A delicate situation: update at end - YouLookFab Forum

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A delicate situation: update at end

rachylou

Veteran

Hello wise ones. I have a delicate situation. My auntie on my mum’s side, by marriage, passed away a few weeks ago. My mum’s side is quite… odd about these things. And somewhat atheist. My auntie was Catholic. She *was* born in China, tho, for what it’s worth. They are not going to do anything religious. They weren’t going to do anything at all, but now have decided to burn some incense in the backyard… and it has to be said we don’t know anything about being Chinese. So extremely awkward to be honest. She was over 80, which is significant: I could wear black or brown or white or a little pink or red. It will be cold.

What would you do? I’m tempted to wear black and brown and show up with red, pink and white flowers…

Dressing

60 replies

Latest reply was from CocoLion

DonnaF

Veteran

Does your mom have an opinion on this?

Sloper

Veteran

Yeah, agreeing with Donna's question. I mean, will it be a "thing" if you even remotely, vaguely and unintentionally look like you are not wearing what Mom thinks you should (sorry - ignore personal question if desired!!!).

Also, are you asking whether you should dress in traditional Chinese mourning colors or if Western colors (like black/brown) are ok?
Are the colors you listed the traditional colors for a Chinese mourning or remembrance ceremony?

Sorry to throw questions back at you -- obviously I'm unsure how to answer.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

What do you have that's weather appropriate?

Minaminu

Veteran

Sorry for your loss! 80 is an important milestone and if I recall correctly in Chinese culture, anything that includes the number 8 is a lucky number. I'd ask your mum if one should celebrate this milestone and reflect this in the outfit or if a black outfit is suitable. Love your idea of the flowers, subtle but with great impact.

Lucy

Veteran

I'm in Australia, but we had a Chinese colleague die recently. We had to do some research, and were told anything red is not appropriate for a funeral or memorial. My memory is that his family wore black (as did I). Also, people sent flowers from all around the world, and all of the flowers were white.

Diana

Veteran

Rachy, I’m sorry to hear about your aunt.

So, a lot of this will depend on the deceased, and the family, but generally I wouldn’t wear red to a Chinese funeral ceremony. Black is always acceptable, and white is the traditional color of mourning. (But generally the only ones who would wear all white would be the closest people to the deceased.). Other somber colors like dark blue or green would be fine too.

I’d stick with white flowers to be safe.

Re: incense burning. Generally everyone will light a few sticks (often 3, which I think is a significant number for funerals) and either bow or kowtow 3 times as a sign of respect.

rachylou

Veteran

Haven’t talked to my mum yet… she’s visiting my brother and is supposed to be driving back from LA the day of this thing. I may be representing alone. They are making this all up as they go along. Google says black, brown or white - with a touch of red or pink because she was over 80. If this is like the vague thing they did for my grandma… it will be Lands End all around and someone will probably throw in a touch of red. And no bowing, except possibly for my one uncle who lived in Japan for 40 years… and learned that everything my grandma ever told them about being Chinese was entirely made up to make them do things… he’s got that kind of chutzpah.

Left entirely to my own devices, esp for a fellow Catholic, I’d wear a black dress. But this will be outside at night, in the yard… the puffy seems wrong, but gosh darn it. I guess what I’m asking is not so much what the traditions are… but how to do this vague fake tradition thing my family does… what’s a good made up thing to do? Lol. ‘Too Chinese’ will be wrong, but so also will ‘No Chinese.’

rachylou

Veteran

And thank you all for the condolences. My aunt had a friendly sense of humour—the only one! A good person to sit next to at family gatherings.

rachylou

Veteran

I may have worn black and red for my grandma, but I don’t remember. I have blocked the super weirdness from my memory. Whatever I wore made them happy, but I really don’t remember.

rachylou

Veteran

… and one more: it will all be close family and NONE of her blood relatives. Well maybe one niece.

bridgie

Veteran

rachy, I just want to say I am sorry you have to go through all this turmoil. It's just not fair, but I know you want to do whatever is correct.
And you know me well enough that I have absolutely no idea what to suggest. However, you are very much in my thoughts, and I believe the other great fabbers here will help you sort through this.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I’m sorry your dinner companion is gone. What a situation to be in, consulting the Google about your family’s made-up tradition! Pity your mom and brother aren’t available for consultation/remembering about grandma’s event. Cell phones are a thing.

Wear the puffer. Blame it on the weather—no one has to know you are actually enjoying the puffer. But are you weighing puffer vs black dress? Why not both?

Oh, and you’re looking for a thing to do that adds into the evolving tradition? I’m scratching my head, trying to remember Catholic funeral things, but it has been a very long time. How about a food offering? I have no idea how to do that, but wiki says it’s a thing in some parts of China. My son’s father is from a place far from China that does food offerings to the ancestors. Whenever he put food in the trash, he called it making an offering to the ancestors.

rachylou

Veteran

Thank you, Bridgie. That means a lot to me.

SF… I guess the black dress feels like it might be too formal. I don’t want to be uncomfortable or make anyone uncomfortable, if you know what I mean. I have the idea they’re seeking informal formality. I suppose I could call my brother tomorrow and get him to get our mum to turn on her phone… the food part is taken care of… we’ll be eating my aunt’s fave dishes… which I gather will be incensed…

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Maybe a different black dress? Like a sweater dress with yarn tights? Or is that too informal?

rachylou

Veteran

Actually that would be great, except I don’t have a black sweater dress and this is Wednesday night. It will take me an hour to get there… actually more, because traffic. No shopping thusly… but I’ll have to think… maybe I can… fake that too… lol. Mercy!

approprio

(website)

Veteran

So sorry for your loss. Paying your respects is important. And good grief, don’t family funerals have a way of turning into tragi-comedies. Remember you are there to honor Auntie and not the rest of the clan.

Do you have a full or midi skirt you could wear with boots under a hip length puffy?

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

“Formal informality” sounds like Ralph Lauren to me, even if they do channel it through Lands End. What’s in that huge preppy side of your closet?

As far as adding a Catholic touch, how about taking a rosary? If you’re inclined to wear it like a necklace, try a crucifix instead.

ETA +1 to Murphy on the holy water and CarolS on how to work in the pink/red.

Sisi

Veteran

Dear Rachy, I am sorry for your loss. Aunties are so precious.
Since Auntie was catholic, I would follow some catholic rules.
I like your idea of wearing a somber colour and bring colored flowers. I think the puffer is fine. I would invite a priest for a blessing and a prayer, but that's just my opinion (I am catholic).
Anyway, whatever you will do it will be right.
Sending hugs.

Murph11

Veteran

Thank you for sharing, Rachy. My thoughts are with you.

You will be more comfortable outdoors in your warm puffy. Add a nice scarf to make it “fancy.” A modest size bouquet would be nice, with a small framed photo of your Auntie. And the Catholic in me would bring a vial of holy water to sprinkle (on the flowers, photo, or make the sign of the cross on yourself if you’re inclined).

PSA: it’s never too early to WRITE DOWN your own funeral/memorial wishes so your family and loved ones don’t awkwardly plan for you!

Inge

(website)

I really have no advice at all, but also wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I agree that the flowers are a lovely touch.

Bijou

Veteran

Rachy, as a Catholic, I can say that whilst wearing black is traditional MANY people do not stick with the traditions even for funerals in churches, just being there is what matters.

Wear your puffer if that is what is most comfortable and perhaps bring a photo or an item that you have that reminds you of your Aunt to share with others. As for flowers, I would bring whatever flowers you think she would like. My Mother was buried in a cemetery that had wild kangaroos roaming around and my Mum specifically asked that for her floral arrangement be one that would be good for kangaroos to eat - as they really love eating them.

CarolS

Veteran

I am sorry for your loss, Rachy. I agree you will probably need the puffer. If you can put together a black T neck and skirt with it, maybe that could work? I would personally consider trousers, but not sure if you will feel that would not be formal enough. Do you have a scarf with pink or red you could add under the puffer? Pink or red gloves? Family weirdness is the worst.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

My condolences, Rachy. It’s very sad, and I wish you and your family strength.

Lots of good advice from wise Fabbers. If it’s outside, I absolutely agree that you keep a black puffer handy.

Tanya

Veteran

I am so, so sorry to hear about your Aunt, Rachy. Sending you hugs.

I am completely clueless when it comes to cultural expectations in both Catholic and Chinese cultures, so I will leave the question of attire to others.

RobinF

Veteran

What about black pants, with the puffy? Less formal than a dress and warmer

As a Catholic, I agree with Bijou. Black may be traditional but many don't follow that. When my mom passed away this summer, her favorite color was red so we asked any who were interested to wear red in her honor and many did. She would have loved it.

Anonymous

I would probably take direction on all topics from the gracious hosts of the memorial as to what they think is appropriate, maybe volunteering some ideas if I had them but deferring to theirs.

You can have your own memorial for your aunt and there is no time limit. I am not a member of an organized religion but I am pretty sure lighting a candle at a church is a Catholic practice. Or you could think of her while enjoying a food, activity, or anything she especially liked.

Katerina

Veteran

I am so so sorry for your loss, Rachy.
I cannot offer any good advice on the attire unfortunately - I don´t know really, but your idea of black and brown and colourful flowers sounds good to me. A black puffy too.

Aquamarine

Veteran

As a Catholic, I will reiterate that funeral-appropriate clothing is no longer all-black (at least in the Northeast U.S.). Subdued, yes—unless color is specifically asked for by the family.

Graveside, there is usually a basket of roses for mourners to place on the casket or urn. So I think bringing flowers to your service is especially nice.

rachylou

Veteran

Maybe I will go with the black and brown then. A pink shirt under a brown sweater or a scarf. I’m debating pants. I want to wear them because of the weather, but it also feels a little casual for me, esp if I add the puffer.

But y’all have shaken me awake a little. Bringing a priest with me would be out of bounds, but I absolutely could ask for her to be remembered at a mass(!)

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