Why you want to look fab (revisited)

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Angie is co-founder of YLF and its resident fashion stylist.

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Why you want to look fab (revisited)

— by Angie

on December 24, 2009

The question I posed last week — “Why do you want to look fab?” — generated a lot of very interesting responses. Not surprisingly, many readers saw fashion and style as an opportunity for self expression, whether that was expressing confidence, respect for others or one’s own personality. Several people talked about the way looking fab on the outside enhances the way they feel about themselves on the inside. The reaction of others was also a big factor.

Then there were some fascinating reasons that I didn’t touch on at all: looking fab as a catalyst for social interaction, the feel of great garments, and the process and ritual of looking fab as “me time” in a life where so much of the day is focused on the needs of others, for example.

Here are some excerpts from the comments:

“If you don’t care about yourself, why should anyone else”.

“I also like to dress well out of respect for others, or for the situation”.

“As a blind person, one of my primary goals is to be able to function in the sighted world and interact with my peers without feeling at a disadvantage. My clothes are a crucial way in which I help to define that interaction. For me it’s not enough to simply have clothes that don’t clash and aren’t marred with stains. If I want to be accepted in the sighted world, I better dress the part”.

“People are nicer to you when you’re dressed well!”

“I’ve concluded that the reason I want to look ‘fab’ is because I have decided that I am just as important as everyone else in my life”.

“Putting on a cute outfit (even when I had to practically force myself) was part of my journey to regaining my self-respect”.

“For me, how I dress is an expression of myself and my personality”.

“It gives me stuff to talk about with other women, like my coworkers. Basically, I don’t like to go out to bars and fancy places or watch girly films, but I feel like we all have our love of style in common”.

“The visual yes. but also the feel. the feel of a lovely material against your skin. the feel of solidly made quality boots cradling your feet. satiny, silky, soft, caressable, they’re some of the things that make clothing so vital to life”.

“It may be shallow but I wish to project the qualities of my character which I consider important”.

“Learning to dress well has turned out to be a great form of therapy… it has also done wonders for my body image too, so I’ll add that reason”.

“I am afraid my need to look fab is deeply rooted in wanting to fit in, and avoid horrible embarrassment!”

“I am a quiet, reserved individual, but I enjoy people. My clothing items and accessories give people a reason to approach and speak to me, which means I can enjoy interacting with people even while they are the ones doing the initial approaching. I’m working on becoming more outgoing and expressive, but in the meantime, anything I can do to open the door to others and then be receptive when they approach, the better that is for me too”.

“As a stay at home mom of two young boys, getting dressed and doing my hair is my ‘me’ time”.

“I’ve realized that caring about style doesn’t take away from anyone else’s happiness, it may even add to it in a small way. It doesn’t have to get in the way of helping others, in fact it makes me a more powerful advocate”.

Food for thought.

Individual Style

15 comments · Add a comment

Maya

Veteran

Americans in particular seem to have evolved a cultural virus of simply not caring about their appearance because, in a very roundabout way, it is considered noble and respectable to look like a hot mess. I have never been to any other country in which our degree of apathy towards appearance is acceptable. Nowhere else does attention to personal style and grooming carry so many negative implications: It’s only for rich upper-class city-dwellers and totally self indulgent people. The hard-working middle class is too busy putting food on the table and taking care of their families and communities to be bothered with such trivialities. That’s the kind of reverse snobbery I sense, at least.

Personally, since I started paying attention to my appearance, I have felt MORE incentive to be out and about, and more motivation to work on improving myself in any way I can. When you look good, you naturally want to share it with others, which makes it anything but self indulgent. Others may not care for your particular style, but whether they admit it or not, they always appreciate the effort. Wanting to see beauty in everything is completely human, and I do not understand why so many people suppress that need.

December 24, 2009 at 10:08 am

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Yes please, food for thought, I have totally over indulged on the other variety.

December 24, 2009 at 10:37 am

LoP

Veteran

I don’t think I could comment on this earlier. Why I care has a lot of reasons. I can’t imagine myself not caring about it.

– It’s so much of who I am.
– Respect for myself, others, occasions, work.
– Feeling energized in the thought process.
– Adding fun to the daily routine.
– Self-expression and creativity outlet.
– Because I can… …and I’m grateful for it.

Wish you a wonderful holiday season!

December 24, 2009 at 11:55 am

carissa

(website)

Active Member

I want to look fab so I feel fab.

December 24, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Nicole

I didn’t comment on the last one, but here is this:

I don’t look fab.

I fall into internet cycles where a few stray clicks opens up a new genre of websites. I absorb them greedily for a few months, then wander away. For a while it was picblogs (which inspired me to take art back up). That led naturally to food blogs (from which I picked up the ability to make macarons). Then, somehow or other, I found myself on Audi’s site (fashion for nerds) and clicked a few links in the sidebar. That was a few months ago.

I guess bits of the style blog world have rubbed off on me. I dress very… well, I guess slovenly is the word. My mom would say, “you look like an orphan!” Jeans with paint stains and all my jackets had charcoal dust on the ends of the sleeves. I had a few nice things. I try to wear them, now.

And then I thought, well, I’ll dress nicely three days a week. So I did. I got up and put together cute things at least three times a week, and I wore them. I had all these things smuggled in my closet and I made use of them. I even bought some more. Three times a week became two. Two have become one. People reacted favourably to me dressing up and I noticed the better attitudes people had towards me right away.

I like dressing nicely. Emily M. (from Some Girls Wander) looks exactly the way I’ve always wanted to look and dress in the back of my mind.

But for some reason I don’t keep it up. I don’t know if it’s my usual sudden-loss-of-interest, but although it felt nice, it felt very un-me-like to dress up.

So I don’t look fab. I wear crap to the office that most people wouldn’t wear to Wal-Mart on a weekend. Today as I type this it’s jeans (stained, ha, with macaron batter), a tank with a hole in the hem, a hoodie, a peacoat dusted with cat hair, five dollar flats from a discount chain. No makeup. My hair is lank for some reason today. I have on a beret, but just to keep my ears warm.

So I ask you (after that HUGE POST): you have all these motivations. Several people suggest that they link looking good to self-esteem. Maya suggests that those who don’t put effort into their wardrobe may be trying to make a point of their own. I’m not sure how I feel about any of those things. I like being treated nicely because I wear better things, but at the same time it worries me that I have to dress nicely to get that treatment. I think I’m also afraid it sets up a standard for yourself that makes it hard. What about on a day your shoes aren’t the right ones, or you just plain don’t feel like dressing up and jeans and a hole-y tank it is? Are you inferior on these days? Do you feel worse, then?

As an artist I enjoy the aesthetics of style and clothing and used to enjoy runway fashion as an art form before I discovered this side of clothes. I derived an intense, almost physical pleasure when I first started combining the neglected things in my closet, which was the same pleasure I get from a balanced logo or a sweetly simple line drawing I produce. But I don’t know what it is that I’m missing that would make me care about my appearance. I want to dress, to put it crudely, like I give a crap, but I’m not sure I DO give a crap. 3

To be honest, sometimes, although I find this world of blogs fascinating and I’ll never regret having been introduced to Daddy Likey and Already Pretty as both hilarious and hugely inspiring, I sometimes DO wish I’d never discovered style blogs or any of this stuff. Humanizing “looking good” as opposed to limiting it to magazines and shallow girls in high school has made me feel, not better, but WORSE about myself. I never before thought that by wearing whatever was clean and close to the bed in the morning projected an image to people that I hated myself, or had nothing to say about myself.

This was a huge post. But it’s relevant to the topic, I guess.

Advice?

December 24, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Nicole

By the way, that post was in no way intended to suggest that any of you guys are shallow or something. This entire community seems to be one of the friendliest, most welcoming and caring I’ve ever encountered. My problems with my identity are mine, I know that, not the style world. It was just the style world that happened to trigger the introspection.

Just wanted to say that

December 24, 2009 at 1:32 pm

Maya

Veteran

Interesting post Nicole. I appreciate your honesty.

Reinventing your style takes time and effort. It’s a bit like going on a diet. If you don’t have the motivation to change, then no one and nothing can force you to. If you don’t “give a crap,” as you say, then that would be the end of it. Nothing left to explore. However, it doesn’t seem that way to me. If that’s how you really felt, you wouldn’t be here. Perhaps, also like a diet, you need to be held accountable to stay motivated.

I have a few thoughts on what you wrote:

-I’m curious as to what your standard of “dressing up” is. Personally, I don’t usually dress up. It doesn’t work with my lifestyle and it isn’t a prerequisite to good style, but I wonder if what I wear is dressed up from your perspective. Is it wearing something other than clothes with holes and cat hair, or are you really pulling out all the stops? If it’s the latter, you might be going too far for comfort. If it’s the former, that is an insanely low standard to set for yourself and that is partially what contributes to the idea that people who dress sloppily lack confidence and self worth–whether it’s true or not.

-You asked “What about on a day your shoes aren’t the right ones, or you just plain don’t feel like dressing up and jeans and a hole-y tank it is?” To the first question: If you have a reasonable variety of shoes that are comfortable and reasonably good looking, you don’t have to worry about the right ones. That is what building a functional wardrobe is all about!

To the second question: Jeans are fine. We love jeans on YLF. But a holey tank top? I would never *want* to wear that. Comfort comes from the outside and inside, and there is no way I would be emotionally and mentally comfortable with holes in my clothes. Yes, I would feel worse wearing that. It takes no more effort to pull on a shirt that fits and flatters than a shabby one with holes, right?

On days when I want to be comfortable, it’s easy as pie to pull a casual dress or tunic over my head and stick some leggings on. That’s actually *more* comfortable than jeans and a tank top.

-You *do* have something to say about yourself, you’re just not saying it visually. As an artist, I’m sure you know the value of visual communication. It sounds like you design logos. A good logo says something about the company, person, or organization, right? Similarly, your clothes visually communicate about you.

-You said you pulled out some treasures from your closet. So was there a time when you dressed a little nicer? Where did those clothes come from?

To be clear, I don’t think all people who dress poorly are making some kind of statement. If anything, most aren’t making any point at all. I just think that is a broader cultural issue. I’m sure if you grew up in a European country, you wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing what you are wearing now because it isn’t culturally acceptable. You simply would have never started wearing shabby clothes in the first place.

When I told my Swedish host family that the kids on campus wore pajamas and sweats to class, they were nothing short of appalled. None of them were obsessive fashionistas, but they looked pulled together, well groomed, and decent.

-It seems like you might be thinking of your goals in the wrong way. It’s not about how many days a week you “look cute.” You should look decent every day. How far you go can vary. Not everyone cares about fashion and style to the same extent. For some people, they just want clothes that fit and look clean and that’s it. Even that says something about you though: It says you care. For others, like myself and Angie, they want to take it as far as they can. I want people to know something about me just from looking at me. As a graphic designer, I know very well the power of visual communication and believe in it with every fiber of my being.

This is very long so I’ll stop here, but those are my initial reactions. In short, I think you need to set a goal, take it slow, and hold yourself accountable and if necessary, have an outside force hold you accountable (the YLF forum is always there if need be). Hope that helps in some capacity.

December 24, 2009 at 4:40 pm

journey

nicole, perhaps you are simply an artistic, creative soul who is moved toward a wilder, more bohemian style of dressing? some people can wear paint stained, well worn, holey clothing and look incredibly wonderful. it’s all about how everything is combined. perhaps if you keep searching you’ll hit on the style combinations that are so “you” that you can’t wait to get dressed in the morning, every morning.

Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year to everyone!!!

December 25, 2009 at 7:54 am

malcontent

Maya, your first post resonated with me. I agree that looking unkempt has become a point of pride for some and I find that a discouraging trend. I also agree with your point about reverse snobbery. There’s a cachet in not caring what one looks like, at least among my cohort of graduate students, and a disdain for those who do dress appropriately, as if brushed hair, proper undergarments, and clean clothes are only for the rich and frivolous.

December 25, 2009 at 7:56 am

Johanna

“If you don’t care about yourself, why should anyone else”.

What a sad commentary on our culture.

It’s one thing to have personal style, but to morph it into an ethical system of beliefs only indicates the microscopic world a person appears to live in.

Wow, looking fab isn’t about anything more than feeling good about yourself and how you look.

To read anything more into it, beyond a career as a stylist, for example, makes it seem pathetically shallow and sad.

To read that in this economy and this time of year? wow.

December 26, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Phoebe

Nicole, it seems as if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. It´s perfectly OK to dress your way, if it´s the way you want it. I´m yet not sure if your pressure stems from fashion blogs (sometimes it´s a good idea to push the off-button…), or if you are putting huge pressure on yourself. IMHO your problems are elsewhere….
Fashion is fun!! If it makes you depressed, there´s something wrong – but again, I think your caring so much about what others say is a hint to another problem.
I wish you a happy new year.

December 27, 2009 at 6:46 am

Linda

Very interesting comments, Nicole.

One thought I had is that maybe dressing well for you is like having a lovely, clean, organized home is for me–I like having those surroundings, and I guess I would feel better, but my utter loathing of housework prevents me from achieving it. Is that what you mean?

Or–since, as Maya said, a T-shirt with holes and stains is surely not necessarily more physically comfortable than one without–is it that most of the time you don’t feel up to putting yourself out there as someone who’s trying to look good? It’s more emotionally comfortable to make it clear that you weren’t trying to look good in the first place, so you aren’t failing?

Honestly, I can understand why you feel put off when asking people why THEY want to look fab elicits pronouncements about what OTHER people are communicating when they don’t try to do the same. But in the real world, I don’t think most people are looking at the people they see on the street, in the grocery store, etc. as if they’ve opened their clothing choices up to judgment the way people do when they post their outfits on a blog. And if they are judging, you’re not likely to know about it anyway. So the stakes aren’t really as high as they may seem after you’ve fallen into a little vortex of reading style blogs. You know, maybe some days you DON’T have anything to say about yourself via your clothes. But some days you do. You really don’t have to be accountable to anyone else about this. Hugs.

December 27, 2009 at 9:48 am

malcontent

To be clear, there is a distinction between looking stylish and looking well-groomed. It’s of no matter to me whether or not someone keeps up with trends but I would like to see people looking well-groomed in public. I do not mean elaborately decked out, just clean, combed, and wearing clothes suited to the public sphere. That is, not pajamas, not underwear as outerwear, not stained sweatshorts, and not t-shirts with vulgar phrases printed on them. It is simply depressing to go to places and events and realize that the other people attending didn’t think it worth their time to brush their hair or put on clean, tailored clothing. In my opinion, the refusal to engage in even minimal grooming betrays a lack of respect toward others and devalues whatever event is being attended. And this devaluation has an effect on everyone, because the dwindling number of people who do bother to dress appropriately for events are now left to feel awkward and self-conscious. It’s telling that I sometimes feel overdressed in jeans.

Quite frankly, I am tired of going to class and finding some of my fellow students wearing stained gym shorts and t-shirts printed with rude phrases, hair hanging in snarls past breasts unconstrained by any undergarments. I am tired of going seeing guys wearing slobby shorts, dirty baseball caps, grubby t-shirts, and a week’s worth of stubble to evening receptions. I was brought up to find this behavior disrespectful and rude. It’s like putting one’s feet on the dining table in the middle of dinner and I’m afraid arguments about comfort and such are not going to convince me otherwise.

December 27, 2009 at 1:49 pm

slythwolf

(website)

When I feel good in my clothes, many of my other insecurities melt away.

January 19, 2010 at 10:15 pm

slythwolf

(website)

Nicole, this is totally a shot in the dark, but it’s possible you may have ADHD. I do, and without medication and treatment and a long, long process of making it part of my daily routine, dressing well and putting together outfits was just too much for my scattered mind. I also have always done the kind of cyclical couple-month-long intense interest in new topics and then moving on, and could never figure out why; I would go on “kicks” of different things and/or periodically (when I was in college it was usually at the beginning of a semester) decide that this time I am going to reinvent thing A, B or C about myself, but then just kind of taper off because it was too much to keep up.

When a woman on another blog mentioned some things in passing that resonated with me, and commented that they were a result of her ADHD, it all clicked into place for me: here was an explanation for what I had always thought was inexplicable. This may not be that for you. I may be full of it. But I thought, if there’s a chance I’m right, maybe this could be as helpful to you as that other woman’s post was to me.

January 19, 2010 at 10:26 pm

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