group is marvelous for that.

Parsley

Veteran

I think it's perfectly appropriate to say "That doesn't seem like your style to me" or comments of that sort. And especially if we've said something like "I want my style to go in a more minimalist direction" and then post a really ALGO floral and stripe number or some such, I would expect people here to ask about how that fits in where we see out style going.

It would be so boring here if everybody just said things like "That's so fabulous- you look great in purple!" and never gave more feedback than that. The advantage of getting to know people's styles and personalities is that we're able to tell them honestly when something seems appropriate or not.

For me personally, I'm confident enough that differences of opinion don't shake me, and I WANT constructive criticism. I can always ignore it if I feel it's not on target.

deb

Veteran

Rae, I think I posted something about an outfit not looking like 'you' and I am sorry if I offended you. I did not mean it that way and I should have said something more along the lines of not look UMP. Again, I am very sorry.

shedev

Veteran

I think the specific feedback is much more helpful than when we are just trying to be nice. I do try to keep my feedback within the context of the persons aspirational or actual style. It took me a long time to learn to appreciate the things that I have a poison eye for on others and see past my personal taste.
If I don't ask for specific feedback, I don't really feel like I should complain when I don't like the feedback I get. I try to remember that some know me better than others and that those with much more refined styles may not love my faded distressed jeans as much as I do.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I always find that an interesting comment because it shows the mental image others have of me. Now, it may not be a CORRECT mental image, but it's always interesting feedback.

Also, as you know, I find it relatively easy to ignore comments. : )

Gaylene

Veteran

Is it just me, or are there more and more of these threads these days where someone is apologizing for a comment that inadvertently hit a nerve with another forum member?

The rule of the YLF forum has always been that comments must be phrased in polite, respectful way. That I totally endorse. But asking each other to take note of individual sensitivities when expressing an opinion seems a bit of a stretch because, in actual fact, we don't really know each other. Reading comments and looking at pictures is not the same as actually spending time with a person in real life.

An opinion, is just that, an opinion. Maybe mentally inserting the words I think before a comment is a better way to interpret the intent of the commenter because it reduces the statement effect of "this doesn't look good". Another person's opinion doesn't need to affect your view unless you choose to adopt that person's perspective. Because, heaven knows, I'd have drunk hemlock if I took all the comments students have made about me over the past thirty years as statements of fact about who (and what) I am as a human being

Deborah

Veteran

Una, I can only speak for myself, but I post with a desire for genuine, constructive comments. When I comment, I try to be honest, constructive and see past my personal likes and dislikes

Beth Ann

Veteran

Una: I think all of us have different feedback personas. I appreciate hearing from you because your style is so different that I know you'll see with a fresh perspective ---which I value. I like your straightforward, but polite manner. It's not necessary, or desirable for everyone to have the same commenting style.

I think the more freedom their is on the forum, the more we look to respect and integrate constructive criticism while still feeling good about our own perspectives. I want people to help we grow and develop my style sense!

Marley

Veteran

I was thinking the same thing that Gaylene said - seems like there has been a lot of energy being put into feedback content/intent lately. In light of several threads over the last couple of weeks, I have made a mental note to myself as to what kind/type of feedback I can freely give to certain members. Its not really all that easy though - and I'm sure that I'll mess up and put foot in mouth at times - but, that's just the way it seems to be with some of the members right now. I really try to pay attention to what someone says/asks in their WIW posts - and not go any further in my response than what they have asked for. Of course, those members that I have met in person, and consequently feel as though I "know" them a little better, I feel freer to perhaps go a little further in my comments - but even then, I've learned that I need to be careful. People who post WIWs are really putting themselves out there - its a pretty vulnerable position to be in - so, I am in no way criticizing their feelings or requests - they have every right to be specific about what kind of feedback they are wanting/needing. I just hope that they make that clear in each one of their posts - because I'm not going to be able to remember it otherwise!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Like a lot of other members I don't see the point (for me) if I don't get honest answers. Praise is nice but growth is why I'm here.

I usually qualify my responses with imo or I think - because it is my opinion & the other person always has the choice to accept or reject it

ironkurtin

Veteran

You know, I think a polite and well-phrased response is also nice to get from the poster, as well as from postees - especially if someone else inadvertently treads on toes. Everyone in this forum is well-meaning, so if we assume positive intent we probably can't go wrong.

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