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You look XXX?

Archer

Veteran

Making a comment about someone else's personal appearance AS the greeting or as the part 2 of the greeting.

You've put on a bit of weight
You look too skinny
You look tired.
That's new etc..
It makes me cringe every time someone does it - regardless of the content, inference, double entendre etc it feels like a crude greeting to me.

So I'm not talking about what they are thinking when they do it because all of the above could have lots of emotional baggage I am wondering if other people think it is just plain rude to launch into the personal.

This could be grumpy middle aged woman territory - any thoughts?

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20 replies

Latest reply was from Archer

shipskitty

Veteran

'You look tired' is a tricky one as it can fall into the family of 'are you ok?' type queries. I guess tone is a pretty vital component of the greeting or comment.

The others - yes I agree...thoughtless at best...

Summer

Veteran

I agree, those personal remarks are rude. The only qualifier I would find acceptable would be "you look well/amazing/great", anything positive, so long as it's sincerely meant.

Deborah

Veteran

Archer, good to see you:).

People are funny. For me it depends on the person and the relationship I have with them. When people I don't know well make those comments, I just ignore them (the comment, not the person). It's thought,was and not kind.

Anonymous

The line I hate the most..'cheer up it might never happen'...ugh! People can be thoughtless. Agreeing with Summer about the most acceptable comment.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think anything that could be taken as a criticism or judgment as part of a greeting is awfully rude. I don't care if it's someone I know well or not. I would never say those things to anyone anyway, and certainly not as one of the first things out of my mouth. I agree with Summer, that positive remarks are fine.

Now, if a close friend or family member and I get together and talk, and the topic turns to some way they've been struggling, and I can the stress is on them, I *might* admit something along the lines of "I can tell you could use some rest." But that's it.

One time I witnessed two people (both known to my husband, but I'll protect their identities greeting each other, after 20 years of not seeing one another. The woman in question blurted out to the man, "You've gained weight!" Without missing a beat, he said, "So have you!"

Beth Ann

Veteran

My favorite response to..."You looked tired" is:

"Really? I thought I looked hot!"

People almost never comment on my appearance. I myself would never use it in a greeting. In a conversation, I might complement someone on a color they've chosen, and I might tell them they're looking well.

Ruth M

Archer, I agree - such remarks as a greeting are just plain rude.

I had to laugh, though, at Janet's anecdote in her last paragraph - a great comeback (if that was what it was intended to be).

And agreeing with Diane G about "Cheer up, it might never happen". That is SO irritating. How am I supposed to respond? Switch on a forced, teeth-bared, scary smile? Or mutter under my breath, "It already has - I've bumped into you." Or worst of all - something terrible really HAS happened to you. Yes, a really thoughtless remark.

Helena

Veteran

Beth Ann, I am using that line next time, lol!!!

I can see how this is aggravating, although I must say my philosophy is usually to try to gauge intent rather than words ... a comment about tiredness, for example, might be an expression of concern, or even acknowledgement of a busy, overwhelming schedule, rather than a slight. We all make our verbal missteps, after all! And most people's intentions are kind, or at least benign, I think, at least in my experience.

However a humorous comeback a la Beth Ann might be the trick

Aziraphale

Veteran

I love what Beth Ann said.

My mom (when she could still talk) never failed to tell me how tired I looked. Honestly, I think it was almost every time. It used to make me so cross. I mean, yes, as a matter of fact, I AM tired all the time. I've got two kids, full-time university, and a husband who works 80 hours a week. I think the under eye circles are permanent.

But then one of my aunties explained that this was my mom's way of expressing love, and a concern for my well-being. After that, it didn't bother me as much.

Now, if an acquaintance greeted me with 'you look tired' (or too skinny, or you've put on weight, etc), it would definitely bug me...but I cannot think of one single instance where this has happened! People are generally polite. I'm always so surprised when I hear other people describe the incredibly rude things that are said to them. Maybe Canadians really are more polite, lol. (We're just passive-aggressive, that's all...we don't say it, but we may well be thinking it!).

Summer

Veteran

Diane, I hate that one, too; so rude and annoying.

Anonymous

I don't like those remarks either. I also feel uncomfortable getting those "you look great!' comments, because I feel obligated to return it in kind. And what if it's not true? I hate being fake. and hate hearing fake too .

Deborah

Veteran

Beth Anne that is the best come back ever. Im using that!

deb

Veteran

Beth Ann, I wish I had that response so many times in the past. I will definitely remember it now.

Day Vies

Veteran

You look XXX is not a greeting. The only people I think would say it would be people I did not consider friends. My friends would never greet me in such a manner. I would like to think neither would my professional colleagues. Anyone who did greet me in such a manner would find that I've developed a hearing problem.

crutcher

Veteran

If you can't say something nice...really nice...keep your mouth shut...
If you are trying to make a back handed remark and you disquise it under the pretense.."Oh, you look tired...blah, blah"... or "Are you growing?...You seem bigger"...I think the person receiving such drivel should turn and smiling say, "Oh bless your heart...aren't you just too sweet to notice me."
(This is a wonderful way of delivering all kinds of get back at you remarks a such a way that the person who made the dumb remark to begin with is scratching her hear in wonder...what was that all about?...

doubleh

Veteran

I have a co-worker who often tells me I look tired or "am I getting sick?" I think to express sympathy, but I wouldn't say sincerely. I did get tired of it (haha) and usually just respond "And good morning to you, too!"
I really do think there are people that are too dense to see the offense so I try to overlook it.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Living around and having a lot of elderly friends (friends over 75 or 80) makes me more conscious than ever of what I say. Even "How have you been?" can be a loaded question. I like to keep it as light as possible unless I truly know the person. Even then, I prefer to keep questions like "How have you been?" for a one on one conversation so that they don't feel the need to bring up a sensitive subject in public.

So, my greetings are pretty much "Hi, good to see you!" and then we all find some enjoyable topics to discuss before delving into anything too personal.

That said, a lot of people still use the "Hi, you look great!" line . And it is kind of shallow feeling I have to admit. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt - maybe they *really* think I look great ;-).

Not that I mind talking about personal things - I just don't like putting pressure on someone to do it, or feeling like I have to talk about something in public if I'm not ready to do it myself.

As far as people saying "you look tired" or some other more negative greeting - well, that is just plain rude and I hope I never do that to anyone myself!

Diana

Veteran

The only person I can think of who routinely greeted me this way was my now-deceased grandmother. In her later years, when I was away at college and saw her maybe once every few months or so, she'd always greet me with, "you've grown skinny!" or "you've grown fat!" Which one it would be was basically luck of the draw. (In reality most of the time I hadn't changed in size at all.) Anyway, I got really inured to it after a while, and it stopped bothering me at all. In fact, it got to be kind of a running joke between me and other family members, which greeting Grandma would choose this time. She was quite the crabby old lady, by the way.

Archer

Veteran

Thanks everyone. It seems we all do have some sort of position about how it makes us feel and I am going to the remember your response Beth Ann (look out Mother!).
Love the hearing disorder too Day Vies.

My point is though that regardless of what they say, how they say it, who they are and what they intend I still think it is plain poor form but perhaps I will muster a little less judgmental patience in the future. Thanks ladies.

Archer

Veteran

lisap - I think you may feel the same way I do about it. Phew.