Well, we will be able to see the psychologist that our doctor recommends, so that's great. I took the first available appointment, which isn't until November 5th. The first appointment is for parents only, after which we can schedule an appointment for our DD. I guess that's as it should be, but it's a shame that it takes so long to get in to be seen.

I visited the psychologist yesterday afternoon, and it went quite well. I have a very good first impression of her, and she feels strongly that my DD is the type of person she can easily work with and help. She did say that the medicine my DD was prescribed is probably not the best one to start out with, so that's going to be addressed. My DD takes it and doesn't seem to have any side effects (except dizziness when she first started taking it), but says she doesn't feel like it's making a difference. Based on what I told her, she said she thinks the diagnosis of depression and anxiety (particularly anxiety) appears to be correct, and that she doesn't think my DD has ADHD. She did, however, say that ADHD is very hard to diagnose. There is a psychiatrist on staff, also covered by our insurance, that can help if needed. I find that very reassuring.

That's good news, bettycrocker!

That's wonderful. It sounds like you are off to a good start. It is hard to diagnose ADHD. My DS took a five hour battery of tests administered by a psychologist that specialized in ADHD testing before he was diagnosed.

Thanks! I feel so much better.

Great news! I bet you are feeling better yourself.

I just saw this. I'm sorry to hear about these troubles. If I can offer some words of encouragement, though: I went through a major meltdown in my first year of university, too, and I ended up being fine. I was depressed and anxious, and coped by not eating. Everybody wanted to help and I wanted them all to fuck off. I did eventually see a counsellor I liked, and it helped, but mostly what I think was required was time.

I was taking similar courses to your daughter, but for my program, calculus WAS required, so I couldn't drop it! Somebody mentioned something about higher-level abstract thinking stills taking until your late teens to develop, and I think that's true. The math and physics concepts that were mystifying in grade 12 were suddenly clear by second year university. It's like all of a sudden, it made sense. I don't think I was trying harder; I think my brain development simply caught up.

Sounds like she's getting the help she needs, so I would continue on. Counselling can really help. It sounds like a anxiety-type response to a stressful life transition, which is very common, and will likely pass as she makes this tough transition to adulthood.

I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks so much.

Things are really bad and I'm a wreck. My DD decided not to go to her follow-up appointment today. Worse, she texted me and said she hasn't gone to classes this week, etc. Very long story short, she's blaming us (her parents) for her problems and failures. Her 2 sisters know that isn't true, but we're at a loss as to what to say or do.

Betty, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a nightmare for you. Maybe the classes are too much for her right now.

This does sound like a nightmare for all of you! People who are depressed and anxious can have a lot of trouble thinking clearly. So hard to see an adult child suffer and not be able to help. Keeping you in my prayers.

Transitioning from high school to college is difficult and kids adapt at their own pace. Maybe her college choice was not the right one for her. In either case, it seems like she is trying to figure stuff out. She still needs her parents, but at the same time needs her independence. I know you have other daughters, but they are still individuals. What she says to you and how she really feels are two different things.

I hate to label people as depressed or anxious, because at various times in our lives we have all gone through these emotions. I saw it in my own DD during her first semester at college. She questioned her major and college choice, did not know anyone, and often cried to me for hours over the phone. Many other students drink heavily and thank goodness my DD does not drink, even when she turned 21 she turned down a glass of wine saying she does not have to pay tribute to her age with an alcoholic drink. So long story short, she dropped her education major and stayed with her math major and added a physics concentration (that amazed us since she never showed an interest in science), found some great non drinking friends, and has matured so much in the past 3 1/2 years, but still calls when she gets frustrated and overwhelmed. I just listen to her until she figures it out or asks what I would do in a similar situation.

It will take time, but with her parents' support your DD will get through this. Giving you a great big hug and to let you know we are all praying for you to stay strong during this time.

Thanks. I put in a call to find out if any of this has to do with the Paxil she's taking. The earliest I can get her in yo the psychologist is Dec. 10, and she missed yesterday's follow up appointment with our Doctor I feel like we have very little help right now, and it's overwhelming. She didn't want to come home last night and her sisters talked to her and convinced her that we're not mad at her. We'll talk to her after everything has died down, and give her space to sort things out.

Bettycrocker, sometimes teenagers are just angry (see my post upthread -- I was angry at everything and everybody at that age, never mind the fact that they didn't deserve it!). Being angry at parents and blaming them for everything is not an atypical response to stress -- and your daughter IS having a stressful time. She is not having the success she probably imagined she would have at university, and it's having a trickle-down effect.

Hang in there. Your daughter may not accept help immediately. Or she will give the appearance of accepting help, but will then quietly ignore everybody and continue to do what she's doing. She will pull herself together when she's ready to do it.

I really do believe professional counselling will help, as will the passage of time. But there's little you can do as parents to speed up the process, other than being supportive -- which can be VERY difficult, given that your daughter may resist everything you do. Best wishes. xo

bettycrocker…..maybe i'm out of placing suggesting this, but you mentioned that your DD missed an appointment with "our doctor", maybe she wants her own doctor. perhaps she feels that anything she says to the doctor will be shared with you and your husband and that makes her uncomfortable. is it possible for her to see a doctor at school? or a doctor at home, but not "our doctor"

Until she's 18, important information will be shared with us no matter who she sees. The psychologist wanted to meet with me before meeting my DD. That's the way it's handled.

Yes according to HIPAA you have access to all her medical records since she is under 18. I agree with kkards. She may not be honest with the psychologist if she knows everything said could be relayed to you.
But you also said she's in college, which should be a big step to independence and figuring things out on your own. You want the best for her, and this is really blunt, but I see some major "helicoptering" going on.

ETA, I'm a just a stranger on an internet fashion forum, so honestly I really don't know the situation.

I don't think it's helicoptering to seek professional help for my DD, and I resent the accusation. My DD came to me and said she needed help, and I am doing what I can to make sure she gets it. That's a parent's job. What's more, my other DDs and my DH are all in agreement that she needs therapy.

I did manage to get in touch with the doctor on call to ask what to do about the Paxil, which may be making things worse. I was told to hold off for their weekend. That doctor is going to relay my concerns to our PCP so I can get direction from her. Meanwhile, my DD has slept most of the day away and is clearly not coping. She does this a lot.

I hope to get her in to see the psychologist sooner. She has an appointment, but it's not until Dec. 10 - the earliest date available. I did make it clear to their psychologist that I respect my DD's privacy even though she's still a minor, and that I only need to know about things that would harm her. I don't know what else to do at this point. She can go to all of the sessions by herself. I don't mind. I just hope she goes.

This is hard on our entire family.

I just thought I'd mention that one of the big aspects of going from child to adult is realising you're in charge. When you're a child, your parents are the end-all, be-all. Everything you have depends on what they feel like giving you pretty much. It is very VERY difficult to get out of that habit of mind and grab the reins yourself because it's so foreign. As a parent you have to bite the bullet about it.

Just sayin. Also this is a long haul thing, with anxiety and so forth. So you know, Betty, strap yourself in... I can tell you about my neighbor...

I can't imagine how hard this is on all of you. Hang in there!

Our family is still trying to understand anxiety. It's not something that goes away. According to the psychologist, though, It's something that can be successfully managed. I don't like labels too much, either, but this is something that must be confronted and dealt with, the same as any other disease or illness. I wish there wasn't such a stigma with depression and anxiety. I'm sure my DD is struggling with that as much as anything else.

I had problems with (social) anxiety around that age too (with 19). You're right that you can learn to manage it and with time it gets easier and easier to do that, but to do that you have to accept it. And you can only accept it, not understand it. It's completely irrational after all and you know it even while you're feeling it. My mother never got why I felt that way or why I acted a certain way. She looked for rationality and reasons that just weren't there. Also agree with what some people said, I would have never opened up in therapy if my parents would have been told any details. A big part of my problem was feeling worthless and as if I was disappointing my parents expectations by having these problems and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I still have problems with that even today. Sometimes I need people to remind me that the decisions I make about my own life shouldn't be dependent on my parents thoughts about it. And I'm twenty five years old. It sounds to me as if you're looking for a clear cut solution to this problem but I fear there isn't one because anxiety isn't clear cut.

Astrid, I value and appreciate your input. You're right that we may never understand it, but I want to try as best I can because I love my DD and want to see her overcome and be happy. My DH and I had a long talk with her today, and it seemed fruitful. I made sure to tell her that the therapy sessions are confidential. She seemed visibly relieved to hear that. And when I said I believe that anxiety is an illness just like any physical illness and should be treated as such, she gave me a big hug. I think she lives in fear and needs to feel love and support. She also can really benefit from therapy, and I hope we get the medicine situation resolved.

My poor neighbor has debilitating vertigo. After a decade of trying to get medical treatment she finally got some - and then the medical group cut ties with her insurance. She has now been assigned a cardiologist for a PCP and is getting advice like 'lean the other way' when you feel dizzy. In any case, anxiety disorder runs in her family and she suffers from that too, and it doesn't help that she has reason to feel anxious - it's confusing. She has reason but it's also its own thing. Everything that Astrid says is completely recognizable to me. We've walked our dogs together everyday for years and every day is the same exercise. But that's ok. One thing I've learned is that we all have feelings we misattribute. Interesting enough, I'm a type 1 diabetic - when my sugar is normal, my patience decreases... !!

She is a very young college student. It could well be that time and maturity would go a long way toward helping her cope. Is it possible for her to take one semester off to get herself sorted? Missing class will only heap in the stress when she goes back.

Tina, we've been discussing taking the semester off, using a hardship waiver (or whatever it's called). The problem is that if we do that, she will have too much free time on her hands, which is bad. She's making As and Bs in the classes she's taking right now, and the course load is not stressful to her. She's stressing over the two classes she had to drop, even though her father and I have repeatedly told her that she was taking extremely hard classes and that it doesn't mean she's not smart or capable. It just means she overshot and needs to take a step back to reassess and come up with a different plan. We've advised her to try to get through this semester with passing grades so that she doesn't close the door to getting back in to this university in the future. She may need to take some classes at the community college instead, and that's perfectly okay with us.

I feel sorry for her. It sounds like she has just taken on more than her young mind can handle. The difficulty with teens can be their inability to grasp something coupled with a fierce desire for independence. It sounds as though you and your husband have given her very good guidance. She may not see it now but as time passes she likely will. Sometimes by the time it gets to a crisis point there are numerous factors that are contributing to the behaviour. I am also of the mindset that labels can hinder progress and the ability to overcome. I understand the need for a diagnosis in order to put a treatment plan in place but given her age and present cicumstances, time, guidance and support may be all she needs to overcome. All the best. Seeing our children in pain and dire circumstances is just plain hard. I had to do this, to an extent, long distance. Our daughter was several years older than your daughter is now.

Our two oldest DDs graduated early. One didn't go to college at all. No amount of friendly persuasion or counseling could get her to go. The other one started college at 17, just like our youngest DD, and has done magnificently well. Our youngest DD is perhaps the smartest of the 4, but is a perfectionist and gets really stressed out whenever she doesn't perform well on a test or whatever. Of course, we didn't know that moving her ahead like we did would produce this result, and we have told her that it was a mistake on our part. But the reality is that she's finished with high school, has already clepped out of her first year of college, and has plenty of time to take classes she likes to offset the difficult ones. We are encouraging her to exercise (she likes to exercise), join clubs, etc. to combat the depression. Staying in her room is not the answer. I'm also allowing her to adopt another cat. Actually, she volunteers at the pet store and is able to foster a cat, which is great because if that cat doesn't get along with the cat she already has, she can take it back to the store.

Good news! I just got a call from the psychologist, and she is offering to see my DD tomorrow afternoon on her day off! Our PCP also called and said she can go see her this afternoon. I can't begin to say how relieved I am. It's been so difficult to get help.

For what it is worth, I don't think you are helicoptering at all. She is still very young and dealing with anxiety and depression should not be where she begin to be independent. She is lucky that she is staying at home and has a wonderful support system.

Thank you, catseye! I'm about to tear my hair out right now because she doesn't want to go to the appointments.