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Depressed or just unhappy?

rae

(website)

Veteran

We have a fair amount of psych people here, and also some of you have been brave enough to share thoughts on and experiences with depression, so this is the safest place I know to bring this up...

A lot of things have happened in both personal and professional life lately, so much so that I can't tell where the root of my angst lies. All my nightmares seem to involve my mother and work and guns/hostage stuff, so I have no idea if I'm relapsing from previous depressive moods due to added stressors or what. I saw Dr. Shrink once before he left for vacation, but he's been gone a week and still has over a week to go.

This has been going on for multiple months... crying on the way to work, feelings of hopelessness, random crying in the museum, having trouble finding joy in anything (even fashion, sob). On the work front, feeling really used up and beat up and unloved by The Powers That Be. A few of us have felt the same way and aired grievances with questionable results. On the home front, just angry and sad for my sister who still tries at having a relationship with our mom, and sad that I can't do anything to help either of them in this case.

Dr. Shrink said that if I want things to change, then I have to change. He also said that everyone he's encountered who works in sales long-term has turned out super bitter. Sounds like he thinks I should move on, but that might mean giving up styling, which also makes me sad.

Anyway, my question is whether this sounds like normal work stress or if it sounds like faulty brain chemicals. I sort of want to ask about medication, but I don't want to treat the symptoms and not the problem.

Thoughts? I really appreciate anyone who has read this far. I know it is not so fun to get involved with someone who is not so fun.

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86 replies

Latest reply was from Aida

Neel

Veteran

I have no advice for you but I know how you feel. Hugs to you dear Rae.

The only thing I would advice from my own experience is to take care of yourself. Sometimes you just have to think *Damn you stupid world* and do what you love the most. Do you think a small weekend getaway kind of thing might help? Sorry I am no big help I know Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Have you considered that it might be PTSD in addition to depression? You certainly went through a terrifying situation, and sometimes the effects can be felt much later even though it feels like things should be back to "normal" by now. I would discuss the possibility of starting medications with your psychiatrist and/or doctor. I would consider that before ditching a career that you really love. It sounds like you have so much stress at work and with your family. I hope things get better for you and that you can take care of yourself. Lots of hugs Rae, you are not alone!

Adelfa

Veteran

Sorry you're having a rough time! Very sorry I would ask you to reconsider the idea that meds treat the symptoms and not the problem. Sometimes meds are needed long term because the physical imbalance is indeed the problem. And if one has a physiological disposition to a mood (or other) disorder, environmental stress always makes it way worse. I'm not saying that you need meds. But sometimes people with recurrent depressive episodes do. And unfortunately the more depressive episodes one has, the more likely one is to have one again.

I'd love to talk more. PM me if you want because I'm not spending a lot of time on the forum at the moment. Hang in there. xoxo

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

One of the key components to having a good theraputic relationship is "fit" - it sounds like the fit of your Dr. Shrink and you is not quite jiving right now. I don't know what he's thinking (not psychic), but I'm guessing he's trying to motivate you through CBT. (ETA - CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and very common in the USA because it's time limited therapy, and usually has reasonable results, so the insurance companies like it.)

The symptoms you are describing to me make me think there is more at play than a mild to moderate depression (the research shows that CBT alone can be as equally effective a year out vs. meds alone). Some of the things you are describing however make me think you may have a major depressive episode and you may require medication to help you get to a place where you can supplement with therapy.

Not having examined you myself, I am hesitant to give any "medical advice" aside from friend advice. I'd advise you get a second opinion. A fully psychiatric assessment by a doc you feel you have a good fit with and trust what they have to say. I agree with Natalie - it sounds like you have elements of PTSD (I don't remember the timeline of your trauma, but possibly an ASR - Acute Stress Response/Reaction if the timeline hasn't been met for PTSD).

I don't know your past psychiatric history, but like Adelfa mentioned if you're prone to depression, things like this can trigger another episode. If you've had one major depressive episode in your lifetime, the chances you'll have another are about 50/50. If you've had two, the chances of a third are over 70%. If you've had three, the chances of a fourth are over 90%. (ETA: I'm sitting at the 90% and unmedicated; but that's another story...) Also, don't forget that mood and anxiety are linked - if you're prone to being an anxious person, your risk of depression and mood disorders goes up too.

Does Dr. Shrink have a covering therapist you can see? I'm not sure how the american system works - but here, there is urgent psychiatry services manned by residents (you can come see me!) - and we'd fit you in within a few days, usually, as an adult. It might not be a very long assessment, but we'd give you our opinions and options for treatment with followup. Is anything like that available for you?

And if that hopelessness spirals to despair and you feel unsafe, or that you want to take your own life or hurt yourself, please go to an emergency department!! You are too special of a person to let unfortunate events hurt you for too long. I wish you could come and see me ... *grumble* ... but if you need anything or have any questions, shoot me a PM, k?

*BIG HUGS*

deb

Veteran

Speaking from personal experience, meds help me work through the issues when I feel like you are. I have learned that meds help my brain chemistry because I have a difficult time getting out of the funk. Once I am able to think straight without crying at the drop of a hat the issues, at home and work, are not as difficult a s I thought. It is also easier to let go of the anger, at myself and others.

AJ

Veteran

Rae, I have no advice, but wanted to give you cyber hugs and tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing here. I hope others will chime in their wisdom as some have already done. Please don't brush these feelings aside. Keep seeking the right solution for you.

xoxo

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I agree with deb - some sort of medical intervention/medication in the short term may help a lot as you deal with all the stressors. I am not a doctor, but uncontrollable crying, persistent feelings of sadness, chronic nightmares, all that stuff, sounds more like something that's turned into clinical major depression than something that's transitory and merely situation-based. There's nothing wrong, in this case, with treating the symptoms to give yourself a breather. (I agree with Adelfa - I mean, my blood pressure medication treats the symptom, not the problem. It's still better than letting my blood pressure go through the roof and harden my arteries.)

In my case, medication helped a lot because it gave me a break from feeling so damn sad, anxious, and unmotivated all the time. Then I started sleeping better, eating better, and doing some of the things that I wanted to have been doing but just couldn't make myself get up and do before. Medication isn't a panacea and it can be time-consuming to find the one that works the best for you with the least side effects, but it really can be a godsend.

Take care of yourself and know that we're all thinking about you.

Anonymous

Oh Rae, ((hugs)) I'm no expert I'm afraid and the other ladies have offered some great advice already. I have had mild to moderate depression for years and I'm always on a low dose of something to keep me on the straight and narrow. Could be that you do perhaps have some kind of imbalance at the moment that needs addressing. I Think Deb makes a valid point that clarity returns to your thinking once the clinical issues are a bit more under control; at least that has been my experience too. Keep us posted and take care.

MsMary

Veteran

Aw, hugs, Rae!! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this!

I don't really have anything to add to the great advice about meds and therapeutic fit and looking into the possibility of PTSD. But I want you to know I'm here on the other side of town, rooting for you. And also, a year ago I was feeling like you're feeling, and I'm feeling like a new woman these days so I'm here to tell you it can get better even though it's hard to imagine when you're in the middle of it. Call me or text me if you'd like some girl time!! XXX OOO

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I have no advice to offer Rae but I am virtually holding your hand.

crutcher

Veteran

Rae, I can't give you medical advice or a what you should do re/your meds and doctor...But I can tell you that when I am having the blue funks, I try to remember to be my own best friend...If you feel that things are too much at work, develop a plan to look around for a change ...Maybe the perfect position is lurking around the corner..You will never know if you don't look for it...From reading your posts, I know you have been under stress with the condo and the move..All of this takes away from you...Your love of style should direct you to the what next...Very simplistically, develop a plan to move forward..Hope you feel better...YOu are a delightful, stylish person and you deserve to live in sunshine not clouds...smile...

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Hugs to you Rae. I agree with what the others have said. I don't think this is a good time to make a drastic change such as moving on to a new career. CBT has shown to be an effective tool to improve quality of life but you may need a bit of help to get to where you need to be first. I suspect that is what the Dr meant about changing you - more a changing how you perceive and react to situations and inputs.

A good friend of mine was prescribed low dose anti-anxiety medication and said she felt it turned her world around and allowed her to focus on the issues. She was reluctant to try it initially as she felt it was "copping out". I am not suggesting you need medication but rather that you should be open to it as an option.

I hope you feel better very soon.

Mona

Veteran

Big hugs. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I agree with others in that meds can give you the strength to go on. Without meds, you may feel too sensitive about small issues. I do not see depression meds as treating symptoms and not the cause. Depression is caused by abnormal chemicals in your body and this chemical imbalance can be successfully treated by meds.
I am not aware of your history so cannot comment on PTSD related issues. I think the two Docs (GP and lyn) have you sorted there.
However, I want to comment on your family issue. Does your sister insist on having a relationship with your mother herself or does she insist you have the relationship with your mother? If she wants to keep seeing your mother and not drag you along, I think you should let it go and let her be.
I am not sure if this helps at all but I hope you feel better soon.

Kim

Veteran

Ray, I watched a low dose medication turn someone I love back into someone I love. She had gotten far away from the person I knew but I had no way to help her, I didn't even recognize it was depression. I thought she was just sad due to circumstances. When she started meds she improved immediately and quickly reverted to the person I previously knew and loved. I hadn't even thought that person had been missing (because it was a long slow process to get that far away) but it sure was good to find her again.

Losing your joy (for everything) is the the thing that stands out the most for me in your words. That's a classic sign of more than just sadness. Please do as Lyn says and see another doc. What if you do try the meds and they work? You've already tried toughing it out. Maybe it's time for another tactic.

((((Hugs)))) I wish I could be there and do that in person!

Eliza

Veteran

Sorry to hear what you are going through, Rae. You have gotten a lot of good input here and a fresh look at the entire picture could make a big difference. At the risk of sounding trite, people are indeed complex and a multi-pronged approach can be very worthwhile.

Every situation is different, so I am speaking in generalities. Anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs can make a huge difference when quality of life is depleted by low mood/energy or intense worry. Your circumstances as described strike me as beyond routine stress. I don't see therapy/medication as an either-or situation. If you have a propensity towards or period of low mood, it is something that can be managed with appropriate supports. There is considerable hope for improved state of mind. You deserve it and I hope you will connect with the professionals who can offer you the best support. Some psychiatrists focus almost exclusively on medication treatments, some on "talk" therapy, some on cognitive/behavioral therapies. It is important to assess all options and some wind up happy with a combination of providers. You may choose to continue with your current Doc, just seek additional consultation to ensure that all possibilities for the way forward are on the table.

If one is fighting physiology and being asked to change, it is not unlike being asked to train for a marathon 2 months after a leg fracture. While it is a noble goal, it is out of sync with circumstances. First one has to rehab the leg. I have seen people get on firmer ground day to day with anti-depressants, allowing effective treatment of other concerns to take place. A singular, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" approach is not one that tends to move a depressed person forward. I am sending good thoughts your way. All the best as you sort this out.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Rae, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. The others have already given excellent advice about medication, and I agree that it sounds like it might be time to give it a try. (Many years ago, I found a period of about a year on meds helped make the day-to-day stuff easier to cope with as I worked through therapy on some of my underlying issues -- being on the edge of tears all the time is exhausting and makes it harder to do any real emotional work, or even maintain your relationships or feel like you're doing a good job at work.)

Don't worry about a job or career change right now. I believe that even if you end up leaving retail someday, you can still have a very successful career as a stylist, since that is more your true love. You clearly have the eye and the demeanor. The retail work is your stepping stone on that path.

Mainly I just wanted to offer my sympathy and support -- I've been in that emotional place and it's awful. But I also know it can and will get better! We are here for you. Big hugs!

Kimberley

Veteran

Hi Rae ~ I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please do whatever you need to in order to feel better. Best wishes to you.

abc

Veteran

Hi Rae - I don't have any advice but wanted you to know you are admired and supported. Hugs.

BethL

(website)

Veteran

Hi Rae - i just wanted to offer some long distance cyber support, too. I have chronic depression with occasional episodes of major depression, plus anxiety. I'm on long-term medication which is, truly, a lifesaver. Those times when it seems like all you can do is cry are just awful. I've had them, too. Like Lyn said, you might want to see who's covering for your doc; another week or so until he comes back is a long time to wait. Take care of yourself, and hang in there. If there's anything I can help you with, feel free to PM me. xoxo

Niki Lea

Veteran

Rae, I'm so sorry you're not feeling good. You've been given some really good advice here. I just want to say that it can get better. There is a good life on the other side. I agree with Lynn that your current health practitioner may not be a great match if you're consistently feeling really sad/numb. Sending you big, big hugs. I know how hard this is for you.

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

I feel for you, big time. A couple thoughts spring to mind immediately.

1) When's the last time you saw your GP/OB? A messed up thyroid, the wrong birth control, pregnancy, ovarian cysts, etc., could very well explain some of your emotions and no amount of talk therapy can fix them. Worth ruling out.

2) A friend of mine once said "it takes a whole lot of depression to hold the anger in." I think as women we are taught that it isn't nice or permissible to show or even feel our anger, that it's wrong somehow. So we stuff it and then it leaks out sideways in ways that make us sick. If that fits, wear it with pride-you have the right to experience and release the anger for not being treated right, now and in the past. If that's the case (and it may not fit your situation at all), finding safe ways to express the righteous anger can provide tremendous relief.

3) The greater LA area is a hotbed of 12 step programs where you can find a lot of support for the family and work issues. CODA is one where it doesn't matter whether the family member who "qualifies" you is alcoholic, narcissistic, or just plain nuts. People there have experienced trauma and understand your feelings, even if they haven't been through your exact situation. And the price is right, a dollar or two if you can afford it. It won't replace a professional, it should work in concert with one.

Good on you for reaching out for help. That's so hard, takes a lot of courage. PM me if you want more info on finding a support group.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

((HUGS))). Life can be hard.

If you are happy with the current Dr. Shrink, try to hold on untill you can see him again next week. Treatment is best left to the professionals. If you aren't happy with Dr. Shrink - find someone else to speak to.

In the meantime, may I suggest distractions like exercise and yoga. They clear your head quite effectively until you can find more permanent coping strategies - or better yet - put a stop to the cause of the behavior. Spend more time with hubs and try to nurture yourself too. xo

Beth Ann

Veteran

Rae: So sorry you're dealing with this! I think there has been much valuable feedback already, regarding second opinions, etc.

What about your "community?" As important as good professional help is, I find that modern life has made it hard to develop the deep, long-term relationships my mom's generation took for granted. Do you have friends with "refrigerator rights?" It's a kind of humorous way of defining close friendships --- by noting the people who could get something out of your fridge without asking -- or in whose home you would feel equally comfortable. Sometimes I have to look struggling friends in the eye and say: "I'm someone you can call at 2am --- and you don't have to be in the hospital." As important as good professional input is, love and interaction with friends -- beyond our spouses or SO's is so central to well-being.

I have 3 intimate friends at the moment. Sometimes they enrich my life by helping me laugh, or pray, or play. Sometimes we problem solve. Sometimes, to quote one, they get "up in my chili," or hold me accountable to do what needs to be done. In 2 of the 3 relationships, I had to actively work to bring them beyond the "hang out / exercise together" level friendships that bring recreation, but no deep connection. I'm helped by the fact that my faith community encourages the development of small groups and one on one relationships intended to spiritually and emotionally sustain one another. My husband has one, too.

Where you are now, it might be hard to take the initiative to strengthen and/or deepen connections, but it's possible that some already exist, and someone else could already be trying to reach out without you realizing it.

Many blessings on you, Rae!

viva

Veteran

Just know I am thinking of you, Rae. I can relate to your struggles.

I agree with Angie about getting advice from professionals.

For me, the answer has been yoga, running, low-dose meds, a well-fitting therapist, and time. xxx

Aziraphale

Veteran

I'm so sorry to read this, Rae. I don't have any training in psychotherapy, but I agree with others who think you should get a second opinion. I've had therapy a few times myself, and I feel that good "chemistry" with the therapist is crucial if it's going to work.

I also think things WILL get better, eventually. There are times when life seems overwhelming, but in my experience, no matter how terrible I feel, no matter how convinced I am that I'll never be happy again, thing always do get better. Maybe you do need to take some steps to change something in your life that's not right (although I don't know what those steps are, and giving up your career seems extreme -- did your therapist say why people in sales end up bitter? I'd want to know the answer to that) but it's also possible that medication might help. Or maybe talk therapy will be enough.

Good luck and sending virtual hugs.

LACeleste

Veteran

I am sorry you are going through this Rae and sending you support.

kkards

Veteran

just want to remind you that moving is on most lists of the 5 most stressful things. and i would imagine, as much as we love NAS, for the employee's, i bet its super stressful. so, many added stressors, all coming at once. it can be overwhelming.
on the professional front, i just want to say, as much fun as it can be to get together with peers and rehash the ills, i find it to be counterproductive, so i try to also reach out to these who are feeling more positive.

Diana

Veteran

No advice from me, just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, ladies, for alllll the input here. I am so thankful for you all.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD last year, I went on meds for about 2 months, and they did help me a great deal. This time seemed different to me since I was not in danger, so I felt really confused about whether The Problem to Treat was depression or my situation (the doc sounded like he was suggesting the latter). So I'm definitely not against meds, and I'll definitely mention them to whomever I speak to next.

Beth Ann, I don't really have those close relationships anymore. People are so far away, and while there are people who are *almost* that close, I feel it isn't right to ONLY call them when I'm feeling blue since I don't really hang out with them often enough to supply the positive benefits of a friendship. o_0 The price of hermitage...

Aziraphale, Dr. Shrink works with lots of commissioned salespeople. He warned me that these companies really wring everything they can out of you - the tough hours, not having 2 days off in a row, turning coworkers against one another, distilling you to numbers - and then toss you aside when you get old.

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