How about you buy him a nice pair of INDOOR flip flops? They can be kept in the car and only used when indoors (at other peoples houses). KInda like your boyfriend's version of slippers, but still his style.

In Canada we routinely have a "No shoes in the house" policy. That excludes slippers and indoor shoes, so if he showed up at my house and put on "indoor" flip flops and left his others at the door I'd be good with that. I'm sure his other hosts would be too. It's about trying to keep the slush/mud/dirt outside of the house around here.

I think he wouldn't object to that, if you bought him something in his style.

First I have to mention that I laughed when I opened this thread because I hadn't looked at it before now because I thought it was about styling boyfriend jeans, and I had nothing to offer on that subject.

Now that I see we're talking about an actual boyfriend, I do have a thought.

On the thing about going around someone's house barefoot (which seems to be your top concern) I guess I'm perplexed by the issue. He's only barefoot because the hosts have asked him to remove his shoes. I think that if the hosts expected for everyone to wear foot coverings, but not their outside shoes, they'd either ask for this explicitly, or better yet, offer socks or slippers to their guests. If the hosts are sitting around judging him for being barefoot, while asking him to remove his shoes, and not offering him a covering? Then I think they're the rude ones here. And if the hosts don't have a problem with his bare feet, then I think majority rules and you should let it go.

Here's a suggestion, next time you're in that situation and the hosts ask you to remove your shoes at the door say "Oh _____ didn't bring any socks or slippers. If he drops his flip flops at the door he'll be barefoot in your house!" and see what they say. If they offer him a pair of socks, he'll know this is truly their preference and he'll probably bring his own next time. If they say they don't care if he's barefoot then you'll know their preference and can let go of the idea that he's being rude.

That's pretty much how my husband dressed when we were younger, unless we were going out somewhere special. I addressed the issue by buying him some nicer tees and over time, as he's aged, he started wearing better fitting clothes. His wardrobe is still pretty casual, but that's the life we lead.

We also go shoeless in the house as a rule, so bare feet are pretty normal to me. But I like the suggestion of indoor shoes for your bf.

ok let me try being a bit clearer with the whole no shoes/bare feet thing lol

yes, when we visit someone's house around here, they almost always require shoes to come off at the door. and yes, that includes his flip flops. he always complies and just goes barefoot, and I know our hosts are okay with that, because they rather his bare feet on their floors than his outdoor sandals. so no, they're not judging him for being barefoot in their house.

that's not the point though. It's about pleasing me. I don't want to sound selfish, but I've said I don't like the whole bare feet look on him, or on any guy. when I visit these houses and am wearing my flats or sandals (without socks obviously), I change into slippers. Why can't he do that? or wear socks? I've even brought a pair of socks for him once when we visited a friend of ours for dinner, and he actually refused to wear them and just walked around barefoot for the entire dinner party. Like cmon. My friends all have bfs who wear socks in the house, I'm stuck with the guy whos obsessed with being barefoot. He even told me 'I like kicking off my flip flops and going barefoot at peoples houses'. Why can't he wear socks or slippers to please me? Is that so much to ask? I'm not asking him to change his style....

it just annoys me because he knows how I feel about it and just tells me to stop interfering with his comfort. this is really just a minor request, no? if he wanted me to change something small about my style, I would.

and for the record, I'm not saying he always has to wear socks and cover his feet. I don't care if he's barefoot at home, or if it's just the two of us. but in front of company, I'd rather he put something on his feet. Guy feet are not pleasant to look at, and his are no exception.

you guys don't honestly think those outfits in the pictures would be greatly improved if he was wearing some nice ankle socks?

Hmm, maybe the real issue isn't about style, or even going barefooted when visiting friends? Maybe it is about pleasing you? And that's not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship as long as it is a two-way street. Asking your partner nicely to not do something that bugs you isn't the same thing as trying to change him. After 40+ years of being happily married to a wonderful man, I can think of lots of adaptations that both of us have made just to please the other person. But the key is that those changes were made by the person willingly and without coercion.

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't understand your visceral reaction to bare feet in other peoples' homes? From your description, it seems like others don't have this reaction, so maybe it's just your quirk? Instead of masking the quirk as dislike of his overall style, or calling his feet ugly, or nailing him on bad etiquette (all of which can be hurtful), try taking ownership of your quirk and ask if he would be willing to give you some leeway on this issue. Don't force, but ask.

If he refuses to even consider your request, then you have to ask if this issue is important enough to eject him from your life. If the answer is no, then let it go but if ignoring your requests is habitual, then he might not be the right person for you.

He knows how you feel about it, he has said he is not willing to change to accommodate those feeling. The next move is yours: Your choices are (a) accept him as he is, or (b) break up with him.

Are you familiar with internet columnist Dan Savage? He says there are two kinds of undesirable characteristics in romantic partners. One kind, the minor but annoying things you can live with but don't really like, he calls "the price of admission." Things like "he leaves his dishes on the counter instead of putting them in the dishwasher," or "she leaves her makeup all over all the surfaces in the bathroom." Things you've asked your partner to change, but for whatever reason the change is not forthcoming. Irksome, but not serious enough to break up over. If you really like this guy and think the relationship is otherwise worth having, then putting up with the way he dresses is going to be the price of admission to this relationship.

The other kind of undesirable characteristic is the Deal Breaker. Things you just plain can't live with. An extreme example would be abuse of any kind.

I think it's clear that your boyfriend isn't going to change his style for you, at least not now. So the question is: Is this a Price of Admission, or is this a Deal Breaker? And only you can decide that.

But note: Constant nagging to change something about yourself that you don't want to change? That's gonna be a Deal Breaker for a lot of people. Just sayin'...

ETA: I see you have already said this is not a deal breaker for you, and you are just asking whether we would want him to change. Honestly? I think he's adorable, he's obviously very young, you say he dresses appropriately when the situation calls for it, and the only issue is the bare feet. I'd totally leave him alone at this point.

^^YES! To everything MsMary said!! (I love coming across another Dan Savage fan ).

I agree with MsMary on this one. Over time, this thing about him being barefoot may be something you live with and ignore and accept or it may add to other things that bother you and become a deal breaker.
After many years together (29), I have realized that these little things don't really matter but that is something you have to decide for yourself.

Wise words from Mary.

This reminds me of a scene in the last episode of Parenthood. Mrs Braverman said to her daughter that of her wedding vows, for better or for worse and for richer or for poorer were far easier than in sickness and in health. Sometimes I think we need to put the stuff that bugs us into perspective. There are things that bug the heck out of me in my marriage, but my husband is healthy and there for me. That's the stuff that really matters.

But maybe you could enlist someone to help you with the foot issue? When my husband and I first met years ago, he wore skate shoes with no socks and his feet stunk to high heaven on hot days. I was so crazy about him that I pretended not to notice. But my grandma didn't. One evening when we visited her for dinner, she presented him with a bag that contained scented insoles, foot spray and foot powder! It was hilarious and from that day on he took his feet more seriously.

Honestly, I think I would feel my partner was being a bit controlling if he wanted me to conform to his own personal quirk around something like wearing socks, at other people's houses who don't care either way (it's another thing to set your own house rules). Now, I might decide to do something in deference to my partner's wishes - but it would have to be my choice.
If it really just boils down to socks, you've told him how you feel. He disagrees. Give it some time. Maybe you are the one who needs to bend on this issue.

Poor boyfriend. Did you join this forum just to get thoughts on him because your only posts so far are on his style. Personally if I discovered my SO had posted two threads, with pictures of me, on the internet with the sole view of getting strangers to agree I look awful/have ugly body part I'd consider that a deal breaker.

But to answer your question, the cap would bother me because a military background means I have strong feelings on headwear, but hey that's my issue not his. The bare feet are fine (culturally I find wearing outdoor shoes in someones home much ruder).

The bare feet bother you because feet are ugly (to you) but he likes his feet out and doesn't want to change. This is your issue it seems. Is this actually about you feeling unloved? Like he won't try to please you?

Alternative compromise suggestion. How about if you treat him to a pedi so you know his feet are clean and well groomed? And be honest - ask him to indulge your quirk by attending said pedi

What MsMary said, a million times over. I don't think any of us can answer the questions you've asked, but I'm willing to give a framework to help you analyze it. So just to add, as someone who's been in a relationship for 21 years - the minor issues (and this is a minor issue) can demonstrate how you each would resolve conflict on major issues. And how you perceive things matters. So, if your Major Issue is his Non-Issue - i.e. if you equate how he dresses and how he reacts to your asking him to change as reflective of his moral character and compatibility as a mate - well, then you have a Bigger Issue.

Ok I think some of you are misreading my intentions here. First of all, can you stop making it seem like I'm nagging him to change his style? I'm just giving constructive feedback on the way he dresses. I'm not saying this is a dealbreaker, but yes, it is an annoyance, and I wish he'd compromise a little. Last night he flat out told me 'if the fact that I go barefoot a lot bugs you this much, maybe you should leave me'. So he'd rather break up with me than put a pair of socks on. do you understand that?

and why are you guys saying I have a quirk? Most people agree feet are ugly, especially guy feet. Can you guys honestly look at those pictures I posted and tell me his feet aren't hideous? Cmon, theyre big and ugly, who wants to look at that all the time?

And Gem, I'm posting pictures of him online so I could get good feedback from you guys and get him to improve his style. My intentions are good. I'm not doing this to make fun of him or whatever.

Hi Kate,
Mind if I ask how old you and your bf are? And how attached are you to the idea of staying with him and making it work out the way you like it, vs. finding a guy who's already interested in style and etiquette, perhaps even ahead of you so you could be the one learning and upping your game?

He's adorable....I wouldn't try to change anything People need a safe place to be who they are in a relationship. You could buy him some things that you might like to see him in but there is no guarantee he will wear them. When I buy something for my hubs I just say I think you would look nice in this but I would never suggest he change his style even though he dresses way to casually at times. I wouldn't want him complaining about my style. I have complained when he wears a holey 80s concert tee to dinner but then someone says something to him about the band on the tee and I get the "see I told you this is a cool tee look". When it comes to fashion I just concentrate on my style. Men are a bit rough around the edges and that's why we like them.

He's 28 and I'm 29. Why?

and I do want to stay with him. He treats me very well, and he is a great boyfriend. but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend this doesn't bug me. and his reaction to all this constructive criticism was kind of cold tbh...he told me he wants to be comfortable and if I'm not that bothered by his bare feet, maybe I should leave. who says that?

I'm not going to comment here again, since it sounds like you're looking for confirmation that you are right and he is wrong, which is not my place.

I do want to point out that even you may be confused about what it is you want from him:

Why can't he wear socks or slippers to please me? Is that so much to ask? I'm not asking him to change his style....

vs.

I'm posting pictures of him online so I could get good feedback from you guys and get him to improve his style.

Ok yes, it would be nice if he improved his style, but the wearing socks thing would be a good compromise for me. Makes sense now? I mean, can any of you honestly say you wouldn't be annoyed if you were dating him and he literally went barefoot every time you were visiting someone?

why would you stop discussing this? its a forum.

I think it's not really discussing anymore. Dozens have answered and you keep asking the same question. I think the idea that you are seeking validation for your point of view is spot on.

You're ...29? From the tone,it sounded like late teens.

Since you asked:
It honestly would not bother me if bf went barefoot every time we visited someone.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blo.....onships-2/
http://reology.org/2012/02/ind.....aya-tulum/
http://realtruelove.wordpress......ou-can-do/

HTH

I've read this thread several times because I kept seeing that new responses had been added and I must say that I'm pretty sure that by now the forum members are beginning to feel the same way that your boyfriend must be feeling - and to be honest it doesn't feel very good!

I don't think that you are going to get the response from the forum that you were hoping for - just like you're not getting the response from your boyfriend that you were hoping for. I know it's hard to accept the truth, but I suggest that you let this go and move on to something more constructive - for the sake of both you
and your boyfriend!

Omg, I'm not seeking validation. This is supposed to be a fashion forum, and you guys think he dresses nicely? Or you don't think it's a big deal if I'm at a dinner party with him and he's running around barefoot like a hippie?

he also always puts his bare feet up on their couches and everything (and on mine). NONE of you guys would have a problem if he was at your house at put his bare feet on your couch like in the pic? C'mon. In what world is that polite? You know in some cultures it's actually rude to show the bottoms of your feet like that

you guys didn't really answer all my questions actually. but fine, if you don't want to discuss this, i guess ill leave.

Im sorry you feel that way Katy, but feel free to come back once he's ended things and you need feedback on date outfits.

YLF isn't a style critique in a vacuum. It's a place where a lot of very differently wonderful women intersect. There's a lot of life experience here, women with decades of real-world relationship wisdom.

If you need permission to leave this relationship over these differences, I'm sure you could get that here. (That would actually be an interesting thread: what seemingly small differences put you off someone you once dated.) But YLF isn't about dissecting and criticising non-members clothing choices, the occasional winces over pleated trousers notwithstanding.

I just feel you guys are more focused on attacking me as a bad gf for posting his pics and asking for feedback on his style. I'm just trying to get him to dress nicer, why is that a bad thing?

why couldn't you guys tell me how to approach him about wearing socks? You're saying I should back off, but why can't he compromise? And why won't you guys acknowledge when he is wrong? for instance, going to someones house and putting his bare feet on their couches? he even tried putting his bare feet in my lap once and I told him off.

I would love for your BF to join in on the conversation here and share his perspective

why? he'd just say he wants to be comfortable. he's not interested in speaking about it with me. I told him relationships are about listening to your partner when they have something they want to say, and to make compromises.

I get that putting on socks seems like a very small thing and it would be so great if he would compromise. But he's made it pretty clear that he's not interested in making a change and that makes it pretty hard for us to give you good suggestions. I don't think anyone is trying to argue that he has amazing style, but that in our collective experience someone has to personally want change if it's actually going to happen. I really hope you are both able to see each other's perspectives in a way that strengthens the respect and understanding in your relationship.

Once is a suggestion, any more than that is nagging.

We don't do vicarious unwanted makeovers here, that's why not one is telling you how to make him do what you want with his clothing and body.

Try posting the etiquette parts of your situation here:
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/