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Does my boyfriend need a new style?

katemmcoy

Okay so I'm new here and I posted a thread a few days ago complaining about my bf's sense of style. You guys all gave me some great tips, and I spoke to him about it. He said he's very comfortable with the way he dresses, and would like it if I didn't interfere because he mentioned that he doesn't tell me how I should dress. That's true, and fair.

Anyway, I thought I'd have a little fun with him and ask you guys if YOU thought he needed to up his style. Maybe if enough of you agreed with me, he'll be motivated to change. I'm adding some pics...

Okay maybe it's unfair to include the one on the beach because I can't expect him to dress up there. he's dressed up a bit in the last pic cause I forced him to lol...but it's to show that he has potential to do it and he looks MUCH better!

so tell me what you guys think! and vote yay for 'yes he should change' or nay if no

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109 replies

Latest reply was from minimalist

abc

Veteran

He gave you your answer. I'm afraid this is going to be quite direct but if you don't stop trying to change him you might not have a boyfriend for much longer. I think instead you should work on your acceptance of him the way he is, clothes you hate and all. Sorry for the tough love.

katemmcoy

@abc I'm not saying this is a deal breaker. I'm just curious and want to know if any of you would have an issue with this. thats all

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think he looks like many young men do. Not a style disaster in any way. Ralph Lauren, no. Hugo Boss, no. But normal every day 20 something, sure.
I had a BF who wore a crazy bright tie dye t shirt to a fine dining restaurant. I was mortified, but realized it was HIM, not me, that was wearing it, and so be it. That was 20 years ago. We still had a great dinner. Dated for 7 years in fact.

Dee

Veteran

I think it depends on what he's wearing it for. If he's wearing cargo shorts to work in a formal office, that's a problem. If he's wearing them to hang out on the weekends, it might not be your cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with it.

And if he doesn't want to change, trying to force it will only make you both bitter. My husband dressed like this for a long time, and still does for casual days, but has slowly worked other pieces in over the years so he can dress up when it's needed (weddings, job interviews, etc), and that's enough.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

If he dressed like this for a formal wedding, or an important job interview, then that would be disrespectful. Otherwise, style is supposed to be fun. Leave him be.

katemmcoy

of course he doesn't dress like that for a wedding or interview, but wouldn't you guys care how your bf dressed casually too? Like, in that one pic hes wearing black basketball shorts and a brown t shirt. since when does that match?

and none of you guys would have an issue with the barefoot and flip flop thing? Nobody wants to see his ugly feet lol

Mo

(website)

Veteran

No I would have no trouble with it. My BF is 54 and his 'ugly feet' are out to see all the time when we live in FL and he's in Birks. Much bigger things to worry about in a relationship honestly. It's not stained or tattered. He looks fine. Really.

katemmcoy

maybe its just me but i hate guys in flip flops/sandals. i'm not saying I want to break up with him over it, I'm just venting lol. the worst is when we're visiting peoples houses and he ends up taking off his sandals and going barefoot. it's just kinda gross imo

Elly

Veteran

He is cute. He dresses a little young considering you've mentioned he has an office job, but time off is time off. Picture 5 looks like loungewear and not "outside clothes" especially with the underwear showing, which IMO is not appropriate on anyone--- I wouldn't have a problem with it otherwise. His flip flops are nice quality and his feet seem well groomed. I live in the west, and we have a lot of men that wear Keen sports sandals, Chaco sandals, or supportive flip flops a lot of the year. It isn't my favorite look, but I don't blame guys for wanting to wear them, especially people that have to wear boots at work. I think what throws me off the most is the hat worn half off his head, but inside in the house. My SO wears a hat everywhere, including work but still follows military guidelines about his cover and will take it off if we are at any restaurant of any formality, will take it off at any event, and will take it off at anyone's home unless it is a very close buddy. I could see asking my BF to pull his pants up or to not wear a hat indoors because those are manners issues, but probably wouldn't fuss at the rest unless he showed up at a work event of mine underdressed or was affecting his own work performance.

That said, he seems like he has said his piece. When I first met my SO I wasn't thrilled with some of the things he wore. I pointed various things out a couple times, but he wasn't comfortable with changing at that point. After we'd been together almost 2 years he decided that he cared about what I thought and cared more about his appearance and kept things in mind when he refreshed his wardrobe. He still dresses like him, but with clothes in better condition and with better fit, has a few sharper pieces, and is respectful and dresses appropriately when he attends my work events. I showed him respect by backing off, and he has done the same by considering what I find attractive on a man and respecting me by dressing appropriately for activities with my friends or at my work. I do the same, even if it means basketball shoes!

katemmcoy

^Thank YOU! and yeah, I told him to pull up his shorts after that pic was taken haha. at least you understand that I'm not trying to force this on him, I just want to encourage him to dress nicer. is that so bad? and yea, he always wears a hat. I don't mind the hat indoors so much...

Joy

Veteran

I wonder if his feet have been uncomfortable in shoes in the past or if his feet perspire a lot so that he doesn't want to wear shoes. Maybe some bad past experiences are influencing his decision.
The hat worn indoors would bother me a lot more. Some places that is considered rude.

Elly

Veteran

For the record-- my SO wears graphic tees, cargo pants, cargo shorts, and softshell sports jackets with sneakers, combat boots, or flip flops almost exclusively. He works way more than 40 hours a week in a uniform which is dress slacks and a very warm button down shirt, sometimes with a tie, includes constrictive elements and requires heavy leather shoes in all weather. Another part of his job requires slacks, dress shoes, dress shirt and a tie (visiting clients). We live in a very casual part of the world and he runs very hot and he wears his flip flops from april to october. He respects me by never wearing gym clothes or PJs as real clothes and wearing clothes in good repair that fit well. I respect him by doing the same and letting him be. Occasionally I buy him nice clothes that he will wear to a work event for me or a date night. When I first met him he was very against letting me dress him or by him clothes, but now he trusts me not to try TO CHANGE WHO HE IS and what makes him comfy. So, he wears a lot more styles and colors now because we have found him fits that are comfy and feel like him. Plus, he respects the fact that I am a shopping wizard compared to him and always find the exception to every rule (like when I introduced him to the magic of slippers, when he had always thought they were too hot--- natural fibers for the win!).

katemmcoy

Elly, that sounds exactly like what I need to do with my bf. I don't want to change him either, I just want to find him alternative clothes that he's comfortable in. He never wears PJs as real clothes either, but sometimes he dresses a little too relaxed (like in pic 5 and 6).

omg maybe I should find him some comfy slippers for when we go over to peoples homes. What does your man do when you guys visit people and he has flip flops? Most people here make you take your shoes off at their house, and I hate when my bf just goes barefoot lol. I'm gonna get him slippers for when we visit people.

Elly

Veteran

I also think a lot of flip flop guys find these very comfy--- not that much dressier, but they keep the toes covered! http://www.zappos.com/sanuk-ba.....v_1http://
http://www.zappos.com/sanuk-ba.....d_sims_v_1

rabbit

Veteran

To be honest, my guy I've been with about 20 years still dresses pretty much like this minus the hat on his downtime, and I think he looks cute that way. He has a stressful job, and he's more 'himself' in these kind of clothes working on his bike or relaxing at home, so I'm all for it, home is where you put your feet up after all. I also like his bare feet, since they are part of him, and I'm fond of all of him.

So you can try out the slippers in a sweet way, and work on what he wears to events if he's dressed a little down for certain occasions, or you can talk about cultural differences (I understand people with different backgrounds can have really different takes on bare feet and hygiene and what is considered polite), but I'm not sure you will get anywhere if it's just that you think his feet are ugly.

jennifer

Veteran

I think one problem is that you are trying to change him. He does have a style - sporty, casual. I suspect that you have more of a classic elegant style . One book that describes some style arch types is " Fabulously You" . The author listed six overall styles people generally fall into. The types were listed as : Sporty( casual ,functional, RATE, often slow to adopt new styles in fashion unless it falls in the gear catagory. Many will wear a garment until it is a rag possibly beyond if worn for automotive or yard work.) Fun and Play driven.
( ps. My dad is a Sporty)
Romantic( men's is termed Bohemian) I don't remember all the descriptors or examples for the menswear side on this one. Feelings driven.
Traditional ( clean cut basic,somewhat preppy) family oriented
Classic/Elegant ( more sharply tailored, elegant ,many newscasters, lawyers, work is their primary focus in life .think Cary Grant, or maybe Richard Gere )
Dramatic ( rock stars, attention seekers, David Bowie , needs the spotlight)
Trendy chameleon-like , change able. I can't think of a guy example but Madonna for the women's example.
Basically people have their own style and it exspresses their personality . If you try to impose your personality over someone else's - well that's just RUDE. Would you want one of your parents telling YOU that you had to dress in a certain style type ? Frilly ruffles and bows and patent Mary Janes ? Sexy beauty queen looks? Regimental catholic schoolgirl look? And if you didn't then what? Some emotional blackmail?
Now if you want to help him in HIS style , you might get him some jeans that aren't torn up in a dark wash or black . Some good athletic shoes like Merrells that protect his feet and are good hiking shoes. Good quality hiking pants ( long cargos ) but that fit his frame . Wanting a good quality for your guy, and a good fit so you can better appreciate his great looks is appropriate. Eventually making sure that a SMALL dressier capsule is there for him ( probably a fitted dark suit appropriate for weddings, funerals and interviews ,single breasted most likely) Men have it easier for formal events - a tux rental .
If things were reversed and he wanted to change something in your wardrobe would that be okay? If he saw you wearing 4 inch heels and tripping or spraining ankles and wanted to get rid of some Manolos for more sensible shoes that you could run around in would you be offended or feel loved and cherished?

Echo

Veteran

He seems to dress like a normal young man. And if he is anything like my DH, I can guarantee all the encouragement in the world won't change him; criticism most certainly won't. I knew DH was casual when we married. Over the years, I would buy him things here and there with the idea that when he wore them and received compliments, he would be inspired to wear similar things more often. Know what? He never wore them. I can't say I blame him, as he used to buy me jewelry that was absolutely not my style and I didn't like to wear it, either.

Couples should bring out the best in each other, but you need to start by accepting who he is first. He has told you how he feels. I'd consider the subject closed.

Oh, and by the way, DH and I have been married almost 20 years. His style never changed or improved, but he's still as handsome as ever. He is who he is, and I'd choose that over a smart dresser any day.

katemmcoy

If he had a problem with the way I dressed, I'd listen and consider making some changes. I don't think he needs to change everything to please me, just certain things. like I keep saying, he could bring a pair of socks when we visit people. We had dinner at someone's house the other night and he's running around the house in his bare feet. It bugs me. Is it so much to ask him put a pair of socks on?

I know he likes to dress relaxed and casual, and that's fine, but some changes can go a long way. like, at least match your colors (black and brown dont go). take your hat off sometimes. wear socks, and maybe put on a dress shirt sometimes...you can wear a dress shirt with nice shorts and it'll look good. I'll check out that book.

Jen W

My husband recently became interested in updating his style and I'm enjoying helping him hone his look. But we've been together for 9 years and I've waited for him to come to me. Your boyfriend looks like he's dressed age and occasion appropriately, and it is way more fun when they want the help and you can be on the same team.

katemmcoy

Occasion appropriately? Since when is it appropriate to go barefoot when you're having dinner at someones house?

Marley

Veteran

You've received a lot of good advice here already! I just wanted to add that it doesn't really matter what any of the rest of us think about the flip-flops, going barefoot, or wearing black and brown together (which, by the way, is a very on-trend color combination right now - Angie writes about it in one of her recent blog posts.) What really matters is what you think because you're the one who is having to look at him and be with him.

IMO it's a relationship issue - not a style issue. The two of you disagree about the way he dresses so you need to figure out a way to 1) either live with it and accept it (and him) - or 2) leave. Changing his style (without him being motivated to do so) is not an option.

katemmcoy

Marley, I said before he doesn't need to change his entire style. I'm just asking for some minor adjustments to please me. if he wanted me to change something small, I'd do it for him. like I said, why can't he wear socks when we visit peoples houses? is that really the same as me asking him to change his entire style?

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Agreeing with everything Marley wrote.

"Occasion appropriately? Since when is it appropriate to go barefoot when you're having dinner at someones house?"

What you think is appropriate & what your BF thinks is appropriate are obviously very different things.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think everyone is trying to suggest that being hung up on something he does (or doesn't do) and expecting him to change it is a losing proposition. It seems you are steadfast in your no barefoot stance. It seems he is not. This isn't a style issue really - it's compromise and communication and relationship dynamics.

katemmcoy

Caro, there are obviously certain things most of us can agree on with respect to etiquette though. Like, you don't eat with your mouth open. how was it appropriate for him to go barefoot in that setting? the host made him take off his flip flops, fine. I brought house slippers. he could do the same. he knows how I feel about this too.

katemmcoy

Mo, I am not. he can go barefoot at his house or whatever. why does he need to do it at peoples houses?

Elly

Veteran

In any relationship the two people in it are different-- how you chose to work together to give and take or allow the differences to coexist is where all the magic happens.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I happen to agree with you I think that being "appropriate" shows respect to your hosts BUT your boyfriend doesn't share this view & telling him he is wrong will only make him dig in more. If he is the sort of person who puts his own comfort before the comfort of the other people in the group - well - I guess that tells me something about him as a person

Sal

Veteran

I am not going to chime in with much advice here as I think it has all been said, however in many cultures it is expected that you will be barefoot inside or maybe wear socks in winter. I don't have this rule but often when I go to dinner or visit friends it is expected that you take your shoes off at the front door. I agree that dirty or smelly feet are gross but clean ones are fine.

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