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Pushing against the inevitable urge to shop

viva

Veteran

Hi everyone! I've been very scarce for the last month or so but I have been reading blog and forum posts. (Angie, your "favorite outfits of 2015" was fabulous.) I'm writing because frankly, I'm looking for some help this year.

2015 was ultimately a pretty big shopping year for me. I completely updated my collection of booties and jeans, cornerstones of my wardrobe, and I weeded out unwanted knitwear and tops and made replacement purchases in both categories. Also a couple of dresses. The upshot is that when I look in my closet, things seem more robust than they have in a long time, and I love most of what I see. I would have a hard time finding things to consign. And if I counted, I know I have more items than I did a year ago. So I have plenty, and I have good things. As Carter would say, I have enough.

What do I need? Snow boots. That's really all that is on my list right now. (And I only need those because, when we cleaned out the house this summer, we apparently threw them out. But I digress.)

My problem is that I am a bit afraid of YLF and fashion blogs right now because I am still attracted to shiny new things, even though I don't need them and really don't want to buy them. I'm thinking I need a creative way to motivate myself to work with what I have much, much more aggressively -- because there is a lot there. The idea of "shop your closet" doesn't really resonate with me, I'm not sure why. Any wisdom out there? Any thoughts? Has anyone successful pushed back the shopping impulse without disappearing -- or is that the only way to do it?

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Staysfit

Veteran

Here's how I'm doing it and it is working so far. Everyone is different. You need to know about how and when you shop. My habit is to Internet shop. I found a substitute for the time spent shopping that I enjoy.

1. I set up a debit account and strict budget. I can only spend what's in that account.

2. Instead of shopping, I am reading books. (Book lover here!). I still read blogs obviously, but I limit my time.

That's it for me......

Anonymous

Hi, Viva, not sure if this helps, but I was able to break my own shopping urge just by thinking of the upkeep involved in each new piece: a bigger laundry pile, dry cleaning bill, need to keep track of and store, etc. Each piece I added beyond what I needed started to seem like a physical and mental burden for me.

I am a bit different to you in that I came here with the specific purpose of getting style advice for the pieces I have, and to try to cull my wardrobe if possible (haven't been as successful at that). I look at members' WIW and new purchases as a way to evaluate what might be similar in my own closet and see if I can style it in a new way.

I realise this may not be helpful for anyone who has come to YLF as a wardrobe building aid, but perhaps a shift in perspective to view the site differently might help? It might require taking a short pause from the site to "reset," but the site is a richer place IMO for having you here. You are one of the members who has helped me so much with my own style, given that my issue is lack of confidence in my ability to put together outfits. I'd hate to see you leave, though I understand so well the rewarding feeling of having new purchases. We all need to do what it takes to meet our own needs.

unfrumped

Veteran

Maybe 2 questions in there:
Finding outlets other than shopping, and whether one can mix that with YLF partipation.
Stay in Off Topic?
Remixing and accessorizing?
I love remix blogs and posts and closet clean outs, but they're not exclusively" no new items".
I've wondered if it would be helpful for YLF have such a " safe zone" heading for a topic. But that might be seen as negative snd of course, stuff you are remixing could still be " new" and wantsy for me, etc.
photos are a big goal of the website, but non- photo posts are less shop- stimulating and maybe more conversational. Like this one. Photo- free zone?
Spend some time on minimalism sites and photos of pristine closets?
Seems not as hard to do some partipation in selected posts or post your own musings, but hard to read a lot of WIW and new item posts, with or without commenting.
A lot of people have been this route, so will be interested to see suggestions.

Anonymous

I am pushing back on shopping (due to Christmas fatigue). I have no intention of abandoning YLF or any other fashion blogs. Although I am aware that some blogs push products harder than others.

I find my impetus to shop is triggered more by boredom than anything else. When I start to shop online websites, I consciously close my computer and put it in another room. The very action of removing the computer puts an end to shopping.

Aquamarine

Veteran

Not sure if this helps, but I make liberal use of Nordstrom's Wish List. I'll put items there, visit them occasionally to see if the price changes, read any new reviews, etc. Eventually the item will sell out or a bad review will crop up, and you know what? I find I don't care for that item anymore. Nor am I upset that it's gone. This virtual shopping is a harmless hobby, and it helps me hone my needs vs. wants pretty painlessly.

Anonymous

Chiming in again to say again how hard it can be to break brain habits. I was always a minimal wardrobe person until body changes forced me to buy a new wardrobe, and I found it hard to break the "reward" cycle that created. I found Charles Duhigg's book helpful in recognizing and shifting triggers:
http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780812981605

My own response of viewing wardrobe items as potential burdens might not work for you, but perhaps there's another approach, like Staysfit's good advice, that resonates with you.

Joy

Veteran

I came to YLF while replacing my whole wardrobe after weight loss. Shopping became important because I was starting from nothing. When it was time to stop shopping, I had a very hard time. One thing that helped was knowing I had enough and it was time to upgrade all those thrift store purchases. Angie had spoken of one in-one out to control the number of hangers, so when I asked myself what I would get rid of in order to purchase the piece I was considering, I was less likely to buy.
I am also staying away from big sales and thrift shops where there is too much temptation.

Liz

Veteran

You'll need to deal both with the habit of shopping (what triggers it? What else could you do?) and with the underlying cause for the shopping, if there is one.

Shopping can scratch an itch that has nothing to do with clothes (we're bored, stressed, dissatisfied, feeling insecure, sad -- whatever). If something like that is underneath your shopping, then a clothes-based solution, such as remixing outfits, isn't going to work.

approprio

(website)

Veteran

Nice thread! I'm constantly fighting the urge to shop. Did you know it's addictive?

Here are a few things that work for me:

Raising the bar. I try to get dressed properly every day. That way, if I'm wearing something really good when I just "happened to be passing" that particular shop, anything I see has to be as good, if not better than whatever I'm wearing.
Setting standards of quality and provenance for new acquisitions. See 1.
Stalking high-ticket items. I often set myself the goal of a particular piece which I will then look forward to buying at a particular moment in the future. If I see something else I like in the meantime, I ask myself if I want it more than the thing I've set my sights on.
Shopping online only occasionally. See 3.
Making stuff. This really, really helps, but I do appreciate it's not for everyone. If I see something I like, I consider making it instead. I get to be really specific about the outcome and I usually get results.
Repurposing and altering things I already have. See 5.
Playing the closet. This is not the same as shopping the closet. I like to make time once in a while to try out new styling ideas with old favourites.
Treating shopping expeditions as research and not beating myself up for missing out on something. I've walked past numerous things I've later wished I'd bought, but I've learned to chalk it up to experience.

All in all, I try to engage with clothing as a lived experience and how I like to look. In other words, I focus on enjoying being well dressed and not on of dropping the cash and coming home with something new as an end in itself.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Happy New Year, Vivian! So great to see you pop in.

Like Joy, I came here absolutely needing to shop! Finally, after five years I have "enough" (though there are a few categories that could use some rearrangement). But despite all that, I recognize that I will likely be replacing/ upgrading about a third of my wardrobe per year if I want to stay current. Some years a bit more, some years a bit less -- depending on body changes, fashion, and lifestyle change. But that's the reality.

In other words, it doesn't mean no shopping. It means judicious shopping.

Even if you've had a big year of shopping, you probably are going to have to replace an item or two (to wit, your snow boots, and by the way, if you find them, please please please let me know...I am in the market and have tried on multiple brands and styles so far with no luck...more arriving at my doorstep today, I hope...).

So perhaps if you can simply focus shopping energy on those items?

But this may be a psychological issue. I always find it difficult to say NO NONE to myself -- I immediately start to rebel. I'm a "moderator" rather than an "abstainer" by nature and balk at extreme proscriptions. Maybe you are an "abstainer"? If so, the solution for you will be different than it is for the likes of me.

But if you are a moderator, reminding yourself that you will in fact be doing some shopping after all might be helpful. It might also allay guilt about said shopping.

Now that I have worked out that for my size of wardrobe and life situation, about a third will need replacement due to wear or upgrading due to fashion changes per year, I have a ballpark figure to shoot for in shopping in the future. I only learned this through analysis, by the way -- counting wears of items for a year, counting number of items in each category for several years.

If my 4 season wardrobe were much larger than +/- 120 items (including outerwear and footwear but not PJs, exercise gear, or undies), I would probably need to buy less each year. If my wardrobe were a lot smaller, I might have to replace/ upgrade a bit more (due to greater wear on some items).

I am pretty lucky in that I don't really think about shopping when I'm not actually engaged in it. I might "collect" an item on YLF or put it in my online shopping cart, but I don't hit the "buy" button right away; instead I let it sit there. If I am still actively thinking about an item several days or weeks later and have imagined a bunch of outfits with it and especially if it would genuinely fill a niche (or replace an outworn item) then I will consider buying.

An example for me this year was my Club Monaco silk dress. I saw it at full price in the store and fell in love. I didn't try it on because I knew I did not need a summer dress like this. DID NOT NEED. And it was pricey. So I left it on the rack. But I kept on thinking of it. It didn't help when Annagybe posted it as a possible bridesmaid/ wedding guest dress and Angie had her thumbs up, having seen it IRL, too.

But I was smart. I left it alone. There it sat in my Finds for months.

Then it went on considerable sale and a further discount. I noticed it only because I was buying (also on sale) a pair of leggings from CM. I was STILL thinking about it -- and I had a new event to which I could wear it. So I pounced. Really great purchase at the price and I wore it 4 times before the season ended.

I also have a pattern of shopping in "binges" -- about 4 of them per year (seasonal, I guess) and this protects me from much shopping at other times. I might pick up a scarf or accessory but focus on other things when I am not shopping. I still read Angie's blog and sometimes the forum (although I did that less this year due to life constraints). Instead I return to my work, my reading, etc.

I don't know if a similar solution would work for you? I think perhaps this problem is sharper for those who have always seen shopping as a hobby. I never really did and in fact had to learn to enjoy it. I do enjoy it now thanks to YLF but that is new for me. It might mean everything I say is sort of meaningless to you!

In any event, show me your snow boots.

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Elizabeth P

Veteran

Following.... I'm going to be in this place very soon. I've purchased more clothes in the last couple of years than the rest of my life put together I think, and it's time to stop. Time to enjoy. I'm not saying total ban, but close... but I know the temptation will start to build. I hope I can use YLF as motivation to work with my own wardrobe and cut down on my lemmingness. But if not... hoping some thoughts generated here will help me too! Because I do NOT want to leave.

viva

Veteran

Really great thoughts and advice so far.

Liz: Why do I shop? Boredom can definitely be a factor, even though I have several passions (walking my dogs, reading, good TV, drawing, gardening in season, etc.) -- but most of those are solo activities. I think shopping + YLF = social activity for me, which does scratch an itch. (As a solo business owner, I spend a lot of time alone.) Getting more involved outside the house is an aim for this year, so maybe that will help address this need.

Staysfit, Joy, Aquamarine, Sterling: Great practical suggestions, some of which I have done, and some of which I need to try. Close the computer, use a wish list, one-in-one-out, the debit card. In fact, the debit card is absolutely my approach but I really have to stay within it this year.

Unfrumped: I really like the word "remixing." I'm going to use that as my dressing theme -- it's exactly what I want to do more of. And I'd like to find a way to continue contributing to YLF and not just hang out in OT. Let's see if "remixing" helps me do that.

Aliona: Your comments were very, very powerful. Thank you for the suggestion that I consider "a shift in perspective to view the site differently." My husband and I have been talking a lot lately about acting with more intention in all aspects of our lives, and I think that can apply here, too. Thinking about YLF for me as a site that can guide my remixing rather than as primarily a shopping site will be a huge change for me.

viva

Veteran

Approprio -- LOVE #s 1 and 3, especially. #1 is a revelation for me the way you have articulated it (and I say that while sitting here still in my workout gear). Doing anything while really dressed raises my game -- why wouldn't it make me a more astute shopper? And, #3: stalk higher priced items in order to avoid the trap of buying low-priced things "just because..." I'm going to immediately adopt both approaches. And also play more in my closet.

Suz, I am definitely a moderator not an abstainer. But -- as Aliona mentioned in her comment -- I think I need a period of resetting, so I am planning to keep January purchase-free. Sort of like a juice-cleanse for my wallet. January was a big purchase month for me last year so there will be something very meaningful for me about having the opposite experience this year. And then I want to incorporate a lot of the approaches I have read about here to help me be more thoughtful about why and how I shop and purchase this year.

Elizabeth P: I am with you, sister.

Thank you, YLFers. You are such an insightful bunch.

Colette

Veteran

It's not easy but here is what is helping me, I simply keep a list of items I need/want and shop from the list. Attaching a budget to each item is also helpful. I keep the list in my notes on my phone so I always have it available. I evaluate every purchase and really challenge myself not to buy unless it is perfect. If I stumble on something that really peaks my interest, that is not on my list, I consider it, maybe even try it on or put in my shopping cart if I'm online and walk away. My test is if I can't stop thinking about it over the next few days. If so, I allow myself to go back and buy it. Thankfully I go back less and less.

But then there are those times that my emotions take over my brain and my old shopping habits creep back. Those shiny new things are just so-so irresistible. I have to regroup and have a conversation with myself to remember that by using my list I'm winning more and happier with my purchases so it helps me to get back on track. Much easier said than done!

Helena

Veteran

Hi Viva - the struggle is real! I will chime in to second what Suz said about moderating vs. abstaining - if you LOVE to shop and have new things, and have the money to do so, then perhaps a full-on ban would be less effective than allowing yourself some limited amount of guilt-free shopping (you could book lunch and shopping with a friend once every month or two, or something like that). Sort of like allowing yourself one cheat day when dieting - it can keep you on track when you know you have an outlet coming!

As for the forum, what I think is great about YLF is that there is never a hard push to buy anything; as well there is so much conversation that is not about clothes per se - the more philosophical and psychological aspects of style. It might be an option to focus more on these topics. Another thought - if there is a particular forum member who always seems to inspire your shopping bug, perhaps stop following them for a while - I am sure they would be flattered to know that you will be consciously ignoring them for a time because you find their inspiration irresistible!

Finally, if you need a break, take one - I have done so several times (not for shopping reason, but just because of my general over-analytical nature can get a bit too jacked up at times!!) - and always found myself welcome when I return

Good luck!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Viv, THERE YOU ARE. Missed you. (Thanks for the kind words about my 2015 style).

You'll have to shop your closet if you don't want to shop. How else will you get dressed!!!

Lots of good advice here, and I'll add my 2 cents:

It's VERY common to feel like this after the holidays. The "juice diet" for your wallet is an excellent idea. You'll probably feel differently in a few months though.
Set a monthly budget and stick to it. Wait for the sales.
Get inspiration from others on the forum - or on the blog - on how to combine the items you have in your closet in new ways.
There's no free lunch. If you want to stay on top of your style but keep shopping to a minimum - you have to put in the work. Have a grand outfit creation session regularly and document new outfit ideas. Be VERY particular about what you add - this takes time and thought.
Remember that a new bag or pair of shoes does a good job of refreshing any style. Perhaps that's the way you'll go instead.

JAileen

Veteran

For me, shopping isn't the problem, buying is. I have enough stuff, too. If I feel the need to buy something, I put it in the shopping cart and leave it there for awhile. Sometimes the price goes down and sometimes the item sells out. I will go back and look at it periodically.

Anonymous

I am impressed with Colette's method. Assigning an actual budget for items on my want/need list would be hugely helpful.

Anonymous

I hear ya. And I also love approprio's comments - 1 and 3 in particular. So, so bang on for confidence boosting and reminding ourselves that we really look good and don't need everything flying past us .

You are iterating many of the reasons and thoughts behind my break from the forum this past fall. Personally I'm going to have to be careful about what I read and get caught up in in terms of member posts if I'm not going to drive myself crazy again. I know exactly what you mean about it being a bit of a social outlet too - as you know I'm in the same workplace situation as you are. I'm not sure I have any concrete advice - I think that you are already thinking beyond your former level of participation here and how things have changed in your life that mean new ways of using blogs. I'd not overanalyze it (my advice for everything in life - and if you need snow boots, go out and buy the $%^ing snow boots - end of discussion ) and move on to things that are more enriching (reading books - I agree!) . I don't for one minute mean to downplay the role of this blog/forum or to make it sound like a waste of time, because it's not . Use it judiciously and intuitively - and find the perceived happiness that we get from buying stuff in other ways.

Excuse me while I go off to follow my own advice - lol. And sorry about the 4 letter word snow boot rant

(p.s. shopping your closet doesn't resonate with me either )

viva

Veteran

Lisap: wish I could choose therapy, wisdom, AND comedy.

Anonymous

Ha.

Peri

Veteran

I can relate a little because I've gotten to enjoy looking forward to packages arriving! In general though, being able to stop shopping due to wardrobe contentment is what I've been aiming for and am close to. I don't really love it, even now after all this progress.

I'm never clear on what is really meant by "shop your closet" and so I don't know what part of that isn't working for you. But I'm always sad when people drop out of sight, so I'm all for you finding ways to stay involved here! In the past I've enjoyed seeing people do their own challenges. Elizabeth P did one a few months back. If I was going to do a challenge it would be something like wearing something different everyday, no repeats allowed. Or I would say I could repeat one element, but wear it with something different the next day. Is there a challenge that would be fun for you and let you focus on enjoying what you have?

Or another way to participate might be to reframe your role into one of adviser. There are certain forum members who seem to be really focused on helping, supporting, teaching, etc. They seem to do more of this than they do of actually asking for help. You would be good at that. Maybe you could focus on those threads that ask for help, and less on the ones that show the shiny new things. Moderating participation rather than abstaining. Yes, difficult, but if you don't want to leave, that might be a way to participate with less temptation. If you are in the happy place with your wardrobe, that is quite an achievement and I'm sure you have some good advice to pass on to those of us not quite so far along!

Gaylene

Veteran

I think YLF does offer more than just a shopping forcus, but there is no denying constantly visiting the site can lead to a lot of "I want that".

My approach was to limit the amount of time I spent on the site and to think "refresh" instead of explore. Angie's post today about the need for supporting acts is a good example of how one purchase can lead to many. To me, "refresh" meant an item already had its support team in place.

My other mind-set alteration was to play with contraction instead of expansion as a creative activity--exploration as a way of distilling and sharpening my style instead of expanding its boundaries. Sort of veering towards minimialism, but in MY way.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think boredom is a big reason for me with shopping. This past year I was out of the house working on a very different project for 4 months and barely had time to shop. Getting out of the house more is a goal for my 2016 as well! I will spend some money on new swimsuits this year as I sort of missed the entire swim season last year as I was working indoors.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Viva, I feel you. I find the urge decreases when I remove myself from the online world of fashion/style, unfortunately. That pretty much keeps me sheltered from the new items and the power of suggestion.

I also find adding things to carts without purchasing helps. If purchasing is necessary, then I shop online at Nordstrom's because of their return policy. I don't feel pressured into making a decision on an item quickly and the hassle of returning items via post prevents me from ordering too many items.

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Bonnie

Veteran

I read your post earlier and didn't comment but it made me think and now reading what members have posted since, I find that Peri in her last paragraph said very well what I thought to say. We, new members, really appreciate comments and visuals (WIW) to help us understand this really complicated process of assembling a beautiful, fun, workable, wardrobe. We all have different lifestyles and body issues and the more people that guide us, the more likely it is that we find something we can use to help us.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

P.S. I'm so guilty of the shopping from temptation that I actually *had* to order those darn blue metallic jeans Joy showcased recently in her festive capsule. I convinced myself since I wear jeans nearly every day, it was the perfect dress up choice for myself. And yes, they were on sale.

If they are not a 10 they go back though. At least (thanks to YLF) I know I will follow through on that now - I used to keep most things perfect or not!

Anonymous

I have been thinking about this throughout the day, and one thing came to mind about my own experience: this is why I love and read a million fashion (and other) magazines. I'm not in a store, there are no outside voices contributing opinions, there are just ideas and photographs and I form my own opinion of what I like and how I want to look. I actually almost never ask for other people's opinions on what I should buy or what would look good - and it keeps my curious mind at bay here on the forum, not getting involved in every discussion about some new choice. Where am I going with this? Now I'm not sure, but while driving this morning i was quite sure it meant something profound.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

What a great thread! Since one of my jobs is sorting for a thrift store, I go "shopping" several times a week. You would think that would kill any extra shopping urge, but actually it sometimes drives me to retail shops just as an antidote to too many tired old pieces of clothing. I do find looking at outfits does make me think "I need" and I have to rather firmly remind myself that I already have more than I can wear. I also recommend the habit book Aliona mentioned.

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